Recaping our Therapist Change

So, let me process a bit on what happened with our Catholic therapist.

 

Each time we met, while we initially liked her, I was wondering what her process was. I felt like the 3 times we went, she wasn't clear on why this foreclosure situation was different than most, even though we had told her it was the betrayal of hiding so much. Her assignments were very good about bringing us intimacy – but they didn't focus on the trust issues we have resulting from the foreclosure. It’s like she hadn't really heard or read my words I did on the paperwork that I am a betrayed and scared woman who still doesn’t know what is really going on or how to plan to save us. I finally broke under the latest assignment (dating and cuddling more 15 mins a day) and let her and Hubby know together in an email it was too much for me with all the issues churning underneath. To be fair to her, maybe I did not make it as clear as I did in my emails. But, I know I’ve said them calmly in our 1st and second sessions, and they are in our chart/notes from the FIRST session. She made us list 6 things we were most worried about, and I wrote volumes on those 6 lines. 

 

She questioned my repeated comments each session that we are talking to a certified financial counselor (that we know by first name), and that I’ve been talking to a military officer at our parish that alerted me to some other missed areas we need to work on for Hubby to keep his job contracting with the military. I can see why she was worried or had concerns when she said I was leaning on “other men outside the marriage when Hubby and I need to do our own finances” when she said that direct quote, but it threw me and I addressed it immediately. I did not want her to think I was turning to other men to save me that could lead me to some attraction, or something. 

 

I said she didn’t seem to understand me when I said it was obvious we needed help getting new budget help, payment options, career advice, and starting our lives over and people get paid to be financial advisers. I told her that if women were offering these services, I would use them – gender was not my focus point. I totally can see why she said that...and a woman in my position doesn’t need to get wrapped up with other “men” – but she seemed unclear why we needed financial mentoring because budgeting was so "simple" to her. I told her I felt God was putting people or conversations in my life to educate me on things I have no idea about. Gender never even came into my mind! 

 

Instead of focusing the next 30 minutes on our relationship - she proceeded to teach us about budgeting  - which we know how to do in a basic way. It's the rebuilding and making a payback plan in our budget that we need the help with. It's so overwhelming that professional guidance is needed. I would think if one loses a house, they need real help, right? Or, on a individual couple basis - right? I doubt there is one rule to follow in this complex situation. I thought we would see a therapist for help mending our relationship, spiritually and physically, etc, and also get financial help with other professionals at the same time. I know that our relationship and finances are a bit tangled at this point, but I needed more time spent on WHY has Hubby not shown me these things yet. What am I doing to him to shut him down...what is he doing to himself? Not "how to budget" with a marriage therapist. I would try and point this out (probably not well enough) and things got heated with the therapist. I am shocked at how heated I could get at someone. I'm usually polite to a fault. Oh, I had hot tears of frustration too! I didn't know if I was impeding myself and making up these issues with our therapist, or really seeing an issue that professionaly meant we needed a new therapist. People do try to place blame on other people than themselves in therapy! I was driving myself nuts trying to discern my feelings in that meeting. 

Interestingly, even she (the therapist) was trying to keep composure. She's an older, professional woman. She's very nice, and we went to the same college! So, I was shocked when little things started growing disconcertingly. We had a limited time to work, and issues were just exploding. When I shared my struggle about what to tell my family to keep them from asking/saying too much that could impede our process, etc and she said “I should stop telling them all the bad things about Hubby like I have been doing for years.” I am not sure where she got or assumed this, since at our first meeting I told her I have a very "strong" family that I have had to defend ANY in-law to, and try to create boundaries with - so I've never shared any marital struggle we had. I’m really sensitive about that (trigger!) and I got upset at that, trying to tell her I DON’T tell my extended family anything negative about Hubby. I understand though many women do tell their families too much, so she probably just assumed I did. But, she should know from my paperwork and previous meetings that I don’t tell my extended family much to a fault. But, maybe I assume way too much! I do that! So, this is my fault I am sure.

The last issue that had been popping up at each of our 3 sessions also rubbed me the wrong way. When we lost the house, I assumed it meant that homeschooling was over and I needed to be back to work FULL time as of 'yesterday'. We were surprised when our professional financial person saw a different picture - one that was less grim. Apparently, our basic living plan helped us - paid off cars, no desires for boats or fancy vacations/dinners, a modest home versus a fancy one, or loans to do certain things. We're really simple people. Now, I learned when I lost the house that I should have worked longer if we wanted to stay in that house - but Hubby hid that from me. We bought our house to live on one income - it just happened that with the economy, more children being born to us etc - this was not the house to do the one income in after all, sadly. Had I known that - we could have discerned together whether I should continue working, or MOVE to keep on homeschooling or staying home longer with our children in a home that was really a one income home. Now that we are renters, we are now living way below our means (like I thought we were doing before, but now I can verify it all!). Our financial guy shares our common values and with his knowledge told us while me getting a part time job or tutoring would be smart - we could still homeschool and do what we want to do because we were living so cheaply, while paying back the cards Hubby used in 2-3 years. He said for our situation, we were doing better than many in this situation.  He also said if we wanted to rent a larger space than we are now, he would help us discern if I need to work more to make that happen, but to stay put for now and let the dust settle and re-save money. Childcare is expensive.  

That said, while I am prepared to work if I need to full time, I honestly am hoping to avoid it - but not at the cost to our family! But, I got very burned out at my job before being away from our one child at the time. We have 3 now. Now - if I do work full time, I now know how to ask for help and therapy now as needed (I should have sought out help when I was so overwhelmed working years ago), so I know I could make it work - but it would be something I would morn - but eventually find joy in providing for my family. I just want to be truthful in how I wold feel about it. People have to do things they don't want to do for their family all the time. It is called sacrifice. But being home with my children the last 3 1/2 years has been a GIFT. I PRAY it can continue, and I'm grateful for the chance to still be home and time to discern. 

