Been up a while

Argh. Just venting. I've been awake a for a couple of hours, and gave up tossing and turning. I'm still recovering, but maybe this insomnia means I'm getting better to not need rest? HAHA.

I finally got up because darkness/insomnia/tossing and turning turn my cozy bed sanctuary into a breeding ground of anxiety. Oh, the thoughts in my head about homeschooling concerns and planning, family strife, marriage progress, being a check-in mother, finances, future plans...you name it, I thunk it.

It seems my UNPLANNED Christmas day afternoon nap was because I was getting sick. I have been sick since the day after Christmas until/including the day that is breaking as we approach 7am. I got one day at home to rest after my stressful Christmas, then we turned back around and headed back, as extended family was arriving for a 3 day visit.

I was nervous. This side of the family holds some tension. I was so out of gas from the 25th, that I was so nervous. But, Day 1 and most of Day 2 were FANTASTIC. It was so nice to be together. But, oh...was I getting sick - hoarse, throat cold (not sore, more like laryngitis). I was so. tired. I made sure I did not nap. I set my alarm when I would lay down with my younger kids for their nap time so I would rouse when we fell asleep together.

Then, came the evening of Day 2. The men of the house were gone, my parents gone, so the ladies left behind poured some wine for some girl talk. At first the conversation centered around the one family member that stressed us all out and how to deal better with it. It seemed to open the door to some bonding (such needed bonding if we COULD get it). When it was my turn to share, I shared things I had loved, and struggled with growing up. We all had shared stories of our not so great youth moments - and I linked mine (since my sister had joked about my crazy ADHD self as a kid - ooooh, I had some issues!) to how I couldn't fully fault my bullies in school too much if I really had such control issues. I probably made myself an easy target. This lead to questions, and I was excited to share. Up until this time, I always felt my FRIENDS knew me better than my family. That felt wrong to me...I've always dreamed/hoped my family would be closer, would be bonded, like so many families seemed in my circles, or in books, movies, or TV. So, I shared (we all did) but my stories were so surprising to my family that I felt stupid for sharing them. I felt embarrassed finally opening up. My sister was fine...but...anyways...I just regret sharing now.

Maybe that is why I overshare. Looking to be heard? I don't know, I feel I talk too much about myself in the past 2 years. I try not to, but I'll relate something someone said to me, trying to make a connection. But I fear it isn't a good "listening" technique and leaves others feeling I stole the train. Maybe I don't - but I've been told by one I do. I know blogging helps me find a release for my thoughts, blessedly. But I sure felt I did that with my family - even though everyone shared. I just felt so raw and exposed and embarrassed for trying to shorten the age gap and share with them. Their stories were so different because of their ages.

So, the conversation turned to homeschooling. This family member is one I've suspected hasn't loved our family's choice in homeschooling, and even though they assured me that was not so, the conversation turned to more of me defending why we do it. I should have ended it, after my sister chimed in to defend me saying that she knows we check with the national/state standards, etc and homeschooling is such a stronger option than it was 15 years ago. She was AWESOME (and I don't think she fully loves what we do, but she embraces and supports our passion for it)! My sister eventually dosed off in her chair. I should have walked away, but in the moment, I wanted to try to share the experiences that changed my mind on homeschooling (I used to be against it!). Dare I say, I wanted to bond with my family. Wrong move. I was hoarse, tired, and losing the battle to 'their reason'. After I described our schedule, my family member said, "So, basically, you are not really homeschooling, but creating a private school atmosphere with these art classes, Good Shepherd class, and co-oops and LEGO class." Sigh.

I told her she could see it that way, as homeschooling parents tailor education to their kids, which goes beyond what a public school can do....but more than a private school, especially the early years. I went on to tell her how the scene was changing, and if a child chose not to do traditional high school, that there was dual enrollments in local colleges, great ways to learn, save $, etc. But that was reasoned off by them, in a very negative tone. They questioned not letting certified teachers for ANY grade teach children, how did parents know enough, "SOCIALIZATION" and "what about the high school experience?". I told her that she had good points/questions, and every family decides what works best for them, that it was just nice to see the options unfold. It was a down hill discussion. For all their pledges they supported what we were doing....the tone and facts and reasoning they used was very anti-homeschooling. I was glad when I finally realized and could switch topics...with my sister waking up in her chair and that helping me bring up how late it was and we all should get to bed. I wish I had done it sooner, I REALLY was hoping for a light to go off, and some bonding to occur. Instead, I went to bed anxious, worried about our choices, etc. Darn it! And that's on me...how I let words affect me.

Anyways...those events popped up in my mind. Is Lovely really learning and thriving this year? I made big goals to improve 2nd semester...do more writing, reading....enrichment. But I'm battling feeling defeated.Then I thought about our new 2013 budget, marriage stress, how alone I feel lately, etc. Toss and turn, toss and turn. At least I'm not coughing as I have been. I can see big improvement in my healing.

When I started feeling too gloomy, I got up. I read some funny things online, and then thought some prayer time would help. There is nothing better than 3 Minute Retreat.

Ironically...this was today's featured meditation (You can click through the many they have - but one is featured). I'd say God never speaks to us by chance.

So, that meditation speaks for itself. I will rue over Psalm 85:9 and the questions the meditation asks me to consider...where in my life am I most in need of peace? How can I make room in my heart for God's word in my heart? How can I share it with others? 

Pray for me. Please leave any prayer intentions you have. You have no idea how it helps me to focus on something for others. It keeps the Body of Christ more alive in my heart. Much love.

It's a new day dawning.