I'm better for posting.

When a door seems shut...God opens a window. 

View from my bed today - even with Sandy hitting the eastern shore.

I was amazed last evening.

When I hit publish on my post, "Stuck", yesterday - I instantly felt better. I even commented on that post how much lighter I felt. I'm not cured, but I don't feel as out of control or panicked as I did writing that post. I feel less numb. Apparently transparency is my MO. I felt less insecure, and less depressed with letting it all out. Talking about similar parenting decisions to mine by my nearest and dearest made me feel more confident. Talking on the phone to a dear blogging pal reminded me to toss out the negative voices as much as I could. All of that is logical, and I'm working on it. My emotions don't always follow suit - but I'm working on it. It is extra aggravating to me that I KNOW what I should be doing, feeling, and dealing - but I can't FIX it. I'm such a fixer.

I do notice I trend towards depression and insecurity when I hold back from sharing my feelings. It's hard, because I do feel the need to share my feelings a lot - which appears self-centered and burdens those I want to talk to. It depends on how heard I feel. I tend to ramble or seek resolution if I don't think I'm making enough sense to be understood (or "heard"). Oh, how I wish I could turn it off. Blessedly, my episodes usually come and go. But, I've been pretty embattled the last year - and couple this past year to the previous 2 years where I was sensing something insecure (I had no idea it was my marriage, but I knew I was in unsteady times, and it lead me to seek a therapist. I had assumed it was post postpartum depression and lack of sleep). So, a few of my relationships have been tested by me...well...being very flawed. Me almost being my own Roman soldier and forcing Simons to help carry my crosses. Then I try to over-fix...and well....I'm exhausted. So, I hold back. I hold in. And....I implode - like yesterday.

(I still feel incredibly frumpy with my weight struggle. But, that is another post. Today I improved...but barely.)

But...transparency works for me. Perhaps, it is how God made me. The perks of my personality are a gift from God. The flip side is just a cross Jesus asks me to carry. I will find balance one day. Until then, I learned yesterday to take my burden to the altar, and to this blog. And keep working on improving. I felt less numb today - I felt God again. It was me being open, since He is always there for me. I was laying in bed during the younger two's nap time and I saw the beauty out my window and the sunlight and just FELT God. I'm still struggling to keep that door open and feel less numb, less searching, but I felt better today than I had in a week. I made sure I scooped up my family and got them outside and IN God's beautiful creation.

We headed to our local community garden, park, and hiking trails.

Today was just a gift from God. The days may be becoming shorter and shorter....

...but it is up to me to find the beauty in the hours of light I'm given.

I'm better. Not perfect. But better.

AMEN! Praying for you! If you have any prayer requests, PLEASE post them in the combox so we can pray for you!!! Thank you for all the comments and prayers. Really. 

sTuCk.

I'm in a season again. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. I've been battling generalized anxiety (GAD) for a while now, and it comes and goes in the heaviness of its yoke, and it can correspond greatly with the strength of my spiritual strength.

What happened to my spiritual/emotional/physical high and sense of peace and balance last weekend? 

I'm anxious no matter how "spiritually high or low" I am. It's a cross I bear, and there are seasons I need medication, or not. There are seasons where I need more professional help, or not, But, it is always there. I notice a trend of feeling more anxiety and depression when I'm spiritually dry, tested, or as the days grow shorter in the fall. And if all those elements combine - then I'm facing quite the burden of generalized anxiety. And lookie lookie....after a trying year and one month, here comes the time change. The time to "fall back" is approaching, and my well is a bit tapped out as we head into the time change. I feel a whammy of insecurity, anxiety, and depressive feelings circling me. And, I'm in a season of trying to figure out my journey with God at the same time. The last few days have found me discerning how to improve my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It's about time to pull out the bigger guns while asking for prayer as the sun sets earlier and darkness sets in.

