Hiking from Woods on a Fall-ish Evening

Tonight, at the end of a VERY long week (have I blogged yet I returned to teaching professionally full-time outside the home?), I went for a needed hike.

Or, perhaps, I just started my week with an incredible hike. 

Life is totally based on perception, isn't it? Sometimes it's the little things that add up to revealing beauty, or back breaking stress. A little goes a long way.

I needed this hike. I needed to just get out and be alone a while and refill my soul-lar batteries. The 16th of September is rapidly approaching, and that day is a personal and private anniversary for me. While the period of time and the subject it marks is personal, its effects are not. It is one of those defining days in life - much like a birth is a new promise for parent and child, or a wedding day is full of promise, sealed with vows. Anniversaries are a day to reflect. They are a decision too. Do you decide to choose love and commitment for another year? Do you celebrate the life you have? Do you mourn where you are on that particular remembrance, or do you recommit to the what the anniversary marks despite how the day finds you? Life, so often, is a decision on how it is lived despite our current circumstances living it. 

As I climbed from the woods to the mountain side, the trail opened up. The path became unclear, and I had to put one foot in front of the other to push onward. I had so many directions in which to head!

But, oh the view! The journey upwards is challenging, yet when I can let myself look around, fighting gravity's temptation to fall backwards, it is so glorious!

I could not escape the beauty of the Yellow Daisies all around me. Stone Mountain's species of yellow daisy is pretty amazing. They grow on the mountain side, and only have a season of about a month. Thirty days of living out their purpose before they are gone. I saw many daisies already aging and fading, yet, they still glowed in the sun's light. They were weather worn, solar bleached, and were still radiant and graceful. It also impressed me how they bloomed where they were planted. They grew despite the granite rock their seeds landed upon. 

  

It looked lonely. Yet, there was a rustic beauty and bravery to these particular plants. They stood tall despite their surroundings, despite the rocks or deep cracks. They inspired me with a glimpse of brightness along my trek, while seemingly so alone in their micro-oasis. Yet, were they really alone? Not at all. They stood tall in the Light, reaching for the Sun, turning their faces to the nourishing rays. If you pulled back on the viewfinder in my camera lens, then you would find something more:

Community. They were a part of a community. A group who were setting their roots deep despite their own rocks, pebbles, gravel, and grit in the way. 

We all have our own story. We all have grit and granite in our lives. Everyone we meet is struggling to put down roots, to have purpose, and commit to something each moment. This world is FULL of struggle, but when you stand back and watch the communal spirit - it becomes living art to inspire us onward. 

 

So, as my quiet, personal, anniversary comes and goes, I wanted to thank "you" for being a part of my mountain side biome. We all may be weathered and bleached at times, but we live the life of Ecclesiastes 3, which means we also have a season to shine on that same mountain side. We'll be exposed to all types of anniversaries, and we get to choose how to live them. Thank you for being there, even when I mess up, overreact, or overcompensate. Forgive me if I forget you have a story too. It's no accident we are living together in THIS life, at THIS time. It is to be the hands and feet of Christ to each other.

As the sun started to set, I needed to get back down the trail. At one point, I was at a loss for where to go, since I was on the granite face with many directions to choose from. I am NO Moses, and this was not Mt. Sinai. I was not expecting a burning bush or loud event to show me the path I needed to take. Yet, why doesn't God do those big acts anymore? Where is the pillar of fire, the burning bush, the wrestling angel, the lighting strikes, cures or mass miracles? Then a thought hit me.

It is because we are too loud. We are too busy, too plugged in, too informed. So, sometimes He comes in the quiet and the small, waiting for us to hear or see Him. Then He waits for us to follow. 

Sometimes His "signs" are nothing more than a brief mark on the path. Can you find it? 

Psalm 119: 105

And, that mark leads us to more.

In the small, He leads us to safety as the night falls....

...and I feel renewed to mark the passing of another anniversay, wait on my God, and love those around me. I feel like a 2 Corinthians 12:9 gal most days, so hopefully I'm contributing to God getting mighty powerful for us all, haha. But, I know I'm called to be a Romans 12:12 warrior, and thanks to "you", I can be that most days, and know on the days I am weak - God is still strong, especially through "you." 

