Wise Words

When I write everything out - almost stream of consciousness - it's my therapy.  It always has been.  I write and write and write and then walk away feeling lighter.  It doesn't really matter what comes after - the feedback part - because my writing is rather selfish.  It's all for me.  I have always felt that writing is so much better than a conversation.  If I sat across the table from someone and spilled my guts - it puts an unspoken pressure on the other person to "say" or "do" or "fix" something.

~ Kate Leong - Chasing Rainbows. 

Blessed Reminders...

...that my life is sunny, warm, and bright:

Thank you B...so much. And these were just the "test shots"? I can't wait to see the others...but no rush. Really. I can stare at these forever. They will make fabulous Mother's Day gifts for the women in my family this weekend. I am profoundly grateful. Can't wait to babysit in return!!

Selfish

You know. I have been selfish. My husband just texted me saying he would bring home dinner (I am currently in bed....little kids napping, Lovely was last making puppets when I saw her). He's done that a lot lately for me/us because of "this" - even making basic dinners. And, that is AFTER a long day at work. 

So, please pray for him. Remind me to be grateful.  It has been been a mixed up 1.5 years and more for us.

Thanks.

Can't sleep so...maybe writing will tire me?

It's almost 5am, but I've slept little. I'm thinking I timed getting started on me (again) well, as last night/tonight I've just felt sick to my stomach like the night before a big test. I totally have random, racing thoughts, and before midnight I had to get up an get online to distract myself from feeling a threatening panic attack (had one full blown attack in college, and a 50% "almost there" one in September). I'm REALLY about done with all this.

My appointment yesterday went well. It was mostly just an assessment for the doctor to have all information next week. It was nice to talk a bit. We'll see where it goes for net week. But, if I keep feeling like this all day today...I'm calling. I would like to NOT do that, so prayers for calm, peace would be appreciated.

I've been doing a LOT around here the last few days. So, I'm more tired. We have a family event for Mother's Day/Gift's upcoming 3rd birthday at my sister's house this Saturday on my mind, and a busy Sunday. I'm already exhausted thinking about it.

My house is a wreck. Laundry is piling up, and so are the thoughts in my brain. I haven't read to my kids in a few days. Lovely has read to her siblings some, and audio books or the audio on our e-reader has been my substitute. I totally forgot Lovely had art yesterday (overlapping with my appointment) and the teacher was txting me looking for her. We've been late a LOT at preschool drop off. I can't move us along fast enough to leave on time. It's ALL me. Ugh. I have not been on my A game in a while. OH! And when dumb me decided to do some new haircuts for a Mother's day surprise (see below), Gift's TRIM became a major cut. All curls gone. I was really emotional. He's still adorable...but...he's not fully my Gift right now as I get used to it. Most likely, I'll grow it out some and see if any of the curls return. If they don't, he's now a short haired kid. If they return...you better bet he''ll be sporting a fuller head of hair! I love short hair on boys (and it wasn't like his hair was to his shoulders!!)...but I feel childhood is a flexible time - too shortlived to worry about certain details if a child is gifted with certain features that are brief in childhood - like CURLS.

But, the highlight reel of my day yesterday related to the 'Shorn Samson' my son became? A friend offered to take pictures of my children. At first, it was just a couple of head shots of Lovely and Gift to go along/mimic the outdoor school pictures of Valiant so my mom and sister could have some up to date pictures of them. Then, it grew from there. "How about in exchange for babysitting, I take a bunch more and practice my skills and use them for a possible portfolio in the future?" Ummmmm, yes please! We were there over an hour, taking pictures on their lovely (and much larger that I thought) property (well, part of it wasn't theirs, but that part it is an abandoned lot with a field). It was literally an "over the river and through the woods..." (that song in your heads now?) experience and she was awesome!!! It was a trip though. We have 6 kids between us, most very small, and I got to carry her sweet 18th month old on my hip a lot. B and I both got a workout yesterday getting these pictures made! I can't WAIT to see them! She literally got into the mud for them! One thing I thought to do was bring along Lovely's lovey...her favorite stuffed animal she sleeps with for security and plays with during the day. She's 9.5 and still loves this thing...but for how long? I decided since I never thought about doing it when she was younger, to grab a few shots with "Horsey" while we still could. We'll see if that paid off.

So...hmmmm...that's about it. Now it is 5:12, and I'm more awake than ever. I do feel better though. Maybe I can try and sleep...or read? Anyways...I wish you a GREAT day. We're going to make it a good one here! I'll just try not to get anxious about making cupcakes and side dishes to take tomorrow to my sister's,as well as framing a few of the needed shots from B's house yesterday that she'll send me today for my Mother's Day gifts while B gets the other pictures ready at a slower speed on her time (no rush for sure!). Oh..and I should have my kids make some gifts of their own for my mom and sister. And, I need to remember to be at Val's school for her to serve me Mother's Day Tea.

Just writing this makes me feel so silly...why does the above plans have me so stressed? Cupcakes? Framing? Side dishes? Oye. I sound so childish.

Again....today will be a GREAT day. Love to you all! Keep those prayers coming - Hey Zookeeper - your comment just came through. I'll be praying so hard for your request. Thanks for letting me help in some way. I'm about to do some more. Perfect timing at 5:20am. ThankYOU!

Appointment(s) set!

I've got the 2 initially needed. Pray for me the next two Thursdays! Thanks!

And seriously...how can I pray for you?!!

They called back!

Don't you love the play by play?

They called back! They will call tomorrow around 9:30am to let me know if they have any Thursday cancellations. So I am praying:

A) They do and can offer me an appointment on Thursday.

