Wise Words

When I write everything out - almost stream of consciousness - it's my therapy.  It always has been.  I write and write and write and then walk away feeling lighter.  It doesn't really matter what comes after - the feedback part - because my writing is rather selfish.  It's all for me.  I have always felt that writing is so much better than a conversation.  If I sat across the table from someone and spilled my guts - it puts an unspoken pressure on the other person to "say" or "do" or "fix" something.

~ Kate Leong - Chasing Rainbows. 

I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!

All before 11 am.

Whew. What a morning I had.

First up, I went outside to have my morning cup of quiet time (ha!) and found a tree branch "shattered" my fortress of solitude:

How did I not hear this happen? Wait, I probably did but assumed it was this guy...

Picture taken before he got ANOTHER punishment. 

(Beware....total loser mom HONEST and real moment about to be shared with the world)

Yes, this is how I found him AFTER he spent most of the morning in time out locked in his room, and yes a major spanking, because he GOT OUTSIDE (we think my husband forgot to lock the dead bolt this morning- but it appears Gift has learned to play with the locks. I think he went for the stool because I locked the dead bolt after his escape that he could not reach...until now. He can't seem to turn it, but it's time for a 3rd lock - high UP regardless and a door knob lock). He was not out long because it got too quiet thankfully (Lovely and I were schooling down the hall) and I went looking for him, but it was a bit comical after the fear/panic/anger directed at him when I found him outside. I found him at the top of the stairs leading to the parking lot. He was talking to two adults in wheelchairs who were trying to keep him where he was by talking to him because they could not bring him back to my door themselves. Bless them. I have to laugh at the image of what my two neighbors would have done had Gift actually ignored them and made a break for the parking lot in their electric wheelchairs with orange flags chasing down my two year old. Goodness. Sigh.

* I'm not proud of the spanking (I was over spanked as a child - but I support how anyone chooses to parent. I applaud my friends who make it work. I was just talking to one of them about it recently. I'm not the best parent and maybe this is the reason why..har. har.) We do Magic 1-2-3 which has been working with the girls, but my tired self struggled with during my 3 months of single parenting. I admit becoming a reactive parent many times, not pro-active parent. I'm trying to get back on the wagon. But, REALLY - what happened was dangerous. I was frightened, and this is a lesson he needs to learn ASAP. This picture was taken AFTER he was spanked - so obviously we need to keep being consistent. 

Valiant headed back to her old preschool today and joined their 5 day Pre-K program. While I will still take her to our homeschool co-op meeting days for her preK class there, having her be able to have her own time away helps our whole family regain some of our groove lost the last few months. I need time to help regroup and teach Lovely and while homeschooling preK skills for her while teaching Lovely and including Gift was wonderful most of the time - this mommy needs a little break. Thankfully with Hubby's better salary, it is an option for us now! AMEN! Also....look at the picture carefully. It's a good thing Val knows letters A-F these past 2 months LOL!! Sigh.

I don't have pictures for the rest of the morning, but they included a full cup of OJ spilling on the carpet (this whole place is carpeted), me dropping pico de gallo all over the kitchen floor, finding my engagement ring and high school class ring near the kitchen garbage can on top of canned veggies, finding myself arguing with my 9 year old instead of parenting her, and facing a MOUNTAIN of laundry I've been too lazy to do (could have a pic...too ashamed).

Just keeping it real. I am laughing about some of this. Other parts shaking my head at. More parts scheduling confession for. HA!

Life is never boring, and life is STILL GOOD. I am never alone, and I am happy to share this at 2:09pm, because I just didn't have time before 11am.

Blessings!

P.S. Edited to add an image of Gift's time out. He fell asleep after crying and this was the wake he left...

"Clean up...clean up...everybody do your share..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale

“Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

My alternate title? The Post Where I Finally Reveal Everything You Have Prayed For The Last Few Months!

Yes. Really.

So, what do you think of the following pictures (side note: I am SO behind on posting pictures of our summer!!!)?

 

Pretty, right?

How about being a pretty place for children to grow up? A small town by a big river in the foothills of the mountains that ALSO had big city perks, tons of home school support, and so many outdoor activities a young family could soak in???! SCORE!

We were sold on this idea this past year, prayed, and felt it was a place God wanted us eventually and we became open to potential jobs in the area. Obviously, this would mean a move across state lines! My husband really needed and has been wanting for years (silly economy) to move ahead in his IT career and decided this past spring it was the time to look for some upward mobility that working for the government in his past job was not providing. He LOVED his last office, but just was hungering for more opportunity and growth. Since he needed to look, he decided to look where those pictures above were taken - not our state. Yep - we were open to moving!

Within a few months, Hubby had found some great companies and interviewed. He was not looking for any job, but a really good one - one with a raise, etc to make the move a smart one. He got close to one job, but they decided to go within the company. Then in June, he interviewed for another great position. As it became  apparent they wanted to hire him, we spoke with some of our closest friends for advice. The job seemed to be a GREAT opportunity. It was our first job where benefits and salary did not start for 90 days, and a recruiter was involved - but the recruiter did banter with us on making the hourly pay WELL worth our while, and the company who hired my husband promised him a 20% raise with the benefits and salary. After those negotiations, Hubby signed on. Again, this was the end of June. May and June were when I started begging for those prayers. I think April too LOL! Now you know why! Your prayers worked!

