Looking back at 2009 - Looking ahead to 2010

I love this time of year....New Year's Eve. It isn't about the annual party we throw which thrills us with a house full of loved ones (kids too!) to ring in a new year - though that is awesome. It's usually all the reflecting I hear and read about that makes me want to also strive in goal making for the fresh new year. It also makes me reflect back to see if I met any of the goals/resolutions I made the previous Eve.

I used to just make resolutions - but I found I broke them. I used to do this college. Now I "resolve" to make goals...and for some reason - this helps!

In early 2009, I started blogging in a way to help me have a place to focus on the 2009 goals I made. I'll copy and paste a few things here from those early entries and goal making:

1st- about me...
Wanna join me for the journey? Well than, welcome to your (hopefully) daily dose of a Rose-y (hehe) Outlook on Life. The name fits, for many reasons, the obvious and not so obvious. It fits our family unit, as well as my view on the world. I'm an optimist, spiritual "God's got me even if I struggle with letting go" happy go lucky, life is good and what you make of it, sunshiny gal. Life IS good, and I'd rather look at things happily, and have an er, ahem...rosy outlook on the life I've been given. Even though the flip side of me is a worrier, and I struggle at embracing a pure confidence in many things, I still prefer at the end of the day to embrace the good, because life is too short. I'm reminded every day. We need to find the joy - work at it if we have to. And, I have to use my brain, heart, and soul to do this - with a lot of help and faith.

So - there was my intro on me. When 2008 was passing away, and it was the Eve of 2009 - I made a goal. I wanted to work on that more worrisome side of me. I wanted to try to become a stronger, more confidant person. The person I felt 95% of the time. The person who was infused with faith and PEACE and optimism after a day with family, time with God, uplifting Mass, fun with friends, or even with a cross that I bear KNOWING God carried me, or waking up and knowing I was taken care of; that worrying was pointless because it lead to fear and doubt, and that isn't what life is about. Life is about living without taking things for granted and how precious our gifts are, because life is short!

People who know me know I'm an optimist, happy, and God trusting. I've been tested many times and I know God is there for me. I actually feel Him most during those "drop to my knees" times and I'm so grateful for those times. Yet...one thing I wanted to work on in 2009 was dealing with the "smaller crosses" of life and letting go of my fears and letting God make me the confidant woman He wants me to be! How is it I do so well with big crosses (illness, job loss, strife) but the daily little ones sink me? I was hurt a ton in my past, and currently deal with some harsh but caring extended family members. The result is I battle insecurities daily - even when I know God can just take those from me if I let Him. I felt in 2008 (and maybe because in 2008 I was pregnant or nursing - thus more emotional, hormonal, post partum, and tired) I was giving in to my worries on a daily basis. I questioned what I said to people, did, thought, or what others did or said towards me. I worried about my family, I let negative family comments get to me and affect how I felt about myself and parenting. I felt all I vented to trusted friends was just "me me me me me" (I still battle that - friends reading this...I love you and thank you for being that listening ear - I'm going to keep working on it for 2010!). I wanted to let that go in my life and be open to the GOOD. Be whole!

So, New Year's Eve, before 2009, I resolved these goals:

1. Work more on letting go, letting God with my daily worries, small crosses, and insecurities.
2. Embracing each day.
3. Focus on quality time with my girls and husband.
4. Becoming more prayerful and doing more "quiet time" and reflective reading.

I know journaling helps people stay focused on their goals, as well as create an outlet for their feelings so they can process, release, and find a way to move forward. I decided to blog in Feb of this year to help me find that focus, and feel like I had a place to vent that wasn't always a friend whose valuable time I was using up LOL! Also, blogging was great for me because I could post the POSITIVES in my life - pictures, family events, my kids, etc and know that during my day I DID do something good for my family. My anxiety would make me think I had wasted the day, or didn't spend time with my girls or husband. Blogging these great moments and seeing them add up helped me see I was living out my calling. I think most bloggers do that. It's why sometimes we as readers think a blogger's life is perfect - and it is not....they are just capturing the good moments and memories. They struggle with all the stresses we do - they just try and remember the good times. So blogging helped me greatly with those goals of seeing my life more clearly and blessed. A true gift where each day is precious and short.

When I look over the blog, I see where I quoted from my readings, or from other inspirational places, the bible, friends, family, or famous quotes and they have helped me so much. I see the pictures of our family moments, or Daybooks capturing my little moments, or venting entries that gave me emotional release. I've felt I've stayed accountable to that 2009 goal list. Sure, I've fallen a few times, but I have made it a constant focus of improvement.

