Weekend Catchup - and about our home...

I can't begin to say thank you for the comments, emails, calls, or txts about my hard week and my posts last week. Thank you. I enjoyed praying for you as well. I can tell you I felt those prayers for hours on Friday and they got me through the day. Being SO busy Saturday helped distract me, and today's endorphins from my 1st 10K run EVER really helped me!!!!!!!  God has been faithful and good to me.

I wanted to quickly clarify something. I do agree we should not move too soon. I actually prefer waiting, saving, etc. What I can't really elaborate on is the personal struggle on why I don't want to stay HERE for too long. Our condo is a total BLESSING, but there are a few personal reasons for being conflicted after a 1 1/2 year stay that I can't blog about. I was concerned my post sounded snobbish (and rereading it, it looks that way...that I'm "done" with living in a little condo with no yard). I honestly could living in another little apartment or condo...no yard...if it was a place where we could wander about outside. I just long for a place where outside play is a possibility. That's about all I can say. That just clarifies my "yard" wish. I should have said "outside space".

I fully support my husband in this pause and possible change of plans. Do I have concerns that he's also making decisions because he is scared of future stumbles....? Kinda, (and he knows this) and that was where my post was coming from. And being stuck for a long time where we are with my private concerns elicited an emotional reaction from me.  That and just anxiety, plain and simple, clouding my mind and decision making. We are quite a married pair! :)

I can't tell you how blogging and asking for prayer helped my anxiety, and I loved learning from Blair about the great NFP recommended vitamin. I'm still discerning seeking more medication (I just need to DO it - call and learn more. I was on a roll, then  fell off that wagon), but not bottling up helped. The other thing that helped on Friday was getting the children and I out for a picnic lunch in the gorgeous sunshine and climate. We went to a local small nature park (near our community garden) and it was the balm I needed on top of all the prayers. As my dear S told me....I'm a sunflower. I can't be kept in doors! It helped this wilted spirit for sure! I thank my Small Steps for Catholic Mothers Lenten Prompts for getting me outside.  

It was gorgeous outside!

Can you spot my 3 blessings? 

Then Lovely had a sleepover and the younger two went with me to play with their Godsister while I babysat her and her little twin brother and sister. Perfect evening for outside play! 

Then today...I ran my first 10k!!! What a blessing of endorphins. I've been getting back to running, with Lovely, thanks to my dear Kris (we run with our two 3rd graders during the week) and my dear J, my Goddaughter's mommy, who made us sign up for this race and with whom I run with on weekends. It's been a blessing. Today we did it...J's and my first 10k! We ran with another high school friend and the wife of a teacher at the high school. Being so close to St. Patrick's Day, the race was top o the green :)

I finished in 1:15:58. I was really pumped! The urban view of the race was really lovely....such a contrast to my normal love of nature:

Taken running over an overpass, cleared for runners.

A really funny story from this morning before the run. J and I planned to have me meet at her house at 7:15am. With the "springing ahead" - I had my husband set his alarm along with mine for 6:30am (as a backup since we both use cell phones as our clocks and I didn't know if they both would auto update during the night). I think Hubs accidentally messed with his to help it along, and this morning, it was the only alarm that went off. I woke up to him hitting me (mostly in his sleep LOL!) saying I needed to get up, my cell never rang. So, on auto pilot, I got ready and left. I noticed the dash clock said 4:55am. I started to think...wait...that would mean it is 5:55am??? So I'm heading to J's at 6am, not 7am??!!!!!!!! WHAT???!! It was hysterical to me that I got up at 4:30am for an 8:30am race. Goodness! And, as I waited in my car outside J's house (all dark as they were asleep), my alarm went off at 6:30am as needed. GAH!! LOL Gotta love a good laugh!

Afterwards, I was graced by a well earned nap, more Alleve (ha!), evening Mass, and then this YUMMY dinner celebrating the SUN STILL BEING OUT!!

A hummas and veggie sandwich on seven grain bread with fruit. So freaking delicious!!! The colors made me happy too. I am that social networker who takes pics of my food. HA!

Ok, I need to get to bed. Bootcamp at 5:45am, and then a full day of homeschooling. I need my rest. I was feeling anxious again this evening, but simply recapping my day has helped. PLEASE pray for me, and please post how I can pray for you. I need to focus on others.

Blessing!!! Enjoy the birth of Spring!

Need encouragement

So, we have this plan for 2013 to move out of this condo and into a rental home. We lost a little time/$ in the   job move/paycut of last summer, but still seemed on plan for a move this summer. I get asked all the time when the kids will get a yard, etc (even asked by friends at the church's Lenten fish dinner, my sister, parents, etc). I admit, it puts pressure on me. Or rather....I ALLOW it to pressure me. I give words and people power.

Problem is, husband is having some doubts on the time table. It's good he is being cautious, and while I'm all for eating beans and rice so we can move - he wants to be more realistic. So, we are trying to compromise, plan a NEW budget, try to find a plan that works for us.

I just need prayers. I very much want to do what keeps our family afloat - I just battle having the life sucked out of me in our current location. I have selfish emotional needs that are just drowning here. I yearn for a small yard for the kids, and a safe neighborhood. I yearn for energy that comes from feeling I'm on the right path, and I feel so stunted here now. This condo was supposed to be for short term recovery...and we are still here a year and half later. It's all me. The kids and Hubby are content here (well, Hubby is not fully, but he feels relief from his past stress here. Lovely does ask every other day when we are moving...but she is easily distracted).

