Thanksgiving...

Well, I've fallen behind here some. Honestly - it is a mix of being really busy, trying to make sure we are doing what we are supposed to be doing to rebuild (in the evening when the kids go to bed - we have a friend guiding us with some steps to make until we can get professional help), home schooling, and spending some time with family.

On the marriage front - well, we are struggling. Well, I am. I know he is so sorry for how things happened, and how things are now with how we are living day to day, but from what I've asked and gathered from his answers, he isn't feeling the pain and loneliness I am feeling. I can't speak for him though. I know he must be feeling a million different things, and he's never been the talker I am. But, each day I find myself more down. The time change has not helped me at all. Darkness at 5:30pm? Not helping my soul. I'm VERY sad. Very depressed about the lack of improvement, and very tired. I am praying though. I know once progress is made things WILL be better, so I'm holding out.

We need marriage counseling. He wants to wait for January when it is covered by insurance. I wanted it two months ago - willing to pay anything. So, things are at a standstill. He obviously feels waiting will be ok - I feel it is crushing me. It's really hard to see eye to eye. I see therapy as an investment in us. So, please keep praying for us. Also - please don't judge him. We are good people stuck in a bad cycle. Just keep praying for him especially and for me. I really mourn the loss of respect and love he no longer has in our family circles (parents, siblings, etc), and that adds to my personal stress and sadness.

On the foreclosure side of things - things are looking up. The house appears to have been sold at auction already, is now on the market by that person/group, and the 30 days passed where the bank could have come after us for the remainder. Obviously, they wrote us off. Also, thanks to the digging and help from friends - it appears we will not get taxed on what was owed. The bad economy and foreclosures everywhere have changed tax laws through 2013. So, we are blessed there too. Now we just have to pay back past debt that accrued and some past bills affected by Hubby's health and lack of paycheck.

How am I doing? Well - still waiting for my therapist to have an opening. I'm scheduled for next week...but nothing sooner has opened. I'm losing confidence in myself, staying strong for us all in the barrage of opinions and comments about hubby and our situation. I feel as if I am letting everyone down, and myself down. I feel I am letting my kids down. I am in a weird place faith wise - I  KNOW God is HERE, carrying me - yet I feel so lonely. I know He is working His plan, but I feel so empty. It's so weird. I'm not questioning God at all, but I feel so depressed. I have been craving Advent to start, yet have very little energy to jump into the graces that come with Advent. I so need this time for my soul though, and I know joy in the season will come to me.

On the upside - I've spent some time with my sister. I love her! She is so kind. She also took me to get my hair cut/styled, and new clothes. So...here is the new me....(honestly, I needed it. With clothes lost in storage, and me not really doing anything with my face and hair - this was a needed boost to encourage me to take care of the life God gave me. It's so easy to wallow without even realizing it!).

That is the Holy Spirit smiling for me....totally. God gifted me the grace to smile in my crosses my whole life. I'm so grateful - I just wish my spirit matched my smile. But, this week is Thanksgiving, and I have so much to be grateful for.

So, I choose to close this post joyfully. I won't let this world steal joy from me. We are off from school this week, which ROCKS! I can enjoy family time, and a meal on Thanksgiving Day at my parents retirement center we don't have to cook. I have a PJ lazy day scheduled for Friday. I will ready my home for Advent this weekend. God is GOOD and this cup shall pass. I will embrace this week before it is gone, and back to the grind of schedules.

Writing that paragraph made me feel a little better. On that note - I wish you all reading a HAPPY THANKSGIVING and much love and joy to your family. I have so much gratitude in my heart for my family, and yours. Love, love, LOVE!!!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!!