Gaudete? Really?

Tonight I find myself on the eve of Gaudete Sunday. It is means Joyful Sunday.

Joy.

Really?

When I woke up this morning, I was feeling much different from yesterday - when I was filled with joy, hope, and excitement. Fridays are our new marriage therapy days (in fact, pray for us every Friday at 3pm EST please - we would grateful appreciate the prayers and strength). It was a good starting appointment (our first real one). And she mostly talked about how to renew ourselves as a couple - how to start communicating again. In the meeting - it all sounded good. We talked about starting quarterly pow wows to review how we were doing in our:

~ new goals for our marriage
~ new goals for our finances
~ updating wills
~ other estate docs
~ use this time to make sure we were carving out weekly dates each quarter.

To stay on track between these meetings, we should have 15 mins a day of kid free "couch time." Where we snuggle (without leading to anything else) and hold each other, touching hands/arms, etc. Comfort postures basically  - and while doing so talk about our day, us, goals, how we feel, what we are mad about etc and PRAY. We should also make sure weekly dates are planned. She really wants us to be kid free someplace once a week and preferably out of the house - it doesn't have to be an expensive thing...just an escape - hike, dinner, or dinner. Coffee shops work too. With all the separation and walls built up on Hubby's side in the panic he faced, and the ones I have now, coupled with the cooling that can come with a 10+ year marriage and 3 young children, she said we really need this to rebuild. She wants Hubby to start courting me again and making me feel like a wife and partner again or cherished worth.

I won't lie. I loved this idea. I already felt perked up! I keep saying how lonely I feel in all this. To know we were being assigned to date like we did when we first started dating was exciting and cheerful and hopeful  - especially with knowing we were getting started in therapy. It felt like reward in a way, and the start of a new journey toward "us." We left our session light in our steps, stopping for ice cream (on a cold day!) at a cute little parlor and we just smiled and talked, and felt "normal".

Then, this morning I woke up from a night of thinking too hard, dreaming, etc. I woke up angry that I get caught up in these happy emotions when so much still has not been done since we had to move. We still need to have another finance meeting now that just this week we got regular pay again. I’ve been asking him for the last 2 weeks to show me the credit card bills to see what was charged there – still nothing. I’ve been asking him to sit down with me to make a new budget – he made one without me I have not seen yet! My fault is that I’ll yell at him about it, and say I want to see everything tomorrow – then have a good day with the kids or something, and not ask him again – so he gets away with it. I'm not consistent. I don't want to nag and ruin my good day that is being my band aid. With all this pondering, this morning I woke up thinking I don't want to date him until the list is crossed off! I want to know whom I am dating and rely on him! I don't want to be in denial, or procrastinate!

Then...I know I’m messing up here too. I obviously love homeschooling and being home with our kids so much and make that “my job” that I too get comfortable not taking on more roles in planning our estate, etc. We make enough for me to be home for home for now – but we still need to plan for the future since we lost so much of that in our loss! I want us to be partners on that - not just me doing it, but it looks like it will be me if he unable because it needs to get done. But, I don’t want him dating me either if it means I’m just as messed up and need to be told where I’m too idealistic, or trusting or create bad habits in us as a couple. I'm also angry, prideful, and emotional.

Again, I wish these issues had come up yesterday – but they bubbled over in me overnight. I am just so angry, yet in love, and really believe in our faith and in forgiveness, but then get so angry again because I feel like I'm the only one feeling all this. When I share all the above with him he says he agrees, yet...no action. I end up staying up at night trying to answer my own questions. Men and women are so different! I do have faith that time will show improvement in us BOTH though!

Another issue popped into my head today too. My family. Oh, how this affected my family. Nothing kills me more than seeing a good man (my husband) lose the respect my siblings and parents had in him. It will make rebuilding doubly hard, because I think they can see my Hubby is a QUIET guy, and you can't tell if a fire is "lit under" him or not - so they are in constant worry for me and the kids thinking what they think. For the most part, I am very good now about telling them "we are handling it, thank you! Keep praying!" - but now, this "dating angle" we are doing?  What do I tell our family members that see us dating again, etc, when they are angry at him and blame him (I’ve told them to blame me too. Two way street – but they see how he just lied and betrayed) and they think I’m being too naïve or forgiving.

I have been told numerous time that for the sake of us improving and taking care of our kids I need to be “lighting fires under him” to do what he needs to do in this aftermath. He has no respect in our family now, and they are hurt by all this too. What do I need to do to deal with them, and our family? It hurts they can tell he is a guy with little drive too (for years they have said this, I saw him more kindly). They obviously knew he would have a hard time doing what he needs to do after this, and I believed in him the whole time. Still, I know his is good, a I just want him to be respected!! I worry the pressure of my family in "succeeding" also affected his decision making. He is a good guy that made a big mistake - but one to our immediate family. Let us deal with it. I try to be in their shoes - if this were Lovely, or Valiant, or Gift who had this done to them, or did it to their family, I know I would be so hurt for them, and have questions and assumptions but how far do I go with that for them? How does one deal with it all?

Well, I decided to do something with all the above feelings. I left Dr. S both a voicemail and sent an email - saying on both to NOT rush (it is a weekend!) but that I just had to air these feelings I had, and see if that changes her process - or if she is aware of what this will dig up and would be discussing it next session. Both calling and e-mailing made me feel SO much better. I copied Hubby to the email, and we talked about things off and on all day around the kids and shopping, etc. I also prayed about it, and took a nap, which helped.  I'm running on very little sleep these days with the little kids having sleeping issues. I'm sure everything is affecting me.

And so...my joy came back. We got lots of errands done today, and then spent the evening hosting 3 additional children over for a slumber party so their parents could go to an office party. Our 2 families attend the same church, so we will just dress them for Mass and save their parents the time. And, surprising as it sounds - knowing they are kid free and on a date and I'm at home (with Hubby being such a great teammate) with an 8 year old, 4.5 year old, two 3 year olds, an 18 month old and 15 month old all night - I am feeling so joyful! Children bring the magic of the season with them in their excitement of baking cookies....

Ha! you can tell I worked hard with the kids on the dough...har har har!

...dressing up, eating in the candlelight of the Advent wreath, reading about the Jesse tree, and...

...watching TV specials like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer together on an air mattress for their slumber party together (babies not included, bedtime for them came before the show lol!)...

...with Baby Brother # 1...

...and Baby Brother #2 (bottom right corner)...

...and happy kids snuggled in between for the movie and slumber party!

As I read this week in my Advent meditation book reflecting on John in the desert (on Mk 1:3), "The Christian life is like a desert...sometimes beautiful....sometimes severe...a mixture of sweetness and pain...a place gentle, quiet and peaceful...and sometimes difficult. It can be a life of great, great testing." Hm...sounds like my marriage! My desert today tasted of both - but there was far more promise and joy in it than wasteland.

Bring on Gaudete Sunday!


Really.