NaBloPoMo

Well - it is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). It is when many bloggers attempt to post every day (posts or pictures, or both) in celebration of the creation of blogs! As you can tell, I have not been around much since school started, and then our move and my husband's sickness. So, I am hoping to try and do something every day so I keep a family record, and get back in the habit. Plus, writing is great when you are processing things!

We are finally passed survival mode. We are settling into our new life, but wow - there is so much debt with it along with all the emotional fall out. With my Hubby getting sick and having emergency surgery, we had to go on disability which has been slow to pay. It just mounts up and gets us further behind.  All I will say here, with HIS permission - is while there are things that hindsight has proven 20/20, and things I sensed or felt, or things I should have done - my husband did a very good job protecting me and the family from the sadness and fear of foreclosure. Especially since I do much of the daily finances. While he was trying to protect us, and handle the burden alone for his young family, the fall out from all this is that my marriage has much healing to do. Losing everything material in this world can affect relationships more than I ever dreamed it would, and more than I ever thought it SHOULD. Couple that with the realization we were not functioning as a team, I was kept in the dark, and he used smoke and mirrors when I suspected "something" was up, and I feel completely knocked down, lonely, and betrayed.

What I thought was a small cooling in our marriage (10 years - normal, I thought, for the "newness" to wear off with young kids. pregnancies, and babies and totally common) the last few years that led to more effort to get on dates, be together, etc - more effort than I thought should have been there - is attributed to him being weighed down by his stress and secret battles to keep us housed. He was distracted, tired, worried, and pulled away, in his reasoning, to protect me from what was going on. I have MUCH compassion for him to have carried such a burden, but I'm struggling with the weight of the lies.

That said, again, with his permission, there is a silver lining. One, I know (and will seek to find out how exactly) I was part of this problem. My issues with anxiety I know stemmed from what I sensed going on in our home (that I attributed to general anxiety coupled with PPD) could have made me seem a weak partner - one he assumed he could not tell or I would fly off the handle, etc. I need to take responsibility for not following up more on my feelings. I wanted to be a homeschooling mom, and willing to do anything to make that happen - but I should have questioned our budget more, called more numbers to check on anything I wondered about, etc. I should have branched out in my roles and been more aware of things. You can now bet I'm making sure we are a team now to figure out this mess we are in - even more of the boss of this train than partner (is that good, or bad?). I need to make sure our kids are safe and our family has a place to land on our feet and call a home as we figure things out. I have to make sure we can pay off our debts, rent, and other items that racked up before, and after, the move.  Because I can admit I was part of the problem, I am committed to figuring out how to improve myself as a partner so he doesn't feel like he has to hide things from me.  Obviously, he has a host of things to work on too!

I mentioned above there is more of a silver lining. Well - that is our faith and commitment. We took vows in 2001 that we take seriously. We may have been flawed when making them, and are flawed living them out daily - but we won't walk away from them. We will battle this through. We will work together, start couples therapy, and own up to our situation. While I have great compassion for what my husband felt, I have lots to process and forgive. I don't forgive easily...it is a daily thing for me to let go, and not let resentment take hold. It's easy for me right now to play the blame game. I need to remember to remove the log in my eye before hassling about the speck in another's eye. That is VERY easy to type, and a whole other thing to live. Also, there is a fine line I have to find between holding one accountable for what has happened so it won't happen again, and moving forward. I will need help figuring that out, and will get help to figure that out.

We are blessed with so much in this situation - especially with family and friends. Everyone has been so giving to my husband, gracious, loving, accepting, and supportive. What a gift! And, where do I start in how people have supported me and the kids? Wow. That is more for another day.

I don't know how people survive life's low moments without faith. In all the BAD and SAD of the past few months, there is so much GOD. He provided friends to assist me THE MOMENT my world collapsed, to provide a condo to rent, to still love us, pack us, move us, feed us, give to us, clothe us, and listen to me....God is in every moment, and I see Him REDEEMING this situation. I still say "Why NOT us?" Instead of "Why me??!" in the tough moments. God is showing His love, and is with us every step of the way. God IS Good. I wish all people could see God in the bad - what comfort there is when you can feel and see that grace.

Well, this rambled. I'm sure I'll be rambling a lot this month and beyond. I am sure my feelings and perspective will change - one step forward, 3 steps back. But, to close - Much love, Happy November, and I'm grateful this month for so much - I'm glad it is the month of Thanksgiving.

P.S. - For a dose of CUTE - see the below entry!!

Much love!!!