Ain't life grand? 

Much love, and many thanks. Goodnight!

Weekend Catchup - and about our home...

I can't begin to say thank you for the comments, emails, calls, or txts about my hard week and my posts last week. Thank you. I enjoyed praying for you as well. I can tell you I felt those prayers for hours on Friday and they got me through the day. Being SO busy Saturday helped distract me, and today's endorphins from my 1st 10K run EVER really helped me!!!!!!!  God has been faithful and good to me.

I wanted to quickly clarify something. I do agree we should not move too soon. I actually prefer waiting, saving, etc. What I can't really elaborate on is the personal struggle on why I don't want to stay HERE for too long. Our condo is a total BLESSING, but there are a few personal reasons for being conflicted after a 1 1/2 year stay that I can't blog about. I was concerned my post sounded snobbish (and rereading it, it looks that way...that I'm "done" with living in a little condo with no yard). I honestly could living in another little apartment or condo...no yard...if it was a place where we could wander about outside. I just long for a place where outside play is a possibility. That's about all I can say. That just clarifies my "yard" wish. I should have said "outside space".

I fully support my husband in this pause and possible change of plans. Do I have concerns that he's also making decisions because he is scared of future stumbles....? Kinda, (and he knows this) and that was where my post was coming from. And being stuck for a long time where we are with my private concerns elicited an emotional reaction from me.  That and just anxiety, plain and simple, clouding my mind and decision making. We are quite a married pair! :)

I can't tell you how blogging and asking for prayer helped my anxiety, and I loved learning from Blair about the great NFP recommended vitamin. I'm still discerning seeking more medication (I just need to DO it - call and learn more. I was on a roll, then  fell off that wagon), but not bottling up helped. The other thing that helped on Friday was getting the children and I out for a picnic lunch in the gorgeous sunshine and climate. We went to a local small nature park (near our community garden) and it was the balm I needed on top of all the prayers. As my dear S told me....I'm a sunflower. I can't be kept in doors! It helped this wilted spirit for sure! I thank my Small Steps for Catholic Mothers Lenten Prompts for getting me outside.  

It was gorgeous outside!

Can you spot my 3 blessings? 

Then Lovely had a sleepover and the younger two went with me to play with their Godsister while I babysat her and her little twin brother and sister. Perfect evening for outside play! 

Then today...I ran my first 10k!!! What a blessing of endorphins. I've been getting back to running, with Lovely, thanks to my dear Kris (we run with our two 3rd graders during the week) and my dear J, my Goddaughter's mommy, who made us sign up for this race and with whom I run with on weekends. It's been a blessing. Today we did it...J's and my first 10k! We ran with another high school friend and the wife of a teacher at the high school. Being so close to St. Patrick's Day, the race was top o the green :)

I finished in 1:15:58. I was really pumped! The urban view of the race was really lovely....such a contrast to my normal love of nature:

Taken running over an overpass, cleared for runners.

A really funny story from this morning before the run. J and I planned to have me meet at her house at 7:15am. With the "springing ahead" - I had my husband set his alarm along with mine for 6:30am (as a backup since we both use cell phones as our clocks and I didn't know if they both would auto update during the night). I think Hubs accidentally messed with his to help it along, and this morning, it was the only alarm that went off. I woke up to him hitting me (mostly in his sleep LOL!) saying I needed to get up, my cell never rang. So, on auto pilot, I got ready and left. I noticed the dash clock said 4:55am. I started to think...wait...that would mean it is 5:55am??? So I'm heading to J's at 6am, not 7am??!!!!!!!! WHAT???!! It was hysterical to me that I got up at 4:30am for an 8:30am race. Goodness! And, as I waited in my car outside J's house (all dark as they were asleep), my alarm went off at 6:30am as needed. GAH!! LOL Gotta love a good laugh!

Afterwards, I was graced by a well earned nap, more Alleve (ha!), evening Mass, and then this YUMMY dinner celebrating the SUN STILL BEING OUT!!

