Need inspiration?

I've been wanting to write this post all week/month after being inspired to by the Snoring Scholar, and I'm sheepish for just now getting to it. It was more because I wanted to make sure I had my thoughts straight, and sometimes it is so much easier to record the mundane in life, than sometimes the pulse that drives life.

May is the month for Mother's Day, which makes it the perfect month for Mary. I know many of my friends may not fully understand the devotion to Mary. Others sometimes claim Catholics make her God, or we worship her as one. I'm not exactly skilled at theology, but I'll simply state it as I have both been taught and have personally felt. She is not God, but she is the Mother of God. It simply makes her special (like all mothers), and what an example to look up to for inspiration. I certainly am not that brave, and can barely make a decision LOL - so wow, such grace! I like how it makes aspects of my faith a "family affair" - Jesus at the right hand of the Father, and many hails to His Mother as a helpmate to us.

Having had many struggles and growing pains at times with the many earthly mothers in my life, Mary has been someone I've turned to daily since I was young. Before I could even read, she was presented as this heavenly mother who always "had our backs" while gently challenging us at the same time. :) Turning to her was calming, and comforting, and got me refocused on leaning on the Big Guy. She's in my corner!

On my hardest parenting days, she reminds me to gently accept myself, accept my children, to say YES to doing what is being called of me to stretch myself for them. She reminds me that I am doing something bigger than myself.

So, this was a month to honor the mothers in my life - and the little Mary moments too. If you ever need some inspiration, just take a second look at one heck of a woman. The epitome of grace.

I think in the coming week, I'll focus on ways to find inspiration. I'd love to hear what brings you grace, positive thinking, and peace.

Much Love!!!

Friday Five and prayer request

a prayer request....

I was reminded last night that even though updates are slow (probably as slow as the recovery from major surgery) that far reaching prayers would be so helpful for a sweet little girl here in my town. A dear friend to many has a great-niece, 2 years old, that had a cancerous brain tumor that has spread to the spine. She had surgery to remove part of the tumor - but instead, they awesomely got the WHOLE thing. But, this changes recovery, and everyone is different so they can't start chemo until she heals up more. She just had her breathing tube removed, so I guess they are still waiting. She's good with updates, so keep praying, and I hope I have some GREAT news soon! Thanks - we'll call her Little A. Please pray she can start chemo soon and can irradiate this cancer SAFELY.

and the Friday Five...

1. I've started to go shampoo and conditioner-less. I'm using this guide to using baking soda and apple cider vinegar and I am loving it so far! My hair is very soft, clean, and not stripped by the "detergent" that is shampoo (not that I EVER thought of it that way till I heard of doing this). Because shampoo strips oils AND dirt....your body will make more oil to compensate. This system should help your body not feel so stripped and lessen oil production. It removes the dirt, and leaves good oil behind. So far, so good here.....And wow, you can't beat the price!!! .50 cents for the baking soda and $1.84 for a large bottle of the apple cider vinegar, both which last forever! It takes a few days, or week or more, to really get the system down and retrain hair to stop producing so much oil and have the hair feel balanced - but you are rewarded for your patience! And, it is GREEN and good for the environment and your body! You can train your hair to not even need the baking soda every day - and just rinse and style your hair!!!! Mine is doing pretty well. I'll keep you posted if I continue to like it. I just had to play with the amount of soda I used, and I mix mine with water...I don't make a paste. I will confess, before this - I got VERY oily hair...greasy!! So I'm loving this new way to lessen the oil and the time and care in doing my hair.

2. Speaking of hair - I went in to get the dead ends cut off, and some how walked out with this:

BEFORE:

After:

Ummmmmm. did I have that many dead ends? Basically, I guess she thought I had dead hair??!! I even mentioned I still wanted to get my hair in a pony tail LOL! Not sure now hehe! Maybe pig tails?

I'm not sure what to think. It's all different layers that seem haphazard, so I need to keep messing with styling it. I don't want to cut it short short to "fix" it if I don't have to. This picture was taken right afterward, without a blow dry or style, so we'll see what I can do with it. It's not bad, and I love short hair....it's just that, hmmmm. Well, I'm grateful to have hair, so in the long run, this is pretty darn ok.

3. I need to run some major errands!! I'll see if they get done today. I'm grateful Hubby and I can do some things this evening, and Val can have a little time away from mommy and daddy. Thank you thank you!!! Lovely went to the grandparents for a nice little visit...I know she'll love it before we get busy next weekend. I just love the time to gt things done, you know?

4. I dislike prep work sometimes. We have some fun activities for next week planned, but I have no energy to tackle the prep work. I'm such a procrastinator at times!!! LOL!! But there will be a great payoff....so "Eye on the prize...eye on the prize!!!"

5. I'm LOVING my Wii EA Active!! Very much. I love the basic Wii Fit incredibly, but sometimes I need a break from the more Eastern workout, and do some Western work! I love both though, but I need more resistance training. The Active offers that, while the Wii Fit uses your core...so both rock. The great thing about the Active is now two people can work together on the Wii where with the Fit, it is one at a time. So...come on over...YOU know who you are ;) We can still cool down with some yoga! Hmmm...with that thought, maybe I should go do that now.... :)

Blessings and TGIF!!!

Small Successes and Thankful Thursday

"It’s important to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph. So on Thursday of each week, we do exactly that."

1. I have managed to keep my home in order after that big clean up for guests (2 weeks ago thereabouts?). I still have my hot spots, but I don't feel so nervous when the unexpected but welcomed person arrives!

2. I have been doing a freezer and pantry clean out and preparing foods we've had on hand for too long. So, I've been cooking a lot more and we've enjoyed it, and shopped less!

3. I took advantage of Skin Cancer Awareness month and free screenings and went yesterday to get checked (some fabulous friends did a co-op with kids, so we moms could take turns and go kid free). I did this last year and it went great (I go because of my skin type, family history, past exposure, etc and have done it now a few years in a row). This year I'm so glad I went because they found some spots to watch - nothing alarming or needs immediate testing, but a "watch and see" mode and to memorize how my 'freckle moles' (I swear, I did NOT know moles could look like freckles, I thought they were thicker and stood out from the skin) look so I can see any more changes. So, whew!! I'm glad I went!!! Go get checked people!!!

Thankful Thursday

I'm so incredibly thankful for....

