Two really sweet people fell in love...

...sweet, but with little street smarts and loved living under their little rock.

That's how I feel about Hubby and I. We are both really sweet people (I judge, lol) who together have created a really sweet family. We came from broken pasts and small self-confidences and together felt we could heal and create something wonderful.

Blessedly, we are still healing and creating something - something wonderful. It's just feels that lately it is the blind leading the blind. Two really sweet, but blind people. Luckily, blind can mean we trust what we can't see - that means we have a strong faith. I have never doubted God loves, and has, we two very sweet people in His hands. It's just meeting Him halfway in the world these past few years is what I feel we haven't done very well on. I feel we have spiritual smarts, but not street smarts. Apparently, we prefer rocks to paved streets.

I mean, I know what plans we did have in place, I know what we did. I know we lived with purpose an vision. I'm a little lost on how I missed things were not being done as I could see - and that personal blame is hard is move past. And, since I still feel lost since the fallout back in September - I guess I feel stuck. In making new game plans, rescue plans, survival plans I realize how "behind the times" I am.

I am also ashamed to say I miss my little rock I lived under. I miss feeling secure, only focused on home schooling, playing in the backyard, playdates, and co-op. I miss not feeling weighed down, being happy, feeling lighthearted. I miss seeing unicorns and sunbeams praying as I breathe in thanksgiving, and feeling connected to God in my "happy way". Life has become such an effort from the moment I wake. I nap a lot now. I'm sleeping much of the time I'm not solely responsible for the kids. I don't think I've admitted that out loud to any friends. I obviously can still feel joy, laugh and function - so I don't think I'm in some deep dark depression. But, I certainly find myself not pushing myself to do more than basic house work (and before all this, being a neat freak was my life), good home schooling, and sleeping. I'm so behind on laundry! What's exercise outside of family hikes and perhaps a little Zumba on the Wii once a full moon?  I've even gotten lax on tracking what I eat on Weight Watchers. I'm down 15 lbs, but my progress has slowed down.

I feel so comfortable in bed. I feel safe, warm, and oh! I can escape. I can read in bed, or just escape in my dreams. Waking stinks. The knowledge that I'm sleeping away my son's toddler hood instead of playing with him more often than I do makes me more sad. Thank God for home schooling, or my interaction would be far more limited with my 8 year old. I'm so thankful for the extra attention my 3 year old gets at preschool. It's quite sobering. I'm just used to our old life - constant energy, constant joy, constant exploration of our God given world. Somehow, a comfy warm bed has become my fortress.

I also feel trapped by where we live. I have written much about the blessing of the condo we were able to move into. Fall was nice here; winter long. Then spring came, and while that should refresh me with the beauty of the weather (and our lovely back porch) - it hasn't. Apparently, during the cold months, some interesting new neighbors moved in, and now the warm weather is bringing out some interesting people I have noticed - not the kids (the kids are never outside). I'm getting the itch to move. Yet, moving is expensive, and we were hoping this place would be our transition home to a move to a new city for a fresh start. It is looking like God has plans to keep us here in our current location instead. I am hoping to buy us some more time here by adding some protection to our home while we save money for a move and a place that may require 1st month/last month rent and security deposits. Luckily, we know all our immediate neighbors, and they are kind people. Recently, we worked together on some "community watch" issues, and that was good. Still, I know we need to move.

I've been looking at local homes for rent, and they are just more pricey in our area than places we had looked to move away to. So, we could be looking at apartment living. Or...another place I have a lead on. We're going Thursday to look at a home we could "house sit" for up to a year for a family. It would be a furnished home that we would care take for an amount we could afford to pay. I just need to see what they pay in utilities. I like the option of a year lease in a home like this because we could keep our items stored and ready for a move if a job came up Hubby wanted. I could easily stay behind with the kids to honor this lease, and we could move slowly and save moving costs. Sadly, if we accept a possible offer to take this house - we could not move in till August. So, that leaves me putting up with the neighborhood till then. I pray I can do that. I'd appreciate prayers in that regard.

I will say the house/apartment searching have cheered me a little. I guess I feel like I have more control in the choosing where we go, and that feels more like "home" than how we came to be in our current place. And, I feel so terrible saying that - because this place has been a BLESSING. How everything fit, how it was readily available to house us, etc. How selfish am I for feeling this way? God had a plan for us to be here....and I allow it to depress me? Ugh. I think about how worse things could be for us....sick children, a sick husband, cancer, infections, hospital stays - and I realize just how good I have it. I would take this cross over any other. One of my dear friends reminds me constantly that this "is a season" and it will pass. Yet...I want to nap the struggle away? I want to sleep the joy away? I need to slap myself and grab the reins of life again and find the joy, even if I don't "feel" the happiness. I think about my neighbors and how they don't have the choice to move; that this was their daily life before we ever moved here. This is a lesson in solidarity with my fellow human.  The people around us are all God's children. I need to be as respectful as I am cautious.

So, please keep praying for us. Pray for us naive, sweet people. Pray we find the course and plan for it well. Pray we strongly grasp the reins of our worldly lives, while still giving God the ultimate control.

I'll never be able to go back under my rock. I'm not sure that in my search for a new home that it should be a rock to hide under. It might need to be a city on a hill (Matthew 5:14), or just a new roof over our heads with plenty of windows to clearly see out of. And...I wouldn't mind prayers for more self-confidence. I want some sassy with the sweet. ;)

Much love!