To make good {fulfill]

I'm going to post date this for February, to make this count for my "Word of 2013 - Redeem" series. I'm breaking down the definition into the 12 parts in Webster to actually study the word better, and hold myself accountable to it each month.

I'm really sorry for the lack of posts here. I wonder if I have any readers left. I see some of you often (Kris, talk to S a lot, and some on FB) and others of you I try to read your blogs when I can (Karen, Blair, Mary, Maria, Kate, etc) but I've had so little drive to come here and blog anything.

So let's talk about finding a way to make good, to "fulfull" in the quest to redeem.

When you see me each day...I'm cheerful, EXCITED to be out of the condo, with you at school, jogging, etc. But at home...I'm pretty much a bump on a log. I homeschool and then my energy is gone. I have to remind myself to be present for my kids. I was trying to avoid using our insurance to get some medication to try (didn't want it on my record) but, after being pointed in another direction by a friend's therapist she had recommended, I am thinking after this week I need to not wait any more. Interestingly, I noticed that I get the darkest when I'm done ovulating in my cycle on my chart. While still living in quicksand during my fertile part of my cycle, I'm still more upbeat, fall asleep with less thoughts detracting me, etc. The moment I'm in my 3 days post O - I wake up feeling impending doom, go to sleep feeling impending doom, and am tempted to eat my feelings "away". Thankfully, I have great friends getting me out, helping me workout, and I'm hoping to see the scale decrease and my energy increase. Thank GOD I'm a positive person....infectiously so (a gift FROM Him). I think that tank is what keeps me going. It's totally situational, part chemical...not total clinical. If I wait to make a call to see a doctor and my cycle starts over....I'm less inclined to make the call. Then days like today hit, and I'm mad I haven't called sooner! I obviously need to be evened out.

I just miss feeling my spiritual connection with God. I know He's there,  I know we are in Lent...but if it wasn't for Holy Heroes kid videos that come into my inbox daily, I wouldn't be delving in more of the great parts of this season with my kids. I try to model prayer, sacrifice for Lent, being mindful - but honestly, their faith formation is coming from Holy Heroes every other day, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd once a week, our Friday co-op and Sunday Mass. I feel like I'm wasting valuable and precious days of childhood to point my children to their Savior and opportunities to fall in love with Him.

Marriage wise, we are up and down. Not in terms of fighting, but feeling the love. We either are working as a team and on the same page, or we are going through the motions of being married and parents. It depends on the stress level in our day. It takes effort to do our therapy homework. The desert of our marriage is what brings me down the most. I miss the pride I used to have. I miss feeling "normal". But, at the end of the day,
I'm grateful we both have gumption and our 'sticking to it-ness'  toward our marriage. Thank God for the Word and the sacraments! Last month's word, atone, is something we are still working on this month, and I'm sure, next month. We will fulfill our marriage wows. We will.

So, how to make good? How to fulfill this life I've been given? How to redeem what I'm struggling with? First off, I would think admitting where I'm weak is a start. Being honest when I'm not 100%, when I need to let go and take a nap, and to start thinking less about me, and more about others. It's easy for me to become a hermit if I don't have to meet someone or meet a deadline. So...I need to fulfill obligations with a happy heart, a grateful one. I need to make good by falling on my knees....fulfilling that call to prayer. I need to embrace the talents God has given me to SHARE and fulfill that gift, that call, that obligation. I need to play the violin more, sing, read, run, breathe, and in every motion glorify my Creator and bless others.

I need to let God's Word fulfill me. I'm in a 'Romans 8:26 season' and am not praying as I ought, but the Holy Spirit is groaning for me, praying for me, lifting me, interceding for me, filling my weakness.

I need to remember in order to make good, I have to remember I AM good. I am good because I am made in God's image, and he said I was good. I'm good enough because Jesus was sent to pay the price for me...keeping me good. I need to show God my gratefulness and be more faithful to him. That is how I fulfill my purpose. I make good by living FOR God. I fulfill God's promises to me by vanquishing the voices telling me I'm not good, that I'm a failure. That I'm not enough in this current season of struggle for my children.

It takes baby steps. I think I'm overwhelming myself trying to get back on the right path, when it needs to be smaller steps. I know I'll be praying on this in the coming days to see how I can live my life more like a well paced marathon, not a sprint.

So, as I try to make good...to fulfill, I keep in mind my season of Romans, and cling to my Father, my faith, my Savior, my community. I have not lost sight of my blessings. I may be feeling more numb these days, but thank God I still see the the blessings, and know they are there. We have so much to be thankful for. God is fulfilling His promises.