1. the area we live. It is so family friendly, small, green, diverse, and warm. Maybe that is just me being "rosey", but it is how I feel about our home.
2. For friends willing to host their home, and friends to co-op, so we moms can take care of ourselves and get healthy checks and screenings. The care taker needs care too!
3. My eldest daughter - who delights my days with hysterical commentary, imagination, and love. Her smile lights up my whole world. She's incredible.
4. For my baby daughter - now 11 months old (I need to post some more milestones! I'm certainly not writing in her baby book for some reason...). Her smiles and gentle manner draw others in, and I love her effect on the world.
5. that fact I can proudly say that the world is a better place because my two daughters are in it.
6. my husband. We celebrate 8 years married together (11 + years total) on June 2nd. I'm so grateful he's my partner in crime and such a support to our family. I love you.
7. For the excitement next week will bring and the friends helping to make the magic happen.
8. For rain, because we need it, and it sounds so nice on my roof.
9. For my parents to live so close they'll have sleepovers with Lovely like they will be doing tonight/tomorrow.
10. For my God, who is there for me, even when I'm not for Him! Love you Man!!!

And, I'm thankful for you - who ever you are, where ever you are. Peace!!!

*** Edited to add a prayer request/thankful thought - how could I forget to be grateful for a friend's great niece (only 2 years old) having her cancerous brain tumor completely removed??!! It all has happened fast, but a tumor that was not expected to be fully operable actually came out in whole. At the last update, she finally was off the ventilator and they just needed her to be more aware to start chemo (it did spread to her spine). She's TWO. Please pray for this sweet little soul. Pray for some good updates ahead!!! Thank You.

Wordless Wednesday - "Need Lipstick" and "Appreciate YOU" Edition

Below are two pics from 2005. One, is a young, 2 year old Lovely, covered in my lipstick (you know something is up if they get TOO quiet....) and the other was from a work Christmas party where I taught high school. Lovely's pic just made me smile (and where did her precious curls go??!!) and for the party pictures I wanted to post it because at the time it was taken, I had voices in my head telling me I was fat and not good enough. I never really enjoyed the picture. I look at this ViolinMama of the past, before two kids, and want to tell her - "Stop it you smoking hot MAMA! You are blessed with a body that is healthy and works and you are a beauty in and out!!" Why is it we women hate pictures we take today, but then appreciate them tomorrow? We need to just embrace today!!

Now...as for hubby's goatee....I'm not embracing it...HAHA! Looks cool, not fun to kiss!

Happy Memorial Day

THANK YOU to all who serve, and have served
for our country.

I'm especially proud of my 86 year old father, a veteran of WWII and Korea
as well as the reserves who flew missions for the OSS - before they were the CIA and before there was even an Air Force (back then, the air corp was part of the army).

He went to speak at the local history museum about his experiences on Sunday.

While his original air corp uniform from WWII was lost in a move, his original Air Force uniform and decorations are still in his possession, and he can still fit into them - AMAZING! Here he is below.

THANK YOU daddy!!! Happy Memorial Day!

He is a Lt. Col. Retired.

Friday/Saturday Five

LOL. I'm a tad bit busy, but I can throw out 5 things for my personal record. I hope at some point to have more time to blog more of my daily and personal life, and my deep thoughts - but I've had self inflicted mommy guilt that I should be living life, not blogging it - but still, I love writing. I'll do what I can!! Lucky for me I "photo blog" (take pics almost constantly) so I can look back and remember what to write. If I have time HAHA!

1. I am the mother to a preK graduate!! Lovely had her ceremony this morning at her school. Some pics below.

Processing in....

lining up to sing.

Singing the blues.....

singing a prayer....

graduating!

Proud family! (Baby Val fell asleep and missed the picture....)

I'm sorry, but when did this happen? When did Lovely become 5, ready to head off to Kindergarten, and graduate PreK? It's a small school, so all the teachers excitedly told me today that Lovely JUST learned to finally pump her legs on the swing yesterday!!! We've been working on this for 2 years at home and school. I thought it was so great to see how her timing worked out and how excited her teachers were. It is a sweet, sweet school!! Even though we are entertaining homeschooling after Kindergarten, we love this school, and Baby Val could probably be here also one day, and any other siblings, far too soon - just like her sister leaving it was far too soon as well. I wish I could dedicate some long post on my feelings, and I will....soon. My heart and brain are buzzing!!!

2. The day got away from me with my niece staying with us the rest of the day (and will this weekend) so we've been doing family things. We've actually had a blast hanging in the backyard and playing together, listening to music, and dancing lol!!! Just me and the girls in my life HAHA! I need to figure out how to post videos....at my peril! Yes, I was dancing haha!

3. When Daddy came home, we decided to take a local game store up on a deal - trade in 3 Wii games and get the new EA Active Wii Fit workout for FREE. It was a great deal, as it comes with all this workout gear for two. It is only Day 1, but I like it! Very much! My niece and I did two workouts tonight, and they kicked our booties! Since I "semi" work out - I picked the harder levels. Ummmmmmm, let's just say in Wii speak hard means "excruciating". So, we switched to "easy" mode. Well, uhhhhhhh, let's just say easy means "HUMBLING" in Wii speak....so I have a lot to do to work on my fitness lol - like I didn't already know that! lol! Yet, it is a great challenge and so many choices and complete workouts - very fun at the same time. I'll be sore tomorrow.

4. I just have to say - GO ME! For the 1st time in what feels like 3 years, I mowed our yard today. With my niece here to babysit, I decided to give Hubby a break on a busy weekend (honestly, I need his help and attention this weekend, so this was selfish in motivation hahahaha) and even with some sprinkling of rain, got the front and back mowed. Yippee! But, I will happily return such duties to him lol, though it was fun at the same time. Our Sunday is packed after church and having the yard done, even if it rains all weekend, will just make us feel better about things (does that make sense?).

5. I have such an imagination. I day dream as I did as a child inspired by all my book reading. I'll admit, as I mowed the grass - in my mind I was out on the prairie, plowing the fields, struggling with my plow (as I wrestled with the silly mower), guiding my horse, with my long hair streaming behind me and long skirts bellowing around me. HAHA! I'm not kidding. Really. Talk about a real woman. Don't mess with a Pioneer Heroine. heh.

Well, on THAT note....I'd better be off. Much love!!