We knew we needed to save up his new raise for the big move. So, while he started the new job on July 2nd, we decided we would move as a family in October, and he would come home on weekends to visit and save for the move. My dear friend S did this same arrangement for over a year with her husband, so I knew I could survive and use the same strategies as a single mom during the week. He went ahead and got an extended day hotel room for a good price.

He LOVED the new work. It was in a corporate headquarters for a huge plant operation. He walked on average 6-9 miles a day (so good for his health). He was working with fantastic technology. I kept myself really busy, spending 2 whole weeks as a traveling nanny for my dear, dear, dear C a few hours away. It helped make July so bearable, especially since S moved...taking part of my heart, and my kids' hearts with her family. It was a nice distraction to work, and be in a place with a pool and friends for my kids, and a feeling of true family for me. I'm so grateful for those 2 weeks!

After those 2 weeks of working, the children and I went to visit him for about 13 days. We went to home hunt, enjoy being together, and meet so many new friends in the co-ops I had found for playdates and homeschooling. One person I met at a homeschool co-op "1st Friday" potluck celebration was none other than Haus Frau from Dwelling in Tol Garden!!! How cool is that??!! To meet a fellow reader/blogger??!!! It was very comforting! We bought family passes to the aquarium there, the children's museum, and a gorgeous park. The year anniversary of "our life exploding and losing our home, my husband's health", etc was approaching (September 16th), and it seemed God was granting us the chance to rebuild by that melancholy anniversary. We made some great memories in our future new home:

Looks pretty much like heaven on earth....really...right? 

I mean....look at these colors... look at our future......

Except well....

it is not our future. Except as a vacation spot. 

I see it now as a blessing, but at the time - it felt like a killjoy. But, I never really could get excited about this job. I had this weird feeling we would never move. Now, I see it as God protecting my heart and keeping us from rushing into the move. Hubby learned during that long visit that it looked like the company who hired him was losing their hold, and getting bought out. They told my husband his job might likely end August 31st. (!!!!!) Can they do that? Hire when things look grim and not say anything??!! That is when I did a big plea on this blog, and through email, for prayers. He would have not gotten severance, he had no job to return home to, and we really had not rebuilt savings enough to survive on unemployment. It was....so...so scary. It was a new season of trust and choosing joy for our family, again.

Hubby learned a few days later that it seemed that he and his coworkers WOULD get hired on by the new company (your prayers working people!) - and it seemed like it would be even BETTER than before. For a few more weeks, he worked, very excitedly. We saved extra money just in case this good news failed to last, and we decided to save gas and not have him come home until we knew his job was safe. I radically changed our budget at home, started babysitting part time, etc, but it all seemed to be looking VERY good. He would get hired on with salary and benefits instantly with the new company, there would be a discount on a company van, and we could move sooner to be together!

Heart attack over!!! Right?

Well, apparently I love roller coasters....and my life wanted to copy that thrill ride!

At this point, I was about a month into being a single, SAHM who homeschools and we were doing ok. He was then hired by the new company which dropped a BOMB:

~ They hired MOST everyone (Hubby made the cut with his certifications!) but some lost out.
~ They would slash their pay for 6 months almost 80%.
~ Benefits would cost $900 a month for those 6 months at an 80% pay cut (most opted out).
~ They would work 12 hour shifts, not 8 hr days, and flip day shifts/night shifts each week. EXHAUSTING.

So, really, forget not having the $ to come home - he didn't have the time. And we needed what he could bring in. It was far more than unemployment, and being in a job helps GET a new job. Yes...this meant a NEW job search. AGAIN.

We sent out so many requests for prayers on this blog, prayer circles, emails AGAIN (same song, new refrain). We spent the first few weeks looking for jobs in the area. We so desperately wanted to move there. We had gone to different churches looking for a parish home, I had joined 3 co-ops - one Catholic, one for field trips, one for play. I was getting to know people. They offered prayers and support as well. We felt it was home away from home.

God's hand was at every turn! A chance meeting when hanging out by the river with the sister of an old high school friend of my husband (lol!) lead to a cheaper place to stay (a rented room at their home versus the extended day hotel saving hundreds), another friend's church gave us a gas card for a visit and a Kr*ger card, our new co-ops all sent us information on possible jobs opening up (even though the jobs never did, how awesome of these new friends to help!), and my husband made some great work friends who helped each other out. It was absolutely amazing! So many prayers were offered on our behalf. God never STOPS blessing us!

I'm not sure I'm allowed to state the name of a fellow friend/blogger/reader who stepped up with her husband to help us with a possible job in that state and resume help - but they know who they are, and can tell me if they want me to shout from the rooftops how much we love and appreciate them - but they were amazing!!! Seriously, I cry with gratitude. My husband gets choked up. If only we could meet up in person....