So I need encouragement to stay positive, and prayers for acceptance that ultimately, God has this...and Hubby and I need to listen and make smart decisions.

Oh...how it helps to blog these feelings, instead of bottling them up. In real life, I feel like a never ending broken record (or would be, if I let myself say them out loud).

Blessings to you! Always post your prayer needs in the com box. I need reminders and reasons to pray!!

I can understand.

I can understand the fear.

I can understand the shame. 

I can understand the pressure.

I grew up, where when I hit puberty, someone in my family made it VERY clear that if I was ever to get pregnant - this person would pack my suitcase for me and leave it on the front steps. A person who, while I was young, focused on the shame when "it" happened to other people. Their unmarried status. Their growing figure. How limited their life will be now. A person who would talk about easily this could have been prevented by abstaining or by 'making it go away' because this person had grown up poor with many mouths to feed and "no one deserves that". A person who talked about another relative who had adopted twice and both of those beloved adopted children grew into a life of drugs and trouble.

So, honestly, my abstaining from sex in high school was mostly built on the fear of being expelled from my home, the shame of others knowing what I had done if I did, and pressure of how wrecked my life would be if I raised a baby while I was still a baby or how mixed up my child would be if they were adopted.

Nope, it was not so much the beauty of waiting till you met the man you saved yourself for, that you would take vows with, etc. It was never mentioned how RARE, courageous and heartbreakingly heroic it would be to actually carry a baby to term and then give it up to be adopted if I choose to not wait for marriage. I never even got a safe sex talk. My birth control was fear, shame, and pressure. And, those things are not 98% effective at preventing pregnancy but, I can state with 98% certainty I would have sought an abortion first before feeling I could come to this person for guidance.

So while I don't know how I would have really felt, or what I would have chosen to do (I'd like to think I would choose life, but I sometimes really wonder), I can understand. 

Before I continue, I can't imagine how scary and hard it must be to have raise children and teenagers to adulthood with the best possible start. Can I really fault an anxious loved one who was probably so scared of something happening to a child they so desperately loved that they did what they thought was best to ensure the best life possible? As a mother myself, I lay awake at night wondering how would we survive if Lovely, Valiant, Gift or future children developed a terrible drug or alcohol addiction. How do I raise them to wait for marriage when I know the intoxicating power of true love and lust when you are in a wonderful relationship that can lead to marriage? I worry about these things as much as I do teen driving, sexual predators, and childhood diseases. How do I have those talks with my kids? So, I write this knowing that this loved one did what they did out of the love of being a parent. I do know that.

But, I can understand.

When you simply want acceptance, when you crave unconditional love in a conditional world, and appearance is everything -  fear, shame, and pressure can lead to secret keeping, concealing, and that there is only "one" option to "fix" everything.

My becoming married didn't stop this understanding. This same person has made it clear that having multiple children is a weight. While one grandchild per couple has been welcomed with the fatted calf, I somehow have become the only child to go on to have more, and be open to more, and those children have been welcomed with indifference until their birth, or with venomous reaction based on their prejudiced feelings until birth. I am the only to embrace NFP and I have to confess, I battle anxiety at times during my cycle because of the lack of support I would feel and get from certain family, and many friends for a surprise blessing. I am a married woman, and yet I feel fear, shame, and pressure constantly. I can understand. 

I shouldn't let others think for me, or impact me in such a way (I'm working on this), but I can't express enough how those feelings from puberty have permeated my married life. Yoke that to our current struggles, and the temptation to listen to the world and embrace birth control over family planning has been hard to resist. It sounds so much more acceptable and sympathetic and, dare I say, 'responsible' to tell people your birth control failed than "We use NFP." That has GOT to change. It is never a failure when new life is created. It is NEVER a failure. We have got to change our vocabulary and our feelings. To get sympathy for a hormone failing and being blamed for using "that NFP business" for a surprise blessing shows how warped our society has become. So yes, I can understand.

I can understand why abortion is viewed as a needed option. I can understand it can feel like the only option. When a clinic gives more compassion to a fearful, shamed, and pressured girl than those who are called to champion life do, I can understand why it is available. When "pro-lifers" choose to destroy the dignity of the mother by judging the pregnancy, judging her soul, the choice to walk around pregnant for 9 months alone while they stare and gossip,  I can understand why adoption seems to be the horrific option ("She gave it away..."). Why would you put yourself in that position after the fear, shame, and pressure? Shame on us for allowing that to perpetuate. I can understand the great divide between pro-choice and pro-life when I know 99% of those that are pro-choice do not think they are pro-death - they want to protect women, give excellent and free care, etc when "pro-lifers" carry terribly violent signs and dress as the Grim Reaper (BTW, FANTASTIC article on this by Simcha Fisher here on this topic). I can understand.

I don't have any idea what it is liked to face pregnancy after rape, the rationalizations for morning after pills, or face a surprise pregnancy outside of marriage. I can understand the temptation to use abortion as birth control.  But, with the shortage of domestic adoptions leaving infertile couples or families called to enlarge their families through adoption with empty, aching arms, 1/3 of all African Americans killed through abortion in the last 30 years of the 40 year legal history, and 1.2 million deaths of God's precious souls on earth each year - I KNOW we have to start changing our lingo from ending an unwanted pregnancy to supporting an unplanned pregnancy. We have to support those heroes choosing adoption. We have to keep supporting medical advances that are proving what we didn't concretely know in 1973 - how LIFE really starts at conception. I've been astounded at what I've learned through friends going through IVF  - IVF doctors know gender at cell division before implantation! So, how then is it not human?  We've come so far since 1973 and back alley abortions. Surely we can do more to SUPPORT now than terminate? That, I can understand. That I can pray for.

