Took the first big step.

I did the research and found an office/doctor I'd like to try. Tomorrow, I call.

Even though I could still feel better in 2 weeks (start of new cycle), it's time to make the call. To avoid calling because it triggers anxiety isn't helping...When napping anytime I can isn't helping...When I know I don't need more sleep... When the prayer times and confession times (because at first they helped!) and their effects dwindle and adding more overwhelms me...I need more help. I am so thankful for the vitamins I'm now taking (thanks Blair!!), but...I am still weary.

* I started realizing this as I spiraled AGAIN into insecurity, no confidence, self-doubt, anxiety and social anxiety.

* When a night out with friends where all shared the Christian faith, but the conversation flowed into how  none did Santa with their children to avoid lying to them and putting the focus on Jesus drove me, IRRATIONALLY, to extreme guilt that I lie to my kids and am damaging them. Not just about Santa - but the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy....no matter how much I know we focus on Jesus, St. Nick, and the Resurrection even more. Where these amazing women judging me? NO! NOT AT ALL. I am just not rational.

* Realizing I have not taken a joke in a few years. It's rare when I do. I can joke, I deliver wit or sarcasm, but I can't take them.

* That I am way too sensitive to comments about actions I choose to do....my own business, that others innocently comment on. It is ME, not them. They are trying to converse, challenge, joke! I should be able to banter with them. Oh, Banter! How much I miss thee!

* I am just too raw to be around people I don't want to lose.

* That I see signs of budding anxiety in one of my children. They are taking cues from me.

* Being too clingy, apologetic, and annoying as I scramble to hide my insecurities from others.

* Grieving relationships affected by me, being...me...on a bad day. Some may never recover to the level where the 'almighty me' wills them. I need to settle on being glad I have something left to enjoy....or let go of the ones lost.

* Feeling so overwhelmed by life that I am NOT living life fully, or making the corrections I need to make in my marriage, financial future, dreams, etc. because I am too overwhelmed to start, too paralyzed. Too anxious.

* Anxiety totally plays a part in worsening my learning disability (I'm not offering another excuse! I've just noticed it get really bad the last 2 years. I'm even mixing up friends's children's names if I don't see them every day. It was also terrible when teaching my co-op classes. I never really could remember which child was which. I also have to continually use my GPS to get to certain people's  - yes, friends too - homes outside a certain distance. I just can't remember the roads or route. It's embarrassing to have to explain when said friends or other notice). So, lesson learned - anxiety makes Dyscalculia worse. Which then makes my anxiety worse. "YAY!"

* Realizing that being a better Christian won't cure me, taking up my cross alone without a Simon isn't working, or that "offering it up" isn't making me a stronger disciple. At the end of it all...the more I try to be less...the more room the devil has to break me down through this chemical based, irrational weakness.

* On that subject of Simon  - I need to remember to be more conscience of the fact that they are simply "Simons" (Matthew 27:32)...not Saviors. There is only one Savior, and He already saved me. Also...the original Simon was "pressed" into service. That pressure doesn't always end well. I don't need to pressure any more Messiahs into existence, thankyouverymuch!

God has heard me cry out. He knows I've surrendered...multiple times. He has NEVER forsaken me. I simply can't hear Him because of my misfiring synapses, roller coaster hormones, environmental triggers, and/or lack of current coping skills. I see Him, I can even feel Him..but hearing Him...knowing I can "Be not Afraid" rationally, but doubting irrationally is getting old. I am also "seeing the wind" (Click Here). Life where we have a roof over our heads, good health, good family and friends, faith, and obvious vocations/purpose should not be this hard to live joyfully.

I was not created to feel this way every day. God made me to love others as He loves me. To know Him, to love Him, and to serve Him in this world, and to be happy with Him for ever in the next. This world is meant to be a gift. I need to FEEL that. "Normalcy" should not feel so heavy on my chest and shoulders.

Tomorrow is the second step. I will call and make the appointment.

Thanks for the prayers. How may I pray for you?