B) I can actually make that appointment happen and have child care. :)

I may start some emailing for Thursday...just in case.

They did tell me on the phone that this appointment would be with one of their therapists to evaluate and get me started, with a follow up next week with a doctor. Too bad I can't do more before before this weekend and a big family gathering...Lord give me the strength and peace! No anxiety!

Thanks for the prayers. How may I pray for you?

Much love!

Made the call.

They just need to do another call for more information. Hoping then we can get the ball rolling and a date set ASAP.

Thanks for your prayers!

Took the first big step.

I did the research and found an office/doctor I'd like to try. Tomorrow, I call.

Even though I could still feel better in 2 weeks (start of new cycle), it's time to make the call. To avoid calling because it triggers anxiety isn't helping...When napping anytime I can isn't helping...When I know I don't need more sleep... When the prayer times and confession times (because at first they helped!) and their effects dwindle and adding more overwhelms me...I need more help. I am so thankful for the vitamins I'm now taking (thanks Blair!!), but...I am still weary.

* I started realizing this as I spiraled AGAIN into insecurity, no confidence, self-doubt, anxiety and social anxiety.

* When a night out with friends where all shared the Christian faith, but the conversation flowed into how  none did Santa with their children to avoid lying to them and putting the focus on Jesus drove me, IRRATIONALLY, to extreme guilt that I lie to my kids and am damaging them. Not just about Santa - but the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy....no matter how much I know we focus on Jesus, St. Nick, and the Resurrection even more. Where these amazing women judging me? NO! NOT AT ALL. I am just not rational.

* Realizing I have not taken a joke in a few years. It's rare when I do. I can joke, I deliver wit or sarcasm, but I can't take them.

* That I am way too sensitive to comments about actions I choose to do....my own business, that others innocently comment on. It is ME, not them. They are trying to converse, challenge, joke! I should be able to banter with them. Oh, Banter! How much I miss thee!

* I am just too raw to be around people I don't want to lose.

* That I see signs of budding anxiety in one of my children. They are taking cues from me.

* Being too clingy, apologetic, and annoying as I scramble to hide my insecurities from others.

* Grieving relationships affected by me, being...me...on a bad day. Some may never recover to the level where the 'almighty me' wills them. I need to settle on being glad I have something left to enjoy....or let go of the ones lost.

* Feeling so overwhelmed by life that I am NOT living life fully, or making the corrections I need to make in my marriage, financial future, dreams, etc. because I am too overwhelmed to start, too paralyzed. Too anxious.

* Anxiety totally plays a part in worsening my learning disability (I'm not offering another excuse! I've just noticed it get really bad the last 2 years. I'm even mixing up friends's children's names if I don't see them every day. It was also terrible when teaching my co-op classes. I never really could remember which child was which. I also have to continually use my GPS to get to certain people's  - yes, friends too - homes outside a certain distance. I just can't remember the roads or route. It's embarrassing to have to explain when said friends or other notice). So, lesson learned - anxiety makes Dyscalculia worse. Which then makes my anxiety worse. "YAY!"

* Realizing that being a better Christian won't cure me, taking up my cross alone without a Simon isn't working, or that "offering it up" isn't making me a stronger disciple. At the end of it all...the more I try to be less...the more room the devil has to break me down through this chemical based, irrational weakness.

* On that subject of Simon  - I need to remember to be more conscience of the fact that they are simply "Simons" (Matthew 27:32)...not Saviors. There is only one Savior, and He already saved me. Also...the original Simon was "pressed" into service. That pressure doesn't always end well. I don't need to pressure any more Messiahs into existence, thankyouverymuch!

God has heard me cry out. He knows I've surrendered...multiple times. He has NEVER forsaken me. I simply can't hear Him because of my misfiring synapses, roller coaster hormones, environmental triggers, and/or lack of current coping skills. I see Him, I can even feel Him..but hearing Him...knowing I can "Be not Afraid" rationally, but doubting irrationally is getting old. I am also "seeing the wind" (Click Here). Life where we have a roof over our heads, good health, good family and friends, faith, and obvious vocations/purpose should not be this hard to live joyfully.

I was not created to feel this way every day. God made me to love others as He loves me. To know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in the next. This world is meant to be a gift. I need to FEEL that. "Normalcy" should not feel so heavy on my chest and shoulders.

Tomorrow is the second step. I will call and make the appointment.

Thanks for the prayers. How may I pray for you?

And just like that...!

A post is made with quotes like this:

"We may make this (being extroverted) look easy, but it's not. Many extroverts suffer from various forms of social anxiety, compounded by the knowledge that if we do or say the wrong things, if we are perceived to be thoughtless or undesirable in a social setting, we'll be unwelcome in the group. If that happens often enough, a necessary part of our psyche will starve and fail. When I walk into a roomful of people, the stakes are higher for me than they are for non-extroverts, because I *need* to be welcome there. When I walk out of a roomful of people, you can rest assured that I am rehashing every single conversation I had, going over everything I said, second-guessing every word and gesture. I am acutely aware of every mistake I made, even the ones I only imagine to have occurred. I still remember the dumb things I said or did long after everyone else has forgotten them. I can recall social faux pas as far back as middle school, and though by and large I've stopped beating myself up for things, the ghosts still paralyze me sometimes."

Some of it reads like an excuse - and I think all of us should try to overcome temptations and flaws - not give excuses, but it was a good read (and yes...introverts can be the same way too, I'm sure. I need some good introvert articles lol).

Read more here - The Care and Feeding of Your Extrovert

I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!