I'm better for posting.

When a door seems shut...God opens a window. 

View from my bed today - even with Sandy hitting the eastern shore.

I was amazed last evening.

When I hit publish on my post, "Stuck", yesterday - I instantly felt better. I even commented on that post how much lighter I felt. I'm not cured, but I don't feel as out of control or panicked as I did writing that post. I feel less numb. Apparently transparency is my MO. I felt less insecure, and less depressed with letting it all out. Talking about similar parenting decisions to mine by my nearest and dearest made me feel more confident. Talking on the phone to a dear blogging pal reminded me to toss out the negative voices as much as I could. All of that is logical, and I'm working on it. My emotions don't always follow suit - but I'm working on it. It is extra aggravating to me that I KNOW what I should be doing, feeling, and dealing - but I can't FIX it. I'm such a fixer.

I do notice I trend towards depression and insecurity when I hold back from sharing my feelings. It's hard, because I do feel the need to share my feelings a lot - which appears self-centered and burdens those I want to talk to. It depends on how heard I feel. I tend to ramble or seek resolution if I don't think I'm making enough sense to be understood (or "heard"). Oh, how I wish I could turn it off. Blessedly, my episodes usually come and go. But, I've been pretty embattled the last year - and couple this past year to the previous 2 years where I was sensing something insecure (I had no idea it was my marriage, but I knew I was in unsteady times, and it lead me to seek a therapist. I had assumed it was post postpartum depression and lack of sleep). So, a few of my relationships have been tested by me...well...being very flawed. Me almost being my own Roman soldier and forcing Simons to help carry my crosses. Then I try to over-fix...and well....I'm exhausted. So, I hold back. I hold in. And....I implode - like yesterday.

(I still feel incredibly frumpy with my weight struggle. But, that is another post. Today I improved...but barely.)

But...transparency works for me. Perhaps, it is how God made me. The perks of my personality are a gift from God. The flip side is just a cross Jesus asks me to carry. I will find balance one day. Until then, I learned yesterday to take my burden to the altar, and to this blog. And keep working on improving. I felt less numb today - I felt God again. It was me being open, since He is always there for me. I was laying in bed during the younger two's nap time and I saw the beauty out my window and the sunlight and just FELT God. I'm still struggling to keep that door open and feel less numb, less searching, but I felt better today than I had in a week. I made sure I scooped up my family and got them outside and IN God's beautiful creation.

We headed to our local community garden, park, and hiking trails.

Today was just a gift from God. The days may be becoming shorter and shorter....

...but it is up to me to find the beauty in the hours of light I'm given.

I'm better. Not perfect. But better.

AMEN! Praying for you! If you have any prayer requests, PLEASE post them in the combox so we can pray for you!!! Thank you for all the comments and prayers. Really.