To make good {fulfill]

I'm going to post date this for February, to make this count for my "Word of 2013 - Redeem" series. I'm breaking down the definition into the 12 parts in Webster to actually study the word better, and hold myself accountable to it each month.

I'm really sorry for the lack of posts here. I wonder if I have any readers left. I see some of you often (Kris, talk to S a lot, and some on FB) and others of you I try to read your blogs when I can (Karen, Blair, Mary, Maria, Kate, etc) but I've had so little drive to come here and blog anything.

So let's talk about finding a way to make good, to "fulfull" in the quest to redeem.

When you see me each day...I'm cheerful, EXCITED to be out of the condo, with you at school, jogging, etc. But at home...I'm pretty much a bump on a log. I homeschool and then my energy is gone. I have to remind myself to be present for my kids. I was trying to avoid using our insurance to get some medication to try (didn't want it on my record) but, after being pointed in another direction by a friend's therapist she had recommended, I am thinking after this week I need to not wait any more. Interestingly, I noticed that I get the darkest when I'm done ovulating in my cycle on my chart. While still living in quicksand during my fertile part of my cycle, I'm still more upbeat, fall asleep with less thoughts detracting me, etc. The moment I'm in my 3 days post O - I wake up feeling impending doom, go to sleep feeling impending doom, and am tempted to eat my feelings "away". Thankfully, I have great friends getting me out, helping me workout, and I'm hoping to see the scale decrease and my energy increase. Thank GOD I'm a positive person....infectiously so (a gift FROM Him). I think that tank is what keeps me going. It's totally situational, part chemical...not total clinical. If I wait to make a call to see a doctor and my cycle starts over....I'm less inclined to make the call. Then days like today hit, and I'm mad I haven't called sooner! I obviously need to be evened out.

I just miss feeling my spiritual connection with God. I know He's there,  I know we are in Lent...but if it wasn't for Holy Heroes kid videos that come into my inbox daily, I wouldn't be delving in more of the great parts of this season with my kids. I try to model prayer, sacrifice for Lent, being mindful - but honestly, their faith formation is coming from Holy Heroes every other day, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd once a week, our Friday co-op and Sunday Mass. I feel like I'm wasting valuable and precious days of childhood to point my children to their Savior and opportunities to fall in love with Him.

Marriage wise, we are up and down. Not in terms of fighting, but feeling the love. We either are working as a team and on the same page, or we are going through the motions of being married and parents. It depends on the stress level in our day. It takes effort to do our therapy homework. The desert of our marriage is what brings me down the most. I miss the pride I used to have. I miss feeling "normal". But, at the end of the day,
I'm grateful we both have gumption and our 'sticking to it-ness'  toward our marriage. Thank God for the Word and the sacraments! Last month's word, atone, is something we are still working on this month, and I'm sure, next month. We will fulfill our marriage wows. We will.

So, how to make good? How to fulfill this life I've been given? How to redeem what I'm struggling with? First off, I would think admitting where I'm weak is a start. Being honest when I'm not 100%, when I need to let go and take a nap, and to start thinking less about me, and more about others. It's easy for me to become a hermit if I don't have to meet someone or meet a deadline. So...I need to fulfill obligations with a happy heart, a grateful one. I need to make good by falling on my knees....fulfilling that call to prayer. I need to embrace the talents God has given me to SHARE and fulfill that gift, that call, that obligation. I need to play the violin more, sing, read, run, breathe, and in every motion glorify my Creator and bless others.

I need to let God's Word fulfill me. I'm in a 'Romans 8:26 season' and am not praying as I ought, but the Holy Spirit is groaning for me, praying for me, lifting me, interceding for me, filling my weakness.

I need to remember in order to make good, I have to remember I AM good. I am good because I am made in God's image, and he said I was good. I'm good enough because Jesus was sent to pay the price for me...keeping me good. I need to show God my gratefulness and be more faithful to him. That is how I fulfill my purpose. I make good by living FOR God. I fulfill God's promises to me by vanquishing the voices telling me I'm not good, that I'm a failure. That I'm not enough in this current season of struggle for my children.