We can't end there. There are two victims during an abortion procedure - the child AND the mother. The fathers also face great loss. We need to do more in post abortion healing. We need to remind them of their dignity in a "pro-life world" of damnation and judgement. They are beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made, and so valued. Who ever WANTS an abortion? How is it the first choice on someone's list? Compassion and love are needed in heaps for healing for these precious souls. How can we forsake them?

So, until prayer and answers come, I can understand I need to march. I need to march for life, if not with my feet than with my heart. I need to speak up on days like today. We need dialogue, not debate. My family usually marches together, though we took off last year after I had a confrontation the year before with a marcher because they had a violent sign and was nervous about Lovely seeing it. Other than that one sign that one year, the silent, prayerful walk had always felt like a safe way to show our support and civic participation for our children (be a part of peaceful change). Our eldest knows we walk for babies that have not gotten to stay in the womb till birth, and that has sufficed for her and her sister. But this year, Lovely returned (the little ones and I could not attend). I knew she would be with a safe group, and DC tends to get the more violent signs than our state's walk. But, it made me VERY nervous when Lovely asked me if she could make a sign to carry (My thoughts..."Oh no! She has noticed the signs!! What do I say????"). I told her yes, and she made the following "sign":

Pretty amazing and touching image, don't you think?

I told her "Oh, Lovely! What a BEAUTIFUL picture of Mary and Baby Jesus!!!! I love all of it!!" to which Lovely replied, "It's not Baby Jesus, it's Mary with one of the babies."

Stunned, choked up silence. 

I'd say she pretty much sums it up correctly. 

My daughter makes a sign to march with, that depicts Mary truly being "our mother". Mary, in her glory and strength, will love and hold these precious souls that have gone back to God. Mary does so with love, grace,  loving arms, and a SMILE of forgiveness and acceptance. I would hope a mother or father who suffer post their abortion procedure days or years later can look at Mary's face and see the love radiating back at them that HEALS. She wears green - a lush color of LIFE and growth. I can't help but think the rainbow is a depiction of the biblical promise of Gen 9:15 "I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life".

March on, sweet love, march on.

I pray we can live up to the covenant too, even if it only seeing these lost souls as citizens that deserve civil rights in a secular sense, if we can't be united in the eyes of God and see life made in His image.

I can understand.

Can you understand me?

Been up a while

Argh. Just venting. I've been awake a for a couple of hours, and gave up tossing and turning. I'm still recovering, but maybe this insomnia means I'm getting better to not need rest? HAHA.

I finally got up because darkness/insomnia/tossing and turning turn my cozy bed sanctuary into a breeding ground of anxiety. Oh, the thoughts in my head about homeschooling concerns and planning, family strife, marriage progress, being a check-in mother, finances, future plans...you name it, I thunk it.

It seems my UNPLANNED Christmas day afternoon nap was because I was getting sick. I have been sick since the day after Christmas until/including the day that is breaking as we approach 7am. I got one day at home to rest after my stressful Christmas, then we turned back around and headed back, as extended family was arriving for a 3 day visit.

I was nervous. This side of the family holds some tension. I was so out of gas from the 25th, that I was so nervous. But, Day 1 and most of Day 2 were FANTASTIC. It was so nice to be together. But, oh...was I getting sick - hoarse, throat cold (not sore, more like laryngitis). I was so. tired. I made sure I did not nap. I set my alarm when I would lay down with my younger kids for their nap time so I would rouse when we fell asleep together.

Then, came the evening of Day 2. The men of the house were gone, my parents gone, so the ladies left behind poured some wine for some girl talk. At first the conversation centered around the one family member that stressed us all out and how to deal better with it. It seemed to open the door to some bonding (such needed bonding if we COULD get it). When it was my turn to share, I shared things I had loved, and struggled with growing up. We all had shared stories of our not so great youth moments - and I linked mine (since my sister had joked about my crazy ADHD self as a kid - ooooh, I had some issues!) to how I couldn't fully fault my bullies in school too much if I really had such control issues. I probably made myself an easy target. This lead to questions, and I was excited to share. Up until this time, I always felt my FRIENDS knew me better than my family. That felt wrong to me...I've always dreamed/hoped my family would be closer, would be bonded, like so many families seemed in my circles, or in books, movies, or TV. So, I shared (we all did) but my stories were so surprising to my family that I felt stupid for sharing them. I felt embarrassed finally opening up. My sister was fine...but...anyways...I just regret sharing now.

Maybe that is why I overshare. Looking to be heard? I don't know, I feel I talk too much about myself in the past 2 years. I try not to, but I'll relate something someone said to me, trying to make a connection. But I fear it isn't a good "listening" technique and leaves others feeling I stole the train. Maybe I don't - but I've been told by one I do. I know blogging helps me find a release for my thoughts, blessedly. But I sure felt I did that with my family - even though everyone shared. I just felt so raw and exposed and embarrassed for trying to shorten the age gap and share with them. Their stories were so different because of their ages.