Small Successes and Thankful Thursday

"It’s important to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph. So on Thursday of each week, we do exactly that."

1. I have managed to keep the house CLEAN since getting the house "guest ready" (as if my family isn't worth it haha). It's been nice though feeling more on top of it. I have my good and bad weeks and this is one of those good weeks. I've even had a play date and it still looks good. I'm very excited!

2. I only have one more (big) load of laundry to fold. This is after having mountains and mountains of it. I got lax about doing a load a day so it crept up on me!

3. I have been working on crafts, and having Lovely work on crafts too. Hubby picked up more for me last night to do. They will be Teacher gifts and some family presents for events coming up. Having that done is a good feeling!!

Share your list below or on your blog!

Thankful Thursday
I am thankful that...

1. I had the opportunity to get out 2 nights this week with wonderful girlfriends. It was nice to stop, and get me out of the house and connect with other friends.

2. That S had a wonderful mother's day and love on her anniversary - awesome! That makes me smile. For many reasons - especially how deserved it was.

3. in a world where my own family has been touched with childhood cancer and lost, that T's niece has had one giant positive step in her battle and they got the tumor out of her brain completely!

4. that the weather the last two days (not today lol) has been so glorious we've spent most of it outside! Napping in the sun rocks!!! Family time is even better.

5. that this coming weekend will bring time with family and friends - a graduation party, a BBQ in our backyard, and a baptism. These moments are precious.
Share your reasons to be thankful, and much love!

Wordless Wednesday - "Kid attacks WebCam" Edition

I posted 3 of these pics yesterday, but had to share more. Here is Lovely at different times of the day playing with the animations of the webcam. She's either twinkling with stars, or trying to "eat" a kite flying on the screen. I'm glad though that I'm not the only mom with webcam loving kids.

HA!

So with out further adieu - Wordless Wednesday!

"Not Me!" and Day Book Monday Catch Up

"Are you feeling ashamed for letting your child go to bed without brushing his teeth...again? Did you Twitter on your cell phone during a meeting without anyone knowing? Feel bad for screaming at the cat or eating Pop Tarts and coffee for breakfast? Are you embarrassed that you are far from perfect? We'll don't be. Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!"

When I read MckMama's blog (great photography, humor, inspiration, and mom of 4 kids under 4) and her list of "not me's" (I love sarcasm and working on being less worrisome and serious) I thought I'd try to jump in sometime with my own list. We'll see how it goes with my tongue in cheek.

I certainly did NOT eat half a bag of potato chips today at lunch right after someone said "Wow, you are SO disciplined now since you lost some weight." I did not. I know for a fact they were not tasty, and so of course I did not eat them, especially on top of a weekend of Italian food. "NOT ME!"

I certainly did not probably drink 6 glasses of wine as the conversation flowed at our Supper Club Italian night that went past 12 midnight. "NOT ME!" lol

I certainly never leave baby Valiant in the same baby clothes she does not dirty, wet, drool on or sweat in for 3 days at a time or more to keep life easy. "NOT ME!"

I certainly did not clean my house from top to bottom simply because we were having visitors this weekend. I totally clean my house like this all the time, because my family is worth it. Extra cleaning for people who have never been in my house is something I don't do, ever - "NOT ME!"

I did not talk too much at prayer group and Familia this morning. I never talk too much. "Not Me!"

I most certainly am NOT licking a Tootsie Roll Pop as I type this, especially after writing about NOT eating chips. "Not Me."

LOL!!!! Did anyone have fun reading that? "Not Me!"
Now, onto my daybook:


Outside my window…what started off as cloudy is now glorious! We will definitely be outside today! After I post this, I'm going for a run as Hubby is home working today!

I am thinking...what a busy week I have ahead. I'm already tired (in a good way) just thinking about it - but it will be a a GREAT week with amazing people.

I am thankful for...being able to laugh in spite of myself. My husband able to be with us more today, getting out tonight for a 31st B-day celebration, MNO tomorrow night with friends, and so much more! Oh wait...I'm thankful for Hubby being ok with be going out 2 nights in a row....Yippee!

From the kitchen…I'm eating out tonight - I need to see what I can leave for the family. Wow - 2 nights in a row of me being out...I need to plan something.

I am wearing... brown cropped pants and a blue button down collared shirt.

I am creating…a photo book of Valiant's first year (wah!!!! She's almost a year old in another month!!)

I am going…to take Lovely to her piano lesson soon.

I am reading…(lately) my craft magazines and Daily Word for this month.

I am hoping…that I stay rested this week and caught up on the house - it is so tidy right now!

I am hearing…Lovely practicing the piano with her Daddy (I love him being home today!)

Around the house…I have laundry to fold after a workout.

One of my favorite things…is a funny from today. Lovely "graduates" from preK on Friday and when she got into the car today she told me "Today we practiced the 'I Love You' song, and they told us it would make all the mommies cry - but NOT you mommy. You are not allowed to cry. You can be the only mommy not crying which will make the song good. I don't want you crying, just laughing at all the crying mommies and it will be a happy day."

A few plans for the rest of the week: Today, a night out for J's b-day, tomorrow night is out with mommy friends for a needed Mom's Night Out (MNO), a baby gathering on Wed, baptism of our adopted nephew on Saturday, and a family graduation on Sunday. WHEW!!!

Here is 'picture thought' I am sharing…

I'll share these three pics. While obviously on the phone, on the bed, with the baby (see background) Lovely was playing on our computer and learned how to turn on the webcam and the features/graphics of the webcam. She's 5 and has discovered how to do the webcam (um yes, let's make sure she never starts a webcast on the internet...yes, we'll prohibit that) but it seems to provide loads of fun and me time for the phone as I'm not even paying attention to her HAHA! The little kite in the picture is an animation on the webcam and apparently she was trying to catch it in her mouth - and took a ton of pictures trying it. I have about 80 of these pictures of her doing this, with me just talking away on the bed. Parent of the Year!!! HAHAH! I love the laundry on the bed to...I'm working so hard!!!







Much love! Many Laughs!

Friday Five and Flashback Fridays!

1. Let's just get right to it....who watched the Grey's Anatomy finale?? HELLO??!!! The writers were obviously in positive creative overdrive...what a STORY LINE!!! I went into the episode completely unspoiled, so WHAT A RIDE, and how do I make it till the next season and the premier? AHHH!!!! Did you hear my "Ahhhhh's!!" at your house?

