Wanted: grace

I wrote this a week ago. I didn't post it at the time because it is personal, and I did not want to post it out of anger. I wanted to write it, get it out of my system, and then post it sometime for the absurdity of it all. The whole "are you KIDDING me" factor. Obviously, nothing in my life is perfect or "rosy" all the time. Maybe someone else out there has similar voices to contend with, or to ignore. In any case, here was the more absurd side of last week.

I choose to laugh about it now and to Let Go, Let God. So, enjoy reading below!

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I am currently a woman seeking grace (haha! Just like my girl Holly).

Today has been stressful. Two parents, two separate medical procedures with anesthesia, two big deals. Add that to lots of extended family around waiting with us in the waiting room to support and love us, and you really get an emotional circus. The support can be humbling and uplifting. It can also wear you down. This is where I need some grace. Grace to turn the other cheek, or just laugh it off because of the ABSURDITY of certain spoken words.

A little back story on this. My family is pretty amazing and tightly knit. Maybe tightly woven is the better term. So woven, that it is hard to cut cords as we mature and age, all while still appreciating the strong bond we have and being grateful for that love because not every family can be there for each other as ours is (think "My Big Fat Greek Wedding). It's a delicate dance, and I am grateful (so grateful) that I have family members that love me enough to dance with. Still....I could use some grace.

Another back story - Hubby does not have contact with immediate or extended family on his side - so my family (and our friends) is all we have.

When Lovely was a baby, I worked. I was a teacher. Lovely spent the work days alternating with extended family and a babysitter. She was VERY comfortable going with anyone because it was her routine, and she especially loved her days with loving extended family. Hubby and I felt blessed she was with people who really loved her and protected her. They also got bonded with her too. So much, that at times - they felt their bond coupled with their extensive knowledge of children, made them more adept at parenting Lovely than I was. Even when Lovely began to go EVERY day to the baby sitter's, the bond was already strong (a GREAT thing love wise) to the point where still these extended family members felt they always knew best when it came to Lovely's needs, and because I was a young working mother and grad student they felt I just did not have the same touch and wisdom because I was not home with her like they were. To them I was a 50+ hour business week worker/student and a 20 hour a week business week mother- so they "knew best" and tried to compensate. I'll admit Hubby and I began to feel there was a lot more support towards Lovely's needs than maybe the acceptance and loving support a working mother needs when struggling to find that balance of work and family. More often than not, the words of these family members made me feel I was hurting my daughter by working and made me question myself on parenting decisions, schedules, etc. I felt VERY guilty for having to work. There was also more support of Lovely than support of my own marriage (at least in the actions and words of others). It was a hard time. Again, it did lead us to hiring the babysitter full time until I quit working - but the fibers were woven. Today, the bond is as strong as ever, even though I'm a stay at home mother of two. These different family members still feel they know Lovely the best, know her needs, and in pointing the out - even seem to exclude Baby Val as well in their comments. I know they don't mean it - or probably FEEL that way....it is just the power of their words. I sometime leave a conversation feeling very broken. I have spoken up, even fought, for more respect of my position and confessing the pain of their comments only for them to stop for a while, then start back up. People don't change easily. Hence, my need for grace.

So - back to the waiting room. My father was getting his procedures done - my extended family waiting together. I even had my uncle and aunt there. Baby Val was with us too. Now, as a stay at home mom with a young baby, obviously Baby Val knows me best. She also, at 10 months old, is in that "Mommy Only" stage. She does study others carefully before sharing her smiles, but once she really knows you - she is all smiles and interaction. If I leave her sight though while she is with you - prepare for her cries! Well, the following list is what I sat and listened to extended family say until I had to take Val for a walk to get a break. The words in ( )'s are my responses, either internal or spoken.

- Is Val more serious than Lovely was? I remember Lovely was far more friendly and loving (not so bad, but still made me wince that maybe some were stating preferences rather than observations)

- Val loves you like Lovely loved us (so.....that means because I worked, Lovely never really loved me as deeply as you and only Baby Val loves me and I missed out? thanks....)

- She's so clingy to you. Have you weaned yet? Had her use a sippy cup yet? She's far too needy of you that is has to be too hard on you for you to leave her. It's unfair to leave a baby so clingy if you need to go off and do something (wait, I thought you all wanted me to be a stay at home mother....)

- When I had young children, we never went anywhere. Even with siblings. We stayed home, or the back yard or park and made sure nap times were adhered to, etc and chores and cleaning done. Nowadays, stay at home moms do "clubs" or "co ops' and meet everyday. No one really stays home, keeps routines, or cleans their home because of their busy activities. (wait...again I say, I thought you all wanted me to be a stay at home mother....now because I do, I'm still not good enough? I'm still too busy to parent?)

- [sister holding Val on her legs in her lap - letting her stand and giggle, making family ask me:] Is she trying to pull up on things yet? (I respond with no, but she is rolling around now to get things, and the Ped isn't worried because she is a small fry, so she isn't ready to do more yet. She will in her own time). In response a family member than said - "Oh no, she'd be doing more, except Val gets left in her gymini and bouncer most of the time when she's not held, so she doesn't get a chance to pull up on things." (UUUUUUHHHHHHHHHH......what??? Is that my head pounding from my blood pressure? I pick Val up and teasingly say to her on purpose for my family members - "Oh Val....silly ____, do they live with us? They don't see all the cool things you do!" and left it at that).

After that, I went for my walk. I didn't want to start commenting back, or even fighting back. Not at the hospital. Not then. My sister came out to get water and we talked about it. I told her I'm not very good at this (being there and care taking with them), I'm too argumentative and sarcastic to keep my comments to myself in my defense on a day like today....in a hospital for my dad's HEART PROCEDURE! I told her my greatest fear as my family ages, all of them, is to know that days are numbered and we never know when God calls us home, and it could happen after these hurtful comments, or when I'm avoiding these family members to get a break and I'd feel so guilty and torn up about the past if I lost them. I feel so saddened because we are family and we need each other, need to treasure each other, because of time moving on quickly. I know they don't mean to stab my spirit with these words, but they do - and even when told, they don't stop. Their idea of love is this total honesty and "wisdom" so perhaps Hubby and I can make better choices....."their choices." It's a bitter pill to swallow. A hard dance to attempt. Friends say laugh it off, other family say to ignore it, my faith says to turn the other cheek and love them in spite of it all. But, I still feel broken. I left the hospital angry and sad, and again for a short time questioning my parenting instead of praying in the car for the health and recovery of my parents' procedures. I need me some grace. Big time. I also struggle with I do NOT deserve their comments - I don't. Plain and simple. But these people can't change, and most days are super loving. They are just of a different generation and opinion. I'm the only variable that can change.

Because, the bond I feel with my family sometimes seems to be more like bondage. And I really don't want it to be that way. I need grace - because I do love my family.

Thanks for the prayers!