Checking in, thanks to insomnia...

Tonight I went to bed at 8:30pm. I then got a massive sinus headache, and tossed and turned for a few hours. I read blogs for the FIRST time in months. Then, I finally gave up, gotten out of bed, and I've come blurry eyed to my blog to check in.

So...pull up a cup of tea perhaps?

Picture from right after I got home from work. One of my "new" thrift store china cups.

Face it, tea or coffee or hot cocoa just taste better in some sort of delicate china! Right? You know it.

First - Happy Advent to you!!!! 

Next...STOP reading. Go RIGHT now to the comment section. UPDATE ME PLEASE on yourselves. Are you still there? Am I still on a blog roll? I will be honest, I have not read any blogs since July until a quick skim tonight. My last post was in September. Who is pregnant? Who had a baby? Who faced a crisis I didn't pray for you through? Who has celebrations? Connect with me over that tea.

Ok, now that you've done that....what have I been doing?

1. I have been teaching middle school. I will start with the fact that I love it. I will add that I also struggle with it. 
2. Middle school is a much better fit for me than high school - at least with the time I have with my family to devote to the vocation that it is. The school is a fabulous fit for me. My classes are TINY, the school is TINY, and for a girl who thrives on personal connection with the people around her to a FAULT, God has me in the right place. God is good ALL the time.
3. I'm inspired by the school and my students. I want to do an amazing job for them.
4. I'm amazed this school was started by 2 moms with no experience in schooling aside from homeschooling a little when their county let them down in public school.
5. It's a privilege to work there. I'm very much a 1st year teacher again, making mistakes, feeling pressure to be better...but it is not the same stress of perfectionism I had at my high school post. I struggle with feeling like I'm not the person they interviewed. Being a 1st year teaching again at the middle school level and its learning curve has thrown me. 
6. I miss that I'm not at a Catholic school.
7. I'm grateful for a school of REALLY good and moral people. We're diverse, but the same in many ways. It's a safe place for my kids to be, and we just carry Jesus every where we go ourselves.
8. I am so grateful to sleep at night again with the peace of bringing in some extra income/savings.
9. I'm still not sleeping enough because of lesson planning, ha! But, the quality of sleep is better than the quantity I had before in naps and sleep before with my anxiety and depression.
10. That said, I've shed many a tear this semester - at school, and at home over teaching. It's been better since September/October.
11. This school, if we have to attend school and me work to help our family, is a great match for Lovely so far in 4th grade, and the school next door is FANTASTIC for the younger kids. A blessing!
12. I miss homeschooling.
13. I detest homework. 
14. Hubby misses homeschooling.
15. But, I'm not a depressed mom, only doing the basics outside of co-op on our school days. So...my kids are getting a better education currently. 3rd grade for Lovely was ROUGH. 
16. I'm still battling depression and anxiety. 
17. I have yo-yo-ed in my weight loss. Recently I've gained back to where I was when I started. Awesome. It sucks. But, I'm getting back on track this week.
18. I'm working on getting the right dosage AND the right therapy for me. Still, I'm really tired of the duality I live - when with loved ones or friends - I am happy. When not distracted - I'm anxious, down, and get tempted to think "When we move, I'll be better. Next weekend I'll be a better mom. Next summer will be better. I'll do more faith traditions and crafts next year/feast/season." Damn it....why am I living in the future? God has been so faithful. We all are HEALTHY. My children are HEALTHY. We're stable. When I catch myself procrastinating motherhood, wifehood, bedtime stories, bedtime prayers, family nights, feast days etc, I want to slap my cheek and say "When one of the kids gets very sick, or Hubby, and you are constantly 24/7 in caretaking mode, you will rue the day you took the present for granted." It works for a little while...till I slide. My battles rise and fall with my cycle for sure. It's a balance to take the right herbs or vitamins at the right time, or the right medication for my hormones. But...we're getting there. I'm learning to "turn the other cheek" on myself and be more forgiving instead of slapping myself. It's a process, when I feel the last 2 years has been a fog and I wonder what price my family is paying. 
19. One of the best cures for me, is cleaning my condo. When it is clean, I am sane. It got bad the 12 weeks of school before break. But, last week provided some major purging time. AMEN!! I LOVE Pinterest, and I feel intimidated and weighed down by Pinterest too. Then, I remember I'm the one who lets it inspire or drown me. So, I choose to mostly succeed at letting it inspire. 
20. I miss running. I'm good if I get out 2-3 times a week. Working on more. I did a 5k race a few weeks back - and I ran it in 38 mins! Not too shabby for poor training! Lovely needs more running too.
21. I have started weekly Adoration. In the last few weeks when I go on Tuesday evenings, it is a powerful balm for my soul. I've been going for a month or more, and everything is better with work, marriage, my struggles, etc. That's no coincidence. I know Jesus is everywhere, and I breathe my conversations to him 18 hours a day it feels like, but the opportunity of Adoration? Physically centered on Him? Powerful. 
22. The kids are thriving. Lovely will mention she misses homeschooling because it is harder, but doesn't want to leave her school. It's been great for her confidence and social skills. Gift and Valiant are vibrant and amazing. Like I said...God has us where He wants us for now. The peace I have from that clarity is priceless and about the only peace I have these days aside from a nice break from financial strains.
23. I miss our church co-op and friends. I need a night out with them soon. 
24. Working has sadly limited us from seeing our extended family more, but there is an odd peace that comes with that. Still some stress - but, we'll take the bigger gaps in between drama. If I think too much, I get sad because I think for one member of my family, they see the school Lovely and I attend and work in as a step up from homeschooling, and a status symbol with its zipcode. But, one can't dwell on that.
25. My father turned 90 in October. My mother is almost 77. I try to savor how healthy and active they are, and how much they love their grandchildren and still offer sleep overs, carpools, and come to any event at either school. How many parents do that for their family? I am so blessed. 
26. My marriage is always strengthening. Some days there are steps back, but we make a few forward as well. The Holy Spirit provides the nourishing air we need, God provides direction, and Jesus exemplifies the sacrifice and redemption that comes with sticking to our vows. I'm so grateful for where we are. 
27. I am thankful for my "Christ Renews His Parish" woman's group. It is a blessing to my week with its weekly meetings, scripture, and prayer. 
28. Since I last posted, Lovely turned 10 (WHAT??!), my father turned 90 (see #25), we had family pictures done (not posted yet lol - and I'm sad to say it took so long to get pic done, because I had made them a weight loss goal. A goal never met - but I could not keep putting off pictures!), gone used van shopping (nothing purchased yet), and wore PJs through the whole of Thanksgiving break. We've done hiking, we've gone to museums, we are blessed to be together.
29. No new baby yet. Praying, always praying....but...that leads me to #30...
30. Did you update me about your life in the comments? Yes, you. Any new babies? Successes? Stumbles? How is homeschooling going? How is school going? 