So, the conversation turned to homeschooling. This family member is one I've suspected hasn't loved our family's choice in homeschooling, and even though they assured me that was not so, the conversation turned to more of me defending why we do it. I should have ended it, after my sister chimed in to defend me saying that she knows we check with the national/state standards, etc and homeschooling is such a stronger option than it was 15 years ago. She was AWESOME (and I don't think she fully loves what we do, but she embraces and supports our passion for it)! My sister eventually dosed off in her chair. I should have walked away, but in the moment, I wanted to try to share the experiences that changed my mind on homeschooling (I used to be against it!). Dare I say, I wanted to bond with my family. Wrong move. I was hoarse, tired, and losing the battle to 'their reason'. After I described our schedule, my family member said, "So, basically, you are not really homeschooling, but creating a private school atmosphere with these art classes, Good Shepherd class, and co-oops and LEGO class." Sigh.

I told her she could see it that way, as homeschooling parents tailor education to their kids, which goes beyond what a public school can do....but more than a private school, especially the early years. I went on to tell her how the scene was changing, and if a child chose not to do traditional high school, that there was dual enrollments in local colleges, great ways to learn, save $, etc. But that was reasoned off by them, in a very negative tone. They questioned not letting certified teachers for ANY grade teach children, how did parents know enough, "SOCIALIZATION" and "what about the high school experience?". I told her that she had good points/questions, and every family decides what works best for them, that it was just nice to see the options unfold. It was a down hill discussion. For all their pledges they supported what we were doing....the tone and facts and reasoning they used was very anti-homeschooling. I was glad when I finally realized and could switch topics...with my sister waking up in her chair and that helping me bring up how late it was and we all should get to bed. I wish I had done it sooner, I REALLY was hoping for a light to go off, and some bonding to occur. Instead, I went to bed anxious, worried about our choices, etc. Darn it! And that's on me...how I let words affect me.

Anyways...those events popped up in my mind. Is Lovely really learning and thriving this year? I made big goals to improve 2nd semester...do more writing, reading....enrichment. But I'm battling feeling defeated.Then I thought about our new 2013 budget, marriage stress, how alone I feel lately, etc. Toss and turn, toss and turn. At least I'm not coughing as I have been. I can see big improvement in my healing.

When I started feeling too gloomy, I got up. I read some funny things online, and then thought some prayer time would help. There is nothing better than 3 Minute Retreat.

Ironically...this was today's featured meditation (You can click through the many they have - but one is featured). I'd say God never speaks to us by chance.

So, that meditation speaks for itself. I will rue over Psalm 85:9 and the questions the meditation asks me to consider...where in my life am I most in need of peace? How can I make room in my heart for God's word in my heart? How can I share it with others? 

Pray for me. Please leave any prayer intentions you have. You have no idea how it helps me to focus on something for others. It keeps the Body of Christ more alive in my heart. Much love.

It's a new day dawning. 

I'm better for posting.

When a door seems shut...God opens a window. 

View from my bed today - even with Sandy hitting the eastern shore.

I was amazed last evening.

When I hit publish on my post, "Stuck", yesterday - I instantly felt better. I even commented on that post how much lighter I felt. I'm not cured, but I don't feel as out of control or panicked as I did writing that post. I feel less numb. Apparently transparency is my MO. I felt less insecure, and less depressed with letting it all out. Talking about similar parenting decisions to mine by my nearest and dearest made me feel more confident. Talking on the phone to a dear blogging pal reminded me to toss out the negative voices as much as I could. All of that is logical, and I'm working on it. My emotions don't always follow suit - but I'm working on it. It is extra aggravating to me that I KNOW what I should be doing, feeling, and dealing - but I can't FIX it. I'm such a fixer.

I do notice I trend towards depression and insecurity when I hold back from sharing my feelings. It's hard, because I do feel the need to share my feelings a lot - which appears self-centered and burdens those I want to talk to. It depends on how heard I feel. I tend to ramble or seek resolution if I don't think I'm making enough sense to be understood (or "heard"). Oh, how I wish I could turn it off. Blessedly, my episodes usually come and go. But, I've been pretty embattled the last year - and couple this past year to the previous 2 years where I was sensing something insecure (I had no idea it was my marriage, but I knew I was in unsteady times, and it lead me to seek a therapist. I had assumed it was post postpartum depression and lack of sleep). So, a few of my relationships have been tested by me...well...being very flawed. Me almost being my own Roman soldier and forcing Simons to help carry my crosses. Then I try to over-fix...and well....I'm exhausted. So, I hold back. I hold in. And....I implode - like yesterday.

(I still feel incredibly frumpy with my weight struggle. But, that is another post. Today I improved...but barely.)

But...transparency works for me. Perhaps, it is how God made me. The perks of my personality are a gift from God. The flip side is just a cross Jesus asks me to carry. I will find balance one day. Until then, I learned yesterday to take my burden to the altar, and to this blog. And keep working on improving. I felt less numb today - I felt God again. It was me being open, since He is always there for me. I was laying in bed during the younger two's nap time and I saw the beauty out my window and the sunlight and just FELT God. I'm still struggling to keep that door open and feel less numb, less searching, but I felt better today than I had in a week. I made sure I scooped up my family and got them outside and IN God's beautiful creation.

We headed to our local community garden, park, and hiking trails.

Today was just a gift from God. The days may be becoming shorter and shorter....

...but it is up to me to find the beauty in the hours of light I'm given.