So, knowing how I feel about it all - I was confused when listening to our therapist. I wondered if I was as delusional as she made me feel. She really insisted I should be working. I get that would make me sad or stressed because we all know I want to work IN the home, not outside of it, but we all know if I need to, I will...as sad as it would make me. From Session One, I told her my feelings, but even with us both telling her our financial guy said we were on track to still homeschool FOR NOW, she has said I need to be working because “it is too risky in this economy for only one person to be working.” She asked me in session two about it again, Hubby even said that our financial guy still had us on that track and he was glad and we've discussed this already. The way she speaks these words trigger me, as they make me one of my family members talking down to me again (MY issue, not my therapist obviously. My flaw, not hers!) She said again basically while we think that, we really should not be as “it is too risky in this economy for families to have one working member, because what if they lose that job?” While that is VERY valid, we told her it was a decision and sacrifice we had made to try, and when we lost the house we assumed I would have to work full time – and we surprised to learn from our financial planner we could keep living small and live that dream for the time being. I’ve told her many times I’ll work – tutor, work part time, full time etc  but, do what our guy advises us. If he says WORK - I'm working. If he says wait and do what you are doing - then by all means, I am so grateful to stay home with my children for now. I have plenty to figure out - like working to add to our retirement too one day!

Anyways, at Session 3 (our last session) - it came up again (mostly because I had learned a new twist with Hubby's job certifications that had me more worried, in a healthy way, to take action to prepare to go back to work). She said regardless of what our financial guy was telling us, times are just different now, that this "isn’t the past when women stayed home. The economy is too risky.” She also said - sarcastically I’m sure – we should just “throw the kids into public school and me get to work.” I didn’t call her on that...and maybe I should. I was just shocked. Again, I don't think she meant that as it came out!

I got really upset and said that as long as we were being truly clear on our finances, that living on one income is a sacrifice many make, and is a calculated risk. She told me again I needed to be working, and “many people work that don’t want to be working.” I said I get that, that I have dear friends who do that, and I have done that and would do it and have told Hubby I would, no matter how miserable I would be - where she jumped in very sarcastic saying “Wow...what pressure to put on Hubby, knowing you would be so upset working.” That HURT me, because that is not my intent. But, I can see her point in pointing that out – so again, I don’t want to deflect blame. The way she said it though took me aback. I said back to her “shouldn’t I be honest with him about my feelings, AND the fact I would work and do what I had to do? I may be miserable, but I would do it, and find things to be positive about it. It is just a grief process for me, on top of losing my home and trust in my husband."

 

Then I asked her was she just talking about Hubby and I, or all couples that choose one incomes? She said again times are just too risky for one person to be home. So I said “What does that mean for our common friends who stay home with their kids while their husbands work?” She did not answer me. So, I’m left with wondering, am I deflecting her advice for ME and need to be responsible, or do she and I have conflict on OPINIONS on working and family choice we are butting heads on that won't really help in marriage therapy? 

 

Ultimately, in praying about it, and talking to some therapist friends of ours, we decided this therapist was not a match for us. It was professional, not personal - and switching to someone else shouldn't be a personal issue - we just focus on what we need in a professional and what we need to challenge us and heal us. I just felt her ways of helping us were getting lost in things that were not really what needed to be addressed first in our marriage therapy sessions.  I could be wrong though, and admit that, very heartily. It helps Hubby agreed too. He felt he was not getting enough challenge, or questions on why he let this happen (and me too!) for his own healing. He wants to figure out why things became like they are. 

So, we start in the new year with a new, recommended, therapist. I am praying this won't happen again, and that it isn't me impeding my process of healing by deflecting anything. I'm so scared it is me. But, I'll trust my gut too - and give it a shot. I just want this to WORK and for this new woman to be our therapist for the long haul so we can really get to work on our relationship, faith, and spiritual connections. 

So...that was my VERY bad Friday. I'm trying to remember it is professional, not personal. I'm also trying to pray that I was not deflecting the process. I also need more from myself, and from Hubby - and someone to bring that out of both of us. There is so much I don't know about Hubby's thoughts in all this, and reasons for his actions - and I'm so scared. 

Please keep praying for us. Any thoughts or advice you have, I would appreciate it!!

Blessings!!!!!!

On the 2nd day of Christmas....Feast of...something?? HAHA!

* I read on one of my online planners that today was Feast of the Holy Family  - but I think it was a misprint. Joy let me know it was Feast St. Stephen lol. Well...today is a Feast of something. It was a special day regardless!

Happy TWELVE Days of Christmas!

Today is the 2nd Day of Christmas, and the Feast of the Holy Family! A perfect day to celebrate one's own family. We started last night, the eve of the feast, with watching a family TV Special - "How the Grinch Stole Christmas".

Lovely cuddled up with her dolls in the chair, Daddy on floor with Valiant. Baby Gift sleeping. Me grateful.

Today we've just relaxed as a family. We've made more Christmas crafts, played together, and had lunch together. In a bit, the girls head to my parents to have MORE special family time and a sleep over! I'll pick up Valiant tomorrow to work on potty training the next few days, and Lovely will get to stay and play at the grandparents. Another motivation for her few days there - Hubby and I can work on things more in detail with her 'older set of ears' gone when he is home. Sigh. Back to reality.

But for now I will enjoy our family time. So, I will close and go back to them :) . Blessings!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

For to us a child is born...Isaiah 9:6

* Drawing by Lovely, December 2011

Another Sneak Peak

Oh my!! I can't stop sneaking pictures! I am loving this!!

Sneak Peak

Lovely is giving me quite a look in this picture, as she told me that "It is NOT done yet, Mommy!"