Ok...I should try to sleep. I'm hoping to do some Advent season posts in the future. Maybe I'll start blogging again in list form? I stopped blogging because I felt like I was being too honest here (so it was depressing and narcissistic) AND that it started to feel like a burden. Writing should be freeing. But, I miss my diary...our daily family record. I hope to get back to being here again. Maybe I'll do some memes and meet some new readers? Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. DAMN...enough with the chocolates. That's my problem....unhealthy food focus...BAHAHAH!

God Bless!!  

P.S. Everyone has been posting about Advent traditions. Here is one of mine - embracing the liturgical color of the season. Totally appropriate, right? I did this Saturday, for the 1st Sunday of Advent - HOPE!

And as always...the statue I love, every Advent in our sanctuary on the altar....

How laughter is my best medicine...

How God has blessed me with this spouse....

Hubby and I before a wedding last week.

 And together this family blesses me daily....

Thanksgiving Day - before dinner with the whole family.

Happy Advent!!!!

Hiking from Woods on a Fall-ish Evening

Tonight, at the end of a VERY long week (have I blogged yet I returned to teaching professionally full-time outside the home?), I went for a needed hike.

Or, perhaps, I just started my week with an incredible hike. 

Life is totally based on perception, isn't it? Sometimes it's the little things that add up to revealing beauty, or back breaking stress. A little goes a long way.

