Big Day!

 **Well, hmmm. I should note that for us PROFESSIONALLY, the below comments about our therapist did not last. We were not a match past first impressions sadly, as recorded below. :( **


Can I get an AMEN??!! Today we had our first marriage counseling appointment!!!!

Things changed from this post. I chalk it up to prayers, a great support network in the friends we have, and of course - God. But the day after I poured out my heart in that post, I went to my sister's home to enjoy some time with her and our kids together. I received a text from Hubby that he had made the call himself to the therapist that was recommended to us. I was overjoyed!!

So, we went today and will be going weekly. It went so well today. It was, of course, the "get to know us and the issues" meeting - but there was an instant connection with each other. I'll call her Dr. S. She was warm, caring, knowledgeable, yet challenging. She went deep into our pasts and looked at family relationships and other things that would have an impact on us today, and asked us both to share about the situation or things that led us to therapy. Just covering those two topics alone I think gave her great insight to how we got to this point! HA! It is amazing how much one's parent(s) can impact your life. It scares me to think what kind of parent I am. Do I match up with what I aim to be - what I think I am? And, while we all are told in pre-marital counseling how much finances impact relationships, I think sometimes some of us are more naive to that point than others.....ahem. *wink.

The other great thing is that she works with Catholic Charities - so she holds similar values. She would never force those values on anyone (she is so nice, that if we continue to like her and our sessions, I'll recommend her to anyone I know having issues. She is paid on a sliding scale which helps so much!). That said, it helped the connection I think in her understanding where we were coming from. I don't get that as much with the "through our insurance" therapist I am seeing personally until the end of this year.

So - it was a BIG day! I came home more hopeful and happy than I have been in WEEKS.We have homework to do before our next session, which is great. Between her, our financial whiz, and some helpful friends, we have a great map for the road ahead. Keep praying for us!!

To that end - want to try something with me? I'm a bit late on posting this as we will start this today (Monday), but I want to try a novena to pray for our situation. The Novena to St. Jude fit the bill. It gives Hubby and I something concrete to pray together on. Also, we are collecting intentions we can pray for in addition to our own - whatever we can do to pay it forward. If you want to list your prayer intentions or email me (see sidebar), please do!


If you want join us - our prayer intentions are:
1) Complete healing to our marriage as we start this counseling and hard work to get back to "us".
2) Peace in dealing with our families as they struggle to accept what is.
3) Clarity in what we are to do housing wise long term - what is best for our family?

Thanks so much. Thanks for joining me on this journey of hope!

Advent 2011

Blessed Advent!!!

Advent has started and with it, a renewed focus on faith, words of hope, and promise of a Savior. I have felt all those things, and AMEN to that!!

My family went to church separately, due to illnesses and such, so Lovely went later in the evening with her dad to the cathedral. Here she is, in the outfit she picked out because it was the color of the season lol! I love it! She's holding her new Mass booklet too before she heads out of her room.

 

Nothing can renew one's faith than seeing the faith, and love of that faith, of a child!

Our Advent plans include Advent Adventures, a children's liturgical tea with a dear friend and her family and friends, and the wonderful family and church traditions such as the Advent wreath, Jesse tree, books, bible stories, church penance service, movies, and TV specials. Our home will be filled with preparation, meditation, prayer, and JOY.

What are your plans this Advent?

Much love!!!

Happy Thanksgiving!!!!

Happy Thanksgiving Dear, Dear Ones!

Instead of leaving the below post up here first, I wanted to leave something a little more positive. If you can watch this seconds long clip, please do. It explains how I feel this Thanksgiving Day and my family - despite all of our broken, flawed chaos of late:



We are still good. We feel small, but we know we are not. We are flawed, broken, but still good. God IS good, and we know He made us and has us in His hands, so we will better than good again. I LOVE my family. We won't leave anyone behind. Our marriage vows will not be forgotten. OHANA!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!
Much love to you and yours!  
OHANA!

Thanksgiving...

Well, I've fallen behind here some. Honestly - it is a mix of being really busy, trying to make sure we are doing what we are supposed to be doing to rebuild (in the evening when the kids go to bed - we have a friend guiding us with some steps to make until we can get professional help), home schooling, and spending some time with family.

