Recaping our Therapist Change

So, let me process a bit on what happened with our Catholic therapist.

 

Each time we met, while we initially liked her, I was wondering what her process was. I felt like the 3 times we went, she wasn't clear on why this foreclosure situation was different than most, even though we had told her it was the betrayal of hiding so much. Her assignments were very good about bringing us intimacy – but they didn't focus on the trust issues we have resulting from the foreclosure. It’s like she hadn't really heard or read my words I did on the paperwork that I am a betrayed and scared woman who still doesn’t know what is really going on or how to plan to save us. I finally broke under the latest assignment (dating and cuddling more 15 mins a day) and let her and Hubby know together in an email it was too much for me with all the issues churning underneath. To be fair to her, maybe I did not make it as clear as I did in my emails. But, I know I’ve said them calmly in our 1st and second sessions, and they are in our chart/notes from the FIRST session. She made us list 6 things we were most worried about, and I wrote volumes on those 6 lines. 

 

She questioned my repeated comments each session that we are talking to a certified financial counselor (that we know by first name), and that I’ve been talking to a military officer at our parish that alerted me to some other missed areas we need to work on for Hubby to keep his job contracting with the military. I can see why she was worried or had concerns when she said I was leaning on “other men outside the marriage when Hubby and I need to do our own finances” when she said that direct quote, but it threw me and I addressed it immediately. I did not want her to think I was turning to other men to save me that could lead me to some attraction, or something. 

 

I said she didn’t seem to understand me when I said it was obvious we needed help getting new budget help, payment options, career advice, and starting our lives over and people get paid to be financial advisers. I told her that if women were offering these services, I would use them – gender was not my focus point. I totally can see why she said that...and a woman in my position doesn’t need to get wrapped up with other “men” – but she seemed unclear why we needed financial mentoring because budgeting was so "simple" to her. I told her I felt God was putting people or conversations in my life to educate me on things I have no idea about. Gender never even came into my mind! 

 

Instead of focusing the next 30 minutes on our relationship - she proceeded to teach us about budgeting  - which we know how to do in a basic way. It's the rebuilding and making a payback plan in our budget that we need the help with. It's so overwhelming that professional guidance is needed. I would think if one loses a house, they need real help, right? Or, on a individual couple basis - right? I doubt there is one rule to follow in this complex situation. I thought we would see a therapist for help mending our relationship, spiritually and physically, etc, and also get financial help with other professionals at the same time. I know that our relationship and finances are a bit tangled at this point, but I needed more time spent on WHY has Hubby not shown me these things yet. What am I doing to him to shut him down...what is he doing to himself? Not "how to budget" with a marriage therapist. I would try and point this out (probably not well enough) and things got heated with the therapist. I am shocked at how heated I could get at someone. I'm usually polite to a fault. Oh, I had hot tears of frustration too! I didn't know if I was impeding myself and making up these issues with our therapist, or really seeing an issue that professionaly meant we needed a new therapist. People do try to place blame on other people than themselves in therapy! I was driving myself nuts trying to discern my feelings in that meeting. 

Interestingly, even she (the therapist) was trying to keep composure. She's an older, professional woman. She's very nice, and we went to the same college! So, I was shocked when little things started growing disconcertingly. We had a limited time to work, and issues were just exploding. When I shared my struggle about what to tell my family to keep them from asking/saying too much that could impede our process, etc and she said “I should stop telling them all the bad things about Hubby like I have been doing for years.” I am not sure where she got or assumed this, since at our first meeting I told her I have a very "strong" family that I have had to defend ANY in-law to, and try to create boundaries with - so I've never shared any marital struggle we had. I’m really sensitive about that (trigger!) and I got upset at that, trying to tell her I DON’T tell my extended family anything negative about Hubby. I understand though many women do tell their families too much, so she probably just assumed I did. But, she should know from my paperwork and previous meetings that I don’t tell my extended family much to a fault. But, maybe I assume way too much! I do that! So, this is my fault I am sure.

The last issue that had been popping up at each of our 3 sessions also rubbed me the wrong way. When we lost the house, I assumed it meant that homeschooling was over and I needed to be back to work FULL time as of 'yesterday'. We were surprised when our professional financial person saw a different picture - one that was less grim. Apparently, our basic living plan helped us - paid off cars, no desires for boats or fancy vacations/dinners, a modest home versus a fancy one, or loans to do certain things. We're really simple people. Now, I learned when I lost the house that I should have worked longer if we wanted to stay in that house - but Hubby hid that from me. We bought our house to live on one income - it just happened that with the economy, more children being born to us etc - this was not the house to do the one income in after all, sadly. Had I known that - we could have discerned together whether I should continue working, or MOVE to keep on homeschooling or staying home longer with our children in a home that was really a one income home. Now that we are renters, we are now living way below our means (like I thought we were doing before, but now I can verify it all!). Our financial guy shares our common values and with his knowledge told us while me getting a part time job or tutoring would be smart - we could still homeschool and do what we want to do because we were living so cheaply, while paying back the cards Hubby used in 2-3 years. He said for our situation, we were doing better than many in this situation.  He also said if we wanted to rent a larger space than we are now, he would help us discern if I need to work more to make that happen, but to stay put for now and let the dust settle and re-save money. Childcare is expensive.  

