sTuCk.

I'm in a season again. My anxiety is back with a vengeance. I've been battling generalized anxiety (GAD) for a while now, and it comes and goes in the heaviness of its yoke, and it can correspond greatly with the strength of my spiritual strength.

What happened to my spiritual/emotional/physical high and sense of peace and balance last weekend? 

I'm anxious no matter how "spiritually high or low" I am. It's a cross I bear, and there are seasons I need medication, or not. There are seasons where I need more professional help, or not, But, it is always there. I notice a trend of feeling more anxiety and depression when I'm spiritually dry, tested, or as the days grow shorter in the fall. And if all those elements combine - then I'm facing quite the burden of generalized anxiety. And lookie lookie....after a trying year and one month, here comes the time change. The time to "fall back" is approaching, and my well is a bit tapped out as we head into the time change. I feel a whammy of insecurity, anxiety, and depressive feelings circling me. And, I'm in a season of trying to figure out my journey with God at the same time. The last few days have found me discerning how to improve my physical, spiritual, and emotional health. It's about time to pull out the bigger guns while asking for prayer as the sun sets earlier and darkness sets in.

I cried at Mass today. Well, as much as I could allow with my children there (not needing to see their mother cry) and my parents there (who I just don't have the relationship where I can be vulnerable - I can tell they WANT me to be real with them, but I just can't take that leap. Long story, and one that is not all their faults for sure). I'm at an impasse of my own emotional creation. One where I know my God is so with me, is holding me up, and wants me to lie on His shoulder as would a sleeping infant - soothed and love - but one where I feel stuck and unable to move ahead.  I've spent the last 13 months totally FROGing it (Fully Relying On God) while we were drowning emotionally, financially, etc. And now....prayers are getting answered, and we are coming out of the desert in the financial area. You would think I'm closer to God than ever. But, I'm finding myself at a loss. Where do I walk with God now? In panic mode and time of test....I found it easy to see Him at every turn. Now, it's like I know He is there, holding me up....but I don't know how to hug Him now that we are not in panic mode. Does that make sense? I don't know any other way to say it....I have been hugging God, and sitting in His lap, and feeling his arms around me, and heeding His call to witness His everlasting love in the midst of my crisis, blindingly FROGing as He redeemed our last 13 months (and the last several years I didn't really know was brewing) and this past week...I'm finding myself incredibly lonely. And it isn't God abandoning me at all...because rationally, I know He is there and has me....but for some reason....I'm at a loss for how to proceed with my Lord. It's like I've forgotten how to delight in Him when we are not in crisis. It's like...I'm numb.

I should be celebrating and enjoying the light at the end of the tunnel, right? What's wrong with me?

Is it shell shock? Is it like a form of PTSD? Because I've been battling a multi-front war for over a year now.  All the things happening in my marriage was physical/emotional/spiritual warfare, losing my home was a physical blow, losing the home base for my domestic church was a spiritual blow, having my husband's health fail a week after learning those truths was a physically and emotionally draining war front. Why was I stronger in the battle, and now weaker in the respite? I'm having to use energy to calm fires in my family, in a few friendships, so many fronts I lose track. I feel like a fraud at times. And, I'm a terrible liar. 

I can tell I'm coming under all sorts of attacks now mentally, emotionally, and spiritually because of this new "season". Since the summer, I've been battling insecurity on a HUGE scale (if we are friends or family...most likely I've been secretly questioning how solid we are, or flat out annoying you by looking to fix or affirm our relationship. If I haven't been...then be so grateful..as I am...that I have that peace about us. What a gift to me at this time. It's good to be good). I'm battling major anxiety and growing depression (my motivation to do more above the basics is starting to decrease) which means it is time to revisit my therapist as soon as our insurance kicks in. It's the oddest feeling to be aware of the help you need while trying to ride it out at the same time. 

I'm starting to let innocent comments about my parenting style (discipline - too harsh or too mild depending on the observer - especially by family members) confuse me and handicap me from being consistent (I'm giving them the power, it's not their fault). Innocent comments such as if my younger two can dress themselves by themselves yet make me want to cry out of feeling like a failure, having friends be honest I've exhausted them by talking too much about me and my struggles scare me. I then allow myself to overcompensate and try too hard to fix "us" and keep explaining my reasoning and looking for affirmation instead of letting go and letting the ball be in their court whether they accept me for me at this time, or not. I'm broken right now, and people have to accept that and push ahead and reach back out to me....and I have to learn to let the ones go who can't do that for me. I'm apparently in a 2-3 year rut of selfishness, and if they can't carry the burden of me...then I have to accept it. I don't want to force my yoke on anyone...and yet....I do. And, I'm horrible at accepting that - it is on me. 

God should be all I need. Yet, I keep turning and burdening worldly relationships...why? Why do I need the affirmation? Why do I take so many things personally?

