There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale

“Roads go ever ever on
Under cloud and under star,
Yet feet that wandering have gone
Turn at last to home afar” 
― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

My alternate title? The Post Where I Finally Reveal Everything You Have Prayed For The Last Few Months!

Yes. Really.

So, what do you think of the following pictures (side note: I am SO behind on posting pictures of our summer!!!)?

 

Pretty, right?

How about being a pretty place for children to grow up? A small town by a big river in the foothills of the mountains that ALSO had big city perks, tons of home school support, and so many outdoor activities a young family could soak in???! SCORE!

We were sold on this idea this past year, prayed, and felt it was a place God wanted us eventually and we became open to potential jobs in the area. Obviously, this would mean a move across state lines! My husband really needed and has been wanting for years (silly economy) to move ahead in his IT career and decided this past spring it was the time to look for some upward mobility that working for the government in his past job was not providing. He LOVED his last office, but just was hungering for more opportunity and growth. Since he needed to look, he decided to look where those pictures above were taken - not our state. Yep - we were open to moving!

Within a few months, Hubby had found some great companies and interviewed. He was not looking for any job, but a really good one - one with a raise, etc to make the move a smart one. He got close to one job, but they decided to go within the company. Then in June, he interviewed for another great position. As it became  apparent they wanted to hire him, we spoke with some of our closest friends for advice. The job seemed to be a GREAT opportunity. It was our first job where benefits and salary did not start for 90 days, and a recruiter was involved - but the recruiter did banter with us on making the hourly pay WELL worth our while, and the company who hired my husband promised him a 20% raise with the benefits and salary. After those negotiations, Hubby signed on. Again, this was the end of June. May and June were when I started begging for those prayers. I think April too LOL! Now you know why! Your prayers worked!

We knew we needed to save up his new raise for the big move. So, while he started the new job on July 2nd, we decided we would move as a family in October, and he would come home on weekends to visit and save for the move. My dear friend S did this same arrangement for over a year with her husband, so I knew I could survive and use the same strategies as a single mom during the week. He went ahead and got an extended day hotel room for a good price.

He LOVED the new work. It was in a corporate headquarters for a huge plant operation. He walked on average 6-9 miles a day (so good for his health). He was working with fantastic technology. I kept myself really busy, spending 2 whole weeks as a traveling nanny for my dear, dear, dear C a few hours away. It helped make July so bearable, especially since S moved...taking part of my heart, and my kids' hearts with her family. It was a nice distraction to work, and be in a place with a pool and friends for my kids, and a feeling of true family for me. I'm so grateful for those 2 weeks!

After those 2 weeks of working, the children and I went to visit him for about 13 days. We went to home hunt, enjoy being together, and meet so many new friends in the co-ops I had found for playdates and homeschooling. One person I met at a homeschool co-op "1st Friday" potluck celebration was none other than Haus Frau from Dwelling in Tol Garden!!! How cool is that??!! To meet a fellow reader/blogger??!!! It was very comforting! We bought family passes to the aquarium there, the children's museum, and a gorgeous park. The year anniversary of "our life exploding and losing our home, my husband's health", etc was approaching (September 16th), and it seemed God was granting us the chance to rebuild by that melancholy anniversary. We made some great memories in our future new home:

Looks pretty much like heaven on earth....really...right? 

I mean....look at these colors... look at our future......

Except well....

it is not our future. Except as a vacation spot. 

I see it now as a blessing, but at the time - it felt like a killjoy. But, I never really could get excited about this job. I had this weird feeling we would never move. Now, I see it as God protecting my heart and keeping us from rushing into the move. Hubby learned during that long visit that it looked like the company who hired him was losing their hold, and getting bought out. They told my husband his job might likely end August 31st. (!!!!!) Can they do that? Hire when things look grim and not say anything??!! That is when I did a big plea on this blog, and through email, for prayers. He would have not gotten severance, he had no job to return home to, and we really had not rebuilt savings enough to survive on unemployment. It was....so...so scary. It was a new season of trust and choosing joy for our family, again.