I'm better. Not perfect. But better.

AMEN! Praying for you! If you have any prayer requests, PLEASE post them in the combox so we can pray for you!!! Thank you for all the comments and prayers. Really. 

sTuCk.

I'm in a season again. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. I've been battling generalized anxiety (GAD) for a while now, and it comes and goes in the heaviness of its yoke, and it can correspond greatly with the strength of my spiritual strength.

What happened to my spiritual/emotional/physical high and sense of peace and balance last weekend? 

I'm anxious no matter how "spiritually high or low" I am. It's a cross I bear, and there are seasons I need medication, or not. There are seasons where I need more professional help, or not, But, it is always there. I notice a trend of feeling more anxiety and depression when I'm spiritually dry, tested, or as the days grow shorter in the fall. And if all those elements combine - then I'm facing quite the burden of generalized anxiety. And lookie lookie....after a trying year and one month, here comes the time change. The time to "fall back" is approaching, and my well is a bit tapped out as we head into the time change. I feel a whammy of insecurity, anxiety, and depressive feelings circling me. And, I'm in a season of trying to figure out my journey with God at the same time. The last few days have found me discerning how to improve my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It's about time to pull out the bigger guns while asking for prayer as the sun sets earlier and darkness sets in.

I cried at Mass today. Well, as much as I could allow with my children there (not needing to see their mother cry) and my parents there (who I just don't have the relationship where I can be vulnerable - I can tell they WANT me to be real with them, but I just can't take that leap. Long story, and one that is not all their faults for sure). I'm at an impasse of my own emotional creation. One where I know my God is so with me, is holding me up, and wants me to lie on His shoulder as would a sleeping infant - soothed and love - but one where I feel stuck and unable to move ahead.  I've spent the last 13 months totally FROGing it (Fully Relying On God) while we were drowning emotionally, financially, etc. And now....prayers are getting answered, and we are coming out of the desert in the financial area. You would think I'm closer to God than ever. But, I'm finding myself at a loss. Where do I walk with God now? In panic mode and time of test....I found it easy to see Him at every turn. Now, it's like I know He is there, holding me up....but I don't know how to hug Him now that we are not in panic mode. Does that make sense? I don't know any other way to say it....I have been hugging God, and sitting in His lap, and feeling his arms around me, and heeding His call to witness His everlasting love in the midst of my crisis, blindingly FROGing as He redeemed our last 13 months (and the last several years I didn't really know was brewing) and this past week...I'm finding myself incredibly lonely. And it isn't God abandoning me at all...because rationally, I know He is there and has me....but for some reason....I'm at a loss for how to proceed with my Lord. It's like I've forgotten how to delight in Him when we are not in crisis. It's like...I'm numb.

I should be celebrating and enjoying the light at the end of the tunnel, right? What's wrong with me?

Is it shell shock? Is it like a form of PTSD? Because I've been battling a multi-front war for over a year now.  All the things happening in my marriage was physical/emotional/spiritual warfare, losing my home was a physical blow, losing the home base for my domestic church was a spiritual blow, having my husband's health fail a week after learning those truths was a physically and emotionally draining war front. Why was I stronger in the battle, and now weaker in the respite? I'm having to use energy to calm fires in my family, in a few friendships, so many fronts I lose track. I feel like a fraud at times. And, I'm a terrible liar. 

I can tell I'm coming under all sorts of attacks now mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because of this new "season". Since the summer, I've been battling insecurity on a HUGE scale (if we are friends or family...most likely I've been secretly questioning how solid we are, or flat out annoying you by looking to fix or affirm our relationship. If I haven't been...then be so grateful..as I am...that I have that peace about us. What a gift to me at this time. It's good to be good). I'm battling major anxiety and growing depression (my motivation to do more above the basics is starting to decrease) which means it is time to revisit my therapist as soon as our insurance kicks in. It's the oddest feeling to be aware of the help you need while trying to ride it out at the same time. 

I'm starting to let innocent comments about my parenting style (discipline - too harsh or too mild depending on the observer - especially by family members) confuse me and handicap me from being consistent (I'm giving them the power, it's not their fault). Innocent comments such as if my younger two can dress themselves by themselves yet make me want to cry out of feeling like a failure, having friends be honest I've exhausted them by talking too much about me and my struggles scare me. I then allow myself to overcompensate and try too hard to fix "us" and keep explaining my reasoning and looking for affirmation instead of letting go and letting the ball be in their court whether they accept me for me at this time, or not. I'm broken right now, and people have to accept that and push ahead and reach back out to me....and I have to learn to let the ones go who can't do that for me. I'm apparently in a 2-3 year rut of selfishness, and if they can't carry the burden of me...then I have to accept it. I don't want to force my yoke on anyone...and yet....I do. And, I'm horrible at accepting that - it is on me. 

God should be all I need. Yet, I keep turning and burdening worldly relationships...why? Why do I need the affirmation? Why do I take so many things personally?