I needed this hike. I needed to just get out and be alone a while and refill my soul-lar batteries. The 16th of September is rapidly approaching, and that day is a personal and private anniversary for me. While the period of time and the subject it marks is personal, its effects are not. It is one of those defining days in life - much like a birth is a new promise for parent and child, or a wedding day is full of promise, sealed with vows. Anniversaries are a day to reflect. They are a decision too. Do you decide to choose love and commitment for another year? Do you celebrate the life you have? Do you mourn where you are on that particular remembrance, or do you recommit to the what the anniversary marks despite how the day finds you? Life, so often, is a decision on how it is lived despite our current circumstances living it. 

As I climbed from the woods to the mountain side, the trail opened up. The path became unclear, and I had to put one foot in front of the other to push onward. I had so many directions in which to head!

But, oh the view! The journey upwards is challenging, yet when I can let myself look around, fighting gravity's temptation to fall backwards, it is so glorious!

I could not escape the beauty of the Yellow Daisies all around me. Stone Mountain's species of yellow daisy is pretty amazing. They grow on the mountain side, and only have a season of about a month. Thirty days of living out their purpose before they are gone. I saw many daisies already aging and fading, yet, they still glowed in the sun's light. They were weather worn, solar bleached, and were still radiant and graceful. It also impressed me how they bloomed where they were planted. They grew despite the granite rock their seeds landed upon. 

  

It looked lonely. Yet, there was a rustic beauty and bravery to these particular plants. They stood tall despite their surroundings, despite the rocks or deep cracks. They inspired me with a glimpse of brightness along my trek, while seemingly so alone in their micro-oasis. Yet, were they really alone? Not at all. They stood tall in the Light, reaching for the Sun, turning their faces to the nourishing rays. If you pulled back on the viewfinder in my camera lens, then you would find something more:

Community. They were a part of a community. A group who were setting their roots deep despite their own rocks, pebbles, gravel, and grit in the way. 

We all have our own story. We all have grit and granite in our lives. Everyone we meet is struggling to put down roots, to have purpose, and commit to something each moment. This world is FULL of struggle, but when you stand back and watch the communal spirit - it becomes living art to inspire us onward. 

 

So, as my quiet, personal, anniversary comes and goes, I wanted to thank "you" for being a part of my mountain side biome. We all may be weathered and bleached at times, but we live the life of Ecclesiastes 3, which means we also have a season to shine on that same mountain side. We'll be exposed to all types of anniversaries, and we get to choose how to live them. Thank you for being there, even when I mess up, overreact, or overcompensate. Forgive me if I forget you have a story too. It's no accident we are living together in THIS life, at THIS time. It is to be the hands and feet of Christ to each other.

As the sun started to set, I needed to get back down the trail. At one point, I was at a loss for where to go, since I was on the granite face with many directions to choose from. I am NO Moses, and this was not Mt. Sinai. I was not expecting a burning bush or loud event to show me the path I needed to take. Yet, why doesn't God do those big acts anymore? Where is the pillar of fire, the burning bush, the wrestling angel, the lighting strikes, cures or mass miracles? Then a thought hit me.

It is because we are too loud. We are too busy, too plugged in, too informed. So, sometimes He comes in the quiet and the small, waiting for us to hear or see Him. Then He waits for us to follow. 

Sometimes His "signs" are nothing more than a brief mark on the path. Can you find it? 

Psalm 119: 105

And, that mark leads us to more.

In the small, He leads us to safety as the night falls....

...and I feel renewed to mark the passing of another anniversay, wait on my God, and love those around me. I feel like a 2 Corinthians 12:9 gal most days, so hopefully I'm contributing to God getting mighty powerful for us all, haha. But, I know I'm called to be a Romans 12:12 warrior, and thanks to "you", I can be that most days, and know on the days I am weak - God is still strong, especially through "you." 

Ain't life grand? 

Much love, and many thanks. Goodnight!

Finisher!!!!

I ran in the biggest 10K in the world!!! And it was AWESOME!!! I'm getting there, slowly and surely, to better health!

Thanks most especially to your cheerleading and prayers the last 2 years. THANK YOU.

HAPPY Fourth of July!!!!