I cried at Mass today. Well, as much as I could allow with my children there (not needing to see their mother cry) and my parents there (who I just don't have the relationship where I can be vulnerable - I can tell they WANT me to be real with them, but I just can't take that leap. Long story, and one that is not all their faults for sure). I'm at an impasse of my own emotional creation. One where I know my God is so with me, is holding me up, and wants me to lie on His shoulder as would a sleeping infant - soothed and love - but one where I feel stuck and unable to move ahead.  I've spent the last 13 months totally FROGing it (Fully Relying On God) while we were drowning emotionally, financially, etc. And now....prayers are getting answered, and we are coming out of the desert in the financial area. You would think I'm closer to God than ever. But, I'm finding myself at a loss. Where do I walk with God now? In panic mode and time of test....I found it easy to see Him at every turn. Now, it's like I know He is there, holding me up....but I don't know how to hug Him now that we are not in panic mode. Does that make sense? I don't know any other way to say it....I have been hugging God, and sitting in His lap, and feeling his arms around me, and heeding His call to witness His everlasting love in the midst of my crisis, blindingly FROGing as He redeemed our last 13 months (and the last several years I didn't really know was brewing) and this past week...I'm finding myself incredibly lonely. And it isn't God abandoning me at all...because rationally, I know He is there and has me....but for some reason....I'm at a loss for how to proceed with my Lord. It's like I've forgotten how to delight in Him when we are not in crisis. It's like...I'm numb.

I should be celebrating and enjoying the light at the end of the tunnel, right? What's wrong with me?

Is it shell shock? Is it like a form of PTSD? Because I've been battling a multi-front war for over a year now.  All the things happening in my marriage was physical/emotional/spiritual warfare, losing my home was a physical blow, losing the home base for my domestic church was a spiritual blow, having my husband's health fail a week after learning those truths was a physically and emotionally draining war front. Why was I stronger in the battle, and now weaker in the respite? I'm having to use energy to calm fires in my family, in a few friendships, so many fronts I lose track. I feel like a fraud at times. And, I'm a terrible liar. 

I can tell I'm coming under all sorts of attacks now mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because of this new "season". Since the summer, I've been battling insecurity on a HUGE scale (if we are friends or family...most likely I've been secretly questioning how solid we are, or flat out annoying you by looking to fix or affirm our relationship. If I haven't been...then be so grateful..as I am...that I have that peace about us. What a gift to me at this time. It's good to be good). I'm battling major anxiety and growing depression (my motivation to do more above the basics is starting to decrease) which means it is time to revisit my therapist as soon as our insurance kicks in. It's the oddest feeling to be aware of the help you need while trying to ride it out at the same time. 

I'm starting to let innocent comments about my parenting style (discipline - too harsh or too mild depending on the observer - especially by family members) confuse me and handicap me from being consistent (I'm giving them the power, it's not their fault). Innocent comments such as if my younger two can dress themselves by themselves yet make me want to cry out of feeling like a failure, having friends be honest I've exhausted them by talking too much about me and my struggles scare me. I then allow myself to overcompensate and try too hard to fix "us" and keep explaining my reasoning and looking for affirmation instead of letting go and letting the ball be in their court whether they accept me for me at this time, or not. I'm broken right now, and people have to accept that and push ahead and reach back out to me....and I have to learn to let the ones go who can't do that for me. I'm apparently in a 2-3 year rut of selfishness, and if they can't carry the burden of me...then I have to accept it. I don't want to force my yoke on anyone...and yet....I do. And, I'm horrible at accepting that - it is on me. 

God should be all I need. Yet, I keep turning and burdening worldly relationships...why? Why do I need the affirmation? Why do I take so many things personally?