Hubby learned a few days later that it seemed that he and his coworkers WOULD get hired on by the new company (your prayers working people!) - and it seemed like it would be even BETTER than before. For a few more weeks, he worked, very excitedly. We saved extra money just in case this good news failed to last, and we decided to save gas and not have him come home until we knew his job was safe. I radically changed our budget at home, started babysitting part time, etc, but it all seemed to be looking VERY good. He would get hired on with salary and benefits instantly with the new company, there would be a discount on a company van, and we could move sooner to be together!

Heart attack over!!! Right?

Well, apparently I love roller coasters....and my life wanted to copy that thrill ride!

At this point, I was about a month into being a single, SAHM who homeschools and we were doing ok. He was then hired by the new company which dropped a BOMB:

~ They hired MOST everyone (Hubby made the cut with his certifications!) but some lost out.
~ They would slash their pay for 6 months almost 80%.
~ Benefits would cost $900 a month for those 6 months at an 80% pay cut (most opted out).
~ They would work 12 hour shifts, not 8 hr days, and flip day shifts/night shifts each week. EXHAUSTING.

So, really, forget not having the $ to come home - he didn't have the time. And we needed what he could bring in. It was far more than unemployment, and being in a job helps GET a new job. Yes...this meant a NEW job search. AGAIN.

We sent out so many requests for prayers on this blog, prayer circles, emails AGAIN (same song, new refrain). We spent the first few weeks looking for jobs in the area. We so desperately wanted to move there. We had gone to different churches looking for a parish home, I had joined 3 co-ops - one Catholic, one for field trips, one for play. I was getting to know people. They offered prayers and support as well. We felt it was home away from home.

God's hand was at every turn! A chance meeting when hanging out by the river with the sister of an old high school friend of my husband (lol!) lead to a cheaper place to stay (a rented room at their home versus the extended day hotel saving hundreds), another friend's church gave us a gas card for a visit and a Kr*ger card, our new co-ops all sent us information on possible jobs opening up (even though the jobs never did, how awesome of these new friends to help!), and my husband made some great work friends who helped each other out. It was absolutely amazing! So many prayers were offered on our behalf. God never STOPS blessing us!

I'm not sure I'm allowed to state the name of a fellow friend/blogger/reader who stepped up with her husband to help us with a possible job in that state and resume help - but they know who they are, and can tell me if they want me to shout from the rooftops how much we love and appreciate them - but they were amazing!!! Seriously, I cry with gratitude. My husband gets choked up. If only we could meet up in person....

It became apparent that the best avenue for jobs were back in our home city. Rumors of jobs in the area above that we wanted, or even in that state just ran dry. Nothing was posted that Hubs could do with his certifications and background. BIG. SIGH. So, hubby and I discerned we would focus back here at home. Thank GOD we have never moved, right??!!! Plus, we still had no idea how this all would play out. Maybe we could still have our river and mountains and forests, right?

So, August and September went on. Hubby applied daily to jobs while working at the plant. He got close to some area jobs, but they did not offer what we needed (at this point, we would have taken the pay amount he had earned at his last job, but the offers were just too low to help us rebuild. We needed about what he made before). The gas card was used up, and while we treasured what the card gave us (and who gave it to us), he needed to stay and save money. So, we didn't see him until the end of September. It was a long two months of not seeing him in person (and barely talking or skyping because of his flip schedule), and I so admire any single parents out there....WOW...what a JOB!!! I was up to 3 months of single parenting/homeschooling and I was in awe of the single moms and dads I knew. Wow. Pray for those in your life, friends! My 3 months alone was NOTHING that so many face daily. Really.  But, God was very good to me and my family.

Hubby FINALLY got to come home around September 14th for a visit. While he was here - he got TWO 2nd interviews (he had done the 1st two by phone). God set him up well, being able to be in town for in person interviews! Both were FANTASTIC opportunities - with one being a lead supervisor position. Hubby had never worked at that level - but he had the experience, and decided to go for it. Obviously, his 1st interview went well enough for the in-person 2nd interview! I was excited for him at both opportunities.