Five Favorites Meme

I have been SO BAD at blogging the last few months. I need to give a major update on everything around here, but for now - I think I have the perfect "Fav Five" for Hallie's meme over at MoxieWife.com. So, without further adieu....

1.  See this precious baby?

This is "Valiant". Little Val here, is today....GULP.....

2. THIS child!!!!!
 

3. She's...ummmm...FIVE YEARS OLD!!! Talk about being my FAVORITE Five meme around lol!!!

4. She's sweet.  She's SASSY. She's pint-sized, impish, always has to be in a dress or "fancy", and a GIFT FROM GOD!!

5. Dearest Valiant - may today bless you as you have blessed us. You are our "Favorite Five" today. Thank you for being you. You woke up SO excited that you are five today. How I adore that passion and thrill. Your daddy and I love you, AND your amazing smile. God Bless you today!!!

She's probably the best meme theme on the web today, hmmmmm?  Gosh I love this girl!

Now...go off and enjoy all the participants over at Hallie's blog!  Come join in the "fiveulous" fun!!!

Blessings!

Wise Words

When I write everything out - almost stream of consciousness - it's my therapy.  It always has been.  I write and write and write and then walk away feeling lighter.  It doesn't really matter what comes after - the feedback part - because my writing is rather selfish.  It's all for me.  I have always felt that writing is so much better than a conversation.  If I sat across the table from someone and spilled my guts - it puts an unspoken pressure on the other person to "say" or "do" or "fix" something.

~ Kate Leong - Chasing Rainbows. 

Blessed Reminders...

...that my life is sunny, warm, and bright:

Thank you B...so much. And these were just the "test shots"? I can't wait to see the others...but no rush. Really. I can stare at these forever. They will make fabulous Mother's Day gifts for the women in my family this weekend. I am profoundly grateful. Can't wait to babysit in return!!

Selfish

You know. I have been selfish. My husband just texted me saying he would bring home dinner (I am currently in bed....little kids napping, Lovely was last making puppets when I saw her). He's done that a lot lately for me/us because of "this" - even making basic dinners. And, that is AFTER a long day at work. 

So, please pray for him. Remind me to be grateful.  It has been been a mixed up 1.5 years and more for us.

Thanks.

Can't sleep so...maybe writing will tire me?

It's almost 5am, but I've slept little. I'm thinking I timed getting started on me (again) well, as last night/tonight I've just felt sick to my stomach like the night before a big test. I totally have random, racing thoughts, and before midnight I had to get up an get online to distract myself from feeling a threatening panic attack (had one full blown attack in college, and a 50% "almost there" one in September). I'm REALLY about done with all this.

My appointment yesterday went well. It was mostly just an assessment for the doctor to have all information next week. It was nice to talk a bit. We'll see where it goes for net week. But, if I keep feeling like this all day today...I'm calling. I would like to NOT do that, so prayers for calm, peace would be appreciated.

I've been doing a LOT around here the last few days. So, I'm more tired. We have a family event for Mother's Day/Gift's upcoming 3rd birthday at my sister's house this Saturday on my mind, and a busy Sunday. I'm already exhausted thinking about it.

My house is a wreck. Laundry is piling up, and so are the thoughts in my brain. I haven't read to my kids in a few days. Lovely has read to her siblings some, and audio books or the audio on our e-reader has been my substitute. I totally forgot Lovely had art yesterday (overlapping with my appointment) and the teacher was txting me looking for her. We've been late a LOT at preschool drop off. I can't move us along fast enough to leave on time. It's ALL me. Ugh. I have not been on my A game in a while. OH! And when dumb me decided to do some new haircuts for a Mother's day surprise (see below), Gift's TRIM became a major cut. All curls gone. I was really emotional. He's still adorable...but...he's not fully my Gift right now as I get used to it. Most likely, I'll grow it out some and see if any of the curls return. If they don't, he's now a short haired kid. If they return...you better bet he''ll be sporting a fuller head of hair! I love short hair on boys (and it wasn't like his hair was to his shoulders!!)...but I feel childhood is a flexible time - too shortlived to worry about certain details if a child is gifted with certain features that are brief in childhood - like CURLS.

