A Rosey Outlook on Life: December 2013

Tonight I went to bed at 8:30pm. I then got a massive sinus headache, and tossed and turned for a few hours. I read blogs for the FIRST time in months. Then, I finally gave up, gotten out of bed, and I've come blurry eyed to my blog to check in.

So...pull up a cup of tea perhaps?

Picture from right after I got home from work. One of my "new" thrift store china cups.

Face it, tea or coffee or hot cocoa just taste better in some sort of delicate china! Right? You know it.

First - Happy Advent to you!!!!

Next...STOP reading. Go RIGHT now to the comment section. UPDATE ME PLEASE on yourselves. Are you still there? Am I still on a blog roll? I will be honest, I have not read any blogs since July until a quick skim tonight. My last post was in September. Who is pregnant? Who had a baby? Who faced a crisis I didn't pray for you through? Who has celebrations? Connect with me over that tea.

Ok, now that you've done that....what have I been doing?

I have been teaching middle school. I will start with the fact that I love it. I will add that I also struggle with it.
Middle school is a much better fit for me than high school - at least with the time I have with my family to devote to the vocation that it is. The school is a fabulous fit for me. My classes are TINY, the school is TINY, and for a girl who thrives on personal connection with the people around her to a FAULT, God has me in the right place. God is good ALL the time.
I'm inspired by the school and my students. I want to do an amazing job for them.
I'm amazed this school was started by 2 moms with no experience in schooling aside from homeschooling a little when their county let them down in public school.
It's a privilege to work there. I'm very much a 1st year teacher again, making mistakes, feeling pressure to be better...but it is not the same stress of perfectionism I had at my high school post. I struggle with feeling like I'm not the person they interviewed. Being a 1st year teaching again at the middle school level and its learning curve has thrown me.
I miss that I'm not at a Catholic school.
I'm grateful for a school of REALLY good and moral people. We're diverse, but the same in many ways. It's a safe place for my kids to be, and we just carry Jesus every where we go ourselves.
I am so grateful to sleep at night again with the peace of bringing in some extra income/savings.
I'm still not sleeping enough because of lesson planning, ha! But, the quality of sleep is better than the quantity I had before in naps and sleep before with my anxiety and depression.
That said, I've shed many a tear this semester - at school, and at home over teaching. It's been better since September/October.
This school, if we have to attend school and me work to help our family, is a great match for Lovely so far in 4th grade, and the school next door is FANTASTIC for the younger kids. A blessing!
I miss homeschooling.
I detest homework.
Hubby misses homeschooling.
But, I'm not a depressed mom, only doing the basics outside of co-op on our school days. So...my kids are getting a better education currently. 3rd grade for Lovely was ROUGH.
I'm still battling depression and anxiety.
I have yo-yo-ed in my weight loss. Recently I've gained back to where I was when I started. ~~Awesome.~~ It sucks. But, I'm getting back on track this week.
I'm working on getting the right dosage AND the right therapy for me. Still, I'm really tired of the duality I live - when with loved ones or friends - I am happy. When not distracted - I'm anxious, down, and get tempted to think "When we move, I'll be better. Next weekend I'll be a better mom. Next summer will be better. I'll do more faith traditions and crafts next year/feast/season." Damn it....why am I living in the future? God has been so faithful. We all are HEALTHY. My children are HEALTHY. We're stable. When I catch myself procrastinating motherhood, wifehood, bedtime stories, bedtime prayers, family nights, feast days etc, I want to slap my cheek and say "When one of the kids gets very sick, or Hubby, and you are constantly 24/7 in caretaking mode, you will rue the day you took the present for granted." It works for a little while...till I slide. My battles rise and fall with my cycle for sure. It's a balance to take the right herbs or vitamins at the right time, or the right medication for my hormones. But...we're getting there. I'm learning to "turn the other cheek" on myself and be more forgiving instead of slapping myself. It's a process, when I feel the last 2 years has been a fog and I wonder what price my family is paying.
One of the best cures for me, is cleaning my condo. When it is clean, I am sane. It got bad the 12 weeks of school before break. But, last week provided some major purging time. AMEN!! I LOVE Pinterest, and I feel intimidated and weighed down by Pinterest too. Then, I remember I'm the one who lets it inspire or drown me. So, I choose to mostly succeed at letting it inspire.
I miss running. I'm good if I get out 2-3 times a week. Working on more. I did a 5k race a few weeks back - and I ran it in 38 mins! Not too shabby for poor training! Lovely needs more running too.
I have started weekly Adoration. In the last few weeks when I go on Tuesday evenings, it is a powerful balm for my soul. I've been going for a month or more, and everything is better with work, marriage, my struggles, etc. That's no coincidence. I know Jesus is everywhere, and I breathe my conversations to him 18 hours a day it feels like, but the opportunity of Adoration? Physically centered on Him? Powerful.
The kids are thriving. Lovely will mention she misses homeschooling because it is harder, but doesn't want to leave her school. It's been great for her confidence and social skills. Gift and Valiant are vibrant and amazing. Like I said...God has us where He wants us for now. The peace I have from that clarity is priceless and about the only peace I have these days aside from a nice break from financial strains.
I miss our church co-op and friends. I need a night out with them soon.
Working has sadly limited us from seeing our extended family more, but there is an odd peace that comes with that. Still some stress - but, we'll take the bigger gaps in between drama. If I think too much, I get sad because I think for one member of my family, they see the school Lovely and I attend and work in as a step up from homeschooling, and a status symbol with its zipcode. But, one can't dwell on that.
My father turned 90 in October. My mother is almost 77. I try to savor how healthy and active they are, and how much they love their grandchildren and still offer sleep overs, carpools, and come to any event at either school. How many parents do that for their family? I am so blessed.
My marriage is always strengthening. Some days there are steps back, but we make a few forward as well. The Holy Spirit provides the nourishing air we need, God provides direction, and Jesus exemplifies the sacrifice and redemption that comes with sticking to our vows. I'm so grateful for where we are.
I am thankful for my "Christ Renews His Parish" woman's group. It is a blessing to my week with its weekly meetings, scripture, and prayer.
Since I last posted, Lovely turned 10 (WHAT??!), my father turned 90 (see #25), we had family pictures done (not posted yet lol - and I'm sad to say it took so long to get pic done, because I had made them a weight loss goal. A goal never met - but I could not keep putting off pictures!), gone used van shopping (nothing purchased yet), and wore PJs through the whole of Thanksgiving break. We've done hiking, we've gone to museums, we are blessed to be together.
No new baby yet. Praying, always praying....but...that leads me to #30...
Did you update me about your life in the comments? Yes, you. Any new babies? Successes? Stumbles? How is homeschooling going? How is school going?

Ok...I should try to sleep. I'm hoping to do some Advent season posts in the future. Maybe I'll start blogging again in list form? I stopped blogging because I felt like I was being too honest here (so it was depressing and narcissistic) AND that it started to feel like a burden. Writing should be freeing. But, I miss my diary...our daily family record. I hope to get back to being here again. Maybe I'll do some memes and meet some new readers? Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. DAMN...enough with the chocolates. That's my problem....unhealthy food focus...BAHAHAH!

God Bless!!

P.S. Everyone has been posting about Advent traditions. Here is one of mine - embracing the liturgical color of the season. Totally appropriate, right? I did this Saturday, for the 1st Sunday of Advent - HOPE!