Here is a sneak peak of our Christmas card cover Lovely is currently drawing, and eventually coloring, for us. She really amazes me!!

She has already added more animals and details since I took the picture. I can't wait to see it when she is done!!! I love my girl!

I am ok.

Thank you for your prayers, all the emails and kind comments. For now I am ok.

I am spending the week at my sister's house. My brother is in town with his family too. It has been wonderful to just relax, laugh, and have a great time with family.

Hubby is not here with us. He is back at home hopefully doing a very long list of needed things that need to get done for us (me) to feel a little safer. Things are definitely rough between us. I think he is understanding of that tension from me. I think he understands I have to micromanage for now. He doesn't seem to be in a place where he can really do it all on his own, so I will have to. I have been spending a lot of my vacation with my family texting with him, checking off important bullet points with him and making sure he gets things done that helps our financial situation. (Things that I can't do or the calls I can't make.)

Thank you for the prayers and thank you for the support. Thank you for the compassion that you have shown Hubby. We are getting a new therapist. Friday was simply terrible and not in a constructive way. The person we had was good, but it was not a good match. We are also working on getting individual therapists.

God has us. I am in a bit of a numb stage, and very sad and tired, but I know God has us. I need to try, as a dear friend suggested, to rest in God.

With that...off to bed. Much love. Thanks!

Our session yesterday.

It did not go well. It was a very hard session.

I KNOW God is with me, but I am very depressed today. The kids and Hubby are gone this morning to give me lots of Christmas prep time (I am SO behind) and it's very hard to focus.

Thanks for the prayers.

Sigh.

Feeling VERY depleted today. I pray our appointment is AMAZING today. I am very tired climbing this mountain. That includes doing MY part in improving things.

Sigh.

...at least the wine and company were great...

because even my "escape night" lead to more revelations I need to be on top of. But, I choose to believe God is taking care of me and leading me to the information, wisdom, and people He wants to help us to help ourselves with.

But even with that. I would like to raise my wine glass and sing to the tune of "Mamas, Don't Your Babies Grow Up To Be Cowboys!"

Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be financially clueless cowboys.
Don't let 'em not count every receipt pick guitars or not itemize every bill drive them old trucks.
Let them be careful and skillful doctors and lawyers and such.
Mamas, don't let your babies grow up to be too traditional cowboys.
Cause if they want to stay home they need an actual home to live in they'll never stay home,
and this way they'll avoid feeling so alone they're always alone.
Even with someone they love.

Sing it with feeling!! A little sarcasm is good for the soul!

Beauty is...

...Advent.

This is our Advent Wreath this year. It is new to our family, as my childhood base is "lost" in storage. I will admit I love it.

My husband saved the day finding this wreath as a replacement. The children and I needed this wreath more than ever after the past two months. (My husband and I too, very much). I love that it is a simple, white wreath with holly carved on it, with the words Hope, Love, Joy, and Peace - the weeks of Advent!

Advent is the season of Preparation. I can't imagine one can prepare for anyone special coming without hope, love, joy, and peace. There is one act of preparation that I know can bring a person all four of those themes of Advent. That is Penance.

Beauty is...

...children humbling themselves before their Father, and each other, in mass penance.

Tonight's Advent Penance service at our church - 20 priests to hear confessions

...is a dulcimer playing as you pray and reflect silently - hearing the breezy whispers of penitence and GRACE.

...is being able to pray in the quiet corner of my simple room at home near my lit advent wreath, or in this soaring space.

Look closely at this VERY special statue of Mary

...pondering the amazing gift Mary carried in her womb. How a simple "yes" defined what IS truly beautiful. Her Hope. Her Love. Her Joy. Her Peace.

...is forgiveness.

...being saved.

...me - as God's beloved child.

...Hubby - as God's beloved child.


...Hope, Love, Joy, and Peace.

Beauty is eternal - like a never ending, circular wreath....

O come, O Come...

With Joyful (Gaudete) Sunday leading us into this week of Advent, I felt real peace focusing on family time tonight. This included fixing a simple Mexican meal to celebrate the Feast of Our Lady of Guadalupe and the Dec 9th Feast of St. Juan Diego. The girls really loved watching a video online about both feasts, the country and culture of Mexico, and listening to one of our Glory Story cds. We also did our Advent Adventures and made our Jesse tree ornament. We did most of this in either low lighting, Advent candlelight and tree lights, or the light from our our new...

...fireplace, compliments of Netflix streaming - haha! From this position it almost seems real! It's new to our queue. It really burns about an hour, the fire devourers the wood, and crackles and pops. Another "episode" plays Christmas carols as it burns away. It is really peaceful!

It makes for a good evening to cuddle on the couch and think about my blessings rather than my stress, and capture some needed Advent moments and meditations. It is also good for our assigned "couch time".

O come, O Come...______ (fill in the blank)

Good Night!!

Blessed (and JOYFUL!) Gaudete Sunday!!

Just a quick post, as it is late - and I'm only up because we were trimming the tree we got today. I think Gaudete Sunday is a great day to get one's Christmas tree!

JOY to you reading!!! :)

Gaudete? Really?

Tonight I find myself on the eve of Gaudete Sunday. It is means Joyful Sunday.

Joy.

Really?

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling much different from yesterday - when I was filled with joy, hope, and excitement. Fridays are our new marriage therapy days (in fact, pray for us every Friday at 3pm EST please - we would grateful appreciate the prayers and strength). It was a good starting appointment (our first real one). And she mostly talked about how to renew ourselves as a couple - how to start communicating again. In the meeting - it all sounded good. We talked about starting quarterly pow wows to review how we were doing in our:

~ new goals for our marriage
~ new goals for our finances
~ updating wills
~ other estate docs
~ use this time to make sure we were carving out weekly dates each quarter.

