Feeding Frenzy *Updated*

Do you know how when you are hungry, and don't get fed, any morsel put on your plate could tempt you to gorge, or start a feeding frenzy between you and what feeds you? You end up eating too much to satisfy you. You simply take too much?

The same scenario works with my emotions. The way I'm wired is if I'm emotionally starving, I have a hard time controlling myself when I get fed. I start to have an emotional feeding frenzy.

Today, when writing down some feelings over some situations past and present that keep nagging at my heart and emotions that I want to heal, I had a small glimpse into how I feel about this 'starvation' I sometimes feel. I decided I'd post it here and share it. It is flawed, biased, probably selfish - just as I am as I wrote it. But, it helped me view ME better, and helps me figure out a better plan when I emotionally feed others as they need and deserve, and then how I need to be fed in return (or deal with the hunger) so I can give again to others without pushing them away. Here are my thoughts:

If you are reading this, than you most likely are someone I LOVE. I love you deeply and would do anything for you. If we have a disagreement, I want to get to the bottom of it and make sure we're ok and we can heal - no matter how big or small. I'm sure my past wounds growing up are at the root of this. Sometimes I worry that the caring side of me when wanting to work something out that I'm stressed over looks more like - to the other person- that I care more about how "I'm perceived". It runs deeper than that - but I can see how selfish it APPEARS. Others probably are so over having to deal with me wanting to talk things out, etc and probably assume all I care about is how "I look' or am perceived.

I will share something that is part of my struggle people in general (which obviously means it is ME, not them - so I need to keep working on myself). I do tire VERY easily of having to be the person who in a discussion has to "drop" things, move on, and accept how others feel. I wish I could just be accepted, needs and all - or even placated some - and could talk out what I feel, instead of feeling like a burden to others asking them to listen to me. I feel like most of my life that - because I'm the introspective one, the deep one, the "feeling" one, which can annoy people - I'm the one who has to accept others as they are and move on from the stressful situation and just get past it. Move on without an apology to me often for their side of the confrontation, move on without getting what I truly am looking for (talking it out - nourishing my soul and spirit that we and my loved one are ok), and "just getting over it" or turning the other cheek.

Well, we ARE called to turn the other check, but that tastes so sour sometimes. Maybe that is the cross I have to bear. God made me as I am. I try to change to make it easier for others and less wounding for me, but I can only change the GIFT God made me to be, in HIS image so much. So I guess I'm left with the sensitivity. I probably also teach others how to treat me, and people are used to me being forgiving, loving, taking the blame on myself, and then they don't want to entertain my needs as deeply - because they are annoying to them. I guess what is hurtful is people ENJOY the benefits of my emotional and spiritual "make up" i.e. being loving and sensitive and a radar of their emotions and struggles because they love I'll listen to them, help them, be there for them, give them my heart, take whatever emotional help or prayers I offer them......but it comes at a high price for me.

The other side of feeling so much and being intune to their feelings and loving those around me so much makes me complicated, and when I need to talk things out, make sure others are ok, share my worries or concerns - it annoys others because it takes energy out of them. I sometimes sense people don't want to deal with me because of what I may need later. They'll feed their spirits from what I naturally want to share to them.....but when I need to be replenished.....and get to a point I'm really hungry to be replenished, they can't take it. Maybe I become too much of a feeding frenzy for them. I'm left feeling empty and then annoy people by trying to get "fed" back with the affirmation and healing I need. My hunger drives them away, but leaves me starving and I worry more, worse, and get emotional. I'm also left feeling I'm the one who has to back off so we can "move on". I sometimes feel like I'm the one who has to give in - "You can't talk right now? You don't have time to listen to me....ok fine....we'll talk later.....or never. I'm here if you need me."

I'm not saying that is healthy of me.....and God needs to be that food for my soul....not the people around me - and I'm even selfish for sharing these feelings probably now. I should give in a relationship emotionally without expecting anything back....that is unconditional love.

I probably do the same to God everyday, and like the Prodigal Son, he takes me back every time. Why can't I do the same for those I love...I do love as unconditionally as a human can....or I strive to.

I'm who I am; hard to change. I guess the way I'm wired teaches others how to treat me....I'll always be there no matter what, so even when I speak up...eventually I'll turn the other cheek. I guess the selfish side of me wants someone to accept me back - my faults and all. I know it IS better to accept, turn the other cheek, and love others for them, flawed and all.....it is the higher path and calling God calls me to do and BE. And the higher price. It can taste so sour at times, even in the feeding frenzy and gorging when I feel depleted. I need to work on carrying this cross better and remember to be giving (and forgiving) towards others as they deal with my complicated self.

Questions that remain? When should I be honest about needing to be replenished? Lighten my load, talk it out, get emotionally and spiritually fed, demand an apology or decency and respect? Or should I always just turn the other cheek, and lean on God to feed me as only He can, to stop or better control my emotional gorging and frenzy that appear at times?

**UPDATED** A dear friend Simone who reads and has known me a while called me after reading this. She gave me food for thought about what I wrote and my questions at the end (and again, I wrote the above as a release....to not keep my feelings pent up inside - I'm actually in good spirits today). Her words gave more food for thought I thought I'd share:

1) "About the turn the other cheek - if your cheeks are raw from turning so much to someone - you need to think hard about how that person treats you. It would be worthy of being honest with them about it."

2) If you've heard about the 5 Love Languages - then you have heard that there are 5 ways each of us feel loved. We tend to love others as we NEED love. My friend reminded me of this, and basically reminded me that I do deserve to be loved back as I need....even if that is a stretch for another. A little respect goes a long way, even if I'm wearing that person down with my needs. Sure, I don't want to just give in, annoy others, etc - but God gave me a language, and just as my marriage is about pushing ourselves to love as our spouse needs, that unconditional love can be extended to others, and we deserve to be loved in return with our language. I can't live my life constantly looking for affirmation (one of my love languages) but people who care for me can try to communicate that to me if they know me so well and claim to love me. I just need to not go overboard with it and remember people are human, and God is perfect, so watch out for man made pedestals.

a 3rd thought came at yoga tonight - we are called to be compassionate - and we need to extend that to ourselves.

Any more thoughts out there?