It takes baby steps. I think I'm overwhelming myself trying to get back on the right path, when it needs to be smaller steps. I know I'll be praying on this in the coming days to see how I can live my life more like a well paced marathon, not a sprint.

So, as I try to make good...to fulfill, I keep in mind my season of Romans, and cling to my Father, my faith, my Savior, my community. I have not lost sight of my blessings. I may be feeling more numb these days, but thank God I still see the the blessings, and know they are there. We have so much to be thankful for. God is fulfilling His promises.

And tonight, I pray on the following. God is go Good. I will make good:

Romans 5: 3-5:
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Amen!

Beautifully Said.

Hey There...is this mic on?

I'm not sure if anyone is reading. I confess, I have not really been on my reader of late. I hope no one has given up on me. I am skimming tonight to catch up with so many of you. Much love to you all. I need to at least blog my 2013 word of the month (from the definition of my 2013 word - Redeem). I need to do that before March 1st lol!

Blogging has become a bit of a burden of late. Here is what I feel when I think about blogging:

~ I feel tired thinking about it.
~ I want to do it, but then thinking about doing it overwhelms me.
~ I feel it will just be another repetitive post.
~ When I do sit down to blog, I feel guilty for spending my time this way.

One of my favorite bloggers/photographers recently posted a gorgeous, honest post that I could identify with on every level. She and I do the same things to feel hope, joy, and to feel alive - take pictures, make memories, etc. She did it so simply, with art and grace. So...do yourself a favor...go read it for her, and for me, and maybe for yourself.

Little House that Grew

And while you are there....enjoy her sense of fashion, decorating, and covet her house. The house they just made a home and how he's being transferred AGAIN to Alaska for the Coast Guard. Keep them in your prayers! I can't wait to keep going on the journey!

And...love those pictures. WOW! I find such joy and hope when people are transparent about their life...the good and the bad. I am so grateful she posted it.

Blessings!

Blessed Candlemas and Feast of the Presentation of our Lord!

So today is the feast of the Presentation of our Lord, also known as Candlemas for the purification of Mary. Yesterday, the co-op class I'm helping organize and lead with the other moms of preK through 1st grade children put on a liturgical feast based on Luke 2: 22-35.

Jesus Presented in the Temple

²² When the time came for the purification rites required by the Law of Moses, Joseph and Mary took him to Jerusalem to present him to the Lord ^{23 2}as it is written in the Law of the Lord, “Every firstborn male is to be consecrated to the Lord”, ²⁴ and to offer a sacrifice in keeping with what is said in the Law of the Lord: “a pair of doves or two young pigeons.”

dove shaped peanut butter sandwiches, candle shaped treats (Candlemas), crepes (like a bundled baby), fruit, and white hot chocolate (white for Mary). Kids also folded napkins into a candle shape for today (Candlemas).

²⁵ Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. ²⁶ It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah.²⁷ Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, ²⁸ Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying:

²⁹ “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised,
    you may now dismiss^[c] your servant in peace.
³⁰ For my eyes have seen your salvation,
³¹     which you have prepared in the sight of all nations:
³² a light for revelation to the Gentiles,
    and the glory of your people Israel.”

³³ The child’s father and mother marveled at what was said about him. ³⁴ Then Simeon blessed them and said to Mary, his mother: “This child is destined to cause the falling and rising of many in Israel, and to be a sign that will be spoken against, ³⁵ so that the thoughts of many hearts will be revealed. And a sword will pierce your own soul too.”

Swords piercing cheese, for Luke 2:35

New International Version (NIV)

I am LOVING this Liturgical Teas and Feast class. I have always wanted to make it a better habit to celebrate the feast days and this class has helped me be more responsible about it. When we last me, we celebrated the Feast of Our Lady of Altagracia. As a class, we work on table setting, table manners, and serving each other. This week the children also made their own sandwiches, cut out the dove shapes, made the candle treats, set the table, folded the napkins this way: Folded Candles. Happy Feast Day! This is a great weekend for bringing faith to life! Yesterday was the Feast of St. Brigid of Ireland (Irish foods!), today is Candlemas/Presentation, and tomorrow is the Feast of St. Blaize - and a good time to be blessed for health - especially if you suffer from colds, sore throats, and other throat ailments! Blessings to you!!!