To stay on track between these meetings, we should have 15 mins a day of kid free "couch time." Where we snuggle (without leading to anything else) and hold each other, touching hands/arms, etc. Comfort postures basically  - and while doing so talk about our day, us, goals, how we feel, what we are mad about etc and PRAY. We should also make sure weekly dates are planned. She really wants us to be kid free someplace once a week and preferably out of the house - it doesn't have to be an expensive thing...just an escape - hike, dinner, or dinner. Coffee shops work too. With all the separation and walls built up on Hubby's side in the panic he faced, and the ones I have now, coupled with the cooling that can come with a 10+ year marriage and 3 young children, she said we really need this to rebuild. She wants Hubby to start courting me again and making me feel like a wife and partner again or cherished worth.

I won't lie. I loved this idea. I already felt perked up! I keep saying how lonely I feel in all this. To know we were being assigned to date like we did when we first started dating was exciting and cheerful and hopeful  - especially with knowing we were getting started in therapy. It felt like reward in a way, and the start of a new journey toward "us." We left our session light in our steps, stopping for ice cream (on a cold day!) at a cute little parlor and we just smiled and talked, and felt "normal".

Then, this morning I woke up from a night of thinking too hard, dreaming, etc. I woke up angry that I get caught up in these happy emotions when so much still has not been done since we had to move. We still need to have another finance meeting now that just this week we got regular pay again. I’ve been asking him for the last 2 weeks to show me the credit card bills to see what was charged there – still nothing. I’ve been asking him to sit down with me to make a new budget – he made one without me I have not seen yet! My fault is that I’ll yell at him about it, and say I want to see everything tomorrow – then have a good day with the kids or something, and not ask him again – so he gets away with it. I'm not consistent. I don't want to nag and ruin my good day that is being my band aid. With all this pondering, this morning I woke up thinking I don't want to date him until the list is crossed off! I want to know whom I am dating and rely on him! I don't want to be in denial, or procrastinate!

Then...I know I’m messing up here too. I obviously love homeschooling and being home with our kids so much and make that “my job” that I too get comfortable not taking on more roles in planning our estate, etc. We make enough for me to be home for home for now – but we still need to plan for the future since we lost so much of that in our loss! I want us to be partners on that - not just me doing it, but it looks like it will be me if he unable because it needs to get done. But, I don’t want him dating me either if it means I’m just as messed up and need to be told where I’m too idealistic, or trusting or create bad habits in us as a couple. I'm also angry, prideful, and emotional.

Again, I wish these issues had come up yesterday – but they bubbled over in me overnight. I am just so angry, yet in love, and really believe in our faith and in forgiveness, but then get so angry again because I feel like I'm the only one feeling all this. When I share all the above with him he says he agrees, yet...no action. I end up staying up at night trying to answer my own questions. Men and women are so different! I do have faith that time will show improvement in us BOTH though!

Another issue popped into my head today too. My family. Oh, how this affected my family. Nothing kills me more than seeing a good man (my husband) lose the respect my siblings and parents had in him. It will make rebuilding doubly hard, because I think they can see my Hubby is a QUIET guy, and you can't tell if a fire is "lit under" him or not - so they are in constant worry for me and the kids thinking what they think. For the most part, I am very good now about telling them "we are handling it, thank you! Keep praying!" - but now, this "dating angle" we are doing?  What do I tell our family members that see us dating again, etc, when they are angry at him and blame him (I’ve told them to blame me too. Two way street – but they see how he just lied and betrayed) and they think I’m being too naïve or forgiving.

I have been told numerous time that for the sake of us improving and taking care of our kids I need to be “lighting fires under him” to do what he needs to do in this aftermath. He has no respect in our family now, and they are hurt by all this too. What do I need to do to deal with them, and our family? It hurts they can tell he is a guy with little drive too (for years they have said this, I saw him more kindly). They obviously knew he would have a hard time doing what he needs to do after this, and I believed in him the whole time. Still, I know his is good, a I just want him to be respected!! I worry the pressure of my family in "succeeding" also affected his decision making. He is a good guy that made a big mistake - but one to our immediate family. Let us deal with it. I try to be in their shoes - if this were Lovely, or Valiant, or Gift who had this done to them, or did it to their family, I know I would be so hurt for them, and have questions and assumptions but how far do I go with that for them? How does one deal with it all?

Well, I decided to do something with all the above feelings. I left Dr. S both a voicemail and sent an email - saying on both to NOT rush (it is a weekend!) but that I just had to air these feelings I had, and see if that changes her process - or if she is aware of what this will dig up and would be discussing it next session. Both calling and e-mailing made me feel SO much better. I copied Hubby to the email, and we talked about things off and on all day around the kids and shopping, etc. I also prayed about it, and took a nap, which helped.  I'm running on very little sleep these days with the little kids having sleeping issues. I'm sure everything is affecting me.

And so...my joy came back. We got lots of errands done today, and then spent the evening hosting 3 additional children over for a slumber party so their parents could go to an office party. Our 2 families attend the same church, so we will just dress them for Mass and save their parents the time. And, surprising as it sounds - knowing they are kid free and on a date and I'm at home (with Hubby being such a great teammate) with an 8 year old, 4.5 year old, two 3 year olds, an 18 month old and 15 month old all night - I am feeling so joyful! Children bring the magic of the season with them in their excitement of baking cookies....

Ha! you can tell I worked hard with the kids on the dough...har har har!

...dressing up, eating in the candlelight of the Advent wreath, reading about the Jesse tree, and...

...watching TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer together on an air mattress for their slumber party together (babies not included, bedtime for them came before the show lol!)...

...with Baby Brother # 1...

...and Baby Brother #2 (bottom right corner)...

...and happy kids snuggled in between for the movie and slumber party!

As I read this week in my Advent meditation book reflecting on John in the desert (on Mk 1:3), "The Christian life is like a desert...sometimes beautiful....sometimes severe...a mixture of sweetness and pain...a place gentle, quiet and peaceful...and sometimes difficult. It can be a life of great, great testing." Hm...sounds like my marriage! My desert today tasted of both - but there was far more promise and joy in it than wasteland.

Bring on Gaudete Sunday!


Really.

Our First Liturgical/ Seasonal Tea!!!!!

Madeline and Kate's hard work in their gorgeous home!!!

 
Yesterday we were able to celebrate Advent and the Feast of St. Nicholas with a very special Advent Tea, hosted by Madeline Wicker and Kate Wicker - dear friends of Lovely and I (and same with our other children - I can see our sons one day tackling each other becoming little men). It was a truly memorable and beautiful day.

Isn't Kate the CUTEST??!! Look out Hallie!

Not only did Madeline and her mother feed our bodies with the most delicious, fun, and meaningful foods - they most importantly fed our spirits. I wonder if either of them (and their WONDERFUL friends who joined us all) knew how much they fed this one mother's weary soul? I know Lovely and Valiant's hearts were fuller than their stomachs ever felt. I know they were touched too - by a house full of the sweetest girls and mothers, and the rich traditions of our faith!

Hostess Maddie with Lovely

It was a day that brought out the 'girly girl' in all of us - the one who longs to dress in pretty things, touch pretty things, eat dainty things, and feel grownup without all the stress that comes with growing up. Even the most tomboy of girls feels the way the Spirit makes her - and it is just a beautiful thing to cherish in the moment. I totally enjoyed walking into their home and feeling whisked away. I think this is what tea times are about - savoring the time God has given us, and restoring ourselves with enough Spirit to carry on until the next tea time. Why do I not do this enough with my children? That will change!

Concert time! How I WISH I had taken Maddie's picture - she played!

When we arrived, the group of girls pictured above (both pictures) started with an Advent story. Then, Maddie played her first sheet music (read!) piece - Jingle Bells (how did I not get a picture?! Sorry sweetie!). We then blessed our abundant table with prayer and served our plates with the bounty of love the Wickers made for us all and I could not believe how our sweet girls enjoyed the beauty around them (and inside them!) in the sweet moments that followed. Such gentleness! Such manners!

I was so proud of Lovely - this was a big deal for her!

Little Gift crashed the girly tea :)

Valiant and her friend C. with Little Gift at their table :)

Even the smallest girls had their own table (and high chair!). Gift was the only boy on two legs at the party and he had to learn how to be a gentleman. He could not quite figure out why he did not have C's seat. He kept trying to oust her - Sorry sweet C! Every time I went to take pictures, he was trying to foreclose move in on her space (har har!).

Kate and Maddie asking their guests to share Advent traditions

Kate and Maddie were fabulous hosts. They led a discussion about Advent, and the girls' favorite family and liturgical traditions for Advent. It was so neat to hear how all these families made this time of preparation special. Lovely mentioned how we do the Jesse Tree (thanks to Holy Heroes Advent Adventures), fill the manger with yarn to sacrifice to do good deeds for Jesus, and light the Advent Wreath and sing around it. I have to admit, I think this Advent Tea may have to become a tradition too...

After our FABULOUS tea - the girls retired to the library to make crafts - ornaments of the Baby Jesus in the manger.  What a cute idea!

The finished ornaments.

Afterwards, the girls enjoyed time with each other, and MY girls enjoyed loving on Baby Thomas Wicker - so much so, that I had numerous requests on our ride home for a fourth baby who MUST be a boy...and HIS name will be Thomas (according to Valiant). Just look at how much they LOVED this precious boy:

Thomas is SMILING at Valiant!!! Oh, she LOVED Thomas!

Lovely too! She wanted to hold him so much...

He's smiling for ME here...

After the tea was over (which, before everyone left, I had the pleasure of meeting the mothers of these incredible girls we spent the morning with, and they were so nice - my soul kept feeling lighter and lighter - one sweet mother had stayed the whole party like me, "W" was her name, and she was such a sweetheart). I was so happy for Kate to have these lovely women to inspire her. It made our community's loss at her move a little sweeter to take - hehe. I was told once that 'a place should bless you, and you bless the place' and the Wicker's have blessed, and I know are being blessed too!

When everyone left, I had the pleasure of being invited to stay a little longer (oh how that can be redefined by children - especially 7 young children of similar ages and no older helpers between Kate and I - which just made me love the chaos God has blessed us both with and LONG for a nap at the same time). But, it was so wonderful sharing time and souls for a little bit before returning back to my reality.

I love this picture of us, taken by Maddie, as it shows what it is like for two moms of many (plus SWEET dog) to try and get a 'mommy friend moment' with little feet around! Hehe!

 

Before we left the driveway for home - the girls had a blast running around the yard, getting in lots of hugs, chases, and love before buckling in the car. Rachel, Maddie, and Lovely were having such fun together, and Valiant and M.E. had become little twins stuck at the hip all day. Look at these shining faces and tight embraces:

Isn't God just SO GOOD??! WOW!

Sigh. I did NOT want to leave for home. But I felt so light on my feet and in my heart from a day that did more to refill the well of my soul, that has been thirsting for Advent, than the past few days of prayer and preparation. I genuinely smiled, felt SO happy watching all these girls, and felt the riches of the season. I was reminded today it isn't always the traditions that bring us closer to God, or the motions, when one is feeling like grace is the only thing making her smile and get through the day - it is being together, a community of saints (little saints!) and believers that shouts to us that God is WITH us. Thank you sweet girls, and Wickers, for reminding me of this.