I'm starting to let family comments about where we are living now and how THEY think it is affecting our children affect me. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin now when I'm home. I feel like a failure in my current home because of these comments (again, I've got to stop giving power to the comments!). I'm catching myself turning to sloth to avoid duties in my home - too lazy to fold clothes because I want to "check out". Dishes piling in the sink. That road won't lead anywhere but to me feeling more down. A straight home sets my spirit free - I know that. So, I need to make it happen. It just feels like situational depression -  at home, I feel like I'm walking through thick mud to do chores. I never was this way in my old house. I was a neat freak in the main areas of our home. It helps to homeschool on pretty days at the park, etc. It breaks up the time I spend on our condo. I also am so upset I see our condo like this - when this condo was a total blessing from God. A BLESSING. How is it I feel mired down by our blessing? It doesn't help that 5 people in a small condo has also added some wear and tear I feel guilty about. I look forward to fixing it up as we move out as a gift back to our generous land lord. 

Maybe I get so tired in our condo, because so much of my energy goes to making sure my kids feel their mom is happy, that their parents are ok, and that this move and "transition" between homes is GOOD and SECURE for them. I spend so much time making sure they see the perks of all three of them in one bedroom together (ages 2-9), that the move a year ago was ok, that the move to the mountains would be great, and now the NON-move to the mountains will be great as we look for a home here (these kids have faced or expected 3 moves in a year now), that the people we call neighbors here are children of God and wonderful (you know...with the same healthy caution of strangers, etc), yet we can't run outside a play like we did at our old house with our neighbors. To then hear family members say, "Well, I want to give Lovely a Lego set, but I can't because she doesn't have her own private area to play with them without her siblings "getting into" them and puts the 2 year old's safety at stake with small pieces..." makes me want to yell at my family instead of stay calm and patient because I know they love me. They are trying to be proactive...and I'm being reactive. I'm being oversensitive.  Their comments just remind me who they really blame for all this (hubby) and makes healing hard for them seeing me live where I live, and healing hard for my hubby and myself...feeling like we are squelching our children's spirits. It's exhausting. 

Deep down, I know we have all we need to be happy, which is why, 90% of the time we ARE HAPPY. When I don't let the pressure get to me, I can stand back and look at how great we have it. We are living with less, a lot less, and our children are THRIVING. Sure, there are extras I'm looking forward to (more bedrooms perhaps? a yard?) but we are living so small and uncomplicated and my kids are showing that works. Why am I not more secure? 

The funny thing is...I know I shouldn't listen to anyone but God. Really. Why can't I follow through with that reason. I don't need anyone but God. I also have the one person I need to really "get" me....so...what's the problem? 

And yet....I'm numb to God? How is that possible? I write that with tears running down my face. We're approaching Thanksgiving and Advent where feeling God so close should be easy and exciting and FUN! I am so tired of thinking of doing our traditions already. HELLO??!!! God just got is through the biggest crisis of our lives, and it's a struggle to feast in Him? I go and take the Eucharist, and I lack feeling the "commune" in communion. I feel so lonely while being a part of the greatest community in the world - the Body of Christ. What is UP with that? I never feel that way. I know He is there. He has not forsaken me. So...it's like the age old relationship line - "It's not you, it's ME." This is all on ME, and I'm totally frustrated. Except when I'm numb.

I was doing so well with my weight loss journey. I then lost more weight in the anxiety over hubby's job and loss of pay. Now, since he has come home and my anxiety changed tunes - I've gained weight. About 7 pounds. I've had to grab the reins again. I'm getting back in control...but I was/am turning to food again. It's so frustrating. I had about 50 pounds to lose, hit my 10% goal, now have regained some. I'm back to needing to lose 30 pounds after making such strides to that total. I'll get there, but I wanted a nice buffer (HA! When I first typed "buffer" I typed "buffet") for the holiday and traditional foods of the season.

I rationally know God is there for me. I know spiritual dryness happens. I know spiritual warfare happens. It happens to us all. I'm obviously entering that season. I have no idea why, but I know what I need to do in seeking help, and so now I seek prayers. Please pray for me. Pray my numbness subsides. I want to crawl into my Savior's lap again and lay my head on His shoulder. I miss that hug I've been giving Him extra tight the last 13 months - the arms I've known were around me since I was in 1st grade and Jesus was literally my only friend as classmates taunted me for 8 years. Why after all those crosses am I tripping myself up? Why am I numb instead of feeling anymore? Why can't I simply return the hug? I love hugs. You see me around town and at church and I hug. I'm so ready to bear hug Christ again. 