Both interviews went well. He was SOOO excited. It was the happiest I had seen him in months. Then came the week of waiting. He went back and I stayed here with the kids. We heard nothing, and Hubby was given a 3 day break due to overtime. On a whim, he packed up his room in total, and brought everything home. He said it was because he really felt something good was about to happen - BUT he was prepared to take it all back with him that weekend.

Except...he was right. He did not have to head back! As I type this, HE IS HOME WITH US!!! PERMANENTLY!!

He got a call with an incredible job offer! It was the job that was a lead supervisor LAN Admin position. It was like a 3 rung jump on the career ladder for himself. It was a higher position that he had our current city and higher than the job he took out of state that was better than the last. The benefits are great (they start in a month) and his salary was immediate, wonderful, and he has been there working a week now, starting last Monday. He is enjoying it so far. In a few months, he will starting hiring more for his team, and he feels like he should keep pinching himself. He seems to be a good leader as well.

And, you can tell the kids are thrilled:

They ADORE their DAD!!!

I can tell you that the happiest person in the room is NOT shown in the above picture. 

So, AMEN! He is HOME!

AMEN!! He has an incredible job!!

AMEN! We can pay what we owe!

AMEN!! We have enough to save!

Sadly, we are not moving to our "dream" city...yet. We feel God did plant that dream - but He has His Timing in place for when we settle there. We also don't feel the last 3 months were a waste of time. He needed to do this for his resume, his work experience, and obviously for God's bigger plan. He was gone for 3 months at this job for a reason...one we may not know for a while in full, but that we can for now in parts. Perhaps he met people he needed to meet. Perhaps it was to unit people in incredible prayer. Perhaps it was to refine us more. Perhaps it was to make us more grateful. Perhaps it was a lesson in trust and choosing joy.

We may not have the river, but "here" has a mountain nearby, a forest for hiking, and many things to do outside. We are blessed here! 

We still have a move ahead of us. We will eventually be moving from our current condo. All three children share a bedroom now (which is a blessing, and we don't mind a bit....except...when we mind it...) The age gap runs from 2 years old to 9 years old and acquiring an extra bedroom would be lovely as it would mean better sleep! We're praying about what type of housing - apartment/condo, or a house with a yard. A yard seems to be something we are hungering for - but one can save a lot of $ in an apartment/condo. So, we will just look around and pray.

Also, being together means we can work on rebuilding our family again, our marriage, and afford to do marriage counseling again. We sure do need it. I have a deep need for renewed healing and growth with my husband. Retrouvaille  proved to be such a needed part of our foundation and we want to build on that. We did the program while in counseling, so we want to keep up the work and improvement! 

Last week, I was on such a high, feeling relief. Such grace came from this job, right past our year anniversary mark.  It was foreign to feel so lightweight. Starting Friday though, feelings of grief, fear, processing, and such began to occur when I opened a letter notifying my husband about a financial background check for his new job (that obviously he passed - whew! But, was a bad reminder for me of worry). Since then, I am emotional and I cry often. It's obviously part of the 5 stages of grief that I'm allowing myself to feel now that so much of our panic is over. I guess I'm relaxing enough that now I can feel some of the feelings I gave to God before. Maybe I should re-give them to God? HAHA! I want so much for our marriage - trust, equally yoked spiritually (and I can't force that!), peace, partnership, etc. I'm just highly emotional now. In some ways, I feel like I did last September  - so the healing continues. Life is a series of 'there and back' on repeat.

There and Back Again - A ViolinMama's Tale (*reference from The Hobbit) is a good title for sure isn't it....both in where we were moving, and in my emotions. But, just like the Hobbit, I am better for the journey. Thanks for being my faithful companions on the journey.

"I am looking for someone to share

 in an adventure that I am arranging..."

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

I am blessed by your support and prayers. Thank you. Love you....and keep praying. If you have any intentions, PLEASE post them in the combox. 

Blessings from "here". 

"If more of us valued food and cheer 

and song above hoarded gold, 

it would be a merrier world."  

― J.R.R. Tolkien, The Hobbit

I should add...

because it was not clear enough:

A) Thank you for so many of the private emails checking on me. I appreciate it so much! Thank you all for the comments too!