In the moment

It's rare I can blog in the moment anymore. Gone are the kid-isms where I quickly blog a funny they say. I do it through social networking, but need to remember to put them in a more permanent place, like here.

Today, this moment, is rare. I'm so glad I can. The girls went home with my dad and Gift is asleep (we literally just walked in, and I put him in bed. He was already OUT). But, I NEED to write about my last hour or so.

We had a great homeschool co-op today. In the class I'm now "leading" we celebrated Candlemas (which falls tomorrow) with a liturgical tea which centers around the presentation of baby Jesus in the temple. We also discussed St. Brigid and Blaise since they have their feasts today and this weekend too. It went great! Lovely's class did their Lego STEM class which is totally awesome! After classes were over, the kids all headed outside to play and explore together. The moms got to socialize!

My 89 year old father (so spry in his age!!) had asked if he could come meet the kids at the playground, then take the girls back home for a sleepover. My mom was gone most of today, so this would be fun for him and not be alone (he's a fantastic day driver....perfect record!). He arrived, and we chatted and the kids showed him tricks and such. I was thinking it was actually going well....

(To clarify what I mean about "actually going well." I mean the conversation was around topics that do not dampen the spirit in any way and hijack the conversation without any chance at a do-over. This has happened since I went to college. It happened when I was in high school too, but I assumed that was just normal parenting. For the first 5 years post high school graduation, these stressful conversations centered around my violin playing and musical performance since they had spent so much time and money on me, my mother especially needed to see the passion and the payoff, the post college years were all about my teaching career, my husband's ill health, the fact he'd probably die (in my mom's eyes, which stressed my dad!) and our parenting style and my decision to keep working when they didn't want me to, which caused stress with my husband and them. The next 4 years after that focused on their concern that I now WAS staying home and we were having too many children, etc. Currently, the new focus is our financial failure and the current recovery from such. You'll need to know this later in the post, or this blog. But these topics and when/if they will pop into a conversation and hound me, haunts our time together/)

So yes, right as I thought I could relax and enjoy this time (because I don't really get a chance to ever relax and enjoy my family as a whole sice I'm waiting to go on the defensive)....my sweet father starts asking all sorts of financial questions: "Are you doing this, have you paid ____ back, etc." Now, my father is NEVER the one to hurt me. Other family members do with cutting remarks...and I know he asks to give guidance  feel connected to me or fix mistakes...but I receive it as I failed him again in his expectations and dreams for me. It kills my spirit.

What has caused me to pull away from him when I should not, is how when we hang out, we just can't hang out. He's a product of the Great Depression, and as I've aged - anytime we hang out, he has to talk about politics, economy, stress, my husband, our decisions to have a bigger family, or try to find out about the adult decisions I'm making in my life. He does this with great love, kindness, but makes me feel like a failure every time we talk, because I feel like a screw up daughter who doesn't live life in a pleasing manner to her daddy especially when many times I know he won't like my answers.

(To be clear, I have had to tell "I have this" and change the topic EACH time, and once in a family "discussion"....but the habit returns. Or, the knowledge he can't trust my answers or my family - because when you get dismissed so often, or told "Please don't worry, I'm handling this..." and then the bottom falls out...who can blame him, or my mother, etc. But yes, I have said, and repeat - especially to my mom - "this is not something we wish to discuss with you.". But...it still happens. Everytime. They are older...they are programmed. I have to learn to accept this, not feel like a constant failure. And yes, I told him today we were handling it and have our own schedule for things. He and my mother feel so "dismissed" when I do that. I feel so dishonorable doing so.) 