I'm just tired of being stuck. So, please pray for me. Thanks so much! 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Praise God!!! He is so good. For that, my heart soars. 

Much love! Blessings!

P.S. To my last post

So, God is so good.

So, I posted the other day  that I wondered if I was allowing myself to miss out on important moments of 'time savoring' my life. I enjoyed the comments and emails I received on the subject. It was nice to know I was not alone, and to try to savor where I can.

Literally the morning after that post, I was reminded by my own children of our own snuggle time. Wait, what? We do have it??!! Why yes! It is in the morning. How could I have forgotten? Being a homeschooling family at present, we start our days slow. Each one of my children crawled into bed with me the next morning, as they most often do - which I had forgotten in the moment  - to cuddle, talk, etc. I made sure to smell their heads, hair, rub backs and tummies, and be present in the moment - our moment.

It was just a nice hug from God reminding me from a Father to his daughter that even in this current season, I am loving, and giving and getting the moments I need to give and receive.  And, they are my family's. My own, unique family's rituals. It doesn't mean I don't see that I need to increase what I'm doing, be more present, and less distracted. But, it means I am doing more than I thought and to be ever so mindful of those moments and give myself a break.

The grass is pretty green on my side of the fence. :)

Am I in a season I need to slap myself out of?

Ok, I've been reading blogs lately that are the inspirational ones...Ann Voskamp, Kelle Hampton, among the stand outs - where they all are dressed so perfectly, have such peace, and just savor every touch, breath, moment, sigh, laugh, cry, and even fear.

I can be like that too. Often.

But lately?

Am I simply in a season that I should embrace, or should I slap myself out of it. Because while Kelle writes: "A few nights ago, I lay down with Lainey and rubbed her back as she fell asleep. With our bodies sidled up against each other and her head nestled into my neck, we talked about the things we talk about at night—school, upcoming events, funny things that happened during the course of our day..."

All I could think of was how I can't wait to have my kids actually STAY in bed and get out of their room and breathe. I'm not rubbing backs at the end of the day in an extended form, I'm not snuggling close.  I'm barely reading a few books to them, praying with them, tucking them in, and RUNNING out of the room for a drink, a book, or mindless TV. And bless their hearts if they try and sneak out. I'm not lovingly guiding them back to their room.

Sigh.

Ok...back to mindless and escapist "Grey's Anatomy." I wonder if the super grateful, sunny, ethereal bloggers watch TV?

It's been real. Pax Out!

P.S. I know I'll regret it if I stay in this pattern, so I'm working on it. I want to live my 14 hour days, not always wait for my "shift" to be over at 7 or 8pm. I want to snuggle. I want to lay in bed with them and breathe in their hair....I want ethereal.

All before 11 am.

Whew. What a morning I had.

First up, I went outside to have my morning cup of quiet time (ha!) and found a tree branch "shattered" my fortress of solitude:

How did I not hear this happen? Wait, I probably did but assumed it was this guy...

Picture taken before he got ANOTHER punishment. 

(Beware....total loser mom HONEST and real moment about to be shared with the world)

Yes, this is how I found him AFTER he spent most of the morning in time out locked in his room, and yes a major spanking, because he GOT OUTSIDE (we think my husband forgot to lock the dead bolt this morning- but it appears Gift has learned to play with the locks. I think he went for the stool because I locked the dead bolt after his escape that he could not reach...until now. He can't seem to turn it, but it's time for a 3rd lock - high UP regardless and a door knob lock). He was not out long because it got too quiet thankfully (Lovely and I were schooling down the hall) and I went looking for him, but it was a bit comical after the fear/panic/anger directed at him when I found him outside. I found him at the top of the stairs leading to the parking lot. He was talking to two adults in wheelchairs who were trying to keep him where he was by talking to him because they could not bring him back to my door themselves. Bless them. I have to laugh at the image of what my two neighbors would have done had Gift actually ignored them and made a break for the parking lot in their electric wheelchairs with orange flags chasing down my two year old. Goodness. Sigh.