B) I definitely am battling moderate/situational depression. I forgot to be more clear on a blog, when people who see me daily already know these things. I'm on medication, and getting therapy. I'm really only down when IN our current residence. When I am out and about, I am free and happy. I'm hoping a better residence can become "home" and I'll be less depressed - but I have no idea. So, I have to do the work too, to overcome it.  But of course I've been depressed since September. I also have battled PPD too. When at home, I'm weighed down, and battle those hopeless feelings. That's why getting out is so important. But I wanted to share just how weighed down I feel when at home and why naps can tempt me as an escape.

C)  I just want to post the good, the bad, and the ugly of this journey - especially if it helps anyone else. So often, we only blog the good in our lives - and I want to document all I am feeling and dealing with as I process this huge life change. I'm sorry for not being more clear....but I'm ever so glad at the comments and personal emails of concern. I feel so much less alone!!! I love you dear friends.

D) A few people worried about me feeling judged by them sharing their concern for me. I'm touched!! NO judgement felt! Please post things below - especially when they can help others! Rebuilding a family, finances, and a marriage is overwhelming. I need my village, and I hope I can create a village too. I moderate all comments, so if I am wary of a comment you want to post, I won't post it. I just want this blog to be a place I can really process, and perhaps, help another reader if they need it. I've gotten so many wonderful perspectives privately today. I thank you all!

Thanks for letting me honest, and thanks for also caring about me beyond this blog page. I have so much to pay forward.

Much appreciation, love, and prayers.

Two really sweet people fell in love...

...sweet, but with little street smarts and loved living under their little rock.

That's how I feel about Hubby and I. We are both really sweet people (I judge, lol) who together have created a really sweet family. We came from broken pasts and small self-confidences and together felt we could heal and create something wonderful.

Blessedly, we are still healing and creating something - something wonderful. It's just feels that lately it is the blind leading the blind. Two really sweet, but blind people. Luckily, blind can mean we trust what we can't see - that means we have a strong faith. I have never doubted God loves, and has, we two very sweet people in His hands. It's just meeting Him halfway in the world these past few years is what I feel we haven't done very well on. I feel we have spiritual smarts, but not street smarts. Apparently, we prefer rocks to paved streets.

I mean, I know what plans we did have in place, I know what we did. I know we lived with purpose an vision. I'm a little lost on how I missed things were not being done as I could see - and that personal blame is hard is move past. And, since I still feel lost since the fallout back in September - I guess I feel stuck. In making new game plans, rescue plans, survival plans I realize how "behind the times" I am.

I am also ashamed to say I miss my little rock I lived under. I miss feeling secure, only focused on home schooling, playing in the backyard, playdates, and co-op. I miss not feeling weighed down, being happy, feeling lighthearted. I miss seeing unicorns and sunbeams praying as I breathe in thanksgiving, and feeling connected to God in my "happy way". Life has become such an effort from the moment I wake. I nap a lot now. I'm sleeping much of the time I'm not solely responsible for the kids. I don't think I've admitted that out loud to any friends. I obviously can still feel joy, laugh and function - so I don't think I'm in some deep dark depression. But, I certainly find myself not pushing myself to do more than basic house work (and before all this, being a neat freak was my life), good home schooling, and sleeping. I'm so behind on laundry! What's exercise outside of family hikes and perhaps a little Zumba on the Wii once a full moon?  I've even gotten lax on tracking what I eat on Weight Watchers. I'm down 15 lbs, but my progress has slowed down.

I feel so comfortable in bed. I feel safe, warm, and oh! I can escape. I can read in bed, or just escape in my dreams. Waking stinks. The knowledge that I'm sleeping away my son's toddler hood instead of playing with him more often than I do makes me more sad. Thank God for home schooling, or my interaction would be far more limited with my 8 year old. I'm so thankful for the extra attention my 3 year old gets at preschool. It's quite sobering. I'm just used to our old life - constant energy, constant joy, constant exploration of our God given world. Somehow, a comfy warm bed has become my fortress.