It became apparent that the best avenue for jobs were back in our home city. Rumors of jobs in the area above that we wanted, or even in that state just ran dry. Nothing was posted that Hubs could do with his certifications and background. BIG. SIGH. So, hubby and I discerned we would focus back here at home. Thank GOD we have never moved, right??!!! Plus, we still had no idea how this all would play out. Maybe we could still have our river and mountains and forests, right?

So, August and September went on. Hubby applied daily to jobs while working at the plant. He got close to some area jobs, but they did not offer what we needed (at this point, we would have taken the pay amount he had earned at his last job, but the offers were just too low to help us rebuild. We needed about what he made before). The gas card was used up, and while we treasured what the card gave us (and who gave it to us), he needed to stay and save money. So, we didn't see him until the end of September. It was a long two months of not seeing him in person (and barely talking or skyping because of his flip schedule), and I so admire any single parents out there....WOW...what a JOB!!! I was up to 3 months of single parenting/homeschooling and I was in awe of the single moms and dads I knew. Wow. Pray for those in your life, friends! My 3 months alone was NOTHING that so many face daily. Really.  But, God was very good to me and my family.

Hubby FINALLY got to come home around September 14th for a visit. While he was here - he got TWO 2nd interviews (he had done the 1st two by phone). God set him up well, being able to be in town for in person interviews! Both were FANTASTIC opportunities - with one being a lead supervisor position. Hubby had never worked at that level - but he had the experience, and decided to go for it. Obviously, his 1st interview went well enough for the in-person 2nd interview! I was excited for him at both opportunities.

Both interviews went well. He was SOOO excited. It was the happiest I had seen him in months. Then came the week of waiting. He went back and I stayed here with the kids. We heard nothing, and Hubby was given a 3 day break due to overtime. On a whim, he packed up his room in total, and brought everything home. He said it was because he really felt something good was about to happen - BUT he was prepared to take it all back with him that weekend.

Except...he was right. He did not have to head back! As I type this, HE IS HOME WITH US!!! PERMANENTLY!!

He got a call with an incredible job offer! It was the job that was a lead supervisor LAN Admin position. It was like a 3 rung jump on the career ladder for himself. It was a higher position that he had our current city and higher than the job he took out of state that was better than the last. The benefits are great (they start in a month) and his salary was immediate, wonderful, and he has been there working a week now, starting last Monday. He is enjoying it so far. In a few months, he will starting hiring more for his team, and he feels like he should keep pinching himself. He seems to be a good leader as well.

And, you can tell the kids are thrilled:

They ADORE their DAD!!!

I can tell you that the happiest person in the room is NOT shown in the above picture. 

So, AMEN! He is HOME!

AMEN!! He has an incredible job!!

AMEN! We can pay what we owe!

AMEN!! We have enough to save!

Sadly, we are not moving to our "dream" city...yet. We feel God did plant that dream - but He has His Timing in place for when we settle there. We also don't feel the last 3 months were a waste of time. He needed to do this for his resume, his work experience, and obviously for God's bigger plan. He was gone for 3 months at this job for a reason...one we may not know for a while in full, but that we can for now in parts. Perhaps he met people he needed to meet. Perhaps it was to unit people in incredible prayer. Perhaps it was to refine us more. Perhaps it was to make us more grateful. Perhaps it was a lesson in trust and choosing joy.

We may not have the river, but "here" has a mountain nearby, a forest for hiking, and many things to do outside. We are blessed here! 

We still have a move ahead of us. We will eventually be moving from our current condo. All three children share a bedroom now (which is a blessing, and we don't mind a bit....except...when we mind it...) The age gap runs from 2 years old to 9 years old and acquiring an extra bedroom would be lovely as it would mean better sleep! We're praying about what type of housing - apartment/condo, or a house with a yard. A yard seems to be something we are hungering for - but one can save a lot of $ in an apartment/condo. So, we will just look around and pray.

Also, being together means we can work on rebuilding our family again, our marriage, and afford to do marriage counseling again. We sure do need it. I have a deep need for renewed healing and growth with my husband. Retrouvaille  proved to be such a needed part of our foundation and we want to build on that. We did the program while in counseling, so we want to keep up the work and improvement! 

Last week, I was on such a high, feeling relief. Such grace came from this job, right past our year anniversary mark.  It was foreign to feel so lightweight. Starting Friday though, feelings of grief, fear, processing, and such began to occur when I opened a letter notifying my husband about a financial background check for his new job (that obviously he passed - whew! But, was a bad reminder for me of worry). Since then, I am emotional and I cry often. It's obviously part of the 5 stages of grief that I'm allowing myself to feel now that so much of our panic is over. I guess I'm relaxing enough that now I can feel some of the feelings I gave to God before. Maybe I should re-give them to God? HAHA! I want so much for our marriage - trust, equally yoked spiritually (and I can't force that!), peace, partnership, etc. I'm just highly emotional now. In some ways, I feel like I did last September  - so the healing continues. Life is a series of 'there and back' on repeat.

