Little House On The Hill

So...it's been a while since I blogged. The post below this one is an interesting one to reread. There are a great many things that still ring true that I wrote last December. A few things for the better, and a few for the "same". But, I'll get to that in another post. First, let me talk about the above picture. It's a house on a hill. It's blue. It's one story. It's 3 bedrooms. It has character. It has a magical backyard. It has fruit, veggies, and herbs growing all around the property. It is on a cul-de-sac with children, and many of them attend our church. It is our new home. 

See? we got the keys!!! God is SO GOOD!

I know, right? It's not real to me yet either.



We moved in two weeks ago tomorrow. We still have boxes EVERYWHERE, but managed to unpack enough to host a 4th of July gathering for our cul-de-sac. It awoke a place in me that was dormant for 2.5 years and I forgot even mattered to me  - having a full house, and one full of love. I'm not a Pinterest entertainer (wish I was), but I have an open door and a patio. I've learned that is about all you need.

This is not our home. We're renters. But, it's more than that. It is God's home. It's a home God put in His will long before we lost our old home. Long before we knew we would need the condo of good friends to shelter us. He knew what was coming as he kept us from rushing from the condo, even when many wondered why we would stay and save. He somehow found the "pause" button on our hearts when we felt any well meaning pressure to move from others OR from ourselves or any other type of motivators. We finally knew we were close to ready this past February. We started looking in May, and even applied and were told we were selected for a house. Hubby was the strong one in waiting because it "just wasn't right." We both agreed something was missing.  It was 4 bedrooms, and bigger, but had many cons (though I was trying to be Pollyanna, because I was concerned the rent amount was a blessing and God was trying to tell us something. He was, just not "yes" to that house). Hubby saved us from probably COPD (lol) and asthma, and got us back in line with the PLAN! haha! That was pretty neat for him, and for me that his wisdom led us to wait and search longer. That's because...God has THIS house in mind (and wanted to give Hubby a voice I think after how we lost the house)....and we realized in the process of getting this house that what was missing from our last selection process was God. He just was not in the details. But, THIS house? Oh my. Yes. God was seen and felt everywhere. 

This house is a balm. It is near people we know. It is on a safe, non-through street. It's peaceful. The story of our landlords and all the people in our lives that know them is incredible.  It will have to be another post. There is just no way this is not God's house with God willing out every detail. 

It has fruit growing all over the place, an herb garden and a fall garden to prepare....

Our Herb Garden on side of house.

Apples!

Check out that moth!!!! Eww? Still...RASPBERRIES! 

Strawberries!

Blueberries

Along with fruit to pick, the backyard enchants with a playhouse:

And a swing set, slide/fort wonder...

Someone stole the chip bag and found a safe place to snack 

As we moved in, I found a clear message from God for my family in the old wood floors:

God and this house give me old, cozy character along with the floors, such as a built in library, and a curved brick fireplace. More than we deserve!

We truly have a  place to hang our hats, and place our old furniture (and hold Guinea Pigs  - "Peanut")...

...and NEW kittens to cuddle with (our first night in the house, on air mattresses, lol). This is Cozy, named from the clamor when we found it and its litter as tiny babies on our 2nd floor condo balcony a month or so ago, with "I want to hold the cozy (fluffy) one!" We think it is a girl, so we call it "CoCo" a lot too, lol!

Lovely sleeping on the floor in her room.

The young ones slept with me in the master bedroom. Hubby slept back at the condo with our stuff.

I was so thankful for VBS where they had sent their T-shirts early as uniforms the next morning. I didn't have to search for clothes!

I did manage to unpack and set up the guest/kids bath for our 4th of July potluck dinner. That was fun!

But PLENTY more "helpful" boxes like these await in my home. HA!!!!!!

front of.....where? 

I could share pics all night, but we'll circle this back to the 4th of July! I'll leave you with these next few pics of patriotism created by my precious kids for this wonderful weekend:

HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY, and may you see God's blessings easily in the coming week! 

Much love!!!

Checking in, thanks to insomnia...

