I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!

3 reasons to read

I literally took these two pictures before posting. They were playing this "limbo AND the rolled map is a roof of our house" game as we veg around the house (I am sick - been sick most of break):

And as they played, I was weeping, reading this blog post I want the share, because I kept looking back at my kids playing at my feet as I read this entry, and could not imagine ONE of them missing from the picture.

While many of my obvious items are secure in my home, this gave me a new reason to glance around my home. I encourage you to grab some tissues, and go read. I also can confess when we only had one child, we never gave such security thought. Our one child never did anything crazy, was never a climber, etc. I had friends and family with more kids, busy, inquisitive kids. They needed to do more things, not us. I thought we were ok "as is".  I was totally naive, and realized that as we had more kids in our old house. Once reality hit us, we really started securing the obvious pieces as the babies were born - in their rooms, and the house. When we moved, we had lots of unlatching to do. In our condo, we've secured the big pieces, but this blog entry give me pause. I think we have some quick projects to do this weekend...even in a rental that we don't want to mess up the walls for. We'll just have to spare the expense later...and I bet it won't be that expensive. Not as costly as this family paid.

I have three reasons for you to read this entry. How many reasons do you have? 0? 1? 9? You need to read regardless.

Blessings.

All before 11 am.

Whew. What a morning I had.

First up, I went outside to have my morning cup of quiet time (ha!) and found a tree branch "shattered" my fortress of solitude:

How did I not hear this happen? Wait, I probably did but assumed it was this guy...

Picture taken before he got ANOTHER punishment. 

(Beware....total loser mom HONEST and real moment about to be shared with the world)

Yes, this is how I found him AFTER he spent most of the morning in time out locked in his room, and yes a major spanking, because he GOT OUTSIDE (we think my husband forgot to lock the dead bolt this morning- but it appears Gift has learned to play with the locks. I think he went for the stool because I locked the dead bolt after his escape that he could not reach...until now. He can't seem to turn it, but it's time for a 3rd lock - high UP regardless and a door knob lock). He was not out long because it got too quiet thankfully (Lovely and I were schooling down the hall) and I went looking for him, but it was a bit comical after the fear/panic/anger directed at him when I found him outside. I found him at the top of the stairs leading to the parking lot. He was talking to two adults in wheelchairs who were trying to keep him where he was by talking to him because they could not bring him back to my door themselves. Bless them. I have to laugh at the image of what my two neighbors would have done had Gift actually ignored them and made a break for the parking lot in their electric wheelchairs with orange flags chasing down my two year old. Goodness. Sigh.

* I'm not proud of the spanking (I was over spanked as a child - but I support how anyone chooses to parent. I applaud my friends who make it work. I was just talking to one of them about it recently. I'm not the best parent and maybe this is the reason why..har. har.) We do Magic 1-2-3 which has been working with the girls, but my tired self struggled with during my 3 months of single parenting. I admit becoming a reactive parent many times, not pro-active parent. I'm trying to get back on the wagon. But, REALLY - what happened was dangerous. I was frightened, and this is a lesson he needs to learn ASAP. This picture was taken AFTER he was spanked - so obviously we need to keep being consistent. 

Valiant headed back to her old preschool today and joined their 5 day Pre-K program. While I will still take her to our homeschool co-op meeting days for her preK class there, having her be able to have her own time away helps our whole family regain some of our groove lost the last few months. I need time to help regroup and teach Lovely and while homeschooling preK skills for her while teaching Lovely and including Gift was wonderful most of the time - this mommy needs a little break. Thankfully with Hubby's better salary, it is an option for us now! AMEN! Also....look at the picture carefully. It's a good thing Val knows letters A-F these past 2 months LOL!! Sigh.

I don't have pictures for the rest of the morning, but they included a full cup of OJ spilling on the carpet (this whole place is carpeted), me dropping pico de gallo all over the kitchen floor, finding my engagement ring and high school class ring near the kitchen garbage can on top of canned veggies, finding myself arguing with my 9 year old instead of parenting her, and facing a MOUNTAIN of laundry I've been too lazy to do (could have a pic...too ashamed).

Just keeping it real. I am laughing about some of this. Other parts shaking my head at. More parts scheduling confession for. HA!

Life is never boring, and life is STILL GOOD. I am never alone, and I am happy to share this at 2:09pm, because I just didn't have time before 11am.

Blessings!

P.S. Edited to add an image of Gift's time out. He fell asleep after crying and this was the wake he left...

"Clean up...clean up...everybody do your share..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

BEWARE!!!! Almost Wordless Wednesday lol.

You may never know where I'll show up....acting like a complete dork!

(um, yes, I was not supposed to be in this picture lol)

BaaaHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!! (evil laugh)

"I SO Rock!"

Ok - so I've had a "real" day today :)

We've had one of those appointment days - Baby checkup, Lovely school conference, mom's group coffee, the store, doc appt for ME, and the checkup/appts were all during nap time, so Valiant has barely slept today.

I picked Lovely up, had her GREAT conference (more on that another time) and then we RUSHED to my doc appt (my sinus infection is creeping back...ugh!) at 3:30. Of course, this is smack DAB during Val's nap time #2, so when I walked in and saw a crowded waiting room of older people (elderly) I looked at my "pent up from a day in the K classroom" elder daughter, and my "has not napped today" 17 month old and thought..."These older people are going to TAKE ME OUT."

We sat down, and Val started to get restless. I did NOT want her on the floor (germs!) and she did NOT want her stroller, so I put her in a chair like her big sister. To keep her there, I sent Lovely for waiting room magazines. Lovely came back with 2 of them, gave the smaller one to Val, and to my astonishment...for the next TWENTY minute wait, BOTH girls flipped through their magazines contented, interested, QUIET.

I sat in my chair with a mixture of "I can finally rest my body and catch my breath" and PRIDE as I met the impressed glances of 80 year old women giving me approving nods at my obviously amazing parenting skills my angelic young daughters were expertly exemplifying. My daughters were not being "those" kids one sees in waiting rooms, store lines, etc being whiny, hyper, and fidgety. My daughters are always this good because "I SO Rock!" with my consistent parenting. Also, I'm pregnant expecting yet another example of parenting perfection!! I was enjoying my moment in the affirmation spotlight.

They finally called my name, and I gathered our things to go to the examining room (no doubt to wait a bit longer). Lovely asked if she could take her magazine. I said "sure", and we went in. As we waited in the tiny room - I go to give the girls back their magazines when I see that Lovely's magazine was an old Cozmo Swimsuit edition and Val's magazine was Soap Opera Weekly. Their pages of airbrushed girls , with "barely there" swimsuits or clothes popping off every page, ad, and story, captured my girls' attention.

Yes.....I....uh..what was I saying again?.........."I so Rock??"

So yes, while I thought my attempts at being a consistent parent in teaching my girls good manners were paying off while looking good to the masses, my daughters were actually distracted by 'quality' literature with an added dose of body image stripping. AHEM.

Again..."I SO Rock!" NOT!!!!

Does it count I can laugh about it...somewhat....ok...a lot? :)

What a DAY.

I still Rock ;)

"Not Me!" and Day Book Monday Catch Up

"Are you feeling ashamed for letting your child go to bed without brushing his teeth...again? Did you Twitter on your cell phone during a meeting without anyone knowing? Feel bad for screaming at the cat or eating Pop Tarts and coffee for breakfast? Are you embarrassed that you are far from perfect? We'll don't be. Not Me! Monday was born out of my desire to admit some of my imperfections and reveal a few moments I'd rather forget. You may find it therapeutic to join in and do the same thing!"

When I read MckMama's blog (great photography, humor, inspiration, and mom of 4 kids under 4) and her list of "not me's" (I love sarcasm and working on being less worrisome and serious) I thought I'd try to jump in sometime with my own list. We'll see how it goes with my tongue in cheek.

I certainly did NOT eat half a bag of potato chips today at lunch right after someone said "Wow, you are SO disciplined now since you lost some weight." I did not. I know for a fact they were not tasty, and so of course I did not eat them, especially on top of a weekend of Italian food. "NOT ME!"

I certainly did not probably drink 6 glasses of wine as the conversation flowed at our Supper Club Italian night that went past 12 midnight. "NOT ME!" lol

I certainly never leave baby Valiant in the same baby clothes she does not dirty, wet, drool on or sweat in for 3 days at a time or more to keep life easy. "NOT ME!"

I certainly did not clean my house from top to bottom simply because we were having visitors this weekend. I totally clean my house like this all the time, because my family is worth it. Extra cleaning for people who have never been in my house is something I don't do, ever - "NOT ME!"

I did not talk too much at prayer group and Familia this morning. I never talk too much. "Not Me!"

I most certainly am NOT licking a Tootsie Roll Pop as I type this, especially after writing about NOT eating chips. "Not Me."

LOL!!!! Did anyone have fun reading that? "Not Me!"
Now, onto my daybook:


Outside my window…what started off as cloudy is now glorious! We will definitely be outside today! After I post this, I'm going for a run as Hubby is home working today!

I am thinking...what a busy week I have ahead. I'm already tired (in a good way) just thinking about it - but it will be a a GREAT week with amazing people.

I am thankful for...being able to laugh in spite of myself. My husband able to be with us more today, getting out tonight for a 31st B-day celebration, MNO tomorrow night with friends, and so much more! Oh wait...I'm thankful for Hubby being ok with be going out 2 nights in a row....Yippee!

From the kitchen…I'm eating out tonight - I need to see what I can leave for the family. Wow - 2 nights in a row of me being out...I need to plan something.

I am wearing... brown cropped pants and a blue button down collared shirt.

I am creating…a photo book of Valiant's first year (wah!!!! She's almost a year old in another month!!)

I am going…to take Lovely to her piano lesson soon.

I am reading…(lately) my craft magazines and Daily Word for this month.

I am hoping…that I stay rested this week and caught up on the house - it is so tidy right now!

I am hearing…Lovely practicing the piano with her Daddy (I love him being home today!)

Around the house…I have laundry to fold after a workout.

One of my favorite things…is a funny from today. Lovely "graduates" from preK on Friday and when she got into the car today she told me "Today we practiced the 'I Love You' song, and they told us it would make all the mommies cry - but NOT you mommy. You are not allowed to cry. You can be the only mommy not crying which will make the song good. I don't want you crying, just laughing at all the crying mommies and it will be a happy day."

A few plans for the rest of the week: Today, a night out for J's b-day, tomorrow night is out with mommy friends for a needed Mom's Night Out (MNO), a baby gathering on Wed, baptism of our adopted nephew on Saturday, and a family graduation on Sunday. WHEW!!!

Here is 'picture thought' I am sharing…

I'll share these three pics. While obviously on the phone, on the bed, with the baby (see background) Lovely was playing on our computer and learned how to turn on the webcam and the features/graphics of the webcam. She's 5 and has discovered how to do the webcam (um yes, let's make sure she never starts a webcast on the internet...yes, we'll prohibit that) but it seems to provide loads of fun and me time for the phone as I'm not even paying attention to her HAHA! The little kite in the picture is an animation on the webcam and apparently she was trying to catch it in her mouth - and took a ton of pictures trying it. I have about 80 of these pictures of her doing this, with me just talking away on the bed. Parent of the Year!!! HAHAH! I love the laundry on the bed to...I'm working so hard!!!







Much love! Many Laughs!