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale (*reference from The Hobbit) is a good title for sure isn't it....both in where we were moving, and in my emotions. But, just like the Hobbit, I am better for the journey. Thanks for being my faithful companions on the journey.

"I am looking for someone to share

 in an adventure that I am arranging..."

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

I am blessed by your support and prayers. Thank you. Love you....and keep praying. If you have any intentions, PLEASE post them in the combox. 

Blessings from "here". 

"If more of us valued food and cheer 

and song above hoarded gold, 

it would be a merrier world."  

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

More on my "Lost" Pride.

So, I posted the other day on being sad about my lost pride.

In talking about this, a point was brought up that I probably felt a loss of pride in my husband because others had (my immediate family). This was an excellent point that I could understand this person saw - but it was a rare moment of being wrong for them (*wink!*). It made me realize I had more to blog about to help myself, and others (including my husband who reads this blog and gives me his blessing on each post) understand my battle to be proud of him again.

While it is true I have some very strong extended family influences who don't like my husband currently for what he "did" to us - those influences have ALWAYS felt that way since we were married about 2 years. These family members loved him while we dated, and in the newly wedded stage. But, things started to go downhill after a couple of years of marriage. Some of my family didn't respect him because he didn't seem to be able to want or could provide a life of luxury in the corporate world (this was a joint decision on our parts!). I spent 8 years defending him at family gatherings or private discussions. In those 8 years, their words never had me feel any lack of pride in him, or our choices and goals for our family - be ever so modest as they are. In fact, lately I have spent ALL of the time defending him and the decision to stay married to him to them since the fallout in September. If I have a grievance with him, I don't tell the family members I can't trust or are too close to us to stay level headed. It just is not wise (is it ever?). So, I save it for the family members who can handle it, or our dearest friends.

About our dearest friends  - my husband has not lost any respect with them. I can't tell you the blessing of having so many people stand with him when it all came out. Certain family members made it real clear that  "MY" friends were the ones who came to pack us, shelter us, feed us, and move us. In reality - it was mostly OUR friends and his friends. Our male friends reached out to me to give a male perspective on how this could have happened so I would understand better and perhaps forgive him faster. The men in our lives "got it" - got how this could happen, while many of the females in our lives were left utterly confused and angry. No one excused my husband for it - but they understood how he dropped the ball and hid all his juggling. These people  - our friends, church and community, have never stopped caring or see him as less of a man. They are still proud of him. They are proud we are fighting for marriage. He is highly respected at work. He is an AMAZING hands on dad.

What I was trying to blog about in that post, was the fact that I'm struggling with feeling that romantic pride most wives feel. In some regards we are NOW dedicated, married roommates - trying to find each other attractive and flirty and all that stuff AGAIN. As we struggle (and this is a two was street, I'm sure my lack of pride translates to him and isn't a big turn on in the "dating department") I find myself seeing other people's marriages as pedestal worthy (when, I'm sure that I'm over romanticizing them..lol) and start to covet the actions I see sweet husbands doing for their wives - or how proud the women are around their husbands - witty/sweet banter, PDA, glances, etc. We ARE dating. We had never dated well once the kids were born so we are now making this our first priority -  getting out often for couple time. But we find ourselves very quiet while eating dinner, etc. I will say, this is when dialoguing (the technique from Retrouvaille) comes in REALLY handy, since it opens the door to communicating. I just covet the seemingly effortless marital dynamics from other couples. They just seem to have solid pride in each other....and I feel we (I) lack that. That was what I was trying to say in my last post. No one is coloring my view of Hubby - I just don't know how to word it. Maybe pride is the wrong word?

Maybe I just miss being a uncomplicated newlywed? And since this really broke us open, I miss how easy it is to just fall into his arms? Maybe he's still feeling shame and has a hard time opening his arms to me? Maybe it is less about pride and more about being able to trust?

I hope this clarified...I'm sorry I confused people with that post. It's hard to word complicated and FOREIGN feelings.

Much love, and thanks for the comments and prayers. I'm incredibly blessed - not just being married to a GOOD man, but being supported by an amazing body of Christ out there!

And...to you reading...thanks for loving and being proud of my husband. That carries him, and me. What a delight and a saving grace. THANK YOU!!!

Two really sweet people fell in love...

...sweet, but with little street smarts and loved living under their little rock.

That's how I feel about Hubby and I. We are both really sweet people (I judge, lol) who together have created a really sweet family. We came from broken pasts and small self-confidences and together felt we could heal and create something wonderful.

Blessedly, we are still healing and creating something - something wonderful. It's just feels that lately it is the blind leading the blind. Two really sweet, but blind people. Luckily, blind can mean we trust what we can't see - that means we have a strong faith. I have never doubted God loves, and has, we two very sweet people in His hands. It's just meeting Him halfway in the world these past few years is what I feel we haven't done very well on. I feel we have spiritual smarts, but not street smarts. Apparently, we prefer rocks to paved streets.

I mean, I know what plans we did have in place, I know what we did. I know we lived with purpose an vision. I'm a little lost on how I missed things were not being done as I could see - and that personal blame is hard is move past. And, since I still feel lost since the fallout back in September - I guess I feel stuck. In making new game plans, rescue plans, survival plans I realize how "behind the times" I am.