2. Do not. I repeat. Do not EVER go to a Trader Joe's on an empty stomach. EVAH! You'll end up helping out the economy with your own personal bailout spending plan. We went for the first time tonight to get some wine, etc for an Italian themed Supper Club dinner party at out house Saturday, and went about crazy there with yummy and healthy organic and AFFORDABLE foods. Another big plus, especially for a dinner party? 2 Buck Chuck! Another cute moment? Lovely finding out they have metal, kid sized shopping carts!!! She was so proud of herself pushing and shopping with her own cart. She's never pushed a kid sized cart to our knowledge - GASP! She walked with a purpose. It was TOO CUTE!! This picture didn't capture her smile, but she was so into her cart:

3. Today I'll be cleaning, cleaning, and cleaning. I have to admit that one side effect of having new people over makes one get a very clean and organized house. I'm sure though I'll crash with tiredness on Sunday after church lol. But, I hope to squeeze in a nap at some point today. I was feeling VERY tired yesterday - I needed one!

4. We experimented with the dinner we will be making Saturday, and it turned out pretty good. It will be Spinach Manicotti alla Romana. It's a multi pan dish which is not my forte, so I wanted to practice. It was yummy. I hope our Supper group likes it. In any case, it has been nice to get to know new, and old, friends from our church and share some fellowship, faith, and food! We hope to eat dinner outside, and maybe even use some tiki torches as the sun sets. We always have wanted to do the torches, but when we host, we tend to have lots of kids around, and fire isn't really safe - but this will be a kid free dinner, so bring on the fire!!! And bug spray....LOL.

5. Our water heater does not heat. The light's out on it. I was trying to find out how safe it would be for us to relight it, but it seems pretty dangerous because we have a contained water heater. So, we now have 'No Rinse' Shampoo for quick, non freezing hair washing and no rinse body wash for a quick sponge bath. The water is super cold, and it seems Monday is the earliest any professional can come fix/relight. Whoa....we'll just use this time to appreciate the comforts of life. It's good to be reminded at times not to take things for granted. We have it so easy compared to others!! Brrrrr! Plus, God has a sense of humor, right? He's keeping it real! lol

***I'll give more details when I can, but I got to meet another blogger yesterday! How cool!!***

From Scary Mommy - "You know those posts that you wrote way back when only your mother was reading? The ones you wish actual people had read? That’s what Flashback Fridays are for. Don’t have any? How about that old story or photo that you could never find a reason to post? Don’t be shy! Republish it today...play along!"

I only recently started blogging, but I'll play along as I can. Maybe with photos at some point. I LOVE old pics. Here is a post from a sarcastic day.

Click here for 'Hugged a Rhino Lately?"

TGIF!!!!

Grey's Anatomy!!!!

AHHH!!!

AHHHH!!!

AHHHHH!!!

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

aaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhahhhhhhhhhhaahaahhhahhhahahahhahaahhhhh!!

Small Successes and Thankful Thursday

Top o' the morning to ya!!! Today is a GREAT day to be thankful and celebrate the little things we accomplish during the week when one feels like nothing gets done!

"It’s important to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph. So on Thursday of each week, we do exactly that."

1. I ran my 5k!! I almost did not, because the morning of I was so tired. I was like, "oh well." But something inside me just made me get up. I had not pre-registered so skipping the race would have been fine, but now I'm THRILLED I did it. I shaved a little off my personal "best" (haha...I'm not fast) and came in at 37:35. It was empowering to run, and I'm so glad I did it!!

2. I've managed to survive last week. Does that count? HAHA! Last week was not one of my favorite weeks for MANY reasons - most importantly all the procedures and surgeries, and then for other reasons - comments, mistakes on my end, etc. This week has been more restful and focused. I'm moving ahead, filled with the Spirit and my chin up!!!

3. I've been trying to give more to my hubby this week and reconnect. With the addition of the baby I've felt like we've been a great team.....a wonderful team...of roommates. I wanted to change that this week and be his wife again, not just spouse and mother. I had to dig deep, try to find the "former girlfriend" of years past, and just stretch myself some. I don't want our kids to graduate high school, leave our home, and us look at each other and go "well, that was great, they turned out well - but who are you again?" I hope I can keep it up. It honestly can be tiring!!

Share your list on your blog or below in the comments!!!

Thankful Thursday

I'm so thankful that....

1. everyone healed up so well from all their ailments last week.
2. that I have been blessed with amazing friends who love, challenge, and accept me for who I am.
3. I made it to yoga this week! It was my 1st beginner's class and it felt good to stretch!
4. Hubby and I are about to have our 8th wedding anniversary. I'm really blessed!! Wow.
5. I'm reminded not to take life, my kids, my marriage, Hubby's job, my family, and friends for granted on a daily basis.
6. My God is there for me even when I'm not for Him.
7. every day is a new day, a new start.
8. that I currently in good health. Good health is everything, without it....wow....
9. That C's skin cancer was caught early enough to be removed without much stress and amazed that it was caught during Skin Cancer Awareness Month. GO GET CHECKED!!!

Thankful for today!!! Thankful for any readers too who want to post or comment their list!

Much love!

Wordless Wednesday - "I did it" Edition lol

Crossing the finish line - 37:35 - I may not have had a fast time - but I finished with a smile - HA!!
5K Race - May 9th, 2009

Wanted: grace

I wrote this a week ago. I didn't post it at the time because it is personal, and I did not want to post it out of anger. I wanted to write it, get it out of my system, and then post it sometime for the absurdity of it all. The whole "are you KIDDING me" factor. Obviously, nothing in my life is perfect or "rosy" all the time. Maybe someone else out there has similar voices to contend with, or to ignore. In any case, here was the more absurd side of last week.

I choose to laugh about it now and to Let Go, Let God. So, enjoy reading below!

***

I am currently a woman seeking grace (haha! Just like my girl Holly).

Today has been stressful. Two parents, two separate medical procedures with anesthesia, two big deals. Add that to lots of extended family around waiting with us in the waiting room to support and love us, and you really get an emotional circus. The support can be humbling and uplifting. It can also wear you down. This is where I need some grace. Grace to turn the other cheek, or just laugh it off because of the ABSURDITY of certain spoken words.