Tonight I went to bed at 8:30pm. I then got a massive sinus headache, and tossed and turned for a few hours. I read blogs for the FIRST time in months. Then, I finally gave up, gotten out of bed, and I've come blurry eyed to my blog to check in.

So...pull up a cup of tea perhaps?

Picture from right after I got home from work. One of my "new" thrift store china cups.

Face it, tea or coffee or hot cocoa just taste better in some sort of delicate china! Right? You know it.

First - Happy Advent to you!!!! 

Next...STOP reading. Go RIGHT now to the comment section. UPDATE ME PLEASE on yourselves. Are you still there? Am I still on a blog roll? I will be honest, I have not read any blogs since July until a quick skim tonight. My last post was in September. Who is pregnant? Who had a baby? Who faced a crisis I didn't pray for you through? Who has celebrations? Connect with me over that tea.

Ok, now that you've done that....what have I been doing?

1. I have been teaching middle school. I will start with the fact that I love it. I will add that I also struggle with it. 
2. Middle school is a much better fit for me than high school - at least with the time I have with my family to devote to the vocation that it is. The school is a fabulous fit for me. My classes are TINY, the school is TINY, and for a girl who thrives on personal connection with the people around her to a FAULT, God has me in the right place. God is good ALL the time.
3. I'm inspired by the school and my students. I want to do an amazing job for them.
4. I'm amazed this school was started by 2 moms with no experience in schooling aside from homeschooling a little when their county let them down in public school.
5. It's a privilege to work there. I'm very much a 1st year teacher again, making mistakes, feeling pressure to be better...but it is not the same stress of perfectionism I had at my high school post. I struggle with feeling like I'm not the person they interviewed. Being a 1st year teaching again at the middle school level and its learning curve has thrown me. 
6. I miss that I'm not at a Catholic school.
7. I'm grateful for a school of REALLY good and moral people. We're diverse, but the same in many ways. It's a safe place for my kids to be, and we just carry Jesus every where we go ourselves.
8. I am so grateful to sleep at night again with the peace of bringing in some extra income/savings.
9. I'm still not sleeping enough because of lesson planning, ha! But, the quality of sleep is better than the quantity I had before in naps and sleep before with my anxiety and depression.
10. That said, I've shed many a tear this semester - at school, and at home over teaching. It's been better since September/October.
11. This school, if we have to attend school and me work to help our family, is a great match for Lovely so far in 4th grade, and the school next door is FANTASTIC for the younger kids. A blessing!
12. I miss homeschooling.
13. I detest homework. 
14. Hubby misses homeschooling.
15. But, I'm not a depressed mom, only doing the basics outside of co-op on our school days. So...my kids are getting a better education currently. 3rd grade for Lovely was ROUGH. 
16. I'm still battling depression and anxiety. 
17. I have yo-yo-ed in my weight loss. Recently I've gained back to where I was when I started. Awesome. It sucks. But, I'm getting back on track this week.
18. I'm working on getting the right dosage AND the right therapy for me. Still, I'm really tired of the duality I live - when with loved ones or friends - I am happy. When not distracted - I'm anxious, down, and get tempted to think "When we move, I'll be better. Next weekend I'll be a better mom. Next summer will be better. I'll do more faith traditions and crafts next year/feast/season." Damn it....why am I living in the future? God has been so faithful. We all are HEALTHY. My children are HEALTHY. We're stable. When I catch myself procrastinating motherhood, wifehood, bedtime stories, bedtime prayers, family nights, feast days etc, I want to slap my cheek and say "When one of the kids gets very sick, or Hubby, and you are constantly 24/7 in caretaking mode, you will rue the day you took the present for granted." It works for a little while...till I slide. My battles rise and fall with my cycle for sure. It's a balance to take the right herbs or vitamins at the right time, or the right medication for my hormones. But...we're getting there. I'm learning to "turn the other cheek" on myself and be more forgiving instead of slapping myself. It's a process, when I feel the last 2 years has been a fog and I wonder what price my family is paying. 
19. One of the best cures for me, is cleaning my condo. When it is clean, I am sane. It got bad the 12 weeks of school before break. But, last week provided some major purging time. AMEN!! I LOVE Pinterest, and I feel intimidated and weighed down by Pinterest too. Then, I remember I'm the one who lets it inspire or drown me. So, I choose to mostly succeed at letting it inspire. 
20. I miss running. I'm good if I get out 2-3 times a week. Working on more. I did a 5k race a few weeks back - and I ran it in 38 mins! Not too shabby for poor training! Lovely needs more running too.
21. I have started weekly Adoration. In the last few weeks when I go on Tuesday evenings, it is a powerful balm for my soul. I've been going for a month or more, and everything is better with work, marriage, my struggles, etc. That's no coincidence. I know Jesus is everywhere, and I breathe my conversations to him 18 hours a day it feels like, but the opportunity of Adoration? Physically centered on Him? Powerful. 
22. The kids are thriving. Lovely will mention she misses homeschooling because it is harder, but doesn't want to leave her school. It's been great for her confidence and social skills. Gift and Valiant are vibrant and amazing. Like I said...God has us where He wants us for now. The peace I have from that clarity is priceless and about the only peace I have these days aside from a nice break from financial strains.
23. I miss our church co-op and friends. I need a night out with them soon. 
24. Working has sadly limited us from seeing our extended family more, but there is an odd peace that comes with that. Still some stress - but, we'll take the bigger gaps in between drama. If I think too much, I get sad because I think for one member of my family, they see the school Lovely and I attend and work in as a step up from homeschooling, and a status symbol with its zipcode. But, one can't dwell on that.
25. My father turned 90 in October. My mother is almost 77. I try to savor how healthy and active they are, and how much they love their grandchildren and still offer sleep overs, carpools, and come to any event at either school. How many parents do that for their family? I am so blessed. 
26. My marriage is always strengthening. Some days there are steps back, but we make a few forward as well. The Holy Spirit provides the nourishing air we need, God provides direction, and Jesus exemplifies the sacrifice and redemption that comes with sticking to our vows. I'm so grateful for where we are. 
27. I am thankful for my "Christ Renews His Parish" woman's group. It is a blessing to my week with its weekly meetings, scripture, and prayer. 
28. Since I last posted, Lovely turned 10 (WHAT??!), my father turned 90 (see #25), we had family pictures done (not posted yet lol - and I'm sad to say it took so long to get pic done, because I had made them a weight loss goal. A goal never met - but I could not keep putting off pictures!), gone used van shopping (nothing purchased yet), and wore PJs through the whole of Thanksgiving break. We've done hiking, we've gone to museums, we are blessed to be together.
29. No new baby yet. Praying, always praying....but...that leads me to #30...
30. Did you update me about your life in the comments? Yes, you. Any new babies? Successes? Stumbles? How is homeschooling going? How is school going? 