But, the highlight reel of my day yesterday related to the 'Shorn Samson' my son became? A friend offered to take pictures of my children. At first, it was just a couple of head shots of Lovely and Gift to go along/mimic the outdoor school pictures of Valiant so my mom and sister could have some up to date pictures of them. Then, it grew from there. "How about in exchange for babysitting, I take a bunch more and practice my skills and use them for a possible portfolio in the future?" Ummmmm, yes please! We were there over an hour, taking pictures on their lovely (and much larger that I thought) property (well, part of it wasn't theirs, but that part it is an abandoned lot with a field). It was literally an "over the river and through the woods..." (that song in your heads now?) experience and she was awesome!!! It was a trip though. We have 6 kids between us, most very small, and I got to carry her sweet 18th month old on my hip a lot. B and I both got a workout yesterday getting these pictures made! I can't WAIT to see them! She literally got into the mud for them! One thing I thought to do was bring along Lovely's lovey...her favorite stuffed animal she sleeps with for security and plays with during the day. She's 9.5 and still loves this thing...but for how long? I decided since I never thought about doing it when she was younger, to grab a few shots with "Horsey" while we still could. We'll see if that paid off.

So...hmmmm...that's about it. Now it is 5:12, and I'm more awake than ever. I do feel better though. Maybe I can try and sleep...or read? Anyways...I wish you a GREAT day. We're going to make it a good one here! I'll just try not to get anxious about making cupcakes and side dishes to take tomorrow to my sister's,as well as framing a few of the needed shots from B's house yesterday that she'll send me today for my Mother's Day gifts while B gets the other pictures ready at a slower speed on her time (no rush for sure!). Oh..and I should have my kids make some gifts of their own for my mom and sister. And, I need to remember to be at Val's school for her to serve me Mother's Day Tea.

Just writing this makes me feel so silly...why does the above plans have me so stressed? Cupcakes? Framing? Side dishes? Oye. I sound so childish.

Again....today will be a GREAT day. Love to you all! Keep those prayers coming - Hey Zookeeper - your comment just came through. I'll be praying so hard for your request. Thanks for letting me help in some way. I'm about to do some more. Perfect timing at 5:20am. ThankYOU!

Appointment(s) set!

I've got the 2 initially needed. Pray for me the next two Thursdays! Thanks!

And seriously...how can I pray for you?!!

They called back!

Don't you love the play by play?

They called back! They will call tomorrow around 9:30am to let me know if they have any Thursday cancellations. So I am praying:

A) They do and can offer me an appointment on Thursday.

B) I can actually make that appointment happen and have child care. :)

I may start some emailing for Thursday...just in case.

They did tell me on the phone that this appointment would be with one of their therapists to evaluate and get me started, with a follow up next week with a doctor. Too bad I can't do more before before this weekend and a big family gathering...Lord give me the strength and peace! No anxiety!

Thanks for the prayers. How may I pray for you?

Much love!

Made the call.

They just need to do another call for more information. Hoping then we can get the ball rolling and a date set ASAP.

Thanks for your prayers!

Took the first big step.

I did the research and found an office/doctor I'd like to try. Tomorrow, I call.

Even though I could still feel better in 2 weeks (start of new cycle), it's time to make the call. To avoid calling because it triggers anxiety isn't helping...When napping anytime I can isn't helping...When I know I don't need more sleep... When the prayer times and confession times (because at first they helped!) and their effects dwindle and adding more overwhelms me...I need more help. I am so thankful for the vitamins I'm now taking (thanks Blair!!), but...I am still weary.

* I started realizing this as I spiraled AGAIN into insecurity, no confidence, self-doubt, anxiety and social anxiety.

* When a night out with friends where all shared the Christian faith, but the conversation flowed into how  none did Santa with their children to avoid lying to them and putting the focus on Jesus drove me, IRRATIONALLY, to extreme guilt that I lie to my kids and am damaging them. Not just about Santa - but the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy....no matter how much I know we focus on Jesus, St. Nick, and the Resurrection even more. Where these amazing women judging me? NO! NOT AT ALL. I am just not rational.

* Realizing I have not taken a joke in a few years. It's rare when I do. I can joke, I deliver wit or sarcasm, but I can't take them.

