It has taken me a while to get this done. A little here, a little there, "save", come back and write, add a picture, etc. But I love capturing the details. This isn't very eloquent, but I have no brain, and am so tired or busy lol!
To add a quick update, as of today (Wednesday, June 9th) I'm feeling much less blue-sy. In fact, I could say Monday on the phone I felt like I was free from the postpartum anxieties. This time they hung around longer than in the past, but since I last posted a real entry (over a week ago, not including our anniversary) I have gotten better. Starting this past weekend, I've felt happy again, and excited about things. I FEEL the moment now, vs being in the moment yet feeling down as things happened in the moment. It is so freeing. I'm not sure it is because of extra rest, as that has only been this week I've been able to be more quiet and get naps (Lovely is out of town currently with my sister, and Val is going to a preK summer camp for this week from 9-1pm, and then naps from all afternoon from her fun. It is SO nice to rest up with only the baby to tend to). So I think my happier spirit is due to hormones evening out. Even if the blues return, at least it means things are spacing farther apart, so I'm coming out of the fog...AMEN! I just wanted to record my feelings here for ME as a record. I hope I have not sounded whiny, or annoying. I just wanted to be honest here.
So, let's recap the events leading up to May 14th, 2:45am!
I was due on Tues, May 11th. I kept thinking (and many people assumed) I would go earlier - my belly was so huge. But, "Gift" wanted to hang on in there. So, 3 days went by. I went in for my weekly appt the morning of May 13th (Thurs) and I was given a routine NST. While they did that, I was having contractions I could not feel, and at my internal check, I was at a 3 to 3.5. The midwife assumed I would not be much longer - but to make an appt for the coming Monday instead of waiting a whole week, to recheck me and see what we should do.
Lovely was at school, and Val had already gone to my parents for my appt. I called and told my mom what my appt was like, and she said she wanted to keep Val longer and volunteered to do carpool for Lovely as she too felt something could happen. This way I could either rest or labor in peace. Thanks mom!
I came home, ate some breakfast, noticed I had some "show" (which got me excited!) and then went walking outside around 10am. I just kept walking. I started feeling "crampy" and some pressure - but it was barely anything so I kept walking. I even talked to S at her car in the street for about 20 mins giving her the story of my morning and I felt NOTHING while we talked. When I got home the pressure started again - very sporadic, but more than I felt in the past weeks. I called my hubby and told him I felt more crampy than I had ever felt.
A little backstory - I've NEVER gone into labor at home. I've either been given pitocin (with Lovely when my water broke at home, but no labor) or a cervix ripener (With Valiant, which I think just triggered my labor, I did labor till 7 cms before medication) while in the hospital. I've never had to do the guessing game at home, so I was anxious to see if I could do things at home. Around 12 noon, I decided I'd do my workout tape - it seemed the physical activity really made things stick around. I was so worried I'd do all this cramping and then fizzle out a few more days - and I was so done waiting. It was close to the weekend, which would help with Hubby being off for work - so it was perfect! As I did the workout DVD, I could tell there was more of a pattern/interval to the cramps. I'd do squats to help add pressure. I was hesitant, but when I updated Hubby again, I told him I really felt I could now call them contractions and I'd start timing them. I went to a website to help me time them (my math ability stinks lol) and I continued working out, and hitting the enter button as contractions stopped and started (and let the website do the math for me on how spaced apart they were).
Pretty quickly I noticed they seemed to be 5-7 mins apart. Hmmmmmmm.....
Around 2 pm they seemed to be more like 5 minutes apart. I still didn't rush Hubby home (I probably should have, but silly me was basing things on my PAIN level - which was nothing...I was barely in pain, and the fact I wasn't sure I was timing them correctly via the instructions on the website). I spoke to two other friends via phone from church and the neighborhood and Hubby arrived home (at 3pm) during the latter phone call when at that point the contractions seemed 4 mins apart. Uhhhhhh....lol
Hubby and and the friend both thought I should call the midwife and update her because 4 mins was close. I was still doubtful, because I was not in pain, but called. The nurse I spoke with also seemed doubtful, but checked with my midwife who told me to get to the hospital for a check. We decided we'd go, but not tell anyone in case we got sent home. In the car I felt a few more pangs, but they were 7 mins apart. I started to think sitting down in the car slowed things down. Darn!
When we got there, the nurses in my room and I were thinking I was BARELY laboring, because I was still not in pain. We bet I'd either have to go walking more, or head home. So, when the midwife found I was 5-6 cms, we were all so surprised because of my lack of pain. I was definitely on my way! The nurses even joked they did not trust me now because of my high pain tolerance and I could shoot to 10 cms so not to go anywhere lol!
We started making the calls we were checked in and baby was on the way! I was so happy at my lack of pain I thought I would try for an all natural birth (I've always wanted to try it, especially since I got to 7 cms last time before my epidural). But....an hour later I was in so much pain. I could not imagine going on. So, I got the epidural. It was WONDERFUL. I could nap, etc. I had epidurals with my previous babies, so it was not new to me. But...this time my body reacted to it. My blood pressure went way down, I felt so nauseated, and I had to get checked a lot, and some shots of ephedrin (?) in my IV. Around midnight or so, they had to turn it off to help my blood pressure. They did eventually turn it back on, but my body never took well to it. Eventually it quit working. My midwife and nurses were AWESOME in all this.
When the epidural was working, I was able to nap, and spend time with Hubby and J, who came to help us out with support, picture taking, etc (she's been there for all our births). We watched Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice before I fell asleep. When the "drama" of the blood pressure and epidural was happening a few hours later (now officially the 14th, Friday), she was great about giving me back rubs and letting Hubby rest up. The pain got worse and worse, and I finally realized I was getting the "natural" childbirth I had wanted.....oh it HURT. LOL!! Oh man....OW!!! The pain was really bad about 2:30am and the nurse asked me if I felt the pressure/urge to push. I was not feeling those urges, just incredible pain, but she decided she would check me because she informed me that sometimes when women are ready to push, intense pain is a symptom vs urges. Sure enough, when she checked me...his head was right there. It was time. She got Hubby up, and directed us into our positions and called the midwife.
I did one practice push, and for some reason - I'm a good pusher. I don't know how, lol. It makes me laugh how at each delivery, they will tell me to do ONE "practice" push, and when they see me do it, start calling for all the staff to arrive lol. This was no different. I will say pushing was a BLESSING. I was told by a friend that for many, in a natural birth, pushing can distract you from the pain. When I pushed, the pain just seemed to vanish the moment I got my feet up high. When the pushing was over and my feet were back down....I was in agony. I preferred to just stay in the pushing position between contractions.
So, we got to business. I remember asking for a mirror to see everything, and J telling me I was amazing (thanks girl!) at how focused I was pushing. Hubby was such a great support too, and very focused on helping me count, etc. Then it seemed like seconds (I think I pushed less than 10 mins) before Hubby and J were going..."WOW, WOW, look....look at his hair....look..." I felt some pain then, and remembered saying - "get him OUT!" and I felt that whoosh/pop of the moment Gift joined my world with his body leaving my body behind.
I sobbed at his arrival - tears of so much love, excitement, and relief. I was so proud and excited. What a blessing!!! WOW...I have no words. None. Just gratitude.
Gift arrived at 2:45am, Friday May 14th at 8lbs, 12 ozs - 21 inches long. A Blessing!! Welcome to our world little angel!
He got to stay on my belly for a while, then Hubby cut the cord. He got cleaned up, checked out, then brought back and nursed. Then he got checked out more and bathed and I rested, was taken care of, and fed as I recovered. I was shaky and queasy, but water and food helped greatly. I then got to hold him, Hubby too, and J while I recovered enough to get a room. It was around 5am when that happened, and 7am before we were getting settled in that room. J left around 4am. We all were so happy....there is nothing like welcoming new life!! We had so many friends and family want calls when he was born, but we were so wiped out J only updated online or we called people around 7am. Things were just so crazy it was hard to grab a phone. I still feel bad...lol. I've never had a night birth before...it is a totally different experience than a daytime one. Very quiet and intimate (I know, that sounds weird when thinking about laboring) but it just changed the tone of the birth.
We stayed in the hospital until Sunday at noon. It was nice to get home, see our girls, and be a whole family! One of the highlights of the hospital stay was the girls meeting their brother. What a moment! My mind can't get around it....so emotional. So, getting home and being together again was so nice.
I hope in the next few weeks or months to make birth stories for my girls too. I don't have them here (or saved to a computer), and I'd love to journal them in one place. These are details worth remembering.
What a birth! He's such a gift...his name meaning fits so well!
Much love!
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