I'm starting to let family comments about where we are living now and how THEY think it is affecting our children affect me. I feel like I am crawling out of my skin now when I'm home. I feel like a failure in my current home because of these comments (again, I've got to stop giving power to the comments!). I'm catching myself turning to sloth to avoid duties in my home - too lazy to fold clothes because I want to "check out". Dishes piling in the sink. That road won't lead anywhere but to me feeling more down. A straight home sets my spirit free - I know that. So, I need to make it happen. It just feels like situational depression -  at home, I feel like I'm walking through thick mud to do chores. I never was this way in my old house. I was a neat freak in the main areas of our home. It helps to homeschool on pretty days at the park, etc. It breaks up the time I spend on our condo. I also am so upset I see our condo like this - when this condo was a total blessing from God. A BLESSING. How is it I feel mired down by our blessing? It doesn't help that 5 people in a small condo has also added some wear and tear I feel guilty about. I look forward to fixing it up as we move out as a gift back to our generous land lord. 

Maybe I get so tired in our condo, because so much of my energy goes to making sure my kids feel their mom is happy, that their parents are ok, and that this move and "transition" between homes is GOOD and SECURE for them. I spend so much time making sure they see the perks of all three of them in one bedroom together (ages 2-9), that the move a year ago was ok, that the move to the mountains would be great, and now the NON-move to the mountains will be great as we look for a home here (these kids have faced or expected 3 moves in a year now), that the people we call neighbors here are children of God and wonderful (you know...with the same healthy caution of strangers, etc), yet we can't run outside a play like we did at our old house with our neighbors. To then hear family members say, "Well, I want to give Lovely a Lego set, but I can't because she doesn't have her own private area to play with them without her siblings "getting into" them and puts the 2 year old's safety at stake with small pieces..." makes me want to yell at my family instead of stay calm and patient because I know they love me. They are trying to be proactive...and I'm being reactive. I'm being oversensitive.  Their comments just remind me who they really blame for all this (hubby) and makes healing hard for them seeing me live where I live, and healing hard for my hubby and myself...feeling like we are squelching our children's spirits. It's exhausting. 

Deep down, I know we have all we need to be happy, which is why, 90% of the time we ARE HAPPY. When I don't let the pressure get to me, I can stand back and look at how great we have it. We are living with less, a lot less, and our children are THRIVING. Sure, there are extras I'm looking forward to (more bedrooms perhaps? a yard?) but we are living so small and uncomplicated and my kids are showing that works. Why am I not more secure? 

The funny thing is...I know I shouldn't listen to anyone but God. Really. Why can't I follow through with that reason. I don't need anyone but God. I also have the one person I need to really "get" me....so...what's the problem? 

And yet....I'm numb to God? How is that possible? I write that with tears running down my face. We're approaching Thanksgiving and Advent where feeling God so close should be easy and exciting and FUN! I am so tired of thinking of doing our traditions already. HELLO??!!! God just got is through the biggest crisis of our lives, and it's a struggle to feast in Him? I go and take the Eucharist, and I lack feeling the "commune" in communion. I feel so lonely while being a part of the greatest community in the world - the Body of Christ. What is UP with that? I never feel that way. I know He is there. He has not forsaken me. So...it's like the age old relationship line - "It's not you, it's ME." This is all on ME, and I'm totally frustrated. Except when I'm numb.

I was doing so well with my weight loss journey. I then lost more weight in the anxiety over hubby's job and loss of pay. Now, since he has come home and my anxiety changed tunes - I've gained weight. About 7 pounds. I've had to grab the reins again. I'm getting back in control...but I was/am turning to food again. It's so frustrating. I had about 50 pounds to lose, hit my 10% goal, now have regained some. I'm back to needing to lose 30 pounds after making such strides to that total. I'll get there, but I wanted a nice buffer (HA! When I first typed "buffer" I typed "buffet") for the holiday and traditional foods of the season.

I rationally know God is there for me. I know spiritual dryness happens. I know spiritual warfare happens. It happens to us all. I'm obviously entering that season. I have no idea why, but I know what I need to do in seeking help, and so now I seek prayers. Please pray for me. Pray my numbness subsides. I want to crawl into my Savior's lap again and lay my head on His shoulder. I miss that hug I've been giving Him extra tight the last 13 months - the arms I've known were around me since I was in 1st grade and Jesus was literally my only friend as classmates taunted me for 8 years. Why after all those crosses am I tripping myself up? Why am I numb instead of feeling anymore? Why can't I simply return the hug? I love hugs. You see me around town and at church and I hug. I'm so ready to bear hug Christ again. 

I'm just tired of being stuck. So, please pray for me. Thanks so much! 

Ecclesiastes 3:1-14

There is a time for everything,
    and a season for every activity under the heavens:

²     a time to be born and a time to die,
    a time to plant and a time to uproot,
³     a time to kill and a time to heal,
    a time to tear down and a time to build,
⁴     a time to weep and a time to laugh,
    a time to mourn and a time to dance,
⁵     a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
    a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
⁶     a time to search and a time to give up,
    a time to keep and a time to throw away,
⁷     a time to tear and a time to mend,
    a time to be silent and a time to speak,
⁸     a time to love and a time to hate,
    a time for war and a time for peace.

⁹ What do workers gain from their toil? ¹⁰ I have seen the burden God has laid on the human race. ¹¹ He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet^[a] no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end. ¹² I know that there is nothing better for people than to be happy and to do good while they live.¹³ That each of them may eat and drink, and find satisfaction in all their toil—this is the gift of God. ¹⁴ I know that everything God does will endure forever; nothing can be added to it and nothing taken from it. God does it so that people will fear him.

Praise God!!! He is so good. For that, my heart soars. 

Much love! Blessings!