* That I am way too sensitive to comments about actions I choose to do....my own business, that others innocently comment on. It is ME, not them. They are trying to converse, challenge, joke! I should be able to banter with them. Oh, Banter! How much I miss thee!

* I am just too raw to be around people I don't want to lose.

* That I see signs of budding anxiety in one of my children. They are taking cues from me.

* Being too clingy, apologetic, and annoying as I scramble to hide my insecurities from others.

* Grieving relationships affected by me, being...me...on a bad day. Some may never recover to the level where the 'almighty me' wills them. I need to settle on being glad I have something left to enjoy....or let go of the ones lost.

* Feeling so overwhelmed by life that I am NOT living life fully, or making the corrections I need to make in my marriage, financial future, dreams, etc. because I am too overwhelmed to start, too paralyzed. Too anxious.

* Anxiety totally plays a part in worsening my learning disability (I'm not offering another excuse! I've just noticed it get really bad the last 2 years. I'm even mixing up friends's children's names if I don't see them every day. It was also terrible when teaching my co-op classes. I never really could remember which child was which. I also have to continually use my GPS to get to certain people's  - yes, friends too - homes outside a certain distance. I just can't remember the roads or route. It's embarrassing to have to explain when said friends or other notice). So, lesson learned - anxiety makes Dyscalculia worse. Which then makes my anxiety worse. "YAY!"

* Realizing that being a better Christian won't cure me, taking up my cross alone without a Simon isn't working, or that "offering it up" isn't making me a stronger disciple. At the end of it all...the more I try to be less...the more room the devil has to break me down through this chemical based, irrational weakness.

* On that subject of Simon  - I need to remember to be more conscience of the fact that they are simply "Simons" (Matthew 27:32)...not Saviors. There is only one Savior, and He already saved me. Also...the original Simon was "pressed" into service. That pressure doesn't always end well. I don't need to pressure any more Messiahs into existence, thankyouverymuch!

God has heard me cry out. He knows I've surrendered...multiple times. He has NEVER forsaken me. I simply can't hear Him because of my misfiring synapses, roller coaster hormones, environmental triggers, and/or lack of current coping skills. I see Him, I can even feel Him..but hearing Him...knowing I can "Be not Afraid" rationally, but doubting irrationally is getting old. I am also "seeing the wind" (Click Here). Life where we have a roof over our heads, good health, good family and friends, faith, and obvious vocations/purpose should not be this hard to live joyfully.

I was not created to feel this way every day. God made me to love others as He loves me. To know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in the next. This world is meant to be a gift. I need to FEEL that. "Normalcy" should not feel so heavy on my chest and shoulders.

Tomorrow is the second step. I will call and make the appointment.

Thanks for the prayers. How may I pray for you?

And just like that...!

A post is made with quotes like this:

"We may make this (being extroverted) look easy, but it's not. Many extroverts suffer from various forms of social anxiety, compounded by the knowledge that if we do or say the wrong things, if we are perceived to be thoughtless or undesirable in a social setting, we'll be unwelcome in the group. If that happens often enough, a necessary part of our psyche will starve and fail. When I walk into a roomful of people, the stakes are higher for me than they are for non-extroverts, because I *need* to be welcome there. When I walk out of a roomful of people, you can rest assured that I am rehashing every single conversation I had, going over everything I said, second-guessing every word and gesture. I am acutely aware of every mistake I made, even the ones I only imagine to have occurred. I still remember the dumb things I said or did long after everyone else has forgotten them. I can recall social faux pas as far back as middle school, and though by and large I've stopped beating myself up for things, the ghosts still paralyze me sometimes."

Some of it reads like an excuse - and I think all of us should try to overcome temptations and flaws - not give excuses, but it was a good read (and yes...introverts can be the same way too, I'm sure. I need some good introvert articles lol).

Read more here - The Care and Feeding of Your Extrovert

I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!

HAPPY EASTER!!!!

What a joyous day. It has been so FELT by this momma! God has been so good to me!!!

