I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!

Am I in a season I need to slap myself out of?

Ok, I've been reading blogs lately that are the inspirational ones...Ann Voskamp, Kelle Hampton, among the stand outs - where they all are dressed so perfectly, have such peace, and just savor every touch, breath, moment, sigh, laugh, cry, and even fear.

I can be like that too. Often.

But lately?

Am I simply in a season that I should embrace, or should I slap myself out of it. Because while Kelle writes: "A few nights ago, I lay down with Lainey and rubbed her back as she fell asleep. With our bodies sidled up against each other and her head nestled into my neck, we talked about the things we talk about at night—school, upcoming events, funny things that happened during the course of our day..."

All I could think of was how I can't wait to have my kids actually STAY in bed and get out of their room and breathe. I'm not rubbing backs at the end of the day in an extended form, I'm not snuggling close.  I'm barely reading a few books to them, praying with them, tucking them in, and RUNNING out of the room for a drink, a book, or mindless TV. And bless their hearts if they try and sneak out. I'm not lovingly guiding them back to their room.

Sigh.

Ok...back to mindless and escapist "Grey's Anatomy." I wonder if the super grateful, sunny, ethereal bloggers watch TV?

It's been real. Pax Out!

P.S. I know I'll regret it if I stay in this pattern, so I'm working on it. I want to live my 14 hour days, not always wait for my "shift" to be over at 7 or 8pm. I want to snuggle. I want to lay in bed with them and breathe in their hair....I want ethereal.

Sarcasm

Just a warning - this post may not make sense. I'm just writing to process about something I don't want to be too public about. In essence, it is about the price of sarcasm. When I'm stressed, I jest. It's a coping mechanism. And honestly, it works for me - if you can laugh about a situation, all of the sudden it is not overwhelming anymore. The load is a little lighter.

If you've been reading since Easter, I'm in one of the more stressful spirals again. Things were really "up" since Retrouvaille started in late January. But, since Easter, I'm obviously in a bit of a funk (yes, I'm getting help for that too). I'm trying to use humor and sarcasm to deal with:

A) The HEALING of my marriage.
B) The now current lack of job promotion directions for Hubby.
C) Discernment on moving to someplace in our area versus out of state.
D) Some interesting new neighbors.
E) Who I can talk to about all this, without tiring them out or pushing them away.

Tonight - my sarcasm and coping went awry. I'm not really sure what happened - it happened so fast. But I think I ended up hurting someone else rather than helping myself. And, what is heavy on my heart tonight is I think I've been doing it for months without realizing it. And, now that I do know - I am not in a good place tonight. I feel terrible, and I pray for forgiveness, but I'm afraid to bring it up since (if this makes ANY sense) I think I'm hurting more than the other party is by my actions. What was pointed out was done calmly and probably with little dramatic thought. So, I'm not really wanting to put more focus on it. So, I'm choosing to process some here, and then letting it pass. The bottom line is that it was all meant WELL I believe. In fact, it was a courageous move by one person to protect another from stress. I wish more people were like that in taking care of each other. I found myself, with all the emotions I felt in the moment, a bit jealous of that protection.

I also found myself feeling as much hurt as I felt apologetic for my 'not thinking' for months. I also am feeling confused. Confused in how I should live my life during this test of character and faith. I'm trying to figure out how to deal, how to be authentic, real, and honest when so often I want to build a wall of cheer and faith. Yet...that honesty can be too much for people (perhaps this is why I use humor or sarcasm to smooth things over?). One of my biggest fears is driving loved ones away. While I know I did not do that tonight (what a blessing!!), the method and words chosen to translate their feelings to me stung. I was shocked as much as saddened. I felt guilty for my hot tears of anger as well as my hot tears of shame. In their action to end stress, I got VERY stressed (ironic). It all seemed unfair....here I'm in the most stressful time of my life in the months following September 2011 and I'm told (gently!) that I need to not cause stress! Ouch!! Humbling. But, don't we all need to be humbled?

All of this CAN be a fantastic lesson in the making in that I can make myself more aware of the need to watch what I say, listen more than talk, and work on turning to God more than turning to people. I can't keep leaning on others too much or I could just break them. The only One who can really handle my pain (next to a professional, ha!) is God. I HAVE to remember that. I also need to remember that while I can't help my feelings, I can help my reaction. I can choose to process this learning experience, and then let it go. I am bad about the letting go part - but I am hoping to use this experience to work on improving in that area. I also need to choose to accept the fact that most likely, they have not thought about this for hours like I have, as SURPRISE (sarcasm!), the world just isn't all about me! I think God also wants me to see what amazing, AMAZING, people He has put in my family's life that feel safe enough to be honest towards me, as well as love me. It sometimes feels like a delicate dance, but the dance is a gift. I just have to keep practicing to get my moves right.

Seriously...you know what was the biggest joke tonight? In clicking into Blogger to make this post - I found they changed EVERYTHING. I have no idea if I'm even posting this correctly. The one post where I come to process a joke gone wrong...and I find the joke's on me! Har Har Har.

Did I mention the title of this post is called "Sarcasm"? Cause I could barely find where the title entry bar was. Niiiiiiiiicccceee. Any delusions I had about becoming a published writer one day just went out the window with my technical skills. I need to put the potted plant back in the space on my mantle I emptied for my Pulitzer. Wait, I don't have a mantle anymore because.................  .

Yes, this post isn't sarcastic at all. *Wink*.