A hummas and veggie sandwich on seven grain bread with fruit. So freaking delicious!!! The colors made me happy too. I am that social networker who takes pics of my food. HA!

Ok, I need to get to bed. Bootcamp at 5:45am, and then a full day of homeschooling. I need my rest. I was feeling anxious again this evening, but simply recapping my day has helped. PLEASE pray for me, and please post how I can pray for you. I need to focus on others.

Blessing!!! Enjoy the birth of Spring!

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale

“Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

My alternate title? The Post Where I Finally Reveal Everything You Have Prayed For The Last Few Months!

Yes. Really.

So, what do you think of the following pictures (side note: I am SO behind on posting pictures of our summer!!!)?

 

Pretty, right?

How about being a pretty place for children to grow up? A small town by a big river in the foothills of the mountains that ALSO had big city perks, tons of home school support, and so many outdoor activities a young family could soak in???! SCORE!

We were sold on this idea this past year, prayed, and felt it was a place God wanted us eventually and we became open to potential jobs in the area. Obviously, this would mean a move across state lines! My husband really needed and has been wanting for years (silly economy) to move ahead in his IT career and decided this past spring it was the time to look for some upward mobility that working for the government in his past job was not providing. He LOVED his last office, but just was hungering for more opportunity and growth. Since he needed to look, he decided to look where those pictures above were taken - not our state. Yep - we were open to moving!

Within a few months, Hubby had found some great companies and interviewed. He was not looking for any job, but a really good one - one with a raise, etc to make the move a smart one. He got close to one job, but they decided to go within the company. Then in June, he interviewed for another great position. As it became  apparent they wanted to hire him, we spoke with some of our closest friends for advice. The job seemed to be a GREAT opportunity. It was our first job where benefits and salary did not start for 90 days, and a recruiter was involved - but the recruiter did banter with us on making the hourly pay WELL worth our while, and the company who hired my husband promised him a 20% raise with the benefits and salary. After those negotiations, Hubby signed on. Again, this was the end of June. May and June were when I started begging for those prayers. I think April too LOL! Now you know why! Your prayers worked!

We knew we needed to save up his new raise for the big move. So, while he started the new job on July 2nd, we decided we would move as a family in October, and he would come home on weekends to visit and save for the move. My dear friend S did this same arrangement for over a year with her husband, so I knew I could survive and use the same strategies as a single mom during the week. He went ahead and got an extended day hotel room for a good price.

He LOVED the new work. It was in a corporate headquarters for a huge plant operation. He walked on average 6-9 miles a day (so good for his health). He was working with fantastic technology. I kept myself really busy, spending 2 whole weeks as a traveling nanny for my dear, dear, dear C a few hours away. It helped make July so bearable, especially since S moved...taking part of my heart, and my kids' hearts with her family. It was a nice distraction to work, and be in a place with a pool and friends for my kids, and a feeling of true family for me. I'm so grateful for those 2 weeks!

After those 2 weeks of working, the children and I went to visit him for about 13 days. We went to home hunt, enjoy being together, and meet so many new friends in the co-ops I had found for playdates and homeschooling. One person I met at a homeschool co-op "1st Friday" potluck celebration was none other than Haus Frau from Dwelling in Tol Garden!!! How cool is that??!! To meet a fellow reader/blogger??!!! It was very comforting! We bought family passes to the aquarium there, the children's museum, and a gorgeous park. The year anniversary of "our life exploding and losing our home, my husband's health", etc was approaching (September 16th), and it seemed God was granting us the chance to rebuild by that melancholy anniversary. We made some great memories in our future new home:

Looks pretty much like heaven on earth....really...right? 

I mean....look at these colors... look at our future......

Except well....

it is not our future. Except as a vacation spot. 

I see it now as a blessing, but at the time - it felt like a killjoy. But, I never really could get excited about this job. I had this weird feeling we would never move. Now, I see it as God protecting my heart and keeping us from rushing into the move. Hubby learned during that long visit that it looked like the company who hired him was losing their hold, and getting bought out. They told my husband his job might likely end August 31st. (!!!!!) Can they do that? Hire when things look grim and not say anything??!! That is when I did a big plea on this blog, and through email, for prayers. He would have not gotten severance, he had no job to return home to, and we really had not rebuilt savings enough to survive on unemployment. It was....so...so scary. It was a new season of trust and choosing joy for our family, again.