On the marriage front - well, we are struggling. Well, I am. I know he is so sorry for how things happened, and how things are now with how we are living day to day, but from what I've asked and gathered from his answers, he isn't feeling the pain and loneliness I am feeling. I can't speak for him though. I know he must be feeling a million different things, and he's never been the talker I am. But, each day I find myself more down. The time change has not helped me at all. Darkness at 5:30pm? Not helping my soul. I'm VERY sad. Very depressed about the lack of improvement, and very tired. I am praying though. I know once progress is made things WILL be better, so I'm holding out.

We need marriage counseling. He wants to wait for January when it is covered by insurance. I wanted it two months ago - willing to pay anything. So, things are at a standstill. He obviously feels waiting will be ok - I feel it is crushing me. It's really hard to see eye to eye. I see therapy as an investment in us. So, please keep praying for us. Also - please don't judge him. We are good people stuck in a bad cycle. Just keep praying for him especially and for me. I really mourn the loss of respect and love he no longer has in our family circles (parents, siblings, etc), and that adds to my personal stress and sadness.

On the foreclosure side of things - things are looking up. The house appears to have been sold at auction already, is now on the market by that person/group, and the 30 days passed where the bank could have come after us for the remainder. Obviously, they wrote us off. Also, thanks to the digging and help from friends - it appears we will not get taxed on what was owed. The bad economy and foreclosures everywhere have changed tax laws through 2013. So, we are blessed there too. Now we just have to pay back past debt that accrued and some past bills affected by Hubby's health and lack of paycheck.

How am I doing? Well - still waiting for my therapist to have an opening. I'm scheduled for next week...but nothing sooner has opened. I'm losing confidence in myself, staying strong for us all in the barrage of opinions and comments about hubby and our situation. I feel as if I am letting everyone down, and myself down. I feel I am letting my kids down. I am in a weird place faith wise - I  KNOW God is HERE, carrying me - yet I feel so lonely. I know He is working His plan, but I feel so empty. It's so weird. I'm not questioning God at all, but I feel so depressed. I have been craving Advent to start, yet have very little energy to jump into the graces that come with Advent. I so need this time for my soul though, and I know joy in the season will come to me.

On the upside - I've spent some time with my sister. I love her! She is so kind. She also took me to get my hair cut/styled, and new clothes. So...here is the new me....(honestly, I needed it. With clothes lost in storage, and me not really doing anything with my face and hair - this was a needed boost to encourage me to take care of the life God gave me. It's so easy to wallow without even realizing it!).

That is the Holy Spirit smiling for me....totally. God gifted me the grace to smile in my crosses my whole life. I'm so grateful - I just wish my spirit matched my smile. But, this week is Thanksgiving, and I have so much to be grateful for.

So, I choose to close this post joyfully. I won't let this world steal joy from me. We are off from school this week, which ROCKS! I can enjoy family time, and a meal on Thanksgiving Day at my parents retirement center we don't have to cook. I have a PJ lazy day scheduled for Friday. I will ready my home for Advent this weekend. God is GOOD and this cup shall pass. I will embrace this week before it is gone, and back to the grind of schedules.

Writing that paragraph made me feel a little better. On that note - I wish you all reading a HAPPY THANKSGIVING and much love and joy to your family. I have so much gratitude in my heart for my family, and yours. Love, love, LOVE!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!

Potential

In all this STRESS, in all this pain, in all this anger, in all this WORK - one can easily forget one thing: POTENTIAL.

Once Hubby and I really, and I mean, REALLY work hard on our rebuilding and healing, we have the POTENTIAL to be stronger than ever, and create a foundation and habit of continued strength. What hope, what a goal.

Potential. What a redeeming idea in tough times.

I just need to remember it, and cling to it. It was my commission, was it not? All our ours.

How do you live up to your potential in tough or lean times?

How does it work?

Hey Readers out there!

I am trying to learn about the situation we are in. What do you know about foreclosures? What happens after one has to vacate? What does the bank do now? What happens when the property sells? What part have we still to play?

I am looking things up and being told things...some scary, much confusing. I would love your knowledge!

Thanks!

Surely Goodness and Mercy Shall Follow Me...

Well, today was a surprising day. Good in all the needed worldly ways!

While emotionally we are rebuilding, we could meet with our financial guy now that pay is finally starting to come in (yay paycheck in mail!) And....we are surprisingly good.

