More on my "Lost" Pride.

So, I posted the other day on being sad about my lost pride.

In talking about this, a point was brought up that I probably felt a loss of pride in my husband because others had (my immediate family). This was an excellent point that I could understand this person saw - but it was a rare moment of being wrong for them (*wink!*). It made me realize I had more to blog about to help myself, and others (including my husband who reads this blog and gives me his blessing on each post) understand my battle to be proud of him again.

While it is true I have some very strong extended family influences who don't like my husband currently for what he "did" to us - those influences have ALWAYS felt that way since we were married about 2 years. These family members loved him while we dated, and in the newly wedded stage. But, things started to go downhill after a couple of years of marriage. Some of my family didn't respect him because he didn't seem to be able to want or could provide a life of luxury in the corporate world (this was a joint decision on our parts!). I spent 8 years defending him at family gatherings or private discussions. In those 8 years, their words never had me feel any lack of pride in him, or our choices and goals for our family - be ever so modest as they are. In fact, lately I have spent ALL of the time defending him and the decision to stay married to him to them since the fallout in September. If I have a grievance with him, I don't tell the family members I can't trust or are too close to us to stay level headed. It just is not wise (is it ever?). So, I save it for the family members who can handle it, or our dearest friends.

About our dearest friends  - my husband has not lost any respect with them. I can't tell you the blessing of having so many people stand with him when it all came out. Certain family members made it real clear that  "MY" friends were the ones who came to pack us, shelter us, feed us, and move us. In reality - it was mostly OUR friends and his friends. Our male friends reached out to me to give a male perspective on how this could have happened so I would understand better and perhaps forgive him faster. The men in our lives "got it" - got how this could happen, while many of the females in our lives were left utterly confused and angry. No one excused my husband for it - but they understood how he dropped the ball and hid all his juggling. These people  - our friends, church and community, have never stopped caring or see him as less of a man. They are still proud of him. They are proud we are fighting for marriage. He is highly respected at work. He is an AMAZING hands on dad.

What I was trying to blog about in that post, was the fact that I'm struggling with feeling that romantic pride most wives feel. In some regards we are NOW dedicated, married roommates - trying to find each other attractive and flirty and all that stuff AGAIN. As we struggle (and this is a two was street, I'm sure my lack of pride translates to him and isn't a big turn on in the "dating department") I find myself seeing other people's marriages as pedestal worthy (when, I'm sure that I'm over romanticizing them..lol) and start to covet the actions I see sweet husbands doing for their wives - or how proud the women are around their husbands - witty/sweet banter, PDA, glances, etc. We ARE dating. We had never dated well once the kids were born so we are now making this our first priority -  getting out often for couple time. But we find ourselves very quiet while eating dinner, etc. I will say, this is when dialoguing (the technique from Retrouvaille) comes in REALLY handy, since it opens the door to communicating. I just covet the seemingly effortless marital dynamics from other couples. They just seem to have solid pride in each other....and I feel we (I) lack that. That was what I was trying to say in my last post. No one is coloring my view of Hubby - I just don't know how to word it. Maybe pride is the wrong word?

Maybe I just miss being a uncomplicated newlywed? And since this really broke us open, I miss how easy it is to just fall into his arms? Maybe he's still feeling shame and has a hard time opening his arms to me? Maybe it is less about pride and more about being able to trust?

I hope this clarified...I'm sorry I confused people with that post. It's hard to word complicated and FOREIGN feelings.

Much love, and thanks for the comments and prayers. I'm incredibly blessed - not just being married to a GOOD man, but being supported by an amazing body of Christ out there!

And...to you reading...thanks for loving and being proud of my husband. That carries him, and me. What a delight and a saving grace. THANK YOU!!!