Petting Zoo Antics

Hmmmm....look closely at pics from our trip to the petting zoo. Can you tell the girls took a real big BITE of fun on our last day of Spring Break?

Wordless Wednesday - "Smorgesboard Edition" Edition

Ok...some of these pics may need SOME words - but 1st here are some silly webcam pics from this week when talking to Daddy on his computer at work:

Isn't Val so cute? This is her new cheesy grin. You are one lucky duck if she flashes it at you!

And below is Lovely today. She just looked so grown up before we walked to school this morning I had to grab a picture. It's a dreary rainy day and she just made it brighter!


And now...some REAL life pics (as if my bedroom pic from the other day, and above were not enough) Below are some wall hangings we put up a few months back...ok - the SUMMER. It was so nice to have some warm touches on the walls in various rooms, and I love taking pics so instead of art, we went with frames. I just want you to look closely at them:

(collage frame says: "Together is a wonderful place to be.")

Have you noticed something about them yet? HA!! Yes! Ding Ding Ding! They are either EMPTY of pics, OR have the sample pics in them (i.e. no one related to me or I know in real life). HAHAHA.

I was just telling one my dearest yesterday that I'm not sure if the lack of action on any of my "to do" lists are simply from laziness, or procrastination, or I'm choosing to live life in other ways by enjoying my kids and husband, making memories, keeping the downstairs clean - haha? Maybe a combo of all. I just figured I'd share something real and everyday - since most of the time, I blog things to perk me up I do accomplish, or the deep thoughts of my brain.... :) I figured picture frames looked a little better than mountains of REAL laundry or 'to be finished' Christmas gifts! *wink*

Happy Wednesday! You are not alone....Carpe Diem!!

"I SO Rock!"

Ok - so I've had a "real" day today :)

We've had one of those appointment days - Baby checkup, Lovely school conference, mom's group coffee, the store, doc appt for ME, and the checkup/appts were all during nap time, so Valiant has barely slept today.

I picked Lovely up, had her GREAT conference (more on that another time) and then we RUSHED to my doc appt (my sinus infection is creeping back...ugh!) at 3:30. Of course, this is smack DAB during Val's nap time #2, so when I walked in and saw a crowded waiting room of older people (elderly) I looked at my "pent up from a day in the K classroom" elder daughter, and my "has not napped today" 17 month old and thought..."These older people are going to TAKE ME OUT."

We sat down, and Val started to get restless. I did NOT want her on the floor (germs!) and she did NOT want her stroller, so I put her in a chair like her big sister. To keep her there, I sent Lovely for waiting room magazines. Lovely came back with 2 of them, gave the smaller one to Val, and to my astonishment...for the next TWENTY minute wait, BOTH girls flipped through their magazines contented, interested, QUIET.

I sat in my chair with a mixture of "I can finally rest my body and catch my breath" and PRIDE as I met the impressed glances of 80 year old women giving me approving nods at my obviously amazing parenting skills my angelic young daughters were expertly exemplifying. My daughters were not being "those" kids one sees in waiting rooms, store lines, etc being whiny, hyper, and fidgety. My daughters are always this good because "I SO Rock!" with my consistent parenting. Also, I'm pregnant expecting yet another example of parenting perfection!! I was enjoying my moment in the affirmation spotlight.

They finally called my name, and I gathered our things to go to the examining room (no doubt to wait a bit longer). Lovely asked if she could take her magazine. I said "sure", and we went in. As we waited in the tiny room - I go to give the girls back their magazines when I see that Lovely's magazine was an old Cozmo Swimsuit edition and Val's magazine was Soap Opera Weekly. Their pages of airbrushed girls , with "barely there" swimsuits or clothes popping off every page, ad, and story, captured my girls' attention.

Yes.....I....uh..what was I saying again?.........."I so Rock??"

So yes, while I thought my attempts at being a consistent parent in teaching my girls good manners were paying off while looking good to the masses, my daughters were actually distracted by 'quality' literature with an added dose of body image stripping. AHEM.

Again..."I SO Rock!" NOT!!!!

Does it count I can laugh about it...somewhat....ok...a lot? :)

What a DAY.

I still Rock ;)

Everything's AMAZING and NOBODY is Happy

I'm not sure how many of you have seen this (I assume he is a comedian?) floating around, but it is a funny (with a few bleeps in it) but honest take on how we are so blessed and living in amazing times, and STILL, no one is happy....and we are raising a generation who is selfish. I found it to be pretty spot on and thought provoking. I'll remember this next time I want to whine about something.

We are so stinkin BLESSED today!!!! Pity we can't appreciate that enough!

Hugged a Rhino lately?

I think one of my top favorites in life is the Rhino Virus. It's sooo stinking fun! You feel a bit stiff and achy a few days before (but what's new with that - could be anything) and then WHAM overnight you have this congestion, headache, blurry vision, impacted hearing, and fatigue. There is nothing like it. It is genius actually. I mean, come on - the common cold wiped out the aliens during the War of the Worlds. Biology at its best!

Then, if you are prone, and REALLY lucky - The Rhino creates the perfect environment for a sinus infection. A civilization of a million infective cells and 1 rhino inhabit the small recesses in my face. It's facinating, and I've gotten to experience it first hand for 4 days now. I'm "one" and bonded with some of the tiniest creatures of God's creation. It's a beautiful thing.

Now, everyone take a moment to create a quiet space, empty your mind, and meditate on the goodness of life - the tiniest germ cell, the miracle of biology. Inhale...

.........


.........






oh wait. I can't inhale.

@%#$# cold!!!