When I talk to my husband and friends (well, BEFORE getting pregnant with #3) I ask them if I seem better, talking less about my worries etc. Did they see me as a little more peaceful than in 2008? Most reactions seemed positive - though I was warned to not expect to CHANGE myself - God made me who I am - the parts that make me a worrier or a prey to anxiety also make me a great listener, empathic to others, accepting and loving of others - maybe even a challenge to others with my perspective. I just need to keep working on finding that balance. I really think I was/am doing better job at letting go. Now, getting pregnant (YAY!!) has brought back some of those hormones that mess with me, brought out some "great" (sarcasm) extended family comments lol, and some of those inner voices that make me worry about everything...but I feel stronger! I feel more empowered to take on those anxieties. I may freak a little, but if I reflect, pray, write, or call someone - I can release faster than I did before. I take that as a step in the right direction. I'm letting Go, Letting God a little more every day.

One New Year's reflection I got a lot out of and made me write this post was Jennifer's entry. She lists 7 lessons from 2009. Most of them were really great for me. I'll do MY take on her list - paraphrasing her titles:

1. Taking Care of oneself physically helps everything else...I have found this year that working out more, or walking, has helped me deal with all those inner voices. When I am stronger in body, I find I can be more focused on my spirit. Endorphins or energy help one focus 'Above'. I lost about 23 pounds (before getting pregnant) that really renewed me. Mind, spirit, and body DO work together to help us hear God and feel Him. It's empowering!

2. Rethinking Gratitude...Jennifer is so right - if you lose the "If only's" and try to be grateful for what comes your way (or a HIDDEN blessing from a hard road or cross) it is easier to be happy. I also try to adopt a "Why NOT me" attitude when things (good OR bad) happen instead "why me?." It really helps the spirit!

3. Trusting God does make things work out! HAHA - That is TOTALLY what I've been working on this year, and when I can do it...it is SO true!

4. Avoiding snacks and toys in church....Well, lol...we do use those things in small quiet doses, so I can't really relate to what she wrote, aside from the fact we don't take in many toys, and when I had a baby shower for Lovely, someone told me to adopt the "shopping cart" mentality with church. "You NEVER want to let your kids out of the shopping cart or you'll never get them back in - same goes for the pew. Keep crawlers and walkers in your lap or the pew chairs because if they learn they can move around in the pews, then they'll really push your buttons in getting you to take them out, or distract others from welcoming your kids in church." It has worked for both my girls (who knows why!) and both are pretty calm church goers. If I have needed to stand up with a fussy little one - I usually don't have to go far, and I don't let them down. I just hold them, then come back and sit down. Our new pastor actually prefers us to STAY in the sanctuary. He doesn't like us being separated from Mass and welcomes the noises of children. How else will little ones learn if they can't be a part of the community (toys, snacks, books, and all). I LOVE that!!!!!!

5. Expecting others to fill you up....As a girl who battles this.....her #5 rule is SO true!!! Sometimes I look for affirmation from family members over and over and don't and get crushed. Only God is perfect and always there for you...so why do I stress? HAHA - easier for me to say than for me to do. I value others so much because of my past LOL! A new goal for 2010.....

6. "The root of stress is usually fear...." AMEN!!! That is a lesson I have figured out this year!!! I'm taking it with me to work on in 2010!

7. The Poop Fates...HAHA - this one was just too funny. And, a lesson I already learned. Poop, and anything else, can happen to you and the kids ANYTIME...hehehe! That REALLY goes for stomach bugs too! Never say never!

So thanks Jennifer for the reflection!!

Ok - so what am I resolving for 2010? Here are my goals (in no particular order):

1. To continue working on letting go, and trusting. If those anxieties take hold, I need to acknowledge them, then let them go somehow to God. That is true empowerment to me. I know I can do more growth here. Blogging, praying, and knowing who to talk to and challenge me helps as well.

2. Continue to put health on the list - cook better, eat better, exercise and encourage my family to do the same. 2009 was our best year yet for this - I know 2010 can rock this too!

3. Keep working on my prayer life, and praying with my Hubby and girls. It will help us all stay fresh and renewed.

4. THIS IS MY BIG ONE - last year, I worked on me dealing with the little crosses and letting go, letting God more. This year, I want also turn my focus of self improvement outward towards my spouse and family. I want to work on building up my family. So often I find myself treating others with more respect than my Hubby. I want to work on how I respond to my children's needs. I want to be secure in how they are being raised. I want to point out their talents as much as I point out their little friends' talents. I also want to make my extended family more of a priority with family time - even with the undercurrents of strive at times. Life is just TOO short. Sometimes the people we know love us unconditionally are the people we don't put 1st enough because they love us unconditionally. I want to improve that this coming year.

5. I want to continue making family traditions, discoveries, and values. 2009 has been such a blast exploring what worked for us and next year will be just as great, especially with a little newborn boy in the mix!

6. Looking to God to affirm me, not others. My love language is "words of affirmation" so this will be HARD to do (one of my hardest)....but I can't let those harsh comments get me down, or live for others. I need to blaze the trail I'm called to carve!

So there you have it....looking back to 2009, and looking ahead to 2010. I feel SO blessed! We never know how long we have, so today is all we can aim for...and I strive that each day we're given in 2010 will be a day I'm not taking for granted, and where I see all the rich blessings I've been given even in the small and big crosses which WILL come.

Much love and HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!! Enjoy this fresh new start!!!