I'm starting to let family comments about where we are living now and how THEY think it is affecting our children affect me. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin now when I'm home. I feel like a failure in my current home because of these comments (again, I've got to stop giving power to the comments!). I'm catching myself turning to sloth to avoid duties in my home - too lazy to fold clothes because I want to "check out". Dishes piling in the sink. That road won't lead anywhere but to me feeling more down. A straight home sets my spirit free - I know that. So, I need to make it happen. It just feels like situational depression -  at home, I feel like I'm walking through thick mud to do chores. I never was this way in my old house. I was a neat freak in the main areas of our home. It helps to homeschool on pretty days at the park, etc. It breaks up the time I spend on our condo. I also am so upset I see our condo like this - when this condo was a total blessing from God. A BLESSING. How is it I feel mired down by our blessing? It doesn't help that 5 people in a small condo has also added some wear and tear I feel guilty about. I look forward to fixing it up as we move out as a gift back to our generous land lord. 

Maybe I get so tired in our condo, because so much of my energy goes to making sure my kids feel their mom is happy, that their parents are ok, and that this move and "transition" between homes is GOOD and SECURE for them. I spend so much time making sure they see the perks of all three of them in one bedroom together (ages 2-9), that the move a year ago was ok, that the move to the mountains would be great, and now the NON-move to the mountains will be great as we look for a home here (these kids have faced or expected 3 moves in a year now), that the people we call neighbors here are children of God and wonderful (you know...with the same healthy caution of strangers, etc), yet we can't run outside a play like we did at our old house with our neighbors. To then hear family members say, "Well, I want to give Lovely a Lego set, but I can't because she doesn't have her own private area to play with them without her siblings "getting into" them and puts the 2 year old's safety at stake with small pieces..." makes me want to yell at my family instead of stay calm and patient because I know they love me. They are trying to be proactive...and I'm being reactive. I'm being oversensitive.  Their comments just remind me who they really blame for all this (hubby) and makes healing hard for them seeing me live where I live, and healing hard for my hubby and myself...feeling like we are squelching our children's spirits. It's exhausting. 

Deep down, I know we have all we need to be happy, which is why, 90% of the time we ARE HAPPY. When I don't let the pressure get to me, I can stand back and look at how great we have it. We are living with less, a lot less, and our children are THRIVING. Sure, there are extras I'm looking forward to (more bedrooms perhaps? a yard?) but we are living so small and uncomplicated and my kids are showing that works. Why am I not more secure? 

The funny thing is...I know I shouldn't listen to anyone but God. Really. Why can't I follow through with that reason. I don't need anyone but God. I also have the one person I need to really "get" me....so...what's the problem? 

And yet....I'm numb to God? How is that possible? I write that with tears running down my face. We're approaching Thanksgiving and Advent where feeling God so close should be easy and exciting and FUN! I am so tired of thinking of doing our traditions already. HELLO??!!! God just got is through the biggest crisis of our lives, and it's a struggle to feast in Him? I go and take the Eucharist, and I lack feeling the "commune" in communion. I feel so lonely while being a part of the greatest community in the world - the Body of Christ. What is UP with that? I never feel that way. I know He is there. He has not forsaken me. So...it's like the age old relationship line - "It's not you, it's ME." This is all on ME, and I'm totally frustrated. Except when I'm numb.

I was doing so well with my weight loss journey. I then lost more weight in the anxiety over hubby's job and loss of pay. Now, since he has come home and my anxiety changed tunes - I've gained weight. About 7 pounds. I've had to grab the reins again. I'm getting back in control...but I was/am turning to food again. It's so frustrating. I had about 50 pounds to lose, hit my 10% goal, now have regained some. I'm back to needing to lose 30 pounds after making such strides to that total. I'll get there, but I wanted a nice buffer (HA! When I first typed "buffer" I typed "buffet") for the holiday and traditional foods of the season.

I rationally know God is there for me. I know spiritual dryness happens. I know spiritual warfare happens. It happens to us all. I'm obviously entering that season. I have no idea why, but I know what I need to do in seeking help, and so now I seek prayers. Please pray for me. Pray my numbness subsides. I want to crawl into my Savior's lap again and lay my head on His shoulder. I miss that hug I've been giving Him extra tight the last 13 months - the arms I've known were around me since I was in 1st grade and Jesus was literally my only friend as classmates taunted me for 8 years. Why after all those crosses am I tripping myself up? Why am I numb instead of feeling anymore? Why can't I simply return the hug? I love hugs. You see me around town and at church and I hug. I'm so ready to bear hug Christ again. 

I'm just tired of being stuck. So, please pray for me. Thanks so much! 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Praise God!!! He is so good. For that, my heart soars. 

Much love! Blessings!

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale

“Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

My alternate title? The Post Where I Finally Reveal Everything You Have Prayed For The Last Few Months!

Yes. Really.

So, what do you think of the following pictures (side note: I am SO behind on posting pictures of our summer!!!)?

 

Pretty, right?

How about being a pretty place for children to grow up? A small town by a big river in the foothills of the mountains that ALSO had big city perks, tons of home school support, and so many outdoor activities a young family could soak in???! SCORE!

We were sold on this idea this past year, prayed, and felt it was a place God wanted us eventually and we became open to potential jobs in the area. Obviously, this would mean a move across state lines! My husband really needed and has been wanting for years (silly economy) to move ahead in his IT career and decided this past spring it was the time to look for some upward mobility that working for the government in his past job was not providing. He LOVED his last office, but just was hungering for more opportunity and growth. Since he needed to look, he decided to look where those pictures above were taken - not our state. Yep - we were open to moving!