Our guy (very qualified) was actually impressed (as one can be in a foreclosure situation). The house seemed to be the "problem" with its age, needed repairs, utilities mounting up, rising taxes and falling value, and Hubby's emergency surgery last month. BUT, as long as we live small for a while, maybe me babysit or tutor some, and increasing our music gigs, we should be fine paying our bills and living and saving. We have no car payments, no school loans, and Hubby's credit card debt is small compared to other similar situations (and accumalated trying to save house only). Our guy was actually surprised for us all and figured Hubby's credit cards would be paid off in 2-3 years. I was shocked. I expected I needed to teach full time again with the kids in daycare and school like "yesterday" and Hubby was scared he had ruined us. Dear Lord, economics is a weird thing. Oh, but God IS good!

I think we will stay put in our condo for a year - more on this after we meet more in Dec with our guy to be sure and discuss pros and cons and a plan for the future - but its rent is what is saving us and will get us ahead, and we prefer our family structure over a fast track to a large space both of us have to support with daycare costs. I do want a yard again.....just for the kids. But we will pray about that. Oh yeah...one more bedroom for the baby too - ha! But presently, it works well enough. Bring on the savings!

I will note - I will work full time if needed and daycare can be covered. For now, there is no rush (which surprises me) to do that route.

Also, for all my anger at Hubby for hiding this and the failure of it all - it was stated tonight while his methods were not good - he managed to keep the debt down shouldering/hiding this from everyone, and really helped us be in this position after the fallout. So, I guess I need to cough up some understanding and grant some mercy....as mercy has been given to me and my kids, and Hubby too.

I also need to admit what I have done too. This is a two way street.
Sleep will help...so off I go. Thank you for the prayers, support, food, and love!

Thank GOD that Hubby has a job! Amen!! 

Facing My Giants

It does take two to steer a relationship, and I am learning more every day I need to stop avoiding and start facing my giants.

I think after our meeting tonight, my husband could be starting to face his too.

Keep praying for me. For us.

Authentic

Thank you to those reading, and offering prayers. Oh - you have no idea how much it helps. Look at the miracles coming our way (see below posts)?!! WOW!

I wanted to say, I want to be as real as is respectful to my family and my marriage, since this is a public blog. As much as I can be, I DO want to be real and authentic with my feelings. Even with my strong faith, my love of marriage, and my belief in marriage vows, the solace that faith gives me, and knowing God has me and my family in His hands, there is still much to process, feel, and say. It is like spiritually, my trust in God is stronger than ever, but my place in this fallen world and its responsibilities are pulling me into an epic battle. My life has become dual: spiritual life - strong, worldly life - struggling.

I cling to Christ as REDEEMER. He who redeems fallen things. Bad things happen in this world because it fell. Christ continues to redeem what happens in this life. It will only be truly good in the next life. But here on earth, this situation will be redeemed. I am excited to blog what I pray and believe will be a success story. Life in a faithful marriage isn't always rosy, tea parties, and date nights.

I wonder if we writers share enough of the true struggles we face in our families and marriages? It isn't pretty to do so, easy, or pleasant. It can open one up to a lot of judgement too. Yes, we ARE blessed, but it takes work, pain, and tears to manage those blessings. Failure too.

The journey after a fall is a slow one. There will be MANY more stumbles, weak moments, vanity, and pride to overcome. Thank you for letting me raw and authentic here, as well as hopeful and faithful. I am a woman of two sides, and this blog can not always be a field with you on the other side of the fence thinking my grass is always greener. Mine is pretty rutted and weed choked at present.

Better seasons of green are coming. I just have to work my way there. First I have to break my back plowing before there is ever hope of a harvest.

Thanks for your amazing prayers and joining me on the journey!

Crying God

If you are in a free fall, you can get caught if you trust.

The next official pay day is the 23rd. Disability/HR is moving slow.

We had, as of today, $75 to our name.

We've lost some services because we can't pay. Blessedly we have a stocked pantry due to the love and generosity of our homeschool co-op (oh! To pay this all forward....amen I will! God sweeps in everytime I am falling, as do other friends...God's hands and feet..)

I was in a panic, and since Hubby is finally better, I decided I could arrange being a babysitter around his schedule. Blessedly, I got some sits - but not till late this week. With gas, two cars, and milk....how long would it last before crying uncle? Well...why not just cry "God!?"
 