* I'm not proud of the spanking (I was over spanked as a child - but I support how anyone chooses to parent. I applaud my friends who make it work. I was just talking to one of them about it recently. I'm not the best parent and maybe this is the reason why..har. har.) We do Magic 1-2-3 which has been working with the girls, but my tired self struggled with during my 3 months of single parenting. I admit becoming a reactive parent many times, not pro-active parent. I'm trying to get back on the wagon. But, REALLY - what happened was dangerous. I was frightened, and this is a lesson he needs to learn ASAP. This picture was taken AFTER he was spanked - so obviously we need to keep being consistent. 

Valiant headed back to her old preschool today and joined their 5 day Pre-K program. While I will still take her to our homeschool co-op meeting days for her preK class there, having her be able to have her own time away helps our whole family regain some of our groove lost the last few months. I need time to help regroup and teach Lovely and while homeschooling preK skills for her while teaching Lovely and including Gift was wonderful most of the time - this mommy needs a little break. Thankfully with Hubby's better salary, it is an option for us now! AMEN! Also....look at the picture carefully. It's a good thing Val knows letters A-F these past 2 months LOL!! Sigh.

I don't have pictures for the rest of the morning, but they included a full cup of OJ spilling on the carpet (this whole place is carpeted), me dropping pico de gallo all over the kitchen floor, finding my engagement ring and high school class ring near the kitchen garbage can on top of canned veggies, finding myself arguing with my 9 year old instead of parenting her, and facing a MOUNTAIN of laundry I've been too lazy to do (could have a pic...too ashamed).

Just keeping it real. I am laughing about some of this. Other parts shaking my head at. More parts scheduling confession for. HA!

Life is never boring, and life is STILL GOOD. I am never alone, and I am happy to share this at 2:09pm, because I just didn't have time before 11am.

Blessings!

P.S. Edited to add an image of Gift's time out. He fell asleep after crying and this was the wake he left...

"Clean up...clean up...everybody do your share..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Celebrating a new saint!

This weekend was a big weekend in the church! We have some new saints, two of them from the US! St. Kateri Tekakwitha and St. Marianne Cope.

I need to get my act together and arrange a Hawaiian themed meal to celebrate St. Marianne, but today the girls and I celebrate St. Kateri with a sweet treat. We made St. Kateri's Edible Indian Corn treats. The girls were such good helpers! They pretty much did it all themselves!

The best part was sharing! It was a really good day. I've been bad about really celebrating feast days this past year. What a way to make faith fun! I need to do the effort  - it doesn't take much and the kids love it so much. Sigh.

Happy Year of Faith to you all!!

Fall Weekend Getaway

This weekend has had GORGEOUS weather. So much so, that we decided to flee town and head back to our favorite escape spot! We spent almost all weekend outside. It was so much fun!

It was a magical two days and the first relaxed days for our family of 5 in a LONG time. Playing by the river, enjoying the market, hiking around the mountain, frolicking with the gnomes in Rock City and petting fish at the aquarium. Seeing the bright colored leaves (little Valiant kept asking "Did God paint the trees? YES!!!!) on our drive there and back while listening to bluegrass completed a phenomenal family bonding time. Did. Not. Want. To. Return. LOVE my FAMILY.

DID. NOT. WANT.  TO. COME. HOME. Phenomenal weekend.

I am now recharged for the week. The only hiccup? Valiant spiked 102 fever tonight. Oh well...life is still GOOD, and she is happy. Love and prayers to all!!