Within a few months, Hubby had found some great companies and interviewed. He was not looking for any job, but a really good one - one with a raise, etc to make the move a smart one. He got close to one job, but they decided to go within the company. Then in June, he interviewed for another great position. As it became  apparent they wanted to hire him, we spoke with some of our closest friends for advice. The job seemed to be a GREAT opportunity. It was our first job where benefits and salary did not start for 90 days, and a recruiter was involved - but the recruiter did banter with us on making the hourly pay WELL worth our while, and the company who hired my husband promised him a 20% raise with the benefits and salary. After those negotiations, Hubby signed on. Again, this was the end of June. May and June were when I started begging for those prayers. I think April too LOL! Now you know why! Your prayers worked!

We knew we needed to save up his new raise for the big move. So, while he started the new job on July 2nd, we decided we would move as a family in October, and he would come home on weekends to visit and save for the move. My dear friend S did this same arrangement for over a year with her husband, so I knew I could survive and use the same strategies as a single mom during the week. He went ahead and got an extended day hotel room for a good price.

He LOVED the new work. It was in a corporate headquarters for a huge plant operation. He walked on average 6-9 miles a day (so good for his health). He was working with fantastic technology. I kept myself really busy, spending 2 whole weeks as a traveling nanny for my dear, dear, dear C a few hours away. It helped make July so bearable, especially since S moved...taking part of my heart, and my kids' hearts with her family. It was a nice distraction to work, and be in a place with a pool and friends for my kids, and a feeling of true family for me. I'm so grateful for those 2 weeks!

After those 2 weeks of working, the children and I went to visit him for about 13 days. We went to home hunt, enjoy being together, and meet so many new friends in the co-ops I had found for playdates and homeschooling. One person I met at a homeschool co-op "1st Friday" potluck celebration was none other than Haus Frau from Dwelling in Tol Garden!!! How cool is that??!! To meet a fellow reader/blogger??!!! It was very comforting! We bought family passes to the aquarium there, the children's museum, and a gorgeous park. The year anniversary of "our life exploding and losing our home, my husband's health", etc was approaching (September 16th), and it seemed God was granting us the chance to rebuild by that melancholy anniversary. We made some great memories in our future new home:

Looks pretty much like heaven on earth....really...right? 

I mean....look at these colors... look at our future......

Except well....

it is not our future. Except as a vacation spot. 

I see it now as a blessing, but at the time - it felt like a killjoy. But, I never really could get excited about this job. I had this weird feeling we would never move. Now, I see it as God protecting my heart and keeping us from rushing into the move. Hubby learned during that long visit that it looked like the company who hired him was losing their hold, and getting bought out. They told my husband his job might likely end August 31st. (!!!!!) Can they do that? Hire when things look grim and not say anything??!! That is when I did a big plea on this blog, and through email, for prayers. He would have not gotten severance, he had no job to return home to, and we really had not rebuilt savings enough to survive on unemployment. It was....so...so scary. It was a new season of trust and choosing joy for our family, again.

Hubby learned a few days later that it seemed that he and his coworkers WOULD get hired on by the new company (your prayers working people!) - and it seemed like it would be even BETTER than before. For a few more weeks, he worked, very excitedly. We saved extra money just in case this good news failed to last, and we decided to save gas and not have him come home until we knew his job was safe. I radically changed our budget at home, started babysitting part time, etc, but it all seemed to be looking VERY good. He would get hired on with salary and benefits instantly with the new company, there would be a discount on a company van, and we could move sooner to be together!

Heart attack over!!! Right?

Well, apparently I love roller coasters....and my life wanted to copy that thrill ride!

At this point, I was about a month into being a single, SAHM who homeschools and we were doing ok. He was then hired by the new company which dropped a BOMB:

~ They hired MOST everyone (Hubby made the cut with his certifications!) but some lost out.
~ They would slash their pay for 6 months almost 80%.
~ Benefits would cost $900 a month for those 6 months at an 80% pay cut (most opted out).
~ They would work 12 hour shifts, not 8 hr days, and flip day shifts/night shifts each week. EXHAUSTING.

So, really, forget not having the $ to come home - he didn't have the time. And we needed what he could bring in. It was far more than unemployment, and being in a job helps GET a new job. Yes...this meant a NEW job search. AGAIN.

We sent out so many requests for prayers on this blog, prayer circles, emails AGAIN (same song, new refrain). We spent the first few weeks looking for jobs in the area. We so desperately wanted to move there. We had gone to different churches looking for a parish home, I had joined 3 co-ops - one Catholic, one for field trips, one for play. I was getting to know people. They offered prayers and support as well. We felt it was home away from home.

God's hand was at every turn! A chance meeting when hanging out by the river with the sister of an old high school friend of my husband (lol!) lead to a cheaper place to stay (a rented room at their home versus the extended day hotel saving hundreds), another friend's church gave us a gas card for a visit and a Kr*ger card, our new co-ops all sent us information on possible jobs opening up (even though the jobs never did, how awesome of these new friends to help!), and my husband made some great work friends who helped each other out. It was absolutely amazing! So many prayers were offered on our behalf. God never STOPS blessing us!

I'm not sure I'm allowed to state the name of a fellow friend/blogger/reader who stepped up with her husband to help us with a possible job in that state and resume help - but they know who they are, and can tell me if they want me to shout from the rooftops how much we love and appreciate them - but they were amazing!!! Seriously, I cry with gratitude. My husband gets choked up. If only we could meet up in person....