A little back story on this. My family is pretty amazing and tightly knit. Maybe tightly woven is the better term. So woven, that it is hard to cut cords as we mature and age, all while still appreciating the strong bond we have and being grateful for that love because not every family can be there for each other as ours is (think "My Big Fat Greek Wedding). It's a delicate dance, and I am grateful (so grateful) that I have family members that love me enough to dance with. Still....I could use some grace.

Another back story - Hubby does not have contact with immediate or extended family on his side - so my family (and our friends) is all we have.

When Lovely was a baby, I worked. I was a teacher. Lovely spent the work days alternating with extended family and a babysitter. She was VERY comfortable going with anyone because it was her routine, and she especially loved her days with loving extended family. Hubby and I felt blessed she was with people who really loved her and protected her. They also got bonded with her too. So much, that at times - they felt their bond coupled with their extensive knowledge of children, made them more adept at parenting Lovely than I was. Even when Lovely began to go EVERY day to the baby sitter's, the bond was already strong (a GREAT thing love wise) to the point where still these extended family members felt they always knew best when it came to Lovely's needs, and because I was a young working mother and grad student they felt I just did not have the same touch and wisdom because I was not home with her like they were. To them I was a 50+ hour business week worker/student and a 20 hour a week business week mother- so they "knew best" and tried to compensate. I'll admit Hubby and I began to feel there was a lot more support towards Lovely's needs than maybe the acceptance and loving support a working mother needs when struggling to find that balance of work and family. More often than not, the words of these family members made me feel I was hurting my daughter by working and made me question myself on parenting decisions, schedules, etc. I felt VERY guilty for having to work. There was also more support of Lovely than support of my own marriage (at least in the actions and words of others). It was a hard time. Again, it did lead us to hiring the babysitter full time until I quit working - but the fibers were woven. Today, the bond is as strong as ever, even though I'm a stay at home mother of two. These different family members still feel they know Lovely the best, know her needs, and in pointing the out - even seem to exclude Baby Val as well in their comments. I know they don't mean it - or probably FEEL that way....it is just the power of their words. I sometime leave a conversation feeling very broken. I have spoken up, even fought, for more respect of my position and confessing the pain of their comments only for them to stop for a while, then start back up. People don't change easily. Hence, my need for grace.

So - back to the waiting room. My father was getting his procedures done - my extended family waiting together. I even had my uncle and aunt there. Baby Val was with us too. Now, as a stay at home mom with a young baby, obviously Baby Val knows me best. She also, at 10 months old, is in that "Mommy Only" stage. She does study others carefully before sharing her smiles, but once she really knows you - she is all smiles and interaction. If I leave her sight though while she is with you - prepare for her cries! Well, the following list is what I sat and listened to extended family say until I had to take Val for a walk to get a break. The words in ( )'s are my responses, either internal or spoken.

- Is Val more serious than Lovely was? I remember Lovely was far more friendly and loving (not so bad, but still made me wince that maybe some were stating preferences rather than observations)

- Val loves you like Lovely loved us (so.....that means because I worked, Lovely never really loved me as deeply as you and only Baby Val loves me and I missed out? thanks....)

- She's so clingy to you. Have you weaned yet? Had her use a sippy cup yet? She's far too needy of you that is has to be too hard on you for you to leave her. It's unfair to leave a baby so clingy if you need to go off and do something (wait, I thought you all wanted me to be a stay at home mother....)

- When I had young children, we never went anywhere. Even with siblings. We stayed home, or the back yard or park and made sure nap times were adhered to, etc and chores and cleaning done. Nowadays, stay at home moms do "clubs" or "co ops' and meet everyday. No one really stays home, keeps routines, or cleans their home because of their busy activities. (wait...again I say, I thought you all wanted me to be a stay at home mother....now because I do, I'm still not good enough? I'm still too busy to parent?)

- [sister holding Val on her legs in her lap - letting her stand and giggle, making family ask me:] Is she trying to pull up on things yet? (I respond with no, but she is rolling around now to get things, and the Ped isn't worried because she is a small fry, so she isn't ready to do more yet. She will in her own time). In response a family member than said - "Oh no, she'd be doing more, except Val gets left in her gymini and bouncer most of the time when she's not held, so she doesn't get a chance to pull up on things." (UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH......what??? Is that my head pounding from my blood pressure? I pick Val up and teasingly say to her on purpose for my family members - "Oh Val....silly ____, do they live with us? They don't see all the cool things you do!" and left it at that).

After that, I went for my walk. I didn't want to start commenting back, or even fighting back. Not at the hospital. Not then. My sister came out to get water and we talked about it. I told her I'm not very good at this (being there and care taking with them), I'm too argumentative and sarcastic to keep my comments to myself in my defense on a day like today....in a hospital for my dad's HEART PROCEDURE! I told her my greatest fear as my family ages, all of them, is to know that days are numbered and we never know when God calls us home, and it could happen after these hurtful comments, or when I'm avoiding these family members to get a break and I'd feel so guilty and torn up about the past if I lost them. I feel so saddened because we are family and we need each other, need to treasure each other, because of time moving on quickly. I know they don't mean to stab my spirit with these words, but they do - and even when told, they don't stop. Their idea of love is this total honesty and "wisdom" so perhaps Hubby and I can make better choices....."their choices." It's a bitter pill to swallow. A hard dance to attempt. Friends say laugh it off, other family say to ignore it, my faith says to turn the other cheek and love them in spite of it all. But, I still feel broken. I left the hospital angry and sad, and again for a short time questioning my parenting instead of praying in the car for the health and recovery of my parents' procedures. I need me some grace. Big time. I also struggle with I do NOT deserve their comments - I don't. Plain and simple. But these people can't change, and most days are super loving. They are just of a different generation and opinion. I'm the only variable that can change.

Because, the bond I feel with my family sometimes seems to be more like bondage. And I really don't want it to be that way. I need grace - because I do love my family.

Thanks for the prayers!

Happy Mother's Day

Happy Mother's Day Mom.

you've always been there to hold my hand....


and in doing so inspired me to now hold her hand.



Thank you, on behalf of my daughters.

I love you.

Friday Five and Flashback Fridays!

Hello!