I am also ashamed to say I miss my little rock I lived under. I miss feeling secure, only focused on home schooling, playing in the backyard, playdates, and co-op. I miss not feeling weighed down, being happy, feeling lighthearted. I miss seeing unicorns and sunbeams praying as I breathe in thanksgiving, and feeling connected to God in my "happy way". Life has become such an effort from the moment I wake. I nap a lot now. I'm sleeping much of the time I'm not solely responsible for the kids. I don't think I've admitted that out loud to any friends. I obviously can still feel joy, laugh and function - so I don't think I'm in some deep dark depression. But, I certainly find myself not pushing myself to do more than basic house work (and before all this, being a neat freak was my life), good home schooling, and sleeping. I'm so behind on laundry! What's exercise outside of family hikes and perhaps a little Zumba on the Wii once a full moon?  I've even gotten lax on tracking what I eat on Weight Watchers. I'm down 15 lbs, but my progress has slowed down.

I feel so comfortable in bed. I feel safe, warm, and oh! I can escape. I can read in bed, or just escape in my dreams. Waking stinks. The knowledge that I'm sleeping away my son's toddler hood instead of playing with him more often than I do makes me more sad. Thank God for home schooling, or my interaction would be far more limited with my 8 year old. I'm so thankful for the extra attention my 3 year old gets at preschool. It's quite sobering. I'm just used to our old life - constant energy, constant joy, constant exploration of our God given world. Somehow, a comfy warm bed has become my fortress.

I also feel trapped by where we live. I have written much about the blessing of the condo we were able to move into. Fall was nice here; winter long. Then spring came, and while that should refresh me with the beauty of the weather (and our lovely back porch) - it hasn't. Apparently, during the cold months, some interesting new neighbors moved in, and now the warm weather is bringing out some interesting people I have noticed - not the kids (the kids are never outside). I'm getting the itch to move. Yet, moving is expensive, and we were hoping this place would be our transition home to a move to a new city for a fresh start. It is looking like God has plans to keep us here in our current location instead. I am hoping to buy us some more time here by adding some protection to our home while we save money for a move and a place that may require 1st month/last month rent and security deposits. Luckily, we know all our immediate neighbors, and they are kind people. Recently, we worked together on some "community watch" issues, and that was good. Still, I know we need to move.

I've been looking at local homes for rent, and they are just more pricey in our area than places we had looked to move away to. So, we could be looking at apartment living. Or...another place I have a lead on. We're going Thursday to look at a home we could "house sit" for up to a year for a family. It would be a furnished home that we would care take for an amount we could afford to pay. I just need to see what they pay in utilities. I like the option of a year lease in a home like this because we could keep our items stored and ready for a move if a job came up Hubby wanted. I could easily stay behind with the kids to honor this lease, and we could move slowly and save moving costs. Sadly, if we accept a possible offer to take this house - we could not move in till August. So, that leaves me putting up with the neighborhood till then. I pray I can do that. I'd appreciate prayers in that regard.

I will say the house/apartment searching have cheered me a little. I guess I feel like I have more control in the choosing where we go, and that feels more like "home" than how we came to be in our current place. And, I feel so terrible saying that - because this place has been a BLESSING. How everything fit, how it was readily available to house us, etc. How selfish am I for feeling this way? God had a plan for us to be here....and I allow it to depress me? Ugh. I think about how worse things could be for us....sick children, a sick husband, cancer, infections, hospital stays - and I realize just how good I have it. I would take this cross over any other. One of my dear friends reminds me constantly that this "is a season" and it will pass. Yet...I want to nap the struggle away? I want to sleep the joy away? I need to slap myself and grab the reins of life again and find the joy, even if I don't "feel" the happiness. I think about my neighbors and how they don't have the choice to move; that this was their daily life before we ever moved here. This is a lesson in solidarity with my fellow human.  The people around us are all God's children. I need to be as respectful as I am cautious.

So, please keep praying for us. Pray for us naive, sweet people. Pray we find the course and plan for it well. Pray we strongly grasp the reins of our worldly lives, while still giving God the ultimate control.

I'll never be able to go back under my rock. I'm not sure that in my search for a new home that it should be a rock to hide under. It might need to be a city on a hill (Matthew 5:14), or just a new roof over our heads with plenty of windows to clearly see out of. And...I wouldn't mind prayers for more self-confidence. I want some sassy with the sweet. ;)

Much love!

In Love :) Also, waiting for balance...

Life is soooo wonderful! I'm blessed with a great, growing family, and what seems to be another easy going baby. I'm not sure how I've deserved this. Maybe typing this will jinx me and reality will hit? hehe.

