I'm here! Just sanding away...

Hey There! Long time no post.

We're hanging in there. I have not had any desire to post. Posting has felt like too much work after trying to get through the day. And really, we've been having good days. Schooling has gotten better (we were burning out...ready for summer), I'm really trying to help around the house more - feign energy until I have it, and pray more and take care of myself spiritually.

My dear S was in town most of April, and would spend the weekdays with us, bookending each week at her mother and sister's homes. I can't tell you how good it was to see her again, and for my kids to have her kids in our lives again. We're all so connected, like family, from sharing property and a fence, and hearts. So, our mid weeks were filled with them in our home, seeing all our collective friends, and getting out in the evening for adult only time. My favorite times were spent in PJs and sitting on the couch all day while the kids played in their PJs with no agenda. Sadly, were often watching coverage of Boston and West, TX (I have family in law in West, who lost EVERYTHING but survived - more on that when I can really write on that) many of those days, but the time just being US, just 'BE'-ing, relaxing....are treasured moments. You can't be that way with just everyone (not all my family LOL). So, it was a gift.

So, while she was here, and I had them to focus on - I had great spirits. I was very tired though, but good spirits. I missed my daily workouts which were helping my energy and mood so much. I still need to get back in the groove for May. Endorphins are my friend!

But now...I am feeling emotional again. It's my own fault - I get busy, or feel "up" and I don't make the calls I need to make for emotional health. So, when the crashing comes...I'm so regretful. Sigh. I'm also post O on the chart...and I totally know what that does to me, lol.

One of the nights the ladies got together with S here, everyone said to me "You are so amazing, so strong...you deal with everything so well, always smiling and hopeful and faithful." While that feels good (words of affirmation are my love language), I feel like such a fraud. Yes...I am a good vessel for grace. Yes, I REALLY know my God has me. Yes, I know God never creates hardships - but we are tested in the hardships to lean into Him and He is with us every part of the flawed circumstances we are in. Yes, I'm a "Why NOT me" person, not a "Why me" one. Yes I smile, laugh, and joke 24/7 because that is how God made me - I nurture others, I want to serve others...I'm fully ** cognisant of the fact I'm in a season, and this season will end in my marriage to new fruitfulness, solid finances, etc. But where I feel a fraud is inside I'm insecure, very little confidence, social anxiety, etc. I really need to MAKE myself get some help. But...if I'm distracted, I'm happy. I'm a fully 'functional depressive' (like MY term ...hahaha!). My addiction is angst. I feel like I know nothing about the world and how simple things work. Things we all should know.

I also need to get over the fact that all I want to do is delight in my Creator and delight in His creation that surrounds me. That was how I lived  (evidenced by most of this blog - sucking the marrow of grace and holding tight to joy - even when I am not happy) and fulling living in kairos time, not chronos time, or Carpe Diem. I used this blog space to channel all the positives in life, because I didn't see many negatives - and I worried about I was not appreciating the tangible echaristeo blessings in my life (thus giving birth to this blog) and writing it down made me feel I accomplished the purpose God had me on this earth. But..I need to accept that I have to do other things while living for my Creator - I can't let my husband do a split duty with me on things. I have to be on point - be aware. But, so much of my peace and joy came from my vocation as a wife, as a homeschooling mom and caretaker of our home and domestic church while my husband worked outside the home and did the book keeping. And I'm finding my new role so depressing. We're not always on the same page with planning for the future, moving, etc. That insecurity is just seeping outward, making me have social anxiety with friends, making me too clingy in some friendships - driving them away. Making me doubt the friends that have stayed. It's irrational, and I can rationally see that. It's SO WEIRD. Why can't I just make these issues go away since I can see them, and I'm aware I do them (which makes a conversation so hard...cause I'm analyzing myself the whole time).

Cause I know...your real friends love you for YOU. If they don't...move on. So..why can't I practice what I preach? Why do I feel the fraud? It is such a vulnerable feeling, and while I admire my friends for being vulnerable, I don't want to be the one being real. I just want to be the one who accepts YOU without condition, and helps you through your problems. I want to be Martha...not Mary.

And you know what...when I can be Martha - I am ok. I do for my family, keep the books, be there for my friends, be social...reach out. I obviously don't suffer in a way that is crippling. I function. I have so much to be thankful for in that. I'm fully present for my kids most of the time (I will go off and nap and take breaks at times, but when I'm on...I'm on. Unless I'm blogging...like right now then one is napping and the other two are playing games on the Kindle unsupervised while the TV is on and NO ONE is watching it, so there are now 3 screens on in this room: the TV, the Kindle, and this computer and I've lost track of how long I've been writing this post...and I could care less at the moment. So take that anxiety!! ). So, I'm not as bad off as some. I just feel like my well is empty. Or, like I've blogged before - PTSD from the year of strength post financial collapse. I was strong until now. So...anyways. Blah, Blah, Broken record. 

The good is that I hope to post some great pics of the GOOD, the BLESSED, and our incredible life God has given us all this time, and in April. I should do a post of just April pictures as my catch up. We are busy living lives where we see God in the grain of the wood. I just need to remember to sand and clear the rough edges of my life WITH the grain...not against it. First rule of a DIY building project. Blessedly, I don't have to DIY alone...God has me, as do the friends and family He has given me as His hands and feet. That makes me smile from the inside out.

Oh - and today! Today has been awesome! I was able to drop Valiant off at preK, Gift at one of his friends, and take Lovely on a learning day alone! We had breakfast together, and then went to a new ecology and geology exhibit (new to us...why have we never gone before??!) where after we saw the exhibit, we could go see everything outside ourselves. It was incredible! The time together fed my spirit. As S says, I'm not made to be indoors, I'm a flower in need of light and the outside! It makes such a difference. Then, in a few hours, Lovely and I head to a mother/daughter weekend away at a friend's home (C!!!) to see her daughter's school production of Disney's "The Little Mermaid". We get to go to dinner theater and be all girly tomorrow evening. I can't wait to have this needed time with her, and our dear, dear family friends. God is SO good.

Much love....thanks for reading. Let me know how I can pray for you. I can't tell you how good it is to pray for your intentions after posts like these that are all about me. Enough of that! Your turn!

Grab the grace and happy weekend to you!

** Can I just say how annoyed I was that spell check was NOT helping me with the word cognisant. In fact, it is still saying it is spelled wrong, so WTH! Just deal with the spelling. HA! I'm posting and moving on and up!