That said, while I am prepared to work if I need to full time, I honestly am hoping to avoid it - but not at the cost to our family! But, I got very burned out at my job before being away from our one child at the time. We have 3 now. Now - if I do work full time, I now know how to ask for help and therapy now as needed (I should have sought out help when I was so overwhelmed working years ago), so I know I could make it work - but it would be something I would morn - but eventually find joy in providing for my family. I just want to be truthful in how I wold feel about it. People have to do things they don't want to do for their family all the time. It is called sacrifice. But being home with my children the last 3 1/2 years has been a GIFT. I PRAY it can continue, and I'm grateful for the chance to still be home and time to discern. 

So, knowing how I feel about it all - I was confused when listening to our therapist. I wondered if I was as delusional as she made me feel. She really insisted I should be working. I get that would make me sad or stressed because we all know I want to work IN the home, not outside of it, but we all know if I need to, I will...as sad as it would make me. From Session One, I told her my feelings, but even with us both telling her our financial guy said we were on track to still homeschool FOR NOW, she has said I need to be working because “it is too risky in this economy for only one person to be working.” She asked me in session two about it again, Hubby even said that our financial guy still had us on that track and he was glad and we've discussed this already. The way she speaks these words trigger me, as they make me one of my family members talking down to me again (MY issue, not my therapist obviously. My flaw, not hers!) She said again basically while we think that, we really should not be as “it is too risky in this economy for families to have one working member, because what if they lose that job?” While that is VERY valid, we told her it was a decision and sacrifice we had made to try, and when we lost the house we assumed I would have to work full time – and we surprised to learn from our financial planner we could keep living small and live that dream for the time being. I’ve told her many times I’ll work – tutor, work part time, full time etc  but, do what our guy advises us. If he says WORK - I'm working. If he says wait and do what you are doing - then by all means, I am so grateful to stay home with my children for now. I have plenty to figure out - like working to add to our retirement too one day!

Anyways, at Session 3 (our last session) - it came up again (mostly because I had learned a new twist with Hubby's job certifications that had me more worried, in a healthy way, to take action to prepare to go back to work). She said regardless of what our financial guy was telling us, times are just different now, that this "isn’t the past when women stayed home. The economy is too risky.” She also said - sarcastically I’m sure – we should just “throw the kids into public school and me get to work.” I didn’t call her on that...and maybe I should. I was just shocked. Again, I don't think she meant that as it came out!

I got really upset and said that as long as we were being truly clear on our finances, that living on one income is a sacrifice many make, and is a calculated risk. She told me again I needed to be working, and “many people work that don’t want to be working.” I said I get that, that I have dear friends who do that, and I have done that and would do it and have told Hubby I would, no matter how miserable I would be - where she jumped in very sarcastic saying “Wow...what pressure to put on Hubby, knowing you would be so upset working.” That HURT me, because that is not my intent. But, I can see her point in pointing that out – so again, I don’t want to deflect blame. The way she said it though took me aback. I said back to her “shouldn’t I be honest with him about my feelings, AND the fact I would work and do what I had to do? I may be miserable, but I would do it, and find things to be positive about it. It is just a grief process for me, on top of losing my home and trust in my husband."

 

Then I asked her was she just talking about Hubby and I, or all couples that choose one incomes? She said again times are just too risky for one person to be home. So I said “What does that mean for our common friends who stay home with their kids while their husbands work?” She did not answer me. So, I’m left with wondering, am I deflecting her advice for ME and need to be responsible, or do she and I have conflict on OPINIONS on working and family choice we are butting heads on that won't really help in marriage therapy? 

 

Ultimately, in praying about it, and talking to some therapist friends of ours, we decided this therapist was not a match for us. It was professional, not personal - and switching to someone else shouldn't be a personal issue - we just focus on what we need in a professional and what we need to challenge us and heal us. I just felt her ways of helping us were getting lost in things that were not really what needed to be addressed first in our marriage therapy sessions.  I could be wrong though, and admit that, very heartily. It helps Hubby agreed too. He felt he was not getting enough challenge, or questions on why he let this happen (and me too!) for his own healing. He wants to figure out why things became like they are. 

So, we start in the new year with a new, recommended, therapist. I am praying this won't happen again, and that it isn't me impeding my process of healing by deflecting anything. I'm so scared it is me. But, I'll trust my gut too - and give it a shot. I just want this to WORK and for this new woman to be our therapist for the long haul so we can really get to work on our relationship, faith, and spiritual connections. 

So...that was my VERY bad Friday. I'm trying to remember it is professional, not personal. I'm also trying to pray that I was not deflecting the process. I also need more from myself, and from Hubby - and someone to bring that out of both of us. There is so much I don't know about Hubby's thoughts in all this, and reasons for his actions - and I'm so scared. 

Please keep praying for us. Any thoughts or advice you have, I would appreciate it!!

Blessings!!!!!!