And tonight, I pray on the following. God is go Good. I will make good:

Romans 5: 3-5:
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Amen!

Beautifully Said.

Hey There...is this mic on?

I'm not sure if anyone is reading. I confess, I have not really been on my reader of late. I hope no one has given up on me. I am skimming tonight to catch up with so many of you. Much love to you all. I need to at least blog my 2013 word of the month (from the definition of my 2013 word - Redeem). I need to do that before March 1st lol!

Blogging has become a bit of a burden of late. Here is what I feel when I think about blogging:

~ I feel tired thinking about it.
~ I want to do it, but then thinking about doing it overwhelms me.
~ I feel it will just be another repetitive post.
~ When I do sit down to blog, I feel guilty for spending my time this way.

One of my favorite bloggers/photographers recently posted a gorgeous, honest post that I could identify with on every level. She and I do the same things to feel hope, joy, and to feel alive - take pictures, make memories, etc. She did it so simply, with art and grace. So...do yourself a favor...go read it for her, and for me, and maybe for yourself.

Little House that Grew

And while you are there....enjoy her sense of fashion, decorating, and covet her house. The house they just made a home and how he's being transferred AGAIN to Alaska for the Coast Guard. Keep them in your prayers! I can't wait to keep going on the journey!

And...love those pictures. WOW! I find such joy and hope when people are transparent about their life...the good and the bad. I am so grateful she posted it.

Blessings!

Blessed Candlemas and Feast of the Presentation of our Lord!

So today is the feast of the Presentation of our Lord, also known as Candlemas for the purification of Mary. Yesterday, the co-op class I'm helping organize and lead with the other moms of preK through 1st grade children put on a liturgical feast based on Luke 2: 22-35.

Jesus Presented in the Temple

²² When the time came for the purification rites required by the Law of Moses, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord ^{23 2}as it is written in the Law of the Lord, “Every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord”, ²⁴ and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: “a pair of doves or two young pigeons.”

dove shaped peanut butter sandwiches, candle shaped treats (Candlemas), crepes (like a bundled baby), fruit, and white hot chocolate (white for Mary). Kids also folded napkins into a candle shape for today (Candlemas).

²⁵ Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. ²⁶ It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah.²⁷ Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, ²⁸ Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:

²⁹ “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
    you may now dismiss^[c] your servant in peace.
³⁰ For my eyes have seen your salvation,
³¹     which you have prepared in the sight of all nations:
³² a light for revelation to the Gentiles,
    and the glory of your people Israel.”

³³ The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. ³⁴ Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, ³⁵ so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.”

Swords piercing cheese, for Luke 2:35

New International Version (NIV)

I am LOVING this Liturgical Teas and Feast class. I have always wanted to make it a better habit to celebrate the feast days and this class has helped me be more responsible about it. When we last me, we celebrated the Feast of Our Lady of Altagracia. As a class, we work on table setting, table manners, and serving each other. This week the children also made their own sandwiches, cut out the dove shapes, made the candle treats, set the table, folded the napkins this way: Folded Candles. Happy Feast Day! This is a great weekend for bringing faith to life! Yesterday was the Feast of St. Brigid of Ireland (Irish foods!), today is Candlemas/Presentation, and tomorrow is the Feast of St. Blaize - and a good time to be blessed for health - especially if you suffer from colds, sore throats, and other throat ailments! Blessings to you!!!

In the moment

It's rare I can blog in the moment anymore. Gone are the kid-isms where I quickly blog a funny they say. I do it through social networking, but need to remember to put them in a more permanent place, like here.

Today, this moment, is rare. I'm so glad I can. The girls went home with my dad and Gift is asleep (we literally just walked in, and I put him in bed. He was already OUT). But, I NEED to write about my last hour or so.

We had a great homeschool co-op today. In the class I'm now "leading" we celebrated Candlemas (which falls tomorrow) with a liturgical tea which centers around the presentation of baby Jesus in the temple. We also discussed St. Brigid and Blaise since they have their feasts today and this weekend too. It went great! Lovely's class did their Lego STEM class which is totally awesome! After classes were over, the kids all headed outside to play and explore together. The moms got to socialize!

My 89 year old father (so spry in his age!!) had asked if he could come meet the kids at the playground, then take the girls back home for a sleepover. My mom was gone most of today, so this would be fun for him and not be alone (he's a fantastic day driver....perfect record!). He arrived, and we chatted and the kids showed him tricks and such. I was thinking it was actually going well....