My life and soul are feeling a lot like a feed box of late. Worn. Lonely. Cold. Scratchy. POOR. But, yesterday reminded me what can possibly come from something so lowly. God wants to turn my meager manger of a soul into a vessel for his Son! WHAT? He thinks these current crosses of mine are that glorious? How? I can't quite grasp it, but yesterday I FELT it. Like Mary, I said "yes" to what can be if I just trust. I hope I can remember to say "yes" each day. I know I will fall some days and just want to scream "no" so PLEASE pray for me to remember to hold on and just be open to becoming more.

It is definitely something that a cup of tea can renew and remind me of.

Eucharisto.


Thank you SO MUCH Kate. I love you and your family and friends. Thank you for sharing your (gorgeous!!) home for an incredible day!!  Blessings!!!

*Update: See Kate's post for more pictures and memories of the day!!

Feast of St. Nicholas!!!

Saint Nicholas: Patron Saint of Children, Sailors, and the Innocent

He Came! He Came!

** For this special day, we celebrated early with our dear friends, The Wicker's, at their home. A post and pictures of our special St. Nicholas/Advent Tea can be found here.**

While, usually in our house St. Nick brings a chocolate image of himself (a foiled covered Santa Clause that I convert into a St. Nick) and a candy cane - this year with all the lack of prep time, St. Nick saw fit to give the girls two quarters each  - which fits his story well! The girls were grateful!

The above image came from a prayer card given all the girls at our Advent Tea yesterday at the home of our dear friends, The Wicker's . The back holds this sweet prayer:

Loving God,

    Thank you for St. Nicholas who shows us a good way to live.

    He fed the hungry,

    freed the imprisoned,

   cared for those in need,

   and told people about Jesus.

Make us brave, loving, and strong, so that, like St. Nicholas,

   we may love and serve you

   as we help those in need,

   through Jesus Christ our Lord.

Amen.

AMEN. Much love!!

2nd Week of Advent

 

We finally have our (new) advent wreath up and running. My childhood one is packed in storage, but this one was a lovely wreath found by Hubby (he scored some great points!) as it has delicate features, and the words Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love carved by each candle. As a replacement/'stand in' wreath - it is VERY special. I think it is the perfect focal point not only during this Advent season, but THIS season of my life - our lives.

We said a family blessing for the wreath, and sang two verses of "O Come, O Come Emmanuel."

Now, if this doesn't remind you what is REALLY important, what makes a home, and one DOES have blessings from above - than what possibly can as a parent?

 

We wish you another blessed week of preparation!! God Bless!!!

Big Day!

 **Well, hmmm. I should note that for us PROFESSIONALLY, the below comments about our therapist did not last. We were not a match past first impressions sadly, as recorded below. :( **


Can I get an AMEN??!! Today we had our first marriage counseling appointment!!!!

Things changed from this post. I chalk it up to prayers, a great support network in the friends we have, and of course - God. But the day after I poured out my heart in that post, I went to my sister's home to enjoy some time with her and our kids together. I received a text from Hubby that he had made the call himself to the therapist that was recommended to us. I was overjoyed!!

So, we went today and will be going weekly. It went so well today. It was, of course, the "get to know us and the issues" meeting - but there was an instant connection with each other. I'll call her Dr. S. She was warm, caring, knowledgeable, yet challenging. She went deep into our pasts and looked at family relationships and other things that would have an impact on us today, and asked us both to share about the situation or things that led us to therapy. Just covering those two topics alone I think gave her great insight to how we got to this point! HA! It is amazing how much one's parent(s) can impact your life. It scares me to think what kind of parent I am. Do I match up with what I aim to be - what I think I am? And, while we all are told in pre-marital counseling how much finances impact relationships, I think sometimes some of us are more naive to that point than others.....ahem. *wink.

The other great thing is that she works with Catholic Charities - so she holds similar values. She would never force those values on anyone (she is so nice, that if we continue to like her and our sessions, I'll recommend her to anyone I know having issues. She is paid on a sliding scale which helps so much!). That said, it helped the connection I think in her understanding where we were coming from. I don't get that as much with the "through our insurance" therapist I am seeing personally until the end of this year.

So - it was a BIG day! I came home more hopeful and happy than I have been in WEEKS.We have homework to do before our next session, which is great. Between her, our financial whiz, and some helpful friends, we have a great map for the road ahead. Keep praying for us!!

To that end - want to try something with me? I'm a bit late on posting this as we will start this today (Monday), but I want to try a novena to pray for our situation. The Novena to St. Jude fit the bill. It gives Hubby and I something concrete to pray together on. Also, we are collecting intentions we can pray for in addition to our own - whatever we can do to pay it forward. If you want to list your prayer intentions or email me (see sidebar), please do!


If you want join us - our prayer intentions are:
1) Complete healing to our marriage as we start this counseling and hard work to get back to "us".
2) Peace in dealing with our families as they struggle to accept what is.
3) Clarity in what we are to do housing wise long term - what is best for our family?

Thanks so much. Thanks for joining me on this journey of hope!

Advent 2011

Blessed Advent!!!

Advent has started and with it, a renewed focus on faith, words of hope, and promise of a Savior. I have felt all those things, and AMEN to that!!

My family went to church separately, due to illnesses and such, so Lovely went later in the evening with her dad to the cathedral. Here she is, in the outfit she picked out because it was the color of the season lol! I love it! She's holding her new Mass booklet too before she heads out of her room.

 

Nothing can renew one's faith than seeing the faith, and love of that faith, of a child!

Our Advent plans include Advent Adventures, a children's liturgical tea with a dear friend and her family and friends, and the wonderful family and church traditions such as the Advent wreath, Jesse tree, books, bible stories, church penance service, movies, and TV specials. Our home will be filled with preparation, meditation, prayer, and JOY.

What are your plans this Advent?

Much love!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Dear, Dear Ones!