Today was a struggle. But as I felt like I was falling, something stopped me short of rock bottom. It came in two forms : a warm dinner to feed us, and an amazing monatary donor in honor of her fallen soldier son. I am not sure I had the words...what do I say to that gift? Doesn't she need the help herself? I bawled. These events are not rewards, but pure blessings. We have such responsibility to succeed and pay forward.

Thanks to her, other dear friends, past gifts of grocery cards and meals and so many prayers, God carries us.  As of today, the Lord's day, we can get through the week and hopeful disability pay arrival. It narrows the gap to the 23rd. I was falling, and God caught me. Caught us.

Hubby's church job also paid him today, early - that NEVER happens. But it did the weekend and Sunday we needed it. Coincidence? Nope.

I can focus on my marriage this way...more sharply focused.

Don't cry uncle. Cry God. Don't sabatoge yourself. Those are this weekend's lessons.

Much love!

Yen and Yang

So, even with lots of hope and faith - this flawed world of mine can just stink. Today was a really cruddy day.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart.

Goodnight.

From a friend...

I got a response to my post from the day before yesterday from someone completely dear to my heart. It was sent to me versus posted, so it started a conversation. I was sharing that I was grateful I could be real and process my feelings while still trying to be respectful to my husband's feelings and I told her I was worried that blogging about our story would color him badly - because he is a good guy who made a big mistake, and I had my own role in that too.

She said something in response to my concern (remember how I wrote everyone has been so compassionate to my husband that knows the real story) that made me cry, and something she told me to really think about and tell my husband. It was:

"But ViolinMama, let me tell you... I know he is good because of you. Because of how you speak of him and love him. Let that sink in, because that should speak volumes for both of you."

I am speechless over both the generosity of that statement, and the truth in it. It is also such a helpful statement because when judgement or resentment want to creep in - it reminds me how good we ALL are, because God loves us. He forgives us every time we screw up. I am good because God is good. My husband is good because God loves him. I need to remember that when I let the hurt well up, and know that he, and myself, are more than our errors. 

The challenge is to keep going and make a change...commit to change. It is one thing to say "I can do better and I will do better." - it is another thing to live out the doing. That is where he is now, and me too.

Thank you, dear, wise, friend. I am good because of you too. All of you. I wish you a GOOD day today. 

Much love....humbly.

Something Upbeat

How bout a little recap from the last few months?

September gave us an 8 year old!!! Lovely, my original baby, grew another year older!! She wanted "arrrgh-uably" the most fun of birthday parties - A Pirate Party at a local playground with a pirate theme.

Complete with as many close friends who were able to come - some from a state away!

 

A fine spread of yummy snacks and treasure map cake!!

A happy little brother....

and a little sister and good friends to share the feast....

Make a wish!!!

Eat some cake...(or, a LOT of cake...)

Even Mommy got to see friends...

And Lovely got her birthday wish...

Teddy the Hamster!!! Welcome to the family!!!

This was such a high point of September. Dearest Lovely, we adore you. Simply. Your giggles, smile, generous spirit, sweet innocence, love of faith, and imagination make our days complete. We love you, and thank God for you every day.

Isn't she Lovely? :)

NaBloPoMo

Well - it is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). It is when many bloggers attempt to post every day (posts or pictures, or both) in celebration of the creation of blogs! As you can tell, I have not been around much since school started, and then our move and my husband's sickness. So, I am hoping to try and do something every day so I keep a family record, and get back in the habit. Plus, writing is great when you are processing things!

We are finally passed survival mode. We are settling into our new life, but wow - there is so much debt with it along with all the emotional fall out. With my Hubby getting sick and having emergency surgery, we had to go on disability which has been slow to pay. It just mounts up and gets us further behind.  All I will say here, with HIS permission - is while there are things that hindsight has proven 20/20, and things I sensed or felt, or things I should have done - my husband did a very good job protecting me and the family from the sadness and fear of foreclosure. Especially since I do much of the daily finances. While he was trying to protect us, and handle the burden alone for his young family, the fall out from all this is that my marriage has much healing to do. Losing everything material in this world can affect relationships more than I ever dreamed it would, and more than I ever thought it SHOULD. Couple that with the realization we were not functioning as a team, I was kept in the dark, and he used smoke and mirrors when I suspected "something" was up, and I feel completely knocked down, lonely, and betrayed.