Ok...I should try to sleep. I'm hoping to do some Advent season posts in the future. Maybe I'll start blogging again in list form? I stopped blogging because I felt like I was being too honest here (so it was depressing and narcissistic) AND that it started to feel like a burden. Writing should be freeing. But, I miss my diary...our daily family record. I hope to get back to being here again. Maybe I'll do some memes and meet some new readers? Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. DAMN...enough with the chocolates. That's my problem....unhealthy food focus...BAHAHAH!

God Bless!!  

P.S. Everyone has been posting about Advent traditions. Here is one of mine - embracing the liturgical color of the season. Totally appropriate, right? I did this Saturday, for the 1st Sunday of Advent - HOPE!

And as always...the statue I love, every Advent in our sanctuary on the altar....

How laughter is my best medicine...

How God has blessed me with this spouse....

Hubby and I before a wedding last week.

 And together this family blesses me daily....

Thanksgiving Day - before dinner with the whole family.

Happy Advent!!!!

I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!

Weekend Catchup - and about our home...

I can't begin to say thank you for the comments, emails, calls, or txts about my hard week and my posts last week. Thank you. I enjoyed praying for you as well. I can tell you I felt those prayers for hours on Friday and they got me through the day. Being SO busy Saturday helped distract me, and today's endorphins from my 1st 10K run EVER really helped me!!!!!!!  God has been faithful and good to me.