Hubby learned a few days later that it seemed that he and his coworkers WOULD get hired on by the new company (your prayers working people!) - and it seemed like it would be even BETTER than before. For a few more weeks, he worked, very excitedly. We saved extra money just in case this good news failed to last, and we decided to save gas and not have him come home until we knew his job was safe. I radically changed our budget at home, started babysitting part time, etc, but it all seemed to be looking VERY good. He would get hired on with salary and benefits instantly with the new company, there would be a discount on a company van, and we could move sooner to be together!

Heart attack over!!! Right?

Well, apparently I love roller coasters....and my life wanted to copy that thrill ride!

At this point, I was about a month into being a single, SAHM who homeschools and we were doing ok. He was then hired by the new company which dropped a BOMB:

~ They hired MOST everyone (Hubby made the cut with his certifications!) but some lost out.
~ They would slash their pay for 6 months almost 80%.
~ Benefits would cost $900 a month for those 6 months at an 80% pay cut (most opted out).
~ They would work 12 hour shifts, not 8 hr days, and flip day shifts/night shifts each week. EXHAUSTING.

So, really, forget not having the $ to come home - he didn't have the time. And we needed what he could bring in. It was far more than unemployment, and being in a job helps GET a new job. Yes...this meant a NEW job search. AGAIN.

We sent out so many requests for prayers on this blog, prayer circles, emails AGAIN (same song, new refrain). We spent the first few weeks looking for jobs in the area. We so desperately wanted to move there. We had gone to different churches looking for a parish home, I had joined 3 co-ops - one Catholic, one for field trips, one for play. I was getting to know people. They offered prayers and support as well. We felt it was home away from home.

God's hand was at every turn! A chance meeting when hanging out by the river with the sister of an old high school friend of my husband (lol!) lead to a cheaper place to stay (a rented room at their home versus the extended day hotel saving hundreds), another friend's church gave us a gas card for a visit and a Kr*ger card, our new co-ops all sent us information on possible jobs opening up (even though the jobs never did, how awesome of these new friends to help!), and my husband made some great work friends who helped each other out. It was absolutely amazing! So many prayers were offered on our behalf. God never STOPS blessing us!

I'm not sure I'm allowed to state the name of a fellow friend/blogger/reader who stepped up with her husband to help us with a possible job in that state and resume help - but they know who they are, and can tell me if they want me to shout from the rooftops how much we love and appreciate them - but they were amazing!!! Seriously, I cry with gratitude. My husband gets choked up. If only we could meet up in person....

It became apparent that the best avenue for jobs were back in our home city. Rumors of jobs in the area above that we wanted, or even in that state just ran dry. Nothing was posted that Hubs could do with his certifications and background. BIG. SIGH. So, hubby and I discerned we would focus back here at home. Thank GOD we have never moved, right??!!! Plus, we still had no idea how this all would play out. Maybe we could still have our river and mountains and forests, right?

So, August and September went on. Hubby applied daily to jobs while working at the plant. He got close to some area jobs, but they did not offer what we needed (at this point, we would have taken the pay amount he had earned at his last job, but the offers were just too low to help us rebuild. We needed about what he made before). The gas card was used up, and while we treasured what the card gave us (and who gave it to us), he needed to stay and save money. So, we didn't see him until the end of September. It was a long two months of not seeing him in person (and barely talking or skyping because of his flip schedule), and I so admire any single parents out there....WOW...what a JOB!!! I was up to 3 months of single parenting/homeschooling and I was in awe of the single moms and dads I knew. Wow. Pray for those in your life, friends! My 3 months alone was NOTHING that so many face daily. Really.  But, God was very good to me and my family.

Hubby FINALLY got to come home around September 14th for a visit. While he was here - he got TWO 2nd interviews (he had done the 1st two by phone). God set him up well, being able to be in town for in person interviews! Both were FANTASTIC opportunities - with one being a lead supervisor position. Hubby had never worked at that level - but he had the experience, and decided to go for it. Obviously, his 1st interview went well enough for the in-person 2nd interview! I was excited for him at both opportunities.