What I thought was a small cooling in our marriage (10 years - normal, I thought, for the "newness" to wear off with young kids. pregnancies, and babies and totally common) the last few years that led to more effort to get on dates, be together, etc - more effort than I thought should have been there - is attributed to him being weighed down by his stress and secret battles to keep us housed. He was distracted, tired, worried, and pulled away, in his reasoning, to protect me from what was going on. I have MUCH compassion for him to have carried such a burden, but I'm struggling with the weight of the lies.

That said, again, with his permission, there is a silver lining. One, I know (and will seek to find out how exactly) I was part of this problem. My issues with anxiety I know stemmed from what I sensed going on in our home (that I attributed to general anxiety coupled with PPD) could have made me seem a weak partner - one he assumed he could not tell or I would fly off the handle, etc. I need to take responsibility for not following up more on my feelings. I wanted to be a homeschooling mom, and willing to do anything to make that happen - but I should have questioned our budget more, called more numbers to check on anything I wondered about, etc. I should have branched out in my roles and been more aware of things. You can now bet I'm making sure we are a team now to figure out this mess we are in - even more of the boss of this train than partner (is that good, or bad?). I need to make sure our kids are safe and our family has a place to land on our feet and call a home as we figure things out. I have to make sure we can pay off our debts, rent, and other items that racked up before, and after, the move.  Because I can admit I was part of the problem, I am committed to figuring out how to improve myself as a partner so he doesn't feel like he has to hide things from me.  Obviously, he has a host of things to work on too!

I mentioned above there is more of a silver lining. Well - that is our faith and commitment. We took vows in 2001 that we take seriously. We may have been flawed when making them, and are flawed living them out daily - but we won't walk away from them. We will battle this through. We will work together, start couples therapy, and own up to our situation. While I have great compassion for what my husband felt, I have lots to process and forgive. I don't forgive easily...it is a daily thing for me to let go, and not let resentment take hold. It's easy for me right now to play the blame game. I need to remember to remove the log in my eye before hassling about the speck in another's eye. That is VERY easy to type, and a whole other thing to live. Also, there is a fine line I have to find between holding one accountable for what has happened so it won't happen again, and moving forward. I will need help figuring that out, and will get help to figure that out.

We are blessed with so much in this situation - especially with family and friends. Everyone has been so giving to my husband, gracious, loving, accepting, and supportive. What a gift! And, where do I start in how people have supported me and the kids? Wow. That is more for another day.

I don't know how people survive life's low moments without faith. In all the BAD and SAD of the past few months, there is so much GOD. He provided friends to assist me THE MOMENT my world collapsed, to provide a condo to rent, to still love us, pack us, move us, feed us, give to us, clothe us, and listen to me....God is in every moment, and I see Him REDEEMING this situation. I still say "Why NOT us?" Instead of "Why me??!" in the tough moments. God is showing His love, and is with us every step of the way. God IS Good. I wish all people could see God in the bad - what comfort there is when you can feel and see that grace.

Well, this rambled. I'm sure I'll be rambling a lot this month and beyond. I am sure my feelings and perspective will change - one step forward, 3 steps back. But, to close - Much love, Happy November, and I'm grateful this month for so much - I'm glad it is the month of Thanksgiving.

P.S. - For a dose of CUTE - see the below entry!!

Much love!!!

Halloween Recap

Well, Happy Belated Halloween, but Happy All Souls Day!!

I proudly present our family's Two Princesses and a Frog:

 

We have Princess Cinderella, Princess Rapunzel (after her hair was cut off) and our Frog Prince

And, of COURSE princesses need to kiss their frog.....even if for some reason the fairy tale changed, and the frog was resistant...

Still....so CUTE!!

The kids had a blast. We went back to our old neighborhood to trick or treat with our close friends. We even parked in our old driveway! The kids had a blast being together with their friends, and still were happy to come back home to our condo and be excited to enjoy our traditional family night on Halloween - homemade pizza, breadsticks, some trick or treating loot, and Halloween TV specials. It was a great, GREAT evening. Our family really needed a FUN, stress free evening.

I love our children....so much. What gifts from God they are!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!