Gift even seems to know day and night, and figured it out early. Now, this does not mean I'm sleeping at night - he still LOVES to eat, and eat....and eat. But, it is so strange to not have to walk the house at night with a confused baby. Strange...but awesome! No complaints here. In fact, I feel sheepish sharing when I have "down" moments because things are going so well. Parenting wise, I feel really relaxed - I think being relaxed helps your baby feel relaxed? Or maybe the more kids one has, the easier babyhood gets? I've never felt more blessed either. I love our growing family...we all seem to be here for a reason. In fact, if we simply had a bigger car and could afford the bigger car now, I might be tempted to try and have another baby sooner....our family is really gel-ing (gelling?). But I know an easy newborn helps those feelings exist...otherwise I could be more stressed and pulling my hair out. Plus, I just love the newborn phase. I could just keep having newborns to just snuggle with and love on and breathe their baby smells....hehe!!

There IS a flipside to being in love...I'm getting tired of the progesterone plummet. I am feeling EVERY thing 2000% more, and each baby makes me forget how sensitive I get postpartum until they arrive and the hormones hit for a time. Then, talking about it makes me feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing. I'm not horribly depressed, or even really down - it's still those anxieties and worries. It's just those baby blues. The pesky blues. If friends come over to visit, or I talk - I'm not down. I get a real boost. Close friends may even wonder if I'm really blue-sy since I'm happy to see them and talk lol. It just the timing. I actually went about 3 days feeling great, and I was hoping the hormone balance was back - but today they hit again...so BOO! Most of it seems to come when I think too hard about being fully present for our older kids. Lovely really does not like it when I doze off, or take naps, and Valiant really likes when I can do things with her - but as a healing, nursing, "not getting 5-8 hours sleep anymore" mom - it is difficult to be fully "with it" 2 weeks after the baby is here. I feel like I'm letting them down, missing great moments, etc. But...hubby came to the rescue, and we decided to get out and about to help all of us. We went to the mall to walk, people watch, fountain watch (Lovely LOVES to watch the big fountain lol), go to the book store, and practice packing our small family car with 3 kids in it LOL!

We'll have to be creative until we can get a van. We talked to our pediatrician and got some tips for how to fit Lovely in our car while keeping her safe, yet her weight/height/age being legal enough to not need a booster if we can belt her in appropriately. That way there is more room for the other car seats. If we don't like what we're doing now, we'll try some carseats meant for triplets hehe. I'm just a carseat snob so figuring out what to do with out 6 1/2 year old and doing it SAFELY is my biggest worry. It is VERY hard to for me to let her not be in some sort of seat...but apparently there are safe options out there her doctor approves of, that firemen mention, etc. Mommy just needs to trust them..ha. ha. ha.

It was SO NICE to get out. Here are some funny pics from our "Clown Car" - where we arrive somewhere and we keep piling out of a tiny care, hehe!


Hubby packing a double stroller in!


Our Back Seat O' Kids...


It was a good day. Now, I need to sneak back to bed....baby is back to sleep! I need to take advantage. My "me" moments come at weird times now, hehe! Still working on the birth story....that takes more time and thought it seems....

Sweet dreams!

Personal Disclaimer

Hey All! I just need some therapy release posting. So, I'm making a disclaimer for my past week and weekend. Blogging is such a HELP.

You know how I KNOW when pregnancy hormones (coupled with my daily anxiety issues that happen any time lol) are afoot?

When I've had:

~ a great week, with wonderful friends and time with my family.
~ a wonderful friend and her kids come stay the weekend with my family. A friend who, like my friends here, really understands me and accepts me - even when I'm "losing it" lol.
~ a fabulous husband who is such a help.
~ quality time to read, nap, pray, and reflect when I feel stressed and hormonal....
~ a wonderful time with my parents and family - and know deep down how blessed I am by them even when things can be tough.
~ a BLAST at the local indoor water park!
~ a great girlie movie night and fun family moments with our friends this weekend.

And I STILL end up feeling:

~ scatterbrained.
~ slow to act on things I need to do (like I'm slow processing things).
~ over-talkative to EVERYONE.
~ down.
~ tired no matter what time of day it is.
~ an inconsistent parent on display.
~ ANXIOUS (about my house, my actions, my words, my "am I enough" voices in my head).
~ insecure.
~ wondering if I'm only feeling this way because of hormones, lack of rest, my "usual personal issues" - or if people ARE noticing these things that see me daily. Or, do they not notice, but my running mouth (or apologies, etc) calls their attention to it. I promise, I'm working on it if you have.

So, it has to be pregnancy related to feel this burdened currently. So much is pumping through my body now. I'm also more emotional when nursing too. It's like all my feelings are put under a magnifying glass and I feel them even more. It's frustrating.

Anyways....

I feel I never could relax myself with family and friends this week and with my incredible friend C while she was here. I was on edge, anxious, and insecure. I just want to relax, but can't seem too. I have this HUGE urge to both nest, nest, nest, clean, clean, clean, and then....nap, nap, nap. Napping wins, so I feel behind, and then I just feel my week goes kaput. I just wanted a good weekend for my friends too - and I hope they did get it.

Anyhow - not sure how to word it. But I haven't really been "all there" or I have had my emotional moments. I regret them, and am trying to regain my footing. It just is my week, and I wanted to just toss it out there. It helps to blog it here and release it. Really.