Instead of leaving the below post up here first, I wanted to leave something a little more positive. If you can watch this seconds long clip, please do. It explains how I feel this Thanksgiving Day and my family - despite all of our broken, flawed chaos of late:



We are still good. We feel small, but we know we are not. We are flawed, broken, but still good. God IS good, and we know He made us and has us in His hands, so we will better than good again. I LOVE my family. We won't leave anyone behind. Our marriage vows will not be forgotten. OHANA!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
Much love to you and yours!  
OHANA!

Thanksgiving...

Well, I've fallen behind here some. Honestly - it is a mix of being really busy, trying to make sure we are doing what we are supposed to be doing to rebuild (in the evening when the kids go to bed - we have a friend guiding us with some steps to make until we can get professional help), home schooling, and spending some time with family.

On the marriage front - well, we are struggling. Well, I am. I know he is so sorry for how things happened, and how things are now with how we are living day to day, but from what I've asked and gathered from his answers, he isn't feeling the pain and loneliness I am feeling. I can't speak for him though. I know he must be feeling a million different things, and he's never been the talker I am. But, each day I find myself more down. The time change has not helped me at all. Darkness at 5:30pm? Not helping my soul. I'm VERY sad. Very depressed about the lack of improvement, and very tired. I am praying though. I know once progress is made things WILL be better, so I'm holding out.

We need marriage counseling. He wants to wait for January when it is covered by insurance. I wanted it two months ago - willing to pay anything. So, things are at a standstill. He obviously feels waiting will be ok - I feel it is crushing me. It's really hard to see eye to eye. I see therapy as an investment in us. So, please keep praying for us. Also - please don't judge him. We are good people stuck in a bad cycle. Just keep praying for him especially and for me. I really mourn the loss of respect and love he no longer has in our family circles (parents, siblings, etc), and that adds to my personal stress and sadness.

On the foreclosure side of things - things are looking up. The house appears to have been sold at auction already, is now on the market by that person/group, and the 30 days passed where the bank could have come after us for the remainder. Obviously, they wrote us off. Also, thanks to the digging and help from friends - it appears we will not get taxed on what was owed. The bad economy and foreclosures everywhere have changed tax laws through 2013. So, we are blessed there too. Now we just have to pay back past debt that accrued and some past bills affected by Hubby's health and lack of paycheck.

How am I doing? Well - still waiting for my therapist to have an opening. I'm scheduled for next week...but nothing sooner has opened. I'm losing confidence in myself, staying strong for us all in the barrage of opinions and comments about hubby and our situation. I feel as if I am letting everyone down, and myself down. I feel I am letting my kids down. I am in a weird place faith wise - I  KNOW God is HERE, carrying me - yet I feel so lonely. I know He is working His plan, but I feel so empty. It's so weird. I'm not questioning God at all, but I feel so depressed. I have been craving Advent to start, yet have very little energy to jump into the graces that come with Advent. I so need this time for my soul though, and I know joy in the season will come to me.

On the upside - I've spent some time with my sister. I love her! She is so kind. She also took me to get my hair cut/styled, and new clothes. So...here is the new me....(honestly, I needed it. With clothes lost in storage, and me not really doing anything with my face and hair - this was a needed boost to encourage me to take care of the life God gave me. It's so easy to wallow without even realizing it!).

That is the Holy Spirit smiling for me....totally. God gifted me the grace to smile in my crosses my whole life. I'm so grateful - I just wish my spirit matched my smile. But, this week is Thanksgiving, and I have so much to be grateful for.

So, I choose to close this post joyfully. I won't let this world steal joy from me. We are off from school this week, which ROCKS! I can enjoy family time, and a meal on Thanksgiving Day at my parents retirement center we don't have to cook. I have a PJ lazy day scheduled for Friday. I will ready my home for Advent this weekend. God is GOOD and this cup shall pass. I will embrace this week before it is gone, and back to the grind of schedules.

Writing that paragraph made me feel a little better. On that note - I wish you all reading a HAPPY THANKSGIVING and much love and joy to your family. I have so much gratitude in my heart for my family, and yours. Love, love, LOVE!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Potential

In all this STRESS, in all this pain, in all this anger, in all this WORK - one can easily forget one thing: POTENTIAL.

Once Hubby and I really, and I mean, REALLY work hard on our rebuilding and healing, we have the POTENTIAL to be stronger than ever, and create a foundation and habit of continued strength. What hope, what a goal.

Potential. What a redeeming idea in tough times.

I just need to remember it, and cling to it. It was my commission, was it not? All our ours.

How do you live up to your potential in tough or lean times?

How does it work?

Hey Readers out there!

I am trying to learn about the situation we are in. What do you know about foreclosures? What happens after one has to vacate? What does the bank do now? What happens when the property sells? What part have we still to play?

I am looking things up and being told things...some scary, much confusing. I would love your knowledge!

Thanks!

Surely Goodness and Mercy Shall Follow Me...

Well, today was a surprising day. Good in all the needed worldly ways!

While emotionally we are rebuilding, we could meet with our financial guy now that pay is finally starting to come in (yay paycheck in mail!) And....we are surprisingly good.

Our guy (very qualified) was actually impressed (as one can be in a foreclosure situation). The house seemed to be the "problem" with its age, needed repairs, utilities mounting up, rising taxes and falling value, and Hubby's emergency surgery last month. BUT, as long as we live small for a while, maybe me babysit or tutor some, and increasing our music gigs, we should be fine paying our bills and living and saving. We have no car payments, no school loans, and Hubby's credit card debt is small compared to other similar situations (and accumalated trying to save house only). Our guy was actually surprised for us all and figured Hubby's credit cards would be paid off in 2-3 years. I was shocked. I expected I needed to teach full time again with the kids in daycare and school like "yesterday" and Hubby was scared he had ruined us. Dear Lord, economics is a weird thing. Oh, but God IS good!

