In the moment

It's rare I can blog in the moment anymore. Gone are the kid-isms where I quickly blog a funny they say. I do it through social networking, but need to remember to put them in a more permanent place, like here.

Today, this moment, is rare. I'm so glad I can. The girls went home with my dad and Gift is asleep (we literally just walked in, and I put him in bed. He was already OUT). But, I NEED to write about my last hour or so.

We had a great homeschool co-op today. In the class I'm now "leading" we celebrated Candlemas (which falls tomorrow) with a liturgical tea which centers around the presentation of baby Jesus in the temple. We also discussed St. Brigid and Blaise since they have their feasts today and this weekend too. It went great! Lovely's class did their Lego STEM class which is totally awesome! After classes were over, the kids all headed outside to play and explore together. The moms got to socialize!

My 89 year old father (so spry in his age!!) had asked if he could come meet the kids at the playground, then take the girls back home for a sleepover. My mom was gone most of today, so this would be fun for him and not be alone (he's a fantastic day driver....perfect record!). He arrived, and we chatted and the kids showed him tricks and such. I was thinking it was actually going well....

(To clarify what I mean about "actually going well." I mean the conversation was around topics that do not dampen the spirit in any way and hijack the conversation without any chance at a do-over. This has happened since I went to college. It happened when I was in high school too, but I assumed that was just normal parenting. For the first 5 years post high school graduation, these stressful conversations centered around my violin playing and musical performance since they had spent so much time and money on me, my mother especially needed to see the passion and the payoff, the post college years were all about my teaching career, my husband's ill health, the fact he'd probably die (in my mom's eyes, which stressed my dad!) and our parenting style and my decision to keep working when they didn't want me to, which caused stress with my husband and them. The next 4 years after that focused on their concern that I now WAS staying home and we were having too many children, etc. Currently, the new focus is our financial failure and the current recovery from such. You'll need to know this later in the post, or this blog. But these topics and when/if they will pop into a conversation and hound me, haunts our time together/)

So yes, right as I thought I could relax and enjoy this time (because I don't really get a chance to ever relax and enjoy my family as a whole sice I'm waiting to go on the defensive)....my sweet father starts asking all sorts of financial questions: "Are you doing this, have you paid ____ back, etc." Now, my father is NEVER the one to hurt me. Other family members do with cutting remarks...and I know he asks to give guidance  feel connected to me or fix mistakes...but I receive it as I failed him again in his expectations and dreams for me. It kills my spirit.

What has caused me to pull away from him when I should not, is how when we hang out, we just can't hang out. He's a product of the Great Depression, and as I've aged - anytime we hang out, he has to talk about politics, economy, stress, my husband, our decisions to have a bigger family, or try to find out about the adult decisions I'm making in my life. He does this with great love, kindness, but makes me feel like a failure every time we talk, because I feel like a screw up daughter who doesn't live life in a pleasing manner to her daddy especially when many times I know he won't like my answers.

(To be clear, I have had to tell "I have this" and change the topic EACH time, and once in a family "discussion"....but the habit returns. Or, the knowledge he can't trust my answers or my family - because when you get dismissed so often, or told "Please don't worry, I'm handling this..." and then the bottom falls out...who can blame him, or my mother, etc. But yes, I have said, and repeat - especially to my mom - "this is not something we wish to discuss with you.". But...it still happens. Everytime. They are older...they are programmed. I have to learn to accept this, not feel like a constant failure. And yes, I told him today we were handling it and have our own schedule for things. He and my mother feel so "dismissed" when I do that. I feel so dishonorable doing so.) 

I'm simply the daughter who wonders how many more years she has with her daddy as he approaches his 90s and wants to savor the time with him, not feel ill, avoid, or procrastinate. I want to hang out with him and talk about my children, future children, homeschooling, what I did that week, my future plans and goals and just be in the moment with those conversation  - not have them analyzed or critiqued or morph into their agenda to ease their worries as my parents.  I miss making them excited with my plans and dreams. I just want to have a single day/time with my parents (dad especially) that does not have me crying alone when we part ways. And yes....as I drove away today, I cried. I mourn he (and my mother) spend as much time being anxious as I do in this recovery process. I mourn for myself that they never could really let me live my own life. I mourn my weakness in giving them power. I mourn a lot of things, but I mourn the time with my dad that is slipping away because I am letting it. I protect myself not going out of my way to see him more, see them more. I wistfully wish for my childhood again...the only time I felt I made them happy and stress free. But...that should not be my burden, and I'm working on it. But...I SO want to please them. I can't tell you the longing there I can't "turn off." We are only promised today, and I so want to make today count, make those around me feel a little taste of God's love and peace and light....and I crave that with my parents too, especially as the years catch up to my parents for this lifetime.

Anyways...that was my afternoon. I made it even better (SARCASM) by helping load the girls in my dad's car, putting my things down in his car as I helped Valiant with a broken jacket zipper, then realizing after our goodbyes my car and house keys were on the floorboard of my DAD'S CAR still. I tried to flag him down in the parking lot because it was an instant discovery on my part, but he was focused on driving. I tried his cell phone 6 times, txted him twice (for the sound the txts make) and then made peace with the idea he would not know until he got home and got my voice mail on their land line.  Blessedly, he found them on the floor after parking his car BEFORE unloading the girls and called me saying:

Dad: "Hey! You won't believe this, but I have your keys!"

Me: Really? Noooooo! LOL!

Dad: "We're on our way back. Why didn't you call my cell phone?"

**crickets**

HA!

He was back in 20 mins...but OH...I felt so guilty making this 89 year old drive....sigh. Strike 58,604 LOL.