So, for what it is worth - thanks for reading it and playing along. Gotta love these last emotional weeks of pregnancy! So exciting, confusing, and magnifying at the same time!!

Much love (and thanks)!

Looking back at 2009 - Looking ahead to 2010

I love this time of year....New Year's Eve. It isn't about the annual party we throw which thrills us with a house full of loved ones (kids too!) to ring in a new year - though that is awesome. It's usually all the reflecting I hear and read about that makes me want to also strive in goal making for the fresh new year. It also makes me reflect back to see if I met any of the goals/resolutions I made the previous Eve.

I used to just make resolutions - but I found I broke them. I used to do this college. Now I "resolve" to make goals...and for some reason - this helps!

In early 2009, I started blogging in a way to help me have a place to focus on the 2009 goals I made. I'll copy and paste a few things here from those early entries and goal making:

1st- about me...
Wanna join me for the journey? Well than, welcome to your (hopefully) daily dose of a Rose-y (hehe) Outlook on Life. The name fits, for many reasons, the obvious and not so obvious. It fits our family unit, as well as my view on the world. I'm an optimist, spiritual "God's got me even if I struggle with letting go" happy go lucky, life is good and what you make of it, sunshiny gal. Life IS good, and I'd rather look at things happily, and have an er, ahem...rosy outlook on the life I've been given. Even though the flip side of me is a worrier, and I struggle at embracing a pure confidence in many things, I still prefer at the end of the day to embrace the good, because life is too short. I'm reminded every day. We need to find the joy - work at it if we have to. And, I have to use my brain, heart, and soul to do this - with a lot of help and faith.

So - there was my intro on me. When 2008 was passing away, and it was the Eve of 2009 - I made a goal. I wanted to work on that more worrisome side of me. I wanted to try to become a stronger, more confidant person. The person I felt 95% of the time. The person who was infused with faith and PEACE and optimism after a day with family, time with God, uplifting Mass, fun with friends, or even with a cross that I bear KNOWING God carried me, or waking up and knowing I was taken care of; that worrying was pointless because it lead to fear and doubt, and that isn't what life is about. Life is about living without taking things for granted and how precious our gifts are, because life is short!

People who know me know I'm an optimist, happy, and God trusting. I've been tested many times and I know God is there for me. I actually feel Him most during those "drop to my knees" times and I'm so grateful for those times. Yet...one thing I wanted to work on in 2009 was dealing with the "smaller crosses" of life and letting go of my fears and letting God make me the confidant woman He wants me to be! How is it I do so well with big crosses (illness, job loss, strife) but the daily little ones sink me? I was hurt a ton in my past, and currently deal with some harsh but caring extended family members. The result is I battle insecurities daily - even when I know God can just take those from me if I let Him. I felt in 2008 (and maybe because in 2008 I was pregnant or nursing - thus more emotional, hormonal, post partum, and tired) I was giving in to my worries on a daily basis. I questioned what I said to people, did, thought, or what others did or said towards me. I worried about my family, I let negative family comments get to me and affect how I felt about myself and parenting. I felt all I vented to trusted friends was just "me me me me me" (I still battle that - friends reading this...I love you and thank you for being that listening ear - I'm going to keep working on it for 2010!). I wanted to let that go in my life and be open to the GOOD. Be whole!

So, New Year's Eve, before 2009, I resolved these goals:

1. Work more on letting go, letting God with my daily worries, small crosses, and insecurities.
2. Embracing each day.
3. Focus on quality time with my girls and husband.
4. Becoming more prayerful and doing more "quiet time" and reflective reading.

I know journaling helps people stay focused on their goals, as well as create an outlet for their feelings so they can process, release, and find a way to move forward. I decided to blog in Feb of this year to help me find that focus, and feel like I had a place to vent that wasn't always a friend whose valuable time I was using up LOL! Also, blogging was great for me because I could post the POSITIVES in my life - pictures, family events, my kids, etc and know that during my day I DID do something good for my family. My anxiety would make me think I had wasted the day, or didn't spend time with my girls or husband. Blogging these great moments and seeing them add up helped me see I was living out my calling. I think most bloggers do that. It's why sometimes we as readers think a blogger's life is perfect - and it is not....they are just capturing the good moments and memories. They struggle with all the stresses we do - they just try and remember the good times. So blogging helped me greatly with those goals of seeing my life more clearly and blessed. A true gift where each day is precious and short.

When I look over the blog, I see where I quoted from my readings, or from other inspirational places, the bible, friends, family, or famous quotes and they have helped me so much. I see the pictures of our family moments, or Daybooks capturing my little moments, or venting entries that gave me emotional release. I've felt I've stayed accountable to that 2009 goal list. Sure, I've fallen a few times, but I have made it a constant focus of improvement.

