Sarcasm

Just a warning - this post may not make sense. I'm just writing to process about something I don't want to be too public about. In essence, it is about the price of sarcasm. When I'm stressed, I jest. It's a coping mechanism. And honestly, it works for me - if you can laugh about a situation, all of the sudden it is not overwhelming anymore. The load is a little lighter.

If you've been reading since Easter, I'm in one of the more stressful spirals again. Things were really "up" since Retrouvaille started in late January. But, since Easter, I'm obviously in a bit of a funk (yes, I'm getting help for that too). I'm trying to use humor and sarcasm to deal with:

A) The HEALING of my marriage.
B) The now current lack of job promotion directions for Hubby.
C) Discernment on moving to someplace in our area versus out of state.
D) Some interesting new neighbors.
E) Who I can talk to about all this, without tiring them out or pushing them away.

Tonight - my sarcasm and coping went awry. I'm not really sure what happened - it happened so fast. But I think I ended up hurting someone else rather than helping myself. And, what is heavy on my heart tonight is I think I've been doing it for months without realizing it. And, now that I do know - I am not in a good place tonight. I feel terrible, and I pray for forgiveness, but I'm afraid to bring it up since (if this makes ANY sense) I think I'm hurting more than the other party is by my actions. What was pointed out was done calmly and probably with little dramatic thought. So, I'm not really wanting to put more focus on it. So, I'm choosing to process some here, and then letting it pass. The bottom line is that it was all meant WELL I believe. In fact, it was a courageous move by one person to protect another from stress. I wish more people were like that in taking care of each other. I found myself, with all the emotions I felt in the moment, a bit jealous of that protection.

I also found myself feeling as much hurt as I felt apologetic for my 'not thinking' for months. I also am feeling confused. Confused in how I should live my life during this test of character and faith. I'm trying to figure out how to deal, how to be authentic, real, and honest when so often I want to build a wall of cheer and faith. Yet...that honesty can be too much for people (perhaps this is why I use humor or sarcasm to smooth things over?). One of my biggest fears is driving loved ones away. While I know I did not do that tonight (what a blessing!!), the method and words chosen to translate their feelings to me stung. I was shocked as much as saddened. I felt guilty for my hot tears of anger as well as my hot tears of shame. In their action to end stress, I got VERY stressed (ironic). It all seemed unfair....here I'm in the most stressful time of my life in the months following September 2011 and I'm told (gently!) that I need to not cause stress! Ouch!! Humbling. But, don't we all need to be humbled?

All of this CAN be a fantastic lesson in the making in that I can make myself more aware of the need to watch what I say, listen more than talk, and work on turning to God more than turning to people. I can't keep leaning on others too much or I could just break them. The only One who can really handle my pain (next to a professional, ha!) is God. I HAVE to remember that. I also need to remember that while I can't help my feelings, I can help my reaction. I can choose to process this learning experience, and then let it go. I am bad about the letting go part - but I am hoping to use this experience to work on improving in that area. I also need to choose to accept the fact that most likely, they have not thought about this for hours like I have, as SURPRISE (sarcasm!), the world just isn't all about me! I think God also wants me to see what amazing, AMAZING, people He has put in my family's life that feel safe enough to be honest towards me, as well as love me. It sometimes feels like a delicate dance, but the dance is a gift. I just have to keep practicing to get my moves right.

Seriously...you know what was the biggest joke tonight? In clicking into Blogger to make this post - I found they changed EVERYTHING. I have no idea if I'm even posting this correctly. The one post where I come to process a joke gone wrong...and I find the joke's on me! Har Har Har.

Did I mention the title of this post is called "Sarcasm"? Cause I could barely find where the title entry bar was. Niiiiiiiiicccceee. Any delusions I had about becoming a published writer one day just went out the window with my technical skills. I need to put the potted plant back in the space on my mantle I emptied for my Pulitzer. Wait, I don't have a mantle anymore because.................  .

Yes, this post isn't sarcastic at all. *Wink*.