I think we will stay put in our condo for a year - more on this after we meet more in Dec with our guy to be sure and discuss pros and cons and a plan for the future - but its rent is what is saving us and will get us ahead, and we prefer our family structure over a fast track to a large space both of us have to support with daycare costs. I do want a yard again.....just for the kids. But we will pray about that. Oh yeah...one more bedroom for the baby too - ha! But presently, it works well enough. Bring on the savings!

I will note - I will work full time if needed and daycare can be covered. For now, there is no rush (which surprises me) to do that route.

Also, for all my anger at Hubby for hiding this and the failure of it all - it was stated tonight while his methods were not good - he managed to keep the debt down shouldering/hiding this from everyone, and really helped us be in this position after the fallout. So, I guess I need to cough up some understanding and grant some mercy....as mercy has been given to me and my kids, and Hubby too.

I also need to admit what I have done too. This is a two way street.
Sleep will help...so off I go. Thank you for the prayers, support, food, and love!

Thank GOD that Hubby has a job! Amen!! 

Facing My Giants

It does take two to steer a relationship, and I am learning more every day I need to stop avoiding and start facing my giants.

I think after our meeting tonight, my husband could be starting to face his too.

Keep praying for me. For us.

Authentic

Thank you to those reading, and offering prayers. Oh - you have no idea how much it helps. Look at the miracles coming our way (see below posts)?!! WOW!

I wanted to say, I want to be as real as is respectful to my family and my marriage, since this is a public blog. As much as I can be, I DO want to be real and authentic with my feelings. Even with my strong faith, my love of marriage, and my belief in marriage vows, the solace that faith gives me, and knowing God has me and my family in His hands, there is still much to process, feel, and say. It is like spiritually, my trust in God is stronger than ever, but my place in this fallen world and its responsibilities are pulling me into an epic battle. My life has become dual: spiritual life - strong, worldly life - struggling.

I cling to Christ as REDEEMER. He who redeems fallen things. Bad things happen in this world because it fell. Christ continues to redeem what happens in this life. It will only be truly good in the next life. But here on earth, this situation will be redeemed. I am excited to blog what I pray and believe will be a success story. Life in a faithful marriage isn't always rosy, tea parties, and date nights.

I wonder if we writers share enough of the true struggles we face in our families and marriages? It isn't pretty to do so, easy, or pleasant. It can open one up to a lot of judgement too. Yes, we ARE blessed, but it takes work, pain, and tears to manage those blessings. Failure too.

The journey after a fall is a slow one. There will be MANY more stumbles, weak moments, vanity, and pride to overcome. Thank you for letting me raw and authentic here, as well as hopeful and faithful. I am a woman of two sides, and this blog can not always be a field with you on the other side of the fence thinking my grass is always greener. Mine is pretty rutted and weed choked at present.

Better seasons of green are coming. I just have to work my way there. First I have to break my back plowing before there is ever hope of a harvest.

Thanks for your amazing prayers and joining me on the journey!

Crying God

If you are in a free fall, you can get caught if you trust.

The next official pay day is the 23rd. Disability/HR is moving slow.

We had, as of today, $75 to our name.

We've lost some services because we can't pay. Blessedly we have a stocked pantry due to the love and generosity of our homeschool co-op (oh! To pay this all forward....amen I will! God sweeps in everytime I am falling, as do other friends...God's hands and feet..)

I was in a panic, and since Hubby is finally better, I decided I could arrange being a babysitter around his schedule. Blessedly, I got some sits - but not till late this week. With gas, two cars, and milk....how long would it last before crying uncle? Well...why not just cry "God!?"
 
Today was a struggle. But as I felt like I was falling, something stopped me short of rock bottom. It came in two forms : a warm dinner to feed us, and an amazing monatary donor in honor of her fallen soldier son. I am not sure I had the words...what do I say to that gift? Doesn't she need the help herself? I bawled. These events are not rewards, but pure blessings. We have such responsibility to succeed and pay forward.

Thanks to her, other dear friends, past gifts of grocery cards and meals and so many prayers, God carries us.  As of today, the Lord's day, we can get through the week and hopeful disability pay arrival. It narrows the gap to the 23rd. I was falling, and God caught me. Caught us.

Hubby's church job also paid him today, early - that NEVER happens. But it did the weekend and Sunday we needed it. Coincidence? Nope.

I can focus on my marriage this way...more sharply focused.

Don't cry uncle. Cry God. Don't sabatoge yourself. Those are this weekend's lessons.

Much love!

Yen and Yang

So, even with lots of hope and faith - this flawed world of mine can just stink. Today was a really cruddy day.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart.

Goodnight.

From a friend...

I got a response to my post from the day before yesterday from someone completely dear to my heart. It was sent to me versus posted, so it started a conversation. I was sharing that I was grateful I could be real and process my feelings while still trying to be respectful to my husband's feelings and I told her I was worried that blogging about our story would color him badly - because he is a good guy who made a big mistake, and I had my own role in that too.

She said something in response to my concern (remember how I wrote everyone has been so compassionate to my husband that knows the real story) that made me cry, and something she told me to really think about and tell my husband. It was:

"But ViolinMama, let me tell you... I know he is good because of you. Because of how you speak of him and love him. Let that sink in, because that should speak volumes for both of you."

I am speechless over both the generosity of that statement, and the truth in it. It is also such a helpful statement because when judgement or resentment want to creep in - it reminds me how good we ALL are, because God loves us. He forgives us every time we screw up. I am good because God is good. My husband is good because God loves him. I need to remember that when I let the hurt well up, and know that he, and myself, are more than our errors. 

The challenge is to keep going and make a change...commit to change. It is one thing to say "I can do better and I will do better." - it is another thing to live out the doing. That is where he is now, and me too.

Thank you, dear, wise, friend. I am good because of you too. All of you. I wish you a GOOD day today. 

Much love....humbly.