(To clarify what I mean about "actually going well." I mean the conversation was around topics that do not dampen the spirit in any way and hijack the conversation without any chance at a do-over. This has happened since I went to college. It happened when I was in high school too, but I assumed that was just normal parenting. For the first 5 years post high school graduation, these stressful conversations centered around my violin playing and musical performance since they had spent so much time and money on me, my mother especially needed to see the passion and the payoff, the post college years were all about my teaching career, my husband's ill health, the fact he'd probably die (in my mom's eyes, which stressed my dad!) and our parenting style and my decision to keep working when they didn't want me to, which caused stress with my husband and them. The next 4 years after that focused on their concern that I now WAS staying home and we were having too many children, etc. Currently, the new focus is our financial failure and the current recovery from such. You'll need to know this later in the post, or this blog. But these topics and when/if they will pop into a conversation and hound me, haunts our time together/)

So yes, right as I thought I could relax and enjoy this time (because I don't really get a chance to ever relax and enjoy my family as a whole sice I'm waiting to go on the defensive)....my sweet father starts asking all sorts of financial questions: "Are you doing this, have you paid ____ back, etc." Now, my father is NEVER the one to hurt me. Other family members do with cutting remarks...and I know he asks to give guidance  feel connected to me or fix mistakes...but I receive it as I failed him again in his expectations and dreams for me. It kills my spirit.

What has caused me to pull away from him when I should not, is how when we hang out, we just can't hang out. He's a product of the Great Depression, and as I've aged - anytime we hang out, he has to talk about politics, economy, stress, my husband, our decisions to have a bigger family, or try to find out about the adult decisions I'm making in my life. He does this with great love, kindness, but makes me feel like a failure every time we talk, because I feel like a screw up daughter who doesn't live life in a pleasing manner to her daddy especially when many times I know he won't like my answers.

(To be clear, I have had to tell "I have this" and change the topic EACH time, and once in a family "discussion"....but the habit returns. Or, the knowledge he can't trust my answers or my family - because when you get dismissed so often, or told "Please don't worry, I'm handling this..." and then the bottom falls out...who can blame him, or my mother, etc. But yes, I have said, and repeat - especially to my mom - "this is not something we wish to discuss with you.". But...it still happens. Everytime. They are older...they are programmed. I have to learn to accept this, not feel like a constant failure. And yes, I told him today we were handling it and have our own schedule for things. He and my mother feel so "dismissed" when I do that. I feel so dishonorable doing so.) 

I'm simply the daughter who wonders how many more years she has with her daddy as he approaches his 90s and wants to savor the time with him, not feel ill, avoid, or procrastinate. I want to hang out with him and talk about my children, future children, homeschooling, what I did that week, my future plans and goals and just be in the moment with those conversation  - not have them analyzed or critiqued or morph into their agenda to ease their worries as my parents.  I miss making them excited with my plans and dreams. I just want to have a single day/time with my parents (dad especially) that does not have me crying alone when we part ways. And yes....as I drove away today, I cried. I mourn he (and my mother) spend as much time being anxious as I do in this recovery process. I mourn for myself that they never could really let me live my own life. I mourn my weakness in giving them power. I mourn a lot of things, but I mourn the time with my dad that is slipping away because I am letting it. I protect myself not going out of my way to see him more, see them more. I wistfully wish for my childhood again...the only time I felt I made them happy and stress free. But...that should not be my burden, and I'm working on it. But...I SO want to please them. I can't tell you the longing there I can't "turn off." We are only promised today, and I so want to make today count, make those around me feel a little taste of God's love and peace and light....and I crave that with my parents too, especially as the years catch up to my parents for this lifetime.

Anyways...that was my afternoon. I made it even better (SARCASM) by helping load the girls in my dad's car, putting my things down in his car as I helped Valiant with a broken jacket zipper, then realizing after our goodbyes my car and house keys were on the floorboard of my DAD'S CAR still. I tried to flag him down in the parking lot because it was an instant discovery on my part, but he was focused on driving. I tried his cell phone 6 times, txted him twice (for the sound the txts make) and then made peace with the idea he would not know until he got home and got my voice mail on their land line.  Blessedly, he found them on the floor after parking his car BEFORE unloading the girls and called me saying:

Dad: "Hey! You won't believe this, but I have your keys!"

Me: Really? Noooooo! LOL!

Dad: "We're on our way back. Why didn't you call my cell phone?"

**crickets**

HA!

He was back in 20 mins...but OH...I felt so guilty making this 89 year old drive....sigh. Strike 58,604 LOL.