I wanted to quickly clarify something. I do agree we should not move too soon. I actually prefer waiting, saving, etc. What I can't really elaborate on is the personal struggle on why I don't want to stay HERE for too long. Our condo is a total BLESSING, but there are a few personal reasons for being conflicted after a 1 1/2 year stay that I can't blog about. I was concerned my post sounded snobbish (and rereading it, it looks that way...that I'm "done" with living in a little condo with no yard). I honestly could living in another little apartment or condo...no yard...if it was a place where we could wander about outside. I just long for a place where outside play is a possibility. That's about all I can say. That just clarifies my "yard" wish. I should have said "outside space".

I fully support my husband in this pause and possible change of plans. Do I have concerns that he's also making decisions because he is scared of future stumbles....? Kinda, (and he knows this) and that was where my post was coming from. And being stuck for a long time where we are with my private concerns elicited an emotional reaction from me.  That and just anxiety, plain and simple, clouding my mind and decision making. We are quite a married pair! :)

I can't tell you how blogging and asking for prayer helped my anxiety, and I loved learning from Blair about the great NFP recommended vitamin. I'm still discerning seeking more medication (I just need to DO it - call and learn more. I was on a roll, then  fell off that wagon), but not bottling up helped. The other thing that helped on Friday was getting the children and I out for a picnic lunch in the gorgeous sunshine and climate. We went to a local small nature park (near our community garden) and it was the balm I needed on top of all the prayers. As my dear S told me....I'm a sunflower. I can't be kept in doors! It helped this wilted spirit for sure! I thank my Small Steps for Catholic Mothers Lenten Prompts for getting me outside.  

It was gorgeous outside!

Can you spot my 3 blessings? 

Then Lovely had a sleepover and the younger two went with me to play with their Godsister while I babysat her and her little twin brother and sister. Perfect evening for outside play! 

Then today...I ran my first 10k!!! What a blessing of endorphins. I've been getting back to running, with Lovely, thanks to my dear Kris (we run with our two 3rd graders during the week) and my dear J, my Goddaughter's mommy, who made us sign up for this race and with whom I run with on weekends. It's been a blessing. Today we did it...J's and my first 10k! We ran with another high school friend and the wife of a teacher at the high school. Being so close to St. Patrick's Day, the race was top o the green :)

I finished in 1:15:58. I was really pumped! The urban view of the race was really lovely....such a contrast to my normal love of nature:

Taken running over an overpass, cleared for runners.

A really funny story from this morning before the run. J and I planned to have me meet at her house at 7:15am. With the "springing ahead" - I had my husband set his alarm along with mine for 6:30am (as a backup since we both use cell phones as our clocks and I didn't know if they both would auto update during the night). I think Hubs accidentally messed with his to help it along, and this morning, it was the only alarm that went off. I woke up to him hitting me (mostly in his sleep LOL!) saying I needed to get up, my cell never rang. So, on auto pilot, I got ready and left. I noticed the dash clock said 4:55am. I started to think...wait...that would mean it is 5:55am??? So I'm heading to J's at 6am, not 7am??!!!!!!!! WHAT???!! It was hysterical to me that I got up at 4:30am for an 8:30am race. Goodness! And, as I waited in my car outside J's house (all dark as they were asleep), my alarm went off at 6:30am as needed. GAH!! LOL Gotta love a good laugh!

Afterwards, I was graced by a well earned nap, more Alleve (ha!), evening Mass, and then this YUMMY dinner celebrating the SUN STILL BEING OUT!!

A hummas and veggie sandwich on seven grain bread with fruit. So freaking delicious!!! The colors made me happy too. I am that social networker who takes pics of my food. HA!

Ok, I need to get to bed. Bootcamp at 5:45am, and then a full day of homeschooling. I need my rest. I was feeling anxious again this evening, but simply recapping my day has helped. PLEASE pray for me, and please post how I can pray for you. I need to focus on others.

Blessing!!! Enjoy the birth of Spring!