I am SO thankful for Retrouvaille. It really helped to recover our marriage (Like they say, we'll always be in recovery with our marriage) since everything came out to me in September. We have such great tools to rebuild, rediscover, and strengthen our marriage.
But, I'm still missing something. I'm missing pride. I see my friends walking around with such pride of their husbands. I sit at church and judge that so many of the women in my parish have secure and wonderful husbands. I say "judge" because that is a perceived judgement - not a fact! But, it is is interesting how many temptations arise (temptation to leave, separate, or even divorce so you can find someone to be "romantic" with again) when you don't feel proud of your spouse. I realize pretty fast that I have MY work cut out for me so I don't spend my time coveting other people's marriages. This lack of pride in my husband can get dangerous pretty fast if I don't work (and do the work) at rebuilding us, trusting him, and let him know I am proud of him. Men, especially men who are the main providers, need to know we are proud of them. It matches the woman's typical need for security. So, I know my lack of pride in my husband translates to him. I try to be honest and dialogue with him on my feelings. Visa versa. But still, I long for feeling proud of my husband again.
I know pride can quickly become a bad thing or sinful. But, I must admit, I miss being proud of my husband. I miss being proud of our marriage. But - I am proud of the hard work we are doing. I know marital pride will come again. We can do this, and much of the work falls on me - not just my teammate for life.
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Please be proud of your marriage, and the commitment you are both showing to heal the rife. In a society that has decided that marriage is disposable you are modeling to your children and friends what faithfullness to vows means.
ReplyDeleteYour pride should come from the fact that you and your husband are sticking it out. You should be proud of the fact that instead of leaving, you decided to stay; instead of him running away from the problem, he came to you, told you, and is taking the time to make things right again.
ReplyDeleteMarriage is no walk in the park. We've been married just about as long as you have, and things have never been EASY. Some days, weeks, years, we get into a flow. Some days, weeks, years we struggle to connect, to meet each other halfway, to be an "us."
But, we are, just as you are, an "us." A team. Raising children. Negotiating problems. Finding fault with each other. Celebrating each other's better qualities. Sometimes it takes longer to find the pride. Sometimes it's easier.
You can do it. I believe in you.
I echo the two comments above. And add - find little things to be proud of each day. Actively LOOK for a reason to tell him you're proud of him. Even something small, like on payday, "I'm proud of you for bringing home a steady paycheck". When he takes care of something around the house or with the kids without being asked "I'm proud of you for being a good father". Those little things add up and help you see even bigger things. Just like "feeling" love - sometimes, you have to make yourself look for it, and the natural feeling will follow.
ReplyDeleteI agree w/ the above comments, also! One thing that's really helped in our marriage is a fairly new meme that Judy started on her blog, A Thankful Woman's Book of Blessings. It's called "Lovin' My Husband" & each Tues. anyone who wishes to participate can write up three things about their husband. In addition to my blog posts, I rewrite them into a special journal I gave DH for Christmas & leave it on his pillow to read before he goes to bed that night.
ReplyDeleteEven if you don't participate on your blog, finding three things each week may help find the pride in Hubby that you are longing for. Here's the link to her first post, introducing the meme: http://threeblessingsacademy.blogspot.com/2012/04/small-successes_19.html
Know that my prayers are continuing for you & your family. You may not see it from your perspective right now, but you have truly come a long way since September. Much love & blessings to you!
Me Again!
ReplyDeleteOops! I just re-read my comment from earlier & realized I gave you the wrong blog link. Here is the correct one: http://thankfulwoman.blogspot.com/2012/01/lovin-my-husband-brand-new-meme.html