First - click this link, and turn up the speakers. I would love to have a recording of our choir singing this every Easter and Christmas. It is captures our amazing Jesus Christ and the Glory of God triumphant through the Holy Spirit that I'm sure helped to inspire the writing of this song by Matt Maher. LOVE HAS COME!!! He is the reason for the season!




Don't you just feel like shouting thank you over and over and over? Oh, God, how I love you!

After Mass:

  Our three blessings:

Loving this day with my parents (ages 76 and 89!!!):

Silly Outtakes:

Capturing true personalities:

One Blessed Family in this Easter SEASON! I have so much to be grateful for!!!

Happy Easter to your family, from ours. We LOVE you!

We Are An Easter People!

We are an Easter people.

Every day we overcome death.

We overcome financial death. Relationship death. Death blows from a bully, a boss, a friend, a foe, a circumstance, an event, our infirm bodies, and blows from our own inner voices.

We suffer the pain, we entomb ourselves in numbness, escape..and then....

We rise.

We rise because He rose.

We are an Easter people.

He is Risen!!!! Alleluia!!!

Tonight, Hubby and I played at one of the parishes for their Easter Vigil. They have such a lovely Mass. Here we are in front of their beautiful altar:

Tomorrow, we are back at our home parish with our children. Can't wait to get their pictures tomorrow. Love to you, this wonderful Easter SEASON!

Blessings and love!

Broken for You.

Blessed Good Friday to you. 

Many thanks to Kris for sharing her homemade Ezekiel Bread with my family today (that link is not to her exact recipe). I sense a new tradition on fasting days.

I love the quiet of Good Friday. Though, today my house is finally full of many children. Some friends of ours our moving into a new house this weekend (what timing!) and their two daughters (16 months and 6) are hanging out all day with us. While we were waiting for them to arrive, Lovely went with Kris and her family to our church for children's Stations of the Cross. I'm feeling very full and blessed from my village of friends - from their gifts of bread to sharing their children.

Along with Jesus paying the ultimate price for us - being so GOOD to us, these are just a few reasons more why this Friday is Good Friday.

hi.

A little jewel on FB. Love this!!! 

hehe!

Joy!! Hope!! We have a Pope!

Here is a picture of my excited kids, letting the excitement on TV carry over into their hearts and our living room:

Habemus Papem!!!!

God Bless Pope Francis!!!

While I know he probably took the name for Francis Xavier, I love this account from another Francis, St. Francis...maybe who the founder of the Jesuits was named for: 

"Rebuild my Church"

"St. Francis, Kneeling before an image of the Crucified, he was filled with great fervor and consolation as he prayed. While his tear-filled eyes were gazing at the Lord's cross, he heard with his bodily ears a voice coming from the cross, telling him three times: 'Francis, go and repair my house which, as you see, is falling into ruin.'

Trembling with fear, Francis was amazed at the sound of this astonishing voice, since he was alone in the church; and as he received in his heart the power of the divine words, he fell into a state of ecstasy. Returning finally to his senses, he prepared to put his whole heart into obeying the command he had received." 

So much to pray for!!! May God bless this humble man with a huge job ahead....God bless our Shepherd. 

SO EXCITED!!!!

Always Timely

When I can manage to do all my morning prayer, meditation, and Lenten readings done (ha, ha and ha....I TRY) it never ceases to amaze me what speaks to me, what helps me, and what is so timely in its message.

This is from today's 3 Minute Retreat (in Lent, called 3+ Minute Retreat). I love that the "+" reflection is by one of my favorites - Lisa Hendey!

First, it reminds me to breathe, breathe through and away with my anxiety (ha!)

Then...the scripture reflection is this:

Blessed are we who live our lives in the name of the Lord. But do we always remember what it means to be a disciple? We must remind ourselves that our lives are about dying as well as rising. There is no resurrection without death. Life in the Lord requires glory one day and dejection the next. As disciples we have hope, because we know that God holds us the entire time.

 

How can you bless the dying and the rising of your life, knowing that both are in the name of the Lord? 

Indeed. How shall I answer this today? Time to reflect. 

Much love!

Weekend Catchup - and about our home...