Today is sooooo nice! I'm still in my PJs, woke up with BOTH my girls safe in our bed, and knowing today is a day of REST. No excuses. I'm very appreciative after this long, emotional, week. Valiant is sleeping her "morning" nap pretty late, and Lovely is relaxing here with me. She's doing really well. She's sore, but the medication helps, as well as ice cream, yogurt, pudding, and popsicles! My parents are also recouping well from their procedures this week - so all around, we are lucky, blessed folks this week!

Ahem: on to the Friday Five....

1. I need an escape!!!! Does anyone else ever feel that way? This week has messed with me. I was more concerned about my parents than I really knew I was, and of course Lovely's surgery with anesthesia had Hubby and I concerned. But we were surrounded by amazing family and friends who called, prayed, or e-mailed to check in, watched our kids for us, or just listen. I've never been more tired (or, ok, I have known this tired feeling, but pack on a dose of concern and it is more tiring lol) and this week did a number on me! So, what's the best escape and mental vacation from events and decisions good and bad this week? Why, TREKKING of course! When hubby gets home from work, I'm leaving the kids with him and "boldly going" with some friends for a quick break and see the new movie STAR TREK at an Imax theatre. I'm hoping it is entertaining and a nice escape to help me "Live Long, and Prosper!" - HA!!!

2. So, silly me missed the online sign up for a 5K race tomorrow - but I can still sign up in the morning pre-race. Do you think I'll still get a T-shirt? I wouldn't be running if I couldn't attend so easily - and Lovely will be resting and sleeping in, so I might be back to get Val before she wakes up. After the race, there is a parade my mommy group usually walks in, but I'm not sure who all can be here since it is Mother's Day weekend and some are traveling. If we don't march, it works out for me since I should probably get home to Lovely. But, depending on the weather and if Valiant needs to get out, maybe I'll just take her. We'll see. I'm totally open and flexible to whatever happens. I could easily cuddle and nap with my girls ALL weekend!

3. Yesterday at the end of my post I asked how people forgive themselves. I was beating myself up for a personal mistake/misstep this week. I'm happy to report I'm feeling a lot better. I had friends tell me that knew about it to not worry...that I was thinking too much about it and even though I didn't mean it, it was a great teaching point for the future. Still, I could not let it go. I was embarrassed and sorry I hurt anyone because I myself can get so wounded. Today I am better. Maybe it was the "letting go" or the talking it out, or really, just getting some SLEEP. I did over worry, but still feel twinges of guilt. I'm a big fan of confession - but if I can't get there, I still need to work on forgiving myself since I'm already very sorry. I know where I'll be headed this weekend lol! Gotta love that release of saying what happened and feeling the grace pour on. Until I can get there though I was blessed that I was among forgiving friends who can easily talk things out and were very loving and open in their perspective giving. How many people can say they have friends like that? Honest yet loving? I am grateful and blessed, and undeserving - but thrilled. That is the boost I cling to! One of my friends called me and asked me what I thought about our group of woman pals starting a weekly prayer group - so we can have a safe place to ask for prayers, get a boost, or share our weights, worries, mistakes, and help getting advice, forgiveness, etc. If that positive idea came out of any mistake on my part, I'm grateful (but still sorry..LOL. I know, I know....). We all need prayer and support in this journey - especially women!!

4. Happy Early Mother's Day!!!! Any exciting plans in the works for you? We'll do church Sunday morning and then Brunch with my mom and dad at the dinning hall of their home. It should be nice. Depending on how Lovely is feeling we may hang around for a music concert there. I know my mom would love it if we stayed. We'll see what happens.

5. I just have to giggle at my girls. They are both now on my bed, playing with each other, and some 'Get Well Soon" balloons Lovely got. They seem happy, even when tired. I have a feeling after the baby eats, she'll be getting ready for nap #2 and all 3 of us will get some needed rest together! I love cuddle time!!!

On that note, I should wrap up and feed the baby her late lunch. I'll end with Jill's new meme "Flash Back Friday's" (posting old posts from the archives, or just posts or pics one never got around to). I just started blogging, so I'm not sure how much longer I can really do this meme on Fridays (since my posts are not very old), but I thought the below one would be nice since I'm meeting new blog friends and an intro might be nice! I'll participate as I can. I appreciate Jill sending me a prize last week randomly, so I do this for her today in appreciation. Have a GREAT day!!!!!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Fine, Fine Fine....I GIVE in!!!

Enough Already!! I'll blog!!!

Ok, ok...so I'm heading back into the trenches! After the birth of baby girl #1 in 2003, I discovered the online baby community of iP, and discovered wonderful people, a way to share with family and friends, post pics, and talk and talk and talk other than directly in your ear ;) 2004 dragged me in to the world of blogs, and I have to say it was therapeutic! Then we moved, and I just fell away from it all.

Well, fast forward to 2009. I'm still reading those blogs, and have even more best friends who use the internet to share their lives. I've had a second baby girl, am still addicted to my camera, like to post pics, and need to capture the firsts in my life again in word and film. Also, those who know me best know I talk. I talk and talk and talk. I ramble on what I'm feeling, pray about feeling, think about feeling, want to feel, assume you feel, feel like feeling....ZZZZZzzzzzzzz.....

Um.....you still there?

So, basically I am bringing back this outlet. Other friends are doing it. I like them doing it. I love reading, I keep in touch. So I guess I'll give it a go, again. I can't promise I'll update every day, week, or month. In fact, I'll probably update a lot at first, then blogging will lose its newness and excitement. It'll become like any worthy relationship - in need of constant work, dedication, and spirit to last, after the sexy new stage has passed. Yeah I said it...sexy. Oh yeah.

Wanna join me for the journey? Well than, welcome to your (hopefully) daily dose of a Rose-y (hehe) Outlook on Life. The name fits, for many reasons, the obvious and not so obvious. It fits our family unit, as well as my view on the world. I'm an optimist, spiritual "God's got me even if I struggle with letting go" happy go lucky, life is good and what you make of it, sunshiny gal. Life IS good, and I'd rather look at things happily, and have an er, ahem...rosy outlook on the life I've been given. Even though the flip side of me is a worrier, and I struggle at embracing a pure confidence in many things, I still prefer at the end of the day to embrace the good, because life is too short. I'm reminded every day. We need to find the joy - work at it if we have to. And, I have to use my brain, heart, and soul to do this - with a lot of help and faith.

Ok, so let me set the cast of characters. This isn't some network when you "friend" me and I allow you in. I'm exposed on the web, so I'll just attempt at changing things around. We'll see how long that lasts too.

ViolinMama - me. I get that from being both a Mama, and a Violinist. Both aspects pour from my soul. I'm a nurturer....and for better or for worse, one can't stop that flowing from inside! Though, I should break out the instrument more so to not be rusty....haha. I'm a former high school teacher (I still miss it, can't wait to visit this week!) now SAHM and love EVERY minute of it. I'm very grateful for that blessing everyday, and I can honestly say I still have not taken it for granted.

Gift - Hubby. I may call him Hubby more than "Gift", but in looking at what his name means, "gift" was PERFECT. He is God's gift to me. Now, he's not perfect and he's pretty stubborn (come one babe, once you admit I'm always right it'll be all good! HA) - but we are committed to working at this for better or for worse. He's pretty awesome for living with me, and dealing with me, and demonstrates a forgiving love as close to unconditional as humans can get. As I said...he's a gift. Not sure what I did though to get him ;) Music is a theme in this blog, as it permeates our family. Hubby plays flute, among other things, and music brought us together. We definitely have a soundtrack playing in our lives.

Lovely - This is Daughter #1. She's 5. She is truly our 1st in all ways. Lovely does describe her. She came at our busiest time in life, and for a while was our only child - and is she ever loved!!! She's imaginative, hysterically funny, loving, a constant smiler, dramatic, formally only child, totally has us wrapped around her finger, enchants us, challenges us, is extremely musically inclined, creative, emotional, observant, smart, and SPIRITED. Oh wow. I'm exhausted at the end of the day, but it's the best kind of tired. She's inspiring me to think VERY hard about homeschooling. Not to keep her in some bubble - but to work with her and learn with her in a way that frees her up to tackle even more, be more involved and social in her many interests. We'll see if that ever takes us anywhere....but we have been doing a lot of preK activities at home, and she really loves it! I doubt we'd do anything like that till 1st grade because of where we are in life currently.

Valiant - This is daughter #2, our baby (seriously, she's still a baby). Her nickname isn't very feminine - so I can see her becoming "Val" - but it was a meaning of her name that we liked. She hasn't had to be valiant yet (unless putting up with us counts HAHAHA), but that inner strength could play a big role later on for her. Currently she has captured our hearts. When you have one child, you wonder how the heck you love another baby....then she showed up and our hearts just exploded, Lovely's too! She's captured us all. She is so smiley!! She loves her big sister, and loves on us, and it is so much fun to see all the milestones again. We definitely pray for more....but we need some more sleep first lol!

I've gotten some pics up around the blog of this family I'm head over heals for - so enjoy, and I'm sure I'll post a bazillion more. Thanks for wading through this verbiage (so me!). Instead of writing all this, I should have just left the 1st entry intro as simply my tagline:

a glimpse into the things that make or break my outlook on life. Most importantly, my faith, family and friends, the ramblings of my brain, the desires of my heart, and the sound track of my soul.

Thanks for reading. I appreciate you.
_______________
TGIF!!!!!!

Small Successes and Thankful Thursday

AND Thankful Thursday!!!!!

"It’s important to recognize that all the small successes in our days can add up to one big triumph. So on Thursday of each week, we do exactly that."

My successes this week are more God's successes - but they are the top 3 of my Thankful Thursday list!!!

1. My mom's cataract surgery on her eye went SO well. She can now see perfectly out of both eyes, read signs, and books even better! Yippee!

2. My dad's heart procedure went PERFECTLY. He's back in normal heart rhythm. He's so healthy - we are grateful!!!

3. Lovely's adenoid removal surgery went SWIMMINGLY today. It was over in 20 minutes. Recovery was longer, but she was a trooper! She did better than mommy and daddy (on the inside lol).

God IS Good! Thanks for YOUR prayers!!!

I'm off to bed...more tomorrow. I'm emotionally and physically wiped out!

***Do other people out there ever have success at forgiving themselves for missteps? I'm not too good at it, and would like to get a weight off my heart for a mistake I did that I took personally on my end. I guess time will tell.

Wordless Wednesday - 'Silhouette on a Plane' Edition

Recap of Today - Daybook style

First off....THANK you for your prayers, thoughts, comments, and calls. Thank you.

To update....

Outside my window…dark, muggy, but cool. A nice spring evening. It ends this very hectic day well.

I am thinking... how tired I am. I'm using this time to update family, friends, and the blog about today's medical procedures for my parents before bed.

I am thankful for...today going so well. AMEN! My mom's (eye) cataracts surgery went routinely, and my father's catheterized ablation for his heart went well too. They got his heart rhythm back the 1st try, and reported my 86 yo father's heart is healthier than most 50 yo hearts! Go Daddy! Thank you God!!

From the kitchen…I was not home for dinner, but had a nice Mexican meal at my parents 'post procedures' with my sister.

I am wearing... pants and red shirt.

I am creating…gifts for mother's day this weekend! And, little games and fun activities to keep Lovely occupied while resting up from her surgery this Thursday on her adenoids.

I am going…back to my parents' house tomorrow to bring groceries and hang out with my dad tomorrow while my sister takes my mom to get her eye patch off when Lovely gets out of school.

I am reading…lots of medical info for my family to stay informed. Gotta love WebMD!!

I am hoping…and praying Lovely's procedure goes well Thursday. They gave us a time - 11am for surgery prep and surgery. She'll do great I know!! I'm also hoping to rise above some comments made today that wounded me some....but from people who won't change so I need to work on accepting that fact and letting things just roll. More on this in another entry - if I publish it. I wrote it all down and may post it sometime.....we'll see. I just love the people very much whose words made me wince and that makes things even more difficult.

I am hearing…the sound of the evening news in the background.

Around the house…enjoying a clean house! Got lots done on it this past Sun and Monday. It could always be straighter....but, I'll take what I can get!

One of my favorite things…hanging out with my sister today, and being with friends at their house this past weekend. Pics to come...one day lol!

A few plans for the rest of the week: Errands tomorrow and family time, Lovely's surgery on Thursday, recouping with her Fri, Sat, and Sunday. Possibly running a 5K early Saturday, and Mother's Day is this Sunday!!!

Here is 'picture thought' I am sharing…

Just a pic of hubby and I all gussied up in 2004. Who doesn't like a little glamor? I promise I never look like this HAHA!!