It became apparent that the best avenue for jobs were back in our home city. Rumors of jobs in the area above that we wanted, or even in that state just ran dry. Nothing was posted that Hubs could do with his certifications and background. BIG. SIGH. So, hubby and I discerned we would focus back here at home. Thank GOD we have never moved, right??!!! Plus, we still had no idea how this all would play out. Maybe we could still have our river and mountains and forests, right?

So, August and September went on. Hubby applied daily to jobs while working at the plant. He got close to some area jobs, but they did not offer what we needed (at this point, we would have taken the pay amount he had earned at his last job, but the offers were just too low to help us rebuild. We needed about what he made before). The gas card was used up, and while we treasured what the card gave us (and who gave it to us), he needed to stay and save money. So, we didn't see him until the end of September. It was a long two months of not seeing him in person (and barely talking or skyping because of his flip schedule), and I so admire any single parents out there....WOW...what a JOB!!! I was up to 3 months of single parenting/homeschooling and I was in awe of the single moms and dads I knew. Wow. Pray for those in your life, friends! My 3 months alone was NOTHING that so many face daily. Really.  But, God was very good to me and my family.

Hubby FINALLY got to come home around September 14th for a visit. While he was here - he got TWO 2nd interviews (he had done the 1st two by phone). God set him up well, being able to be in town for in person interviews! Both were FANTASTIC opportunities - with one being a lead supervisor position. Hubby had never worked at that level - but he had the experience, and decided to go for it. Obviously, his 1st interview went well enough for the in-person 2nd interview! I was excited for him at both opportunities.

Both interviews went well. He was SOOO excited. It was the happiest I had seen him in months. Then came the week of waiting. He went back and I stayed here with the kids. We heard nothing, and Hubby was given a 3 day break due to overtime. On a whim, he packed up his room in total, and brought everything home. He said it was because he really felt something good was about to happen - BUT he was prepared to take it all back with him that weekend.

Except...he was right. He did not have to head back! As I type this, HE IS HOME WITH US!!! PERMANENTLY!!

He got a call with an incredible job offer! It was the job that was a lead supervisor LAN Admin position. It was like a 3 rung jump on the career ladder for himself. It was a higher position that he had our current city and higher than the job he took out of state that was better than the last. The benefits are great (they start in a month) and his salary was immediate, wonderful, and he has been there working a week now, starting last Monday. He is enjoying it so far. In a few months, he will starting hiring more for his team, and he feels like he should keep pinching himself. He seems to be a good leader as well.

And, you can tell the kids are thrilled:

They ADORE their DAD!!!

I can tell you that the happiest person in the room is NOT shown in the above picture. 

So, AMEN! He is HOME!

AMEN!! He has an incredible job!!

AMEN! We can pay what we owe!

AMEN!! We have enough to save!

Sadly, we are not moving to our "dream" city...yet. We feel God did plant that dream - but He has His Timing in place for when we settle there. We also don't feel the last 3 months were a waste of time. He needed to do this for his resume, his work experience, and obviously for God's bigger plan. He was gone for 3 months at this job for a reason...one we may not know for a while in full, but that we can for now in parts. Perhaps he met people he needed to meet. Perhaps it was to unit people in incredible prayer. Perhaps it was to refine us more. Perhaps it was to make us more grateful. Perhaps it was a lesson in trust and choosing joy.

We may not have the river, but "here" has a mountain nearby, a forest for hiking, and many things to do outside. We are blessed here! 

We still have a move ahead of us. We will eventually be moving from our current condo. All three children share a bedroom now (which is a blessing, and we don't mind a bit....except...when we mind it...) The age gap runs from 2 years old to 9 years old and acquiring an extra bedroom would be lovely as it would mean better sleep! We're praying about what type of housing - apartment/condo, or a house with a yard. A yard seems to be something we are hungering for - but one can save a lot of $ in an apartment/condo. So, we will just look around and pray.

Also, being together means we can work on rebuilding our family again, our marriage, and afford to do marriage counseling again. We sure do need it. I have a deep need for renewed healing and growth with my husband. Retrouvaille  proved to be such a needed part of our foundation and we want to build on that. We did the program while in counseling, so we want to keep up the work and improvement! 

Last week, I was on such a high, feeling relief. Such grace came from this job, right past our year anniversary mark.  It was foreign to feel so lightweight. Starting Friday though, feelings of grief, fear, processing, and such began to occur when I opened a letter notifying my husband about a financial background check for his new job (that obviously he passed - whew! But, was a bad reminder for me of worry). Since then, I am emotional and I cry often. It's obviously part of the 5 stages of grief that I'm allowing myself to feel now that so much of our panic is over. I guess I'm relaxing enough that now I can feel some of the feelings I gave to God before. Maybe I should re-give them to God? HAHA! I want so much for our marriage - trust, equally yoked spiritually (and I can't force that!), peace, partnership, etc. I'm just highly emotional now. In some ways, I feel like I did last September  - so the healing continues. Life is a series of 'there and back' on repeat.

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale (*reference from The Hobbit) is a good title for sure isn't it....both in where we were moving, and in my emotions. But, just like the Hobbit, I am better for the journey. Thanks for being my faithful companions on the journey.

"I am looking for someone to share

 in an adventure that I am arranging..."

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

I am blessed by your support and prayers. Thank you. Love you....and keep praying. If you have any intentions, PLEASE post them in the combox. 

Blessings from "here". 

"If more of us valued food and cheer 

and song above hoarded gold, 

it would be a merrier world."  

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit