Checking in, thanks to insomnia...

Tonight I went to bed at 8:30pm. I then got a massive sinus headache, and tossed and turned for a few hours. I read blogs for the FIRST time in months. Then, I finally gave up, gotten out of bed, and I've come blurry eyed to my blog to check in.

So...pull up a cup of tea perhaps?

Picture from right after I got home from work. One of my "new" thrift store china cups.

Face it, tea or coffee or hot cocoa just taste better in some sort of delicate china! Right? You know it.

First - Happy Advent to you!!!! 

Next...STOP reading. Go RIGHT now to the comment section. UPDATE ME PLEASE on yourselves. Are you still there? Am I still on a blog roll? I will be honest, I have not read any blogs since July until a quick skim tonight. My last post was in September. Who is pregnant? Who had a baby? Who faced a crisis I didn't pray for you through? Who has celebrations? Connect with me over that tea.

Ok, now that you've done that....what have I been doing?

1. I have been teaching middle school. I will start with the fact that I love it. I will add that I also struggle with it. 
2. Middle school is a much better fit for me than high school - at least with the time I have with my family to devote to the vocation that it is. The school is a fabulous fit for me. My classes are TINY, the school is TINY, and for a girl who thrives on personal connection with the people around her to a FAULT, God has me in the right place. God is good ALL the time.
3. I'm inspired by the school and my students. I want to do an amazing job for them.
4. I'm amazed this school was started by 2 moms with no experience in schooling aside from homeschooling a little when their county let them down in public school.
5. It's a privilege to work there. I'm very much a 1st year teacher again, making mistakes, feeling pressure to be better...but it is not the same stress of perfectionism I had at my high school post. I struggle with feeling like I'm not the person they interviewed. Being a 1st year teaching again at the middle school level and its learning curve has thrown me. 
6. I miss that I'm not at a Catholic school.
7. I'm grateful for a school of REALLY good and moral people. We're diverse, but the same in many ways. It's a safe place for my kids to be, and we just carry Jesus every where we go ourselves.
8. I am so grateful to sleep at night again with the peace of bringing in some extra income/savings.
9. I'm still not sleeping enough because of lesson planning, ha! But, the quality of sleep is better than the quantity I had before in naps and sleep before with my anxiety and depression.
10. That said, I've shed many a tear this semester - at school, and at home over teaching. It's been better since September/October.
11. This school, if we have to attend school and me work to help our family, is a great match for Lovely so far in 4th grade, and the school next door is FANTASTIC for the younger kids. A blessing!
12. I miss homeschooling.
13. I detest homework. 
14. Hubby misses homeschooling.
15. But, I'm not a depressed mom, only doing the basics outside of co-op on our school days. So...my kids are getting a better education currently. 3rd grade for Lovely was ROUGH. 
16. I'm still battling depression and anxiety. 
17. I have yo-yo-ed in my weight loss. Recently I've gained back to where I was when I started. Awesome. It sucks. But, I'm getting back on track this week.
18. I'm working on getting the right dosage AND the right therapy for me. Still, I'm really tired of the duality I live - when with loved ones or friends - I am happy. When not distracted - I'm anxious, down, and get tempted to think "When we move, I'll be better. Next weekend I'll be a better mom. Next summer will be better. I'll do more faith traditions and crafts next year/feast/season." Damn it....why am I living in the future? God has been so faithful. We all are HEALTHY. My children are HEALTHY. We're stable. When I catch myself procrastinating motherhood, wifehood, bedtime stories, bedtime prayers, family nights, feast days etc, I want to slap my cheek and say "When one of the kids gets very sick, or Hubby, and you are constantly 24/7 in caretaking mode, you will rue the day you took the present for granted." It works for a little while...till I slide. My battles rise and fall with my cycle for sure. It's a balance to take the right herbs or vitamins at the right time, or the right medication for my hormones. But...we're getting there. I'm learning to "turn the other cheek" on myself and be more forgiving instead of slapping myself. It's a process, when I feel the last 2 years has been a fog and I wonder what price my family is paying. 
19. One of the best cures for me, is cleaning my condo. When it is clean, I am sane. It got bad the 12 weeks of school before break. But, last week provided some major purging time. AMEN!! I LOVE Pinterest, and I feel intimidated and weighed down by Pinterest too. Then, I remember I'm the one who lets it inspire or drown me. So, I choose to mostly succeed at letting it inspire. 
20. I miss running. I'm good if I get out 2-3 times a week. Working on more. I did a 5k race a few weeks back - and I ran it in 38 mins! Not too shabby for poor training! Lovely needs more running too.
21. I have started weekly Adoration. In the last few weeks when I go on Tuesday evenings, it is a powerful balm for my soul. I've been going for a month or more, and everything is better with work, marriage, my struggles, etc. That's no coincidence. I know Jesus is everywhere, and I breathe my conversations to him 18 hours a day it feels like, but the opportunity of Adoration? Physically centered on Him? Powerful. 
22. The kids are thriving. Lovely will mention she misses homeschooling because it is harder, but doesn't want to leave her school. It's been great for her confidence and social skills. Gift and Valiant are vibrant and amazing. Like I said...God has us where He wants us for now. The peace I have from that clarity is priceless and about the only peace I have these days aside from a nice break from financial strains.
23. I miss our church co-op and friends. I need a night out with them soon. 
24. Working has sadly limited us from seeing our extended family more, but there is an odd peace that comes with that. Still some stress - but, we'll take the bigger gaps in between drama. If I think too much, I get sad because I think for one member of my family, they see the school Lovely and I attend and work in as a step up from homeschooling, and a status symbol with its zipcode. But, one can't dwell on that.
25. My father turned 90 in October. My mother is almost 77. I try to savor how healthy and active they are, and how much they love their grandchildren and still offer sleep overs, carpools, and come to any event at either school. How many parents do that for their family? I am so blessed. 
26. My marriage is always strengthening. Some days there are steps back, but we make a few forward as well. The Holy Spirit provides the nourishing air we need, God provides direction, and Jesus exemplifies the sacrifice and redemption that comes with sticking to our vows. I'm so grateful for where we are. 
27. I am thankful for my "Christ Renews His Parish" woman's group. It is a blessing to my week with its weekly meetings, scripture, and prayer. 
28. Since I last posted, Lovely turned 10 (WHAT??!), my father turned 90 (see #25), we had family pictures done (not posted yet lol - and I'm sad to say it took so long to get pic done, because I had made them a weight loss goal. A goal never met - but I could not keep putting off pictures!), gone used van shopping (nothing purchased yet), and wore PJs through the whole of Thanksgiving break. We've done hiking, we've gone to museums, we are blessed to be together.
29. No new baby yet. Praying, always praying....but...that leads me to #30...
30. Did you update me about your life in the comments? Yes, you. Any new babies? Successes? Stumbles? How is homeschooling going? How is school going? 

Ok...I should try to sleep. I'm hoping to do some Advent season posts in the future. Maybe I'll start blogging again in list form? I stopped blogging because I felt like I was being too honest here (so it was depressing and narcissistic) AND that it started to feel like a burden. Writing should be freeing. But, I miss my diary...our daily family record. I hope to get back to being here again. Maybe I'll do some memes and meet some new readers? Life is a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get. DAMN...enough with the chocolates. That's my problem....unhealthy food focus...BAHAHAH!

God Bless!!  

P.S. Everyone has been posting about Advent traditions. Here is one of mine - embracing the liturgical color of the season. Totally appropriate, right? I did this Saturday, for the 1st Sunday of Advent - HOPE!

And as always...the statue I love, every Advent in our sanctuary on the altar....

How laughter is my best medicine...

How God has blessed me with this spouse....

Hubby and I before a wedding last week.

 And together this family blesses me daily....

Thanksgiving Day - before dinner with the whole family.

Happy Advent!!!!

Hiking from Woods on a Fall-ish Evening

Tonight, at the end of a VERY long week (have I blogged yet I returned to teaching professionally full-time outside the home?), I went for a needed hike.

Or, perhaps, I just started my week with an incredible hike. 

Life is totally based on perception, isn't it? Sometimes it's the little things that add up to revealing beauty, or back breaking stress. A little goes a long way.

I needed this hike. I needed to just get out and be alone a while and refill my soul-lar batteries. The 16th of September is rapidly approaching, and that day is a personal and private anniversary for me. While the period of time and the subject it marks is personal, its effects are not. It is one of those defining days in life - much like a birth is a new promise for parent and child, or a wedding day is full of promise, sealed with vows. Anniversaries are a day to reflect. They are a decision too. Do you decide to choose love and commitment for another year? Do you celebrate the life you have? Do you mourn where you are on that particular remembrance, or do you recommit to the what the anniversary marks despite how the day finds you? Life, so often, is a decision on how it is lived despite our current circumstances living it. 

As I climbed from the woods to the mountain side, the trail opened up. The path became unclear, and I had to put one foot in front of the other to push onward. I had so many directions in which to head!

But, oh the view! The journey upwards is challenging, yet when I can let myself look around, fighting gravity's temptation to fall backwards, it is so glorious!

I could not escape the beauty of the Yellow Daisies all around me. Stone Mountain's species of yellow daisy is pretty amazing. They grow on the mountain side, and only have a season of about a month. Thirty days of living out their purpose before they are gone. I saw many daisies already aging and fading, yet, they still glowed in the sun's light. They were weather worn, solar bleached, and were still radiant and graceful. It also impressed me how they bloomed where they were planted. They grew despite the granite rock their seeds landed upon. 

  

It looked lonely. Yet, there was a rustic beauty and bravery to these particular plants. They stood tall despite their surroundings, despite the rocks or deep cracks. They inspired me with a glimpse of brightness along my trek, while seemingly so alone in their micro-oasis. Yet, were they really alone? Not at all. They stood tall in the Light, reaching for the Sun, turning their faces to the nourishing rays. If you pulled back on the viewfinder in my camera lens, then you would find something more:

Community. They were a part of a community. A group who were setting their roots deep despite their own rocks, pebbles, gravel, and grit in the way. 

We all have our own story. We all have grit and granite in our lives. Everyone we meet is struggling to put down roots, to have purpose, and commit to something each moment. This world is FULL of struggle, but when you stand back and watch the communal spirit - it becomes living art to inspire us onward. 

 

So, as my quiet, personal, anniversary comes and goes, I wanted to thank "you" for being a part of my mountain side biome. We all may be weathered and bleached at times, but we live the life of Ecclesiastes 3, which means we also have a season to shine on that same mountain side. We'll be exposed to all types of anniversaries, and we get to choose how to live them. Thank you for being there, even when I mess up, overreact, or overcompensate. Forgive me if I forget you have a story too. It's no accident we are living together in THIS life, at THIS time. It is to be the hands and feet of Christ to each other.

As the sun started to set, I needed to get back down the trail. At one point, I was at a loss for where to go, since I was on the granite face with many directions to choose from. I am NO Moses, and this was not Mt. Sinai. I was not expecting a burning bush or loud event to show me the path I needed to take. Yet, why doesn't God do those big acts anymore? Where is the pillar of fire, the burning bush, the wrestling angel, the lighting strikes, cures or mass miracles? Then a thought hit me.

It is because we are too loud. We are too busy, too plugged in, too informed. So, sometimes He comes in the quiet and the small, waiting for us to hear or see Him. Then He waits for us to follow. 

Sometimes His "signs" are nothing more than a brief mark on the path. Can you find it? 

Psalm 119: 105

And, that mark leads us to more.

In the small, He leads us to safety as the night falls....

...and I feel renewed to mark the passing of another anniversay, wait on my God, and love those around me. I feel like a 2 Corinthians 12:9 gal most days, so hopefully I'm contributing to God getting mighty powerful for us all, haha. But, I know I'm called to be a Romans 12:12 warrior, and thanks to "you", I can be that most days, and know on the days I am weak - God is still strong, especially through "you." 

Ain't life grand? 

Much love, and many thanks. Goodnight!

Took the first big step.

I did the research and found an office/doctor I'd like to try. Tomorrow, I call.

Even though I could still feel better in 2 weeks (start of new cycle), it's time to make the call. To avoid calling because it triggers anxiety isn't helping...When napping anytime I can isn't helping...When I know I don't need more sleep... When the prayer times and confession times (because at first they helped!) and their effects dwindle and adding more overwhelms me...I need more help. I am so thankful for the vitamins I'm now taking (thanks Blair!!), but...I am still weary.

* I started realizing this as I spiraled AGAIN into insecurity, no confidence, self-doubt, anxiety and social anxiety.

* When a night out with friends where all shared the Christian faith, but the conversation flowed into how  none did Santa with their children to avoid lying to them and putting the focus on Jesus drove me, IRRATIONALLY, to extreme guilt that I lie to my kids and am damaging them. Not just about Santa - but the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy....no matter how much I know we focus on Jesus, St. Nick, and the Resurrection even more. Where these amazing women judging me? NO! NOT AT ALL. I am just not rational.

* Realizing I have not taken a joke in a few years. It's rare when I do. I can joke, I deliver wit or sarcasm, but I can't take them.

* That I am way too sensitive to comments about actions I choose to do....my own business, that others innocently comment on. It is ME, not them. They are trying to converse, challenge, joke! I should be able to banter with them. Oh, Banter! How much I miss thee!

* I am just too raw to be around people I don't want to lose.

* That I see signs of budding anxiety in one of my children. They are taking cues from me.

* Being too clingy, apologetic, and annoying as I scramble to hide my insecurities from others.

* Grieving relationships affected by me, being...me...on a bad day. Some may never recover to the level where the 'almighty me' wills them. I need to settle on being glad I have something left to enjoy....or let go of the ones lost.

* Feeling so overwhelmed by life that I am NOT living life fully, or making the corrections I need to make in my marriage, financial future, dreams, etc. because I am too overwhelmed to start, too paralyzed. Too anxious.

* Anxiety totally plays a part in worsening my learning disability (I'm not offering another excuse! I've just noticed it get really bad the last 2 years. I'm even mixing up friends's children's names if I don't see them every day. It was also terrible when teaching my co-op classes. I never really could remember which child was which. I also have to continually use my GPS to get to certain people's  - yes, friends too - homes outside a certain distance. I just can't remember the roads or route. It's embarrassing to have to explain when said friends or other notice). So, lesson learned - anxiety makes Dyscalculia worse. Which then makes my anxiety worse. "YAY!"

* Realizing that being a better Christian won't cure me, taking up my cross alone without a Simon isn't working, or that "offering it up" isn't making me a stronger disciple. At the end of it all...the more I try to be less...the more room the devil has to break me down through this chemical based, irrational weakness.

* On that subject of Simon  - I need to remember to be more conscience of the fact that they are simply "Simons" (Matthew 27:32)...not Saviors. There is only one Savior, and He already saved me. Also...the original Simon was "pressed" into service. That pressure doesn't always end well. I don't need to pressure any more Messiahs into existence, thankyouverymuch!

God has heard me cry out. He knows I've surrendered...multiple times. He has NEVER forsaken me. I simply can't hear Him because of my misfiring synapses, roller coaster hormones, environmental triggers, and/or lack of current coping skills. I see Him, I can even feel Him..but hearing Him...knowing I can "Be not Afraid" rationally, but doubting irrationally is getting old. I am also "seeing the wind" (Click Here). Life where we have a roof over our heads, good health, good family and friends, faith, and obvious vocations/purpose should not be this hard to live joyfully.

I was not created to feel this way every day. God made me to love others as He loves me. To know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in the next. This world is meant to be a gift. I need to FEEL that. "Normalcy" should not feel so heavy on my chest and shoulders.

Tomorrow is the second step. I will call and make the appointment.

Thanks for the prayers. How may I pray for you?

And just like that...!

A post is made with quotes like this:

"We may make this (being extroverted) look easy, but it's not. Many extroverts suffer from various forms of social anxiety, compounded by the knowledge that if we do or say the wrong things, if we are perceived to be thoughtless or undesirable in a social setting, we'll be unwelcome in the group. If that happens often enough, a necessary part of our psyche will starve and fail. When I walk into a roomful of people, the stakes are higher for me than they are for non-extroverts, because I *need* to be welcome there. When I walk out of a roomful of people, you can rest assured that I am rehashing every single conversation I had, going over everything I said, second-guessing every word and gesture. I am acutely aware of every mistake I made, even the ones I only imagine to have occurred. I still remember the dumb things I said or did long after everyone else has forgotten them. I can recall social faux pas as far back as middle school, and though by and large I've stopped beating myself up for things, the ghosts still paralyze me sometimes."

Some of it reads like an excuse - and I think all of us should try to overcome temptations and flaws - not give excuses, but it was a good read (and yes...introverts can be the same way too, I'm sure. I need some good introvert articles lol).

Read more here - The Care and Feeding of Your Extrovert

I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!

In the moment

It's rare I can blog in the moment anymore. Gone are the kid-isms where I quickly blog a funny they say. I do it through social networking, but need to remember to put them in a more permanent place, like here.

Today, this moment, is rare. I'm so glad I can. The girls went home with my dad and Gift is asleep (we literally just walked in, and I put him in bed. He was already OUT). But, I NEED to write about my last hour or so.

We had a great homeschool co-op today. In the class I'm now "leading" we celebrated Candlemas (which falls tomorrow) with a liturgical tea which centers around the presentation of baby Jesus in the temple. We also discussed St. Brigid and Blaise since they have their feasts today and this weekend too. It went great! Lovely's class did their Lego STEM class which is totally awesome! After classes were over, the kids all headed outside to play and explore together. The moms got to socialize!

My 89 year old father (so spry in his age!!) had asked if he could come meet the kids at the playground, then take the girls back home for a sleepover. My mom was gone most of today, so this would be fun for him and not be alone (he's a fantastic day driver....perfect record!). He arrived, and we chatted and the kids showed him tricks and such. I was thinking it was actually going well....

(To clarify what I mean about "actually going well." I mean the conversation was around topics that do not dampen the spirit in any way and hijack the conversation without any chance at a do-over. This has happened since I went to college. It happened when I was in high school too, but I assumed that was just normal parenting. For the first 5 years post high school graduation, these stressful conversations centered around my violin playing and musical performance since they had spent so much time and money on me, my mother especially needed to see the passion and the payoff, the post college years were all about my teaching career, my husband's ill health, the fact he'd probably die (in my mom's eyes, which stressed my dad!) and our parenting style and my decision to keep working when they didn't want me to, which caused stress with my husband and them. The next 4 years after that focused on their concern that I now WAS staying home and we were having too many children, etc. Currently, the new focus is our financial failure and the current recovery from such. You'll need to know this later in the post, or this blog. But these topics and when/if they will pop into a conversation and hound me, haunts our time together/)

So yes, right as I thought I could relax and enjoy this time (because I don't really get a chance to ever relax and enjoy my family as a whole sice I'm waiting to go on the defensive)....my sweet father starts asking all sorts of financial questions: "Are you doing this, have you paid ____ back, etc." Now, my father is NEVER the one to hurt me. Other family members do with cutting remarks...and I know he asks to give guidance  feel connected to me or fix mistakes...but I receive it as I failed him again in his expectations and dreams for me. It kills my spirit.

What has caused me to pull away from him when I should not, is how when we hang out, we just can't hang out. He's a product of the Great Depression, and as I've aged - anytime we hang out, he has to talk about politics, economy, stress, my husband, our decisions to have a bigger family, or try to find out about the adult decisions I'm making in my life. He does this with great love, kindness, but makes me feel like a failure every time we talk, because I feel like a screw up daughter who doesn't live life in a pleasing manner to her daddy especially when many times I know he won't like my answers.

(To be clear, I have had to tell "I have this" and change the topic EACH time, and once in a family "discussion"....but the habit returns. Or, the knowledge he can't trust my answers or my family - because when you get dismissed so often, or told "Please don't worry, I'm handling this..." and then the bottom falls out...who can blame him, or my mother, etc. But yes, I have said, and repeat - especially to my mom - "this is not something we wish to discuss with you.". But...it still happens. Everytime. They are older...they are programmed. I have to learn to accept this, not feel like a constant failure. And yes, I told him today we were handling it and have our own schedule for things. He and my mother feel so "dismissed" when I do that. I feel so dishonorable doing so.) 

I'm simply the daughter who wonders how many more years she has with her daddy as he approaches his 90s and wants to savor the time with him, not feel ill, avoid, or procrastinate. I want to hang out with him and talk about my children, future children, homeschooling, what I did that week, my future plans and goals and just be in the moment with those conversation  - not have them analyzed or critiqued or morph into their agenda to ease their worries as my parents.  I miss making them excited with my plans and dreams. I just want to have a single day/time with my parents (dad especially) that does not have me crying alone when we part ways. And yes....as I drove away today, I cried. I mourn he (and my mother) spend as much time being anxious as I do in this recovery process. I mourn for myself that they never could really let me live my own life. I mourn my weakness in giving them power. I mourn a lot of things, but I mourn the time with my dad that is slipping away because I am letting it. I protect myself not going out of my way to see him more, see them more. I wistfully wish for my childhood again...the only time I felt I made them happy and stress free. But...that should not be my burden, and I'm working on it. But...I SO want to please them. I can't tell you the longing there I can't "turn off." We are only promised today, and I so want to make today count, make those around me feel a little taste of God's love and peace and light....and I crave that with my parents too, especially as the years catch up to my parents for this lifetime.

Anyways...that was my afternoon. I made it even better (SARCASM) by helping load the girls in my dad's car, putting my things down in his car as I helped Valiant with a broken jacket zipper, then realizing after our goodbyes my car and house keys were on the floorboard of my DAD'S CAR still. I tried to flag him down in the parking lot because it was an instant discovery on my part, but he was focused on driving. I tried his cell phone 6 times, txted him twice (for the sound the txts make) and then made peace with the idea he would not know until he got home and got my voice mail on their land line.  Blessedly, he found them on the floor after parking his car BEFORE unloading the girls and called me saying:

Dad: "Hey! You won't believe this, but I have your keys!"

Me: Really? Noooooo! LOL!

Dad: "We're on our way back. Why didn't you call my cell phone?"

**crickets**

HA!

He was back in 20 mins...but OH...I felt so guilty making this 89 year old drive....sigh. Strike 58,604 LOL.

Atone

Back when I wrote my Word for 2013, I made a goal to post about one aspect of the word "Redeem" from its definition each month. There were 12 words by divine coincidence. January's word has been Atone. This is an appropriate words, two weeks before the start of Lent.

If you know me well enough, I'm a really joyful person who feels pressure (from my faith? myself? The world?) to redeem my daily errors - to redeem my faults and take responsibility for them. To atone.

I learned this lesson from my dad, who ALWAYS made it a point to atone for his actions, good or flawed when it came to parenting on a given day. He'd come talk to me about what he did right to make sure I understood if I thought it was unfair, and he would apologize if he lost his temper with me, or did not meet his  personal standard...whatever that was. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I never got such explanations from my mom, and I guess that is why I do what I do now. I strive to redeem myself. I strive to apologize. I don't ever think anyone is perfect, no a situation one sided. There are ALWAYS two sides, two perspectives (or more). Atonement seems to be something I breath like a mantra.

Where I struggle is being simple about atonement.  For whatever reason, I feel I must talk out my atonements, or email at length about them, and I used to feel this was normal (or dare I say, noble) until I started to get comments "We really are ok. Don't send one of your 'ViolinMama emails'."  That gave me pause. I'm famous for atoning? I'm still not sure how I feel about that, but it makes me wonder what to do about it. Atonement can be attached to insecurity. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness, not just lip service that things are "ok"?

So, how do we strike a balance and keep atonement pure? I guess for once thing, I need to keep in mind that Jesus did not ask my to apologize 77x7 times, just FORGIVE 77x7 - hahah. Secondly, I need to keep in mind that my apology is enough, even if they don't acknowledge my apology in the way that makes it clear for my heart . I'll have to trust I don't need their reassurances. Forgiving me is on them, though I know personally what a gift that is to be given, and we are called to do it. I can only atone for what I did...it's all I can do to redeem.

My marriage is still atoning for the mistakes of the past. I don't feel it is redeemed yet. I have to daily forgive my husband for what happened to us, and the struggles we still currently have to improve. I struggle with his ways of atoning for his part - is he really getting it? Am I really forgiving him, or resenting him? When the sun rises in the morning, I feel redeemed, with forgiveness granted.....but when the sun sets, I feel I am wanting his atonement before bedtime. Redemption becomes a daily cycle, 'on repeat' until we get it right. I'm praying this year of living our word - Redeem - becomes a healing balm that did not come in 2012.

So, these are my January thoughts for 'atone'. May this bring me one step closer in this 12 step year to 'redeem'.

Been up a while

Argh. Just venting. I've been awake a for a couple of hours, and gave up tossing and turning. I'm still recovering, but maybe this insomnia means I'm getting better to not need rest? HAHA.

I finally got up because darkness/insomnia/tossing and turning turn my cozy bed sanctuary into a breeding ground of anxiety. Oh, the thoughts in my head about homeschooling concerns and planning, family strife, marriage progress, being a check-in mother, finances, future plans...you name it, I thunk it.

It seems my UNPLANNED Christmas day afternoon nap was because I was getting sick. I have been sick since the day after Christmas until/including the day that is breaking as we approach 7am. I got one day at home to rest after my stressful Christmas, then we turned back around and headed back, as extended family was arriving for a 3 day visit.

I was nervous. This side of the family holds some tension. I was so out of gas from the 25th, that I was so nervous. But, Day 1 and most of Day 2 were FANTASTIC. It was so nice to be together. But, oh...was I getting sick - hoarse, throat cold (not sore, more like laryngitis). I was so. tired. I made sure I did not nap. I set my alarm when I would lay down with my younger kids for their nap time so I would rouse when we fell asleep together.

Then, came the evening of Day 2. The men of the house were gone, my parents gone, so the ladies left behind poured some wine for some girl talk. At first the conversation centered around the one family member that stressed us all out and how to deal better with it. It seemed to open the door to some bonding (such needed bonding if we COULD get it). When it was my turn to share, I shared things I had loved, and struggled with growing up. We all had shared stories of our not so great youth moments - and I linked mine (since my sister had joked about my crazy ADHD self as a kid - ooooh, I had some issues!) to how I couldn't fully fault my bullies in school too much if I really had such control issues. I probably made myself an easy target. This lead to questions, and I was excited to share. Up until this time, I always felt my FRIENDS knew me better than my family. That felt wrong to me...I've always dreamed/hoped my family would be closer, would be bonded, like so many families seemed in my circles, or in books, movies, or TV. So, I shared (we all did) but my stories were so surprising to my family that I felt stupid for sharing them. I felt embarrassed finally opening up. My sister was fine...but...anyways...I just regret sharing now.

Maybe that is why I overshare. Looking to be heard? I don't know, I feel I talk too much about myself in the past 2 years. I try not to, but I'll relate something someone said to me, trying to make a connection. But I fear it isn't a good "listening" technique and leaves others feeling I stole the train. Maybe I don't - but I've been told by one I do. I know blogging helps me find a release for my thoughts, blessedly. But I sure felt I did that with my family - even though everyone shared. I just felt so raw and exposed and embarrassed for trying to shorten the age gap and share with them. Their stories were so different because of their ages.

So, the conversation turned to homeschooling. This family member is one I've suspected hasn't loved our family's choice in homeschooling, and even though they assured me that was not so, the conversation turned to more of me defending why we do it. I should have ended it, after my sister chimed in to defend me saying that she knows we check with the national/state standards, etc and homeschooling is such a stronger option than it was 15 years ago. She was AWESOME (and I don't think she fully loves what we do, but she embraces and supports our passion for it)! My sister eventually dosed off in her chair. I should have walked away, but in the moment, I wanted to try to share the experiences that changed my mind on homeschooling (I used to be against it!). Dare I say, I wanted to bond with my family. Wrong move. I was hoarse, tired, and losing the battle to 'their reason'. After I described our schedule, my family member said, "So, basically, you are not really homeschooling, but creating a private school atmosphere with these art classes, Good Shepherd class, and co-oops and LEGO class." Sigh.

I told her she could see it that way, as homeschooling parents tailor education to their kids, which goes beyond what a public school can do....but more than a private school, especially the early years. I went on to tell her how the scene was changing, and if a child chose not to do traditional high school, that there was dual enrollments in local colleges, great ways to learn, save $, etc. But that was reasoned off by them, in a very negative tone. They questioned not letting certified teachers for ANY grade teach children, how did parents know enough, "SOCIALIZATION" and "what about the high school experience?". I told her that she had good points/questions, and every family decides what works best for them, that it was just nice to see the options unfold. It was a down hill discussion. For all their pledges they supported what we were doing....the tone and facts and reasoning they used was very anti-homeschooling. I was glad when I finally realized and could switch topics...with my sister waking up in her chair and that helping me bring up how late it was and we all should get to bed. I wish I had done it sooner, I REALLY was hoping for a light to go off, and some bonding to occur. Instead, I went to bed anxious, worried about our choices, etc. Darn it! And that's on me...how I let words affect me.

Anyways...those events popped up in my mind. Is Lovely really learning and thriving this year? I made big goals to improve 2nd semester...do more writing, reading....enrichment. But I'm battling feeling defeated.Then I thought about our new 2013 budget, marriage stress, how alone I feel lately, etc. Toss and turn, toss and turn. At least I'm not coughing as I have been. I can see big improvement in my healing.

When I started feeling too gloomy, I got up. I read some funny things online, and then thought some prayer time would help. There is nothing better than 3 Minute Retreat.

Ironically...this was today's featured meditation (You can click through the many they have - but one is featured). I'd say God never speaks to us by chance.

So, that meditation speaks for itself. I will rue over Psalm 85:9 and the questions the meditation asks me to consider...where in my life am I most in need of peace? How can I make room in my heart for God's word in my heart? How can I share it with others? 

Pray for me. Please leave any prayer intentions you have. You have no idea how it helps me to focus on something for others. It keeps the Body of Christ more alive in my heart. Much love.

It's a new day dawning. 

A New Year's Do Over

So, it's time for my word. You know, that cool idea floating the blogs and vlogs of choosing one word to focus your year around, not just a bunch of resolutions.

This was my post and word choice from last year. 

Guess what? I've decided to do last year over, and refocus on that word again. I lost focus a few months in. The definition of my word even has 12 descriptors, perfect for breaking down month by month! I never made it a priority. I think it would help me to try again in 2013.

So, along with getting better about a healthy diet and exercise, a healthier mental outlook, and an end to my spiritual dryness - I think I will relump my focus in 2013 with "Redeem" again.

My word is redeem. 

So....let me use some of last year's post to introduce redeem again. I've edited in places for 2013:

...In the midst of the churning waters threatening to overtake us, God's hand started to show up - almost immediately. When Hubby came home from work early (1pm on Sept 16th) to confess we needed to be out of the house by the 19th and he was not himself - a qualified friend answered my stunned phone call for help for my husband to give him someone to talk to. My children were immediately tended to for the next several days, and a place for us to live was offered generously and ready immediately. My sister and next door neighbor started organizing what to do to get us moved while I walked around rather like a zombie, and best friends (including all the before mentioned) started POURING out of the woodwork to pack us up, take down furniture, PACK, wrap, feed, and soothe us. I'm talking about friends driving HOURS to come cover us in love. We were drowning, and were being pulled to safety by everyone. It was overwhelming. 

I could not believe it. I was feeling like a failure - a fooled woman too traditional and blinded by my own vocation to see what was veiled from me - and yet friends poured in to support BOTH Hubby and I - no matter how it happened that the house was lost  - it didn't matter to anyone. We were reminded we were worth far more in this life than as homeowners. I could tell, almost immediately, God was redeeming the situation. I never felt like saying "Why Us?" because God didn't cause this. Instead I felt like saying "Why NOT us?" knowing God had us protected and would keep showing His hand. He redeemed.

Our new little 2 bedroom condo somehow fit all the things we absolutely needed, and the things that made it feel like a home. Furniture just FIT. The crib just FIT in our master bedroom. The girls' stuff just FIT in the other bedroom. Storage for the rest was secured. God redeemed our housing situation. Much was donated or given away to help others (redeem!), much was purged to create more peace in our souls and future space (redeem!) before moving day. Meals came almost every night for 3 weeks (redeem!), and when Hubby was put in the hospital - people did it all again! Can you believe it? More meals, childcare, support, donations....the redeeming went on, and on, and on. I was brought to my knees in humbleness. I started to understand just how hard it was for Mary to say "YES" to Gabriel. I was having to learn to say "yes" to so many people.

Then, as things quieted down - it was just me and my empty feeling marriage. While still in love, I had no idea really who I was married to - since the hiding and trying to shield us from the painful truth had gone on a few years - but deep down I felt God. I knew we had the POTENTIAL for becoming great again as a true partnership sharing the load. I could, and still can, feel God redeeming our marriage and family. That feeling will continue into 2012 (now, 2013). In addition, the end of 2012 found me in a difficult emotional place with my extended family Christmas day, and the week following with out of town family. I am praying for redemption there, even if in my heart only. I can only control me.  

I've grown up my whole life hearing "Christ the Redeemer." I never EVER got the true meaning of the word "Redeem" until we had this loss. It dawned on me that weekend as I stumbled around watching so many people help us that many people of the world assume God will FIX our problems, that Jesus will just FIX our illnesses, situations, flaws, or problems. Fixing is NOT what God is. He is "The Redeemer." He'll take what is broken and reform it, reclaim it, fulfill it.

So, my word for 2013 is:

FROM WEBSTER'S  - THE DEFINITION OF REDEEM :

transitive verb

1

a : to buy back : repurchase b : to get or win back

2

: to free from what distresses or harms: as a : to free from captivity by payment of ransom b : to extricate from or help to overcome something detrimental c : to release from blame or debt : clear d : to free from the consequences of sin

3

: to change for the better : reform

4

restore

5

a : to free from a lien by payment of an amount secured thereby b (1) : to remove the obligation of by payment redeems savings bonds on demand> (2) : to exchange for something of value <redeem trading stamps> c : to make good : fulfill

6

a : to atone for : expiate <redeem an error> b (1) : to offset the bad effect of (2) : to make worthwhile : retrieve

Pretty amazing definition, huh? I think this is the PERFECT word for 2012 as I seek do the hard work involved to redeem my marriage, redeem our marital love and trust, redeem my feeling of worthiness, redeem our FEELING of home for our children to feel secure and know that faith is what matters, not the THINGS. My husband and I can also redeem our financial future. It won't be easy...but I will let the Redeemer in.

Amazingly - in my daily life I can use the above definition to my advantage. To redeem 2012, I can use all these verbs to my advantage every day, every step, every breath and whispered prayer. I can also focus on them month by month:

atone
retrieve
fulfill
free
exchange
restore
reform
ransom
clear
win back
offset
repurchase

Jesus did all the above for me. He has shown me the way....

Now, I simply need to try, one step at a time. I need to try and redeem my spiritual dryness that is my making, as God has not forsaken me. I'm just lost. I need to try and redeem the daily struggles to grab joy and really savor the victories and small triumphs in my life, even when it feels like I'm walking thigh deep in water. I need to try and redeem my physical and emotional health.

It is redeemable.

Happy New Year - I wish you freedom too in this wonderful new year. Bring on 2013.

Blessings! Pray for me....I'm praying for you!

In spite of it all...

As I was driving home from our Christmas last night, wounded and hurt...it hit me. I felt I should document it here.

Despite how conflicted I get about my interesting family. Despite the hurt I feel. Despite the sobbing I've cried....it hit me...

I have no desire to see those family members anywhere but with God. 

It is obvious that this earth robbed them of peace. It is obvious that they are more uphill people than down.

But it hit me. I pray that their earthly actions don't hold them back from total healing, peace, love....real unconditional love. It's the missing piece. Something only their Savior can give.

I don't want them judged (I do that plenty, automatically, in my mind too much). I don't want hell, purgatory....I just want them whole. That's not up to me. I won't know where they will go, though they are believers. I just wish they could, when God calls them home (and I pray that is centuries away), be fully home. I'll be praying for that.  It's all I can cling too.

It won't stop me from trying again and again to please, love, and want to celebrate life with my loved ones. It won't protect me from any further disappointment. It doesn't stop my fears that I'm a walking disappointment.  But it helps....it helps to know that maybe one day....we can exist somewhere where we all are healed and in total harmony.

I do love. Very much.

"Be united, but not closed off. Be humble, but not fearful. Be simple, but not naive. Be thoughtful, but not complicated. Enter into dialogue with everyone, but remain yourselves." -  Pope Benedict XVI

While the first part of that quote relates very much to my Christmas situation, the part in italics fits my life well. I have miles to go on improvement there. As for the underlined part? I am trying to figure out who myself is and remain there. I feel I know...but it is so anti-society and normal goals of life that it puts a divide on my family and I waver. It is hard to stomach that knowledge when I think on it too much.

Thanks for the prayers!
Merry Christmas!

A late Festivus

You know, I have ignored the Seinfeld "Festivus" (The Holiday for the rest of us) since it came into being. But, things change...and I want to enter into the spirit of its season so I can fully enter into the Christmas season. Yes, I am aware that celebrating Festivus probably means a trip to the confessional! It's time to air some grievances, the ones that come from many people being together under one roof that normally have not for an extended period of time since adolescence.

See 3:27 above for the airing of grievances.

Before I air my grievances - I want to say I take full responsibility that I was not on my A game the other day on Christmas. I was overtired, fighting a chest cold, and allowed myself to think I was in a safe place to be real and faulty lol. Thanksgiving had gone SO well with my 3 kids (considered a huge family to my extended family) in another loved ones home, that I relaxed too much on Christmas - excited children from Christmas morning, in need of naps, and grumpy themselves made for mistakes made on my parenting and discord in my family. I also will not name names.

* Today is Jesus' day. Why does it become so convoluted and about social norms? 

* While I do have eyes in the back of the head - I have not developed X-Ray vision. Had I known that Valiant, sitting on the ottoman RIGHT in front of me with her back to me, was eating a chocolate Santa in the living room over white carpet, I would have gladly "controlled my child". I'm sure x-ray vision evolves over time. (EDITED to add: No chocolate got on the carpet. She was caught before any messes were had). 

* If the aunt says they can drink in the living room (against my better judgement - I should have overridden the kind aunt offering this special treat), and they spill something - don't come after me for letting it happen. Just chalk it up to a learning experience, that it cleaned easily, and there is no use crying over spilled milk.

* Please don't take it personally if excited kids on Christmas don't want to eat dinner food (even mashed potatoes, green beans, and bread), and I had a reason not making them their own meal (to try to get them to eat their real meal first). Don't worry about their protests. Don't feel you didn't feed them enough, that you treat them badly, or that they didn't get enough. I probably should have one ahead and made mac and cheese instead - but I didn't. I will probably do so this week when we gather again with more family, just to avoid another Festivus. 

* I'm sorry my eldest had some drama over the rolls served. I'm probably more sorry than you for her acting like that at the table - but I promise you her life is not that bad, so don't pity her on Christmas over her roll comments. She is not neglected, she is loved, and yeasty rolls are not symbolic of her hard life. 

* Don't make it so obvious who gave you the best presents, and most thoughtful presents, this year compared to other family members. 

* DON'T support my suggestion to go lay down with the two youngest (one with me, one with daddy) to get them to stay down for a nap after attempts to do it alone failed so they could sleep off their crabbiness when it risks both mom and dad falling asleep with the kids. If you resent them sleeping with the kids, and too much time passes, then come and wake them to help with food, kids, etc. Sleeping adults who sleep through one of the kids waking up and going downstairs obviously are not trying to skip out on family time, cooking, babysitting, or parenting. They are just tired parents of young children who worked the night before. Could it be seen as rude? YES! But, don't "let them sleep because they need it" then make them feel like Christmas was ruined because they were allowed to sleep. I would have loved to cook, play, set the table if I had been awake. So, if I do it again...wake me up!

* When you know that every dollar counts, and playing at Masses at different parishes on Christmas Eve from 6:30pm-1am makes some really good income for us once a year (I was home by 9:30pm with the kids, my husband was out till late) don't throw that in our faces that we are tired the next day, when you have spent most of the year complaining we don't make enough money. Also, don't throw in our faces that one sibling had to deal with the burden of hosting us all because we don't have a house anyone to host people in. That is MOST painful.

* When one's sister and BIL  has cooked a marvelous, formal meal for the family, do not talk about leaving before the meal is served. It breaks my sister's heart that every family get together ends in a rush because someone is done being there. You didn't even have to drive....you were driven there and back so you would not have to worry. The tension shot up 1000xs and became the constant thread of dinner ("Pack up quickly, we need to go after dinner. We need to leave. We need to get on the road soon....").

* If it matters, when we got back home last night - the two littles who needed those naps and were so grumpy had terrible coughs, one had a fever, and one threw up. Maybe the cause of it all?

I'd better stop. I've aired some of the bigger issues. Too real? Should I leave this post up? Probably not. I will say that after the offending party were taken home, that my sister immediately relaxed and we talked about how our family is just a big clash....my "big and young" family clashing with a small family with a teenager, clashing with older family members. But I cried saying why does it have to clash? Why do other families get to just be on Christmas and enjoy? Why is there a time limit on how long we can be together? How long will my husband and I be the family who failed, and keeps failing in certain people's eyes? 

I know the answer is eventually just having Christmas at home alone, THEN joining family....but...

1) My sister makes a magical home on Christmas.
2) My kids expect it - part of the routine. They LOVE it. They count down to it. 

3) There is a thrill of being together with everyone Christmas morning. 

4) It helps us be able to play Christmas Eve Masses with our instruments.

5) I like being together. I just dread the stress. I always hope for the best, and I'm not sure I'll ever stop hoping for that family centered Christmas in this brief and precious life we live.

6) I just need to accept and let go. 

7) What time is confession again?

8) No matter what happened on Christmas day, Christ was with me. It was His day. I just wonder if he was looking at me annoyed with what I let happen on His birthday, or lovingly at me. It's very easy for me to think my heavenly Father, my Savior, and Our Lady to see me differently than my earthly family. I can see how people's faith can be formed by their earthly relationships. But, at the root of it all - I know their unconditional love is just that, unconditional. 

Happy Festivus! The holiday for the rest of us! Now...on to CHRISTMAS!!!! It's not just a day....THANK GOD!!!!!

Emmanuel.