I can't begin to say thank you for the comments, emails, calls, or txts about my hard week and my posts last week. Thank you. I enjoyed praying for you as well. I can tell you I felt those prayers for hours on Friday and they got me through the day. Being SO busy Saturday helped distract me, and today's endorphins from my 1st 10K run EVER really helped me!!!!!!!  God has been faithful and good to me.

I wanted to quickly clarify something. I do agree we should not move too soon. I actually prefer waiting, saving, etc. What I can't really elaborate on is the personal struggle on why I don't want to stay HERE for too long. Our condo is a total BLESSING, but there are a few personal reasons for being conflicted after a 1 1/2 year stay that I can't blog about. I was concerned my post sounded snobbish (and rereading it, it looks that way...that I'm "done" with living in a little condo with no yard). I honestly could living in another little apartment or condo...no yard...if it was a place where we could wander about outside. I just long for a place where outside play is a possibility. That's about all I can say. That just clarifies my "yard" wish. I should have said "outside space".

I fully support my husband in this pause and possible change of plans. Do I have concerns that he's also making decisions because he is scared of future stumbles....? Kinda, (and he knows this) and that was where my post was coming from. And being stuck for a long time where we are with my private concerns elicited an emotional reaction from me.  That and just anxiety, plain and simple, clouding my mind and decision making. We are quite a married pair! :)

I can't tell you how blogging and asking for prayer helped my anxiety, and I loved learning from Blair about the great NFP recommended vitamin. I'm still discerning seeking more medication (I just need to DO it - call and learn more. I was on a roll, then  fell off that wagon), but not bottling up helped. The other thing that helped on Friday was getting the children and I out for a picnic lunch in the gorgeous sunshine and climate. We went to a local small nature park (near our community garden) and it was the balm I needed on top of all the prayers. As my dear S told me....I'm a sunflower. I can't be kept in doors! It helped this wilted spirit for sure! I thank my Small Steps for Catholic Mothers Lenten Prompts for getting me outside.  

It was gorgeous outside!

Can you spot my 3 blessings? 

Then Lovely had a sleepover and the younger two went with me to play with their Godsister while I babysat her and her little twin brother and sister. Perfect evening for outside play! 

Then today...I ran my first 10k!!! What a blessing of endorphins. I've been getting back to running, with Lovely, thanks to my dear Kris (we run with our two 3rd graders during the week) and my dear J, my Goddaughter's mommy, who made us sign up for this race and with whom I run with on weekends. It's been a blessing. Today we did it...J's and my first 10k! We ran with another high school friend and the wife of a teacher at the high school. Being so close to St. Patrick's Day, the race was top o the green :)

I finished in 1:15:58. I was really pumped! The urban view of the race was really lovely....such a contrast to my normal love of nature:

Taken running over an overpass, cleared for runners.

A really funny story from this morning before the run. J and I planned to have me meet at her house at 7:15am. With the "springing ahead" - I had my husband set his alarm along with mine for 6:30am (as a backup since we both use cell phones as our clocks and I didn't know if they both would auto update during the night). I think Hubs accidentally messed with his to help it along, and this morning, it was the only alarm that went off. I woke up to him hitting me (mostly in his sleep LOL!) saying I needed to get up, my cell never rang. So, on auto pilot, I got ready and left. I noticed the dash clock said 4:55am. I started to think...wait...that would mean it is 5:55am??? So I'm heading to J's at 6am, not 7am??!!!!!!!! WHAT???!! It was hysterical to me that I got up at 4:30am for an 8:30am race. Goodness! And, as I waited in my car outside J's house (all dark as they were asleep), my alarm went off at 6:30am as needed. GAH!! LOL Gotta love a good laugh!

Afterwards, I was graced by a well earned nap, more Alleve (ha!), evening Mass, and then this YUMMY dinner celebrating the SUN STILL BEING OUT!!

A hummas and veggie sandwich on seven grain bread with fruit. So freaking delicious!!! The colors made me happy too. I am that social networker who takes pics of my food. HA!

Ok, I need to get to bed. Bootcamp at 5:45am, and then a full day of homeschooling. I need my rest. I was feeling anxious again this evening, but simply recapping my day has helped. PLEASE pray for me, and please post how I can pray for you. I need to focus on others.

Blessing!!! Enjoy the birth of Spring!