Both interviews went well. He was SOOO excited. It was the happiest I had seen him in months. Then came the week of waiting. He went back and I stayed here with the kids. We heard nothing, and Hubby was given a 3 day break due to overtime. On a whim, he packed up his room in total, and brought everything home. He said it was because he really felt something good was about to happen - BUT he was prepared to take it all back with him that weekend.

Except...he was right. He did not have to head back! As I type this, HE IS HOME WITH US!!! PERMANENTLY!!

He got a call with an incredible job offer! It was the job that was a lead supervisor LAN Admin position. It was like a 3 rung jump on the career ladder for himself. It was a higher position that he had our current city and higher than the job he took out of state that was better than the last. The benefits are great (they start in a month) and his salary was immediate, wonderful, and he has been there working a week now, starting last Monday. He is enjoying it so far. In a few months, he will starting hiring more for his team, and he feels like he should keep pinching himself. He seems to be a good leader as well.

And, you can tell the kids are thrilled:

They ADORE their DAD!!!

I can tell you that the happiest person in the room is NOT shown in the above picture. 

So, AMEN! He is HOME!

AMEN!! He has an incredible job!!

AMEN! We can pay what we owe!

AMEN!! We have enough to save!

Sadly, we are not moving to our "dream" city...yet. We feel God did plant that dream - but He has His Timing in place for when we settle there. We also don't feel the last 3 months were a waste of time. He needed to do this for his resume, his work experience, and obviously for God's bigger plan. He was gone for 3 months at this job for a reason...one we may not know for a while in full, but that we can for now in parts. Perhaps he met people he needed to meet. Perhaps it was to unit people in incredible prayer. Perhaps it was to refine us more. Perhaps it was to make us more grateful. Perhaps it was a lesson in trust and choosing joy.

We may not have the river, but "here" has a mountain nearby, a forest for hiking, and many things to do outside. We are blessed here! 

We still have a move ahead of us. We will eventually be moving from our current condo. All three children share a bedroom now (which is a blessing, and we don't mind a bit....except...when we mind it...) The age gap runs from 2 years old to 9 years old and acquiring an extra bedroom would be lovely as it would mean better sleep! We're praying about what type of housing - apartment/condo, or a house with a yard. A yard seems to be something we are hungering for - but one can save a lot of $ in an apartment/condo. So, we will just look around and pray.

Also, being together means we can work on rebuilding our family again, our marriage, and afford to do marriage counseling again. We sure do need it. I have a deep need for renewed healing and growth with my husband. Retrouvaille  proved to be such a needed part of our foundation and we want to build on that. We did the program while in counseling, so we want to keep up the work and improvement! 

Last week, I was on such a high, feeling relief. Such grace came from this job, right past our year anniversary mark.  It was foreign to feel so lightweight. Starting Friday though, feelings of grief, fear, processing, and such began to occur when I opened a letter notifying my husband about a financial background check for his new job (that obviously he passed - whew! But, was a bad reminder for me of worry). Since then, I am emotional and I cry often. It's obviously part of the 5 stages of grief that I'm allowing myself to feel now that so much of our panic is over. I guess I'm relaxing enough that now I can feel some of the feelings I gave to God before. Maybe I should re-give them to God? HAHA! I want so much for our marriage - trust, equally yoked spiritually (and I can't force that!), peace, partnership, etc. I'm just highly emotional now. In some ways, I feel like I did last September  - so the healing continues. Life is a series of 'there and back' on repeat.

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale (*reference from The Hobbit) is a good title for sure isn't it....both in where we were moving, and in my emotions. But, just like the Hobbit, I am better for the journey. Thanks for being my faithful companions on the journey.

"I am looking for someone to share

 in an adventure that I am arranging..."

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

I am blessed by your support and prayers. Thank you. Love you....and keep praying. If you have any intentions, PLEASE post them in the combox. 

Blessings from "here". 

"If more of us valued food and cheer 

and song above hoarded gold, 

it would be a merrier world."  

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit