Thursday, December 27, 2012
In spite of it all...
As I was driving home from our Christmas last night, wounded and hurt...it hit me. I felt I should document it here.
Despite how conflicted I get about my interesting family. Despite the hurt I feel. Despite the sobbing I've cried....it hit me...
I have no desire to see those family members anywhere but with God.
It is obvious that this earth robbed them of peace. It is obvious that they are more uphill people than down.
But it hit me. I pray that their earthly actions don't hold them back from total healing, peace, love....real unconditional love. It's the missing piece. Something only their Savior can give.
I don't want them judged (I do that plenty, automatically, in my mind too much). I don't want hell, purgatory....I just want them whole. That's not up to me. I won't know where they will go, though they are believers. I just wish they could, when God calls them home (and I pray that is centuries away), be fully home. I'll be praying for that. It's all I can cling too.
It won't stop me from trying again and again to please, love, and want to celebrate life with my loved ones. It won't protect me from any further disappointment. It doesn't stop my fears that I'm a walking disappointment. But it helps....it helps to know that maybe one day....we can exist somewhere where we all are healed and in total harmony.
I do love. Very much.
"Be united, but not closed off. Be humble, but not fearful. Be simple, but not naive. Be thoughtful, but not complicated. Enter into dialogue with everyone, but remain yourselves." - Pope Benedict XVI
While the first part of that quote relates very much to my Christmas situation, the part in italics fits my life well. I have miles to go on improvement there. As for the underlined part? I am trying to figure out who myself is and remain there. I feel I know...but it is so anti-society and normal goals of life that it puts a divide on my family and I waver. It is hard to stomach that knowledge when I think on it too much.
Thanks for the prayers!
Merry Christmas!
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Holidays are chock full of family drama, aren't they? My Hubby and I just had this convo after Christmas (which went fairly well with limited stress for a change at another relatives home...). We discussed how we can't change people and it's easier to just accept them (warts and all) and treat them cordially when together and just make "lemonade". We are grown up now and don't have to spend time unless we make the effort and looking through "new eyes" of acceptance rather than frustrated with how people act....really took the burden off of our hearts, reduced expectations and dare I say it???? we actually somewhat enjoyed ourselves. Christmas miracle. Glad you were able to enjoy time with your Sister and you should absolutely be on the look out for a Festivus pole.... ;-)
ReplyDeleteYou are not a "walking disappoinment" by any means. You are human. You are flawed. We all are. Christ was the ONLY perfect human, and none of us can or ever will live up to that. You are beautiful, smart, loving, kind, and a pretty darn good mom/wife/daughter/sister/friend. :)
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