Atone

Back when I wrote my Word for 2013, I made a goal to post about one aspect of the word "Redeem" from its definition each month. There were 12 words by divine coincidence. January's word has been Atone. This is an appropriate words, two weeks before the start of Lent.

If you know me well enough, I'm a really joyful person who feels pressure (from my faith? myself? The world?) to redeem my daily errors - to redeem my faults and take responsibility for them. To atone.

I learned this lesson from my dad, who ALWAYS made it a point to atone for his actions, good or flawed when it came to parenting on a given day. He'd come talk to me about what he did right to make sure I understood if I thought it was unfair, and he would apologize if he lost his temper with me, or did not meet his  personal standard...whatever that was. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I never got such explanations from my mom, and I guess that is why I do what I do now. I strive to redeem myself. I strive to apologize. I don't ever think anyone is perfect, no a situation one sided. There are ALWAYS two sides, two perspectives (or more). Atonement seems to be something I breath like a mantra.

Where I struggle is being simple about atonement.  For whatever reason, I feel I must talk out my atonements, or email at length about them, and I used to feel this was normal (or dare I say, noble) until I started to get comments "We really are ok. Don't send one of your 'ViolinMama emails'."  That gave me pause. I'm famous for atoning? I'm still not sure how I feel about that, but it makes me wonder what to do about it. Atonement can be attached to insecurity. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness, not just lip service that things are "ok"?

So, how do we strike a balance and keep atonement pure? I guess for once thing, I need to keep in mind that Jesus did not ask my to apologize 77x7 times, just FORGIVE 77x7 - hahah. Secondly, I need to keep in mind that my apology is enough, even if they don't acknowledge my apology in the way that makes it clear for my heart . I'll have to trust I don't need their reassurances. Forgiving me is on them, though I know personally what a gift that is to be given, and we are called to do it. I can only atone for what I did...it's all I can do to redeem.

My marriage is still atoning for the mistakes of the past. I don't feel it is redeemed yet. I have to daily forgive my husband for what happened to us, and the struggles we still currently have to improve. I struggle with his ways of atoning for his part - is he really getting it? Am I really forgiving him, or resenting him? When the sun rises in the morning, I feel redeemed, with forgiveness granted.....but when the sun sets, I feel I am wanting his atonement before bedtime. Redemption becomes a daily cycle, 'on repeat' until we get it right. I'm praying this year of living our word - Redeem - becomes a healing balm that did not come in 2012.

So, these are my January thoughts for 'atone'. May this bring me one step closer in this 12 step year to 'redeem'.