When I talk to my husband and friends (well, BEFORE getting pregnant with #3) I ask them if I seem better, talking less about my worries etc. Did they see me as a little more peaceful than in 2008? Most reactions seemed positive - though I was warned to not expect to CHANGE myself - God made me who I am - the parts that make me a worrier or a prey to anxiety also make me a great listener, empathic to others, accepting and loving of others - maybe even a challenge to others with my perspective. I just need to keep working on finding that balance. I really think I was/am doing better job at letting go. Now, getting pregnant (YAY!!) has brought back some of those hormones that mess with me, brought out some "great" (sarcasm) extended family comments lol, and some of those inner voices that make me worry about everything...but I feel stronger! I feel more empowered to take on those anxieties. I may freak a little, but if I reflect, pray, write, or call someone - I can release faster than I did before. I take that as a step in the right direction. I'm letting Go, Letting God a little more every day.

One New Year's reflection I got a lot out of and made me write this post was Jennifer's entry. She lists 7 lessons from 2009. Most of them were really great for me. I'll do MY take on her list - paraphrasing her titles:

1. Taking Care of oneself physically helps everything else...I have found this year that working out more, or walking, has helped me deal with all those inner voices. When I am stronger in body, I find I can be more focused on my spirit. Endorphins or energy help one focus 'Above'. I lost about 23 pounds (before getting pregnant) that really renewed me. Mind, spirit, and body DO work together to help us hear God and feel Him. It's empowering!

2. Rethinking Gratitude...Jennifer is so right - if you lose the "If only's" and try to be grateful for what comes your way (or a HIDDEN blessing from a hard road or cross) it is easier to be happy. I also try to adopt a "Why NOT me" attitude when things (good OR bad) happen instead "why me?." It really helps the spirit!

3. Trusting God does make things work out! HAHA - That is TOTALLY what I've been working on this year, and when I can do it...it is SO true!

4. Avoiding snacks and toys in church....Well, lol...we do use those things in small quiet doses, so I can't really relate to what she wrote, aside from the fact we don't take in many toys, and when I had a baby shower for Lovely, someone told me to adopt the "shopping cart" mentality with church. "You NEVER want to let your kids out of the shopping cart or you'll never get them back in - same goes for the pew. Keep crawlers and walkers in your lap or the pew chairs because if they learn they can move around in the pews, then they'll really push your buttons in getting you to take them out, or distract others from welcoming your kids in church." It has worked for both my girls (who knows why!) and both are pretty calm church goers. If I have needed to stand up with a fussy little one - I usually don't have to go far, and I don't let them down. I just hold them, then come back and sit down. Our new pastor actually prefers us to STAY in the sanctuary. He doesn't like us being separated from Mass and welcomes the noises of children. How else will little ones learn if they can't be a part of the community (toys, snacks, books, and all). I LOVE that!!!!!!

5. Expecting others to fill you up....As a girl who battles this.....her #5 rule is SO true!!! Sometimes I look for affirmation from family members over and over and don't and get crushed. Only God is perfect and always there for you...so why do I stress? HAHA - easier for me to say than for me to do. I value others so much because of my past LOL! A new goal for 2010.....

6. "The root of stress is usually fear...." AMEN!!! That is a lesson I have figured out this year!!! I'm taking it with me to work on in 2010!

7. The Poop Fates...HAHA - this one was just too funny. And, a lesson I already learned. Poop, and anything else, can happen to you and the kids ANYTIME...hehehe! That REALLY goes for stomach bugs too! Never say never!

So thanks Jennifer for the reflection!!

Ok - so what am I resolving for 2010? Here are my goals (in no particular order):

1. To continue working on letting go, and trusting. If those anxieties take hold, I need to acknowledge them, then let them go somehow to God. That is true empowerment to me. I know I can do more growth here. Blogging, praying, and knowing who to talk to and challenge me helps as well.

2. Continue to put health on the list - cook better, eat better, exercise and encourage my family to do the same. 2009 was our best year yet for this - I know 2010 can rock this too!

3. Keep working on my prayer life, and praying with my Hubby and girls. It will help us all stay fresh and renewed.

4. THIS IS MY BIG ONE - last year, I worked on me dealing with the little crosses and letting go, letting God more. This year, I want also turn my focus of self improvement outward towards my spouse and family. I want to work on building up my family. So often I find myself treating others with more respect than my Hubby. I want to work on how I respond to my children's needs. I want to be secure in how they are being raised. I want to point out their talents as much as I point out their little friends' talents. I also want to make my extended family more of a priority with family time - even with the undercurrents of strive at times. Life is just TOO short. Sometimes the people we know love us unconditionally are the people we don't put 1st enough because they love us unconditionally. I want to improve that this coming year.

5. I want to continue making family traditions, discoveries, and values. 2009 has been such a blast exploring what worked for us and next year will be just as great, especially with a little newborn boy in the mix!

6. Looking to God to affirm me, not others. My love language is "words of affirmation" so this will be HARD to do (one of my hardest)....but I can't let those harsh comments get me down, or live for others. I need to blaze the trail I'm called to carve!

So there you have it....looking back to 2009, and looking ahead to 2010. I feel SO blessed! We never know how long we have, so today is all we can aim for...and I strive that each day we're given in 2010 will be a day I'm not taking for granted, and where I see all the rich blessings I've been given even in the small and big crosses which WILL come.

Much love and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Enjoy this fresh new start!!!