Whew! I'm bushed. Thank the Lord for a successful day. God IS Good!!

Quick Update :) Prayers Rock!

Quick Update: Mom's eye went well this morning, Dad's got pushed back and he only just finished but is doing well and heart is in rhythm. Will be in recovery about 3 hour to monitor, then we get him back home with mom. Thanks for prayers!

Prayers Needed Today

Hey! Well, I never could get time to do my Monday Day Book. I'll make that a goal sometime tomorrow to decompress after my morning. Today (Tues) is a big day. My sister is here sleeping over to help us get the day off well. Our parents are both having procedures done today - somehow they got scheduled the same day. My mom and dad are in their 70s and 80s respectively (my dad being 86) and my mom is getting cataracts surgery on one eye, and my dad is getting a heart ablation, both are in the morning. Both require anesthesia, and my dad's procedure includes stopping and restarting the heart. Both are "routine" (wow) and outpatient (wow). The baby and I will go to the hospital with my dad, my sister will be with my mom - then eventually they will come to the hospital. Lovely will be at school.

Everything gets started in a few hours at 5am.

Thanks for any thoughts and prayers sent our way. I'll update as I can. I EXPECT all to go swimmingly.

Hopefully later on Tues I can update the weekend, and day book today!

Goodnight! and THANKS. Off to bed before 5am catches me awake....

Flashback Friday

Well, nothing like a new blogging idea or contest to dig up on old post. Scary Mommy had this great idea to dig up old posts and have a Flashback Friday. Contest or not, I thought it was kinda fun. So, without further adieu - some old thoughts from me.

By the way - if you've read this already - fill free to just go to my BRAND new post from this morning, the Friday Five.

3/7/09

Spring Cleaning! (or maybe more like emotional release?)

Of course, as my husband leaves for 3 hours, and my oldest is at her grandparents till tomorrow, and the baby is asleep, and I'm here alone - I could just attack the house. Do a whirlwind straightening. Our house could use it. It's a bit chaotic since I've had little energy to touch it or encourage my family to help touch it too this week. But no. I sat down with my water and decided to check in with "ye ole blog". Inspired by the lovely weather, and fun at the park this morning, I have the energy to clean some, but first I wanted to create an outlet for myself with some feelings inside - write them out, get the out, and then let them go. It's one of the reasons why I opened a blog in the first place. So, as I spring clean my house some today in the quiet and solitude of MIA family members, I think I'll do some "soul cleaning" here.

I thrive on social activity. I love being with my family, and seeing my friends! My weeks are blessed to have the time for that. When I was working, I had a social outlet at work, but once Lovely was born, and I started grad school, I never got out much. Even when I finished school and was just a working mom and not a student too, I still didn't get out as much. So, having moved to our current home, now being home with my kids, and having met some of the best people EVER, I am the happiest I've been. Yet....sometimes I can't enjoy it all the time. I am constantly over analyzing my words, conversations, flaws, thoughts. I remember WAY too much, and many times it is the things I don't need to remember LOL! Why can't my brain work when I need it too (like paying people back I owe). It annoys me. And, if it annoys me - think of the friends that actually notice me doing it! My friends are saints for sticking by me!

Today was one of those days. I forewarn you not all you read here will make ANY sense. This entry if more for me. I caught myself today jumping in conversations - then thinking to myself "why did I just interject there? Interrupt?" For example - one was a conversation about social networking sites and to join them or not. I jumped in kinda to help give examples of sites people can use if they DON'T want to social network to avoid the peer pressure of joining - but I worried later "did I just just offend the person that prefers to network?" Plus, I wasn't in the conversation!!! Another time I found myself in a quiet moment rehashing things of the past I can't change, yet bringing them up because I guess I wanted to air my flaws before I worried others would. That is a real issue of mine. I'll belittle myself or past mistakes because I "assume" you are thinking, judging, and remembering them, and I'd rather say them out loud first so you "know I know". (HAHA, so, did THAT paragraph make ANY sense???!!)

So anyways - I just wanted to write those down so they are released to the universe (especially before I write an e-mail to send to these people, or call them, and really....that is not what I need to do. I just did it the other night, and that just causes more attention/stress than needed. Hello...LET GO ViolinMama! And, lol my e-mails have not been well written and clear lately, lol!) I honestly know WHY I overworry, overthink, and lose security. I could share it here, but it would probably be too long for 1 or 2 entries. I will say I've been wounded. Much of what I feel developed as "survival instincts" for those times mostly from childhood, but some as an adult dealing with some 'unchanging variables'. I could go talk to someone about them, but I had a great thought given to me. I know why I think as I think, so why stay "stuck" in my past talking about my past with someone? (not that I'm knocking seeing a counselor - I think they are great. I've seen them. They helped me figure out "me" and gave strategies to cope/improve/survive). What I need for "me" to do is to reclaim my present, and free up my future. More like life coaching myself. I can't change the past - and maybe I can't change "me" in the present (we all know from being married how we can't change our spouse) but I can work hard on "rewiring" how I think and react in the present, so I can have the richest future possible in emotional freedom.

I always chuckle at myself. I am a woman of deep faith. I "feel" so much. I know I am blessed, and I know when times are down and out - my faith has sustained me (such as Hubby's illnesses). God has never failed me, and if I lost my family in some accident tomorrow, I know my God is there for me and for them and I would never walk away from His strength and love. So, why can't I tap into that faith and just "let go, Let God" more in my daily life? Let Him take these feelings and yoke(s) on his shoulders? I guess that just shows I have to keep on growing. We all are called to carry our crosses with Jesus. Everyday. Something that really reminds us around spring and Easter. So, I guess I'll add this to the couple dozen crosses I bear - HA! 2009 has been a year I've pledged to grow in many areas (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and this is part of that process. So I'll work on both "letting go" more, and "carrying" my cross. I need to accept I am flawed, but STRONG and loved. I can stretch myself, grow, and improve. I may revert along the way - overworry, overthink - but I'll try and catch myself. Help me, if you will. I hope I can help you too. We'll stumble and fall together with our crosses - but I know we'll make it. I know I will. I will.

You know what? I just remembered. Jesus stumbled and fell with his cross too. More than once.

He eventually got where he needed to be. I know I will too.

Much love!!