I also feel trapped by where we live. I have written much about the blessing of the condo we were able to move into. Fall was nice here; winter long. Then spring came, and while that should refresh me with the beauty of the weather (and our lovely back porch) - it hasn't. Apparently, during the cold months, some interesting new neighbors moved in, and now the warm weather is bringing out some interesting people I have noticed - not the kids (the kids are never outside). I'm getting the itch to move. Yet, moving is expensive, and we were hoping this place would be our transition home to a move to a new city for a fresh start. It is looking like God has plans to keep us here in our current location instead. I am hoping to buy us some more time here by adding some protection to our home while we save money for a move and a place that may require 1st month/last month rent and security deposits. Luckily, we know all our immediate neighbors, and they are kind people. Recently, we worked together on some "community watch" issues, and that was good. Still, I know we need to move.

I've been looking at local homes for rent, and they are just more pricey in our area than places we had looked to move away to. So, we could be looking at apartment living. Or...another place I have a lead on. We're going Thursday to look at a home we could "house sit" for up to a year for a family. It would be a furnished home that we would care take for an amount we could afford to pay. I just need to see what they pay in utilities. I like the option of a year lease in a home like this because we could keep our items stored and ready for a move if a job came up Hubby wanted. I could easily stay behind with the kids to honor this lease, and we could move slowly and save moving costs. Sadly, if we accept a possible offer to take this house - we could not move in till August. So, that leaves me putting up with the neighborhood till then. I pray I can do that. I'd appreciate prayers in that regard.

I will say the house/apartment searching have cheered me a little. I guess I feel like I have more control in the choosing where we go, and that feels more like "home" than how we came to be in our current place. And, I feel so terrible saying that - because this place has been a BLESSING. How everything fit, how it was readily available to house us, etc. How selfish am I for feeling this way? God had a plan for us to be here....and I allow it to depress me? Ugh. I think about how worse things could be for us....sick children, a sick husband, cancer, infections, hospital stays - and I realize just how good I have it. I would take this cross over any other. One of my dear friends reminds me constantly that this "is a season" and it will pass. Yet...I want to nap the struggle away? I want to sleep the joy away? I need to slap myself and grab the reins of life again and find the joy, even if I don't "feel" the happiness. I think about my neighbors and how they don't have the choice to move; that this was their daily life before we ever moved here. This is a lesson in solidarity with my fellow human.  The people around us are all God's children. I need to be as respectful as I am cautious.

So, please keep praying for us. Pray for us naive, sweet people. Pray we find the course and plan for it well. Pray we strongly grasp the reins of our worldly lives, while still giving God the ultimate control.

I'll never be able to go back under my rock. I'm not sure that in my search for a new home that it should be a rock to hide under. It might need to be a city on a hill (Matthew 5:14), or just a new roof over our heads with plenty of windows to clearly see out of. And...I wouldn't mind prayers for more self-confidence. I want some sassy with the sweet. ;)

Much love!

Financial Planning for 2010

Ok - so does anyone else get anxious about responsible financial planning - or is it just me?

(ok - I posted this, then saw one of my IRL friends posted the same thing!!! Check out Rae)

I would love some ideas on what other single income families do. We chose for me to stay home (and that has made me so much happier, less stressed, etc) but in doing so, sacrificed the income I made that helped to pay off house and medical debt. We don't have a lot of the latter, but enough I stress over it. The house is more routine for most people so that isn't the part I obsess over.

I obsess over saving $ better, tithing or donating, buying a van when Hubby's car has until Dec to be paid off, having an emergency fund, daily budgets, and planning way better for retirement than we already are doing. Hubby is way relaxed about things, but I'm the anxious one, and I want to be educated on these things. What if anything happened to him...I need to know - so I make it my business to be empowered.

So, I would love to know what others do, example budgets that would refresh my 2009 model? I could have fresh ideas, especially with this recovering (??) economy. I wonder what else I can empower my family to do. One day I will teach again, but if we homeschool - well, I want good plans in place until I do go back to teaching as it could be a few years.

Tips? Thoughts? Or is this just too taboo to talk out loud about?