I'm simply the daughter who wonders how many more years she has with her daddy as he approaches his 90s and wants to savor the time with him, not feel ill, avoid, or procrastinate. I want to hang out with him and talk about my children, future children, homeschooling, what I did that week, my future plans and goals and just be in the moment with those conversation  - not have them analyzed or critiqued or morph into their agenda to ease their worries as my parents.  I miss making them excited with my plans and dreams. I just want to have a single day/time with my parents (dad especially) that does not have me crying alone when we part ways. And yes....as I drove away today, I cried. I mourn he (and my mother) spend as much time being anxious as I do in this recovery process. I mourn for myself that they never could really let me live my own life. I mourn my weakness in giving them power. I mourn a lot of things, but I mourn the time with my dad that is slipping away because I am letting it. I protect myself not going out of my way to see him more, see them more. I wistfully wish for my childhood again...the only time I felt I made them happy and stress free. But...that should not be my burden, and I'm working on it. But...I SO want to please them. I can't tell you the longing there I can't "turn off." We are only promised today, and I so want to make today count, make those around me feel a little taste of God's love and peace and light....and I crave that with my parents too, especially as the years catch up to my parents for this lifetime.

Anyways...that was my afternoon. I made it even better (SARCASM) by helping load the girls in my dad's car, putting my things down in his car as I helped Valiant with a broken jacket zipper, then realizing after our goodbyes my car and house keys were on the floorboard of my DAD'S CAR still. I tried to flag him down in the parking lot because it was an instant discovery on my part, but he was focused on driving. I tried his cell phone 6 times, txted him twice (for the sound the txts make) and then made peace with the idea he would not know until he got home and got my voice mail on their land line.  Blessedly, he found them on the floor after parking his car BEFORE unloading the girls and called me saying:

Dad: "Hey! You won't believe this, but I have your keys!"

Me: Really? Noooooo! LOL!

Dad: "We're on our way back. Why didn't you call my cell phone?"

**crickets**

HA!

He was back in 20 mins...but OH...I felt so guilty making this 89 year old drive....sigh. Strike 58,604 LOL.

Atone

Back when I wrote my Word for 2013, I made a goal to post about one aspect of the word "Redeem" from its definition each month. There were 12 words by divine coincidence. January's word has been Atone. This is an appropriate words, two weeks before the start of Lent.

If you know me well enough, I'm a really joyful person who feels pressure (from my faith? myself? The world?) to redeem my daily errors - to redeem my faults and take responsibility for them. To atone.

I learned this lesson from my dad, who ALWAYS made it a point to atone for his actions, good or flawed when it came to parenting on a given day. He'd come talk to me about what he did right to make sure I understood if I thought it was unfair, and he would apologize if he lost his temper with me, or did not meet his  personal standard...whatever that was. I can't tell you how much that meant to me. I never got such explanations from my mom, and I guess that is why I do what I do now. I strive to redeem myself. I strive to apologize. I don't ever think anyone is perfect, no a situation one sided. There are ALWAYS two sides, two perspectives (or more). Atonement seems to be something I breath like a mantra.

Where I struggle is being simple about atonement.  For whatever reason, I feel I must talk out my atonements, or email at length about them, and I used to feel this was normal (or dare I say, noble) until I started to get comments "We really are ok. Don't send one of your 'ViolinMama emails'."  That gave me pause. I'm famous for atoning? I'm still not sure how I feel about that, but it makes me wonder what to do about it. Atonement can be attached to insecurity. Maybe I'm looking for forgiveness, not just lip service that things are "ok"?

So, how do we strike a balance and keep atonement pure? I guess for once thing, I need to keep in mind that Jesus did not ask my to apologize 77x7 times, just FORGIVE 77x7 - hahah. Secondly, I need to keep in mind that my apology is enough, even if they don't acknowledge my apology in the way that makes it clear for my heart . I'll have to trust I don't need their reassurances. Forgiving me is on them, though I know personally what a gift that is to be given, and we are called to do it. I can only atone for what I did...it's all I can do to redeem.

My marriage is still atoning for the mistakes of the past. I don't feel it is redeemed yet. I have to daily forgive my husband for what happened to us, and the struggles we still currently have to improve. I struggle with his ways of atoning for his part - is he really getting it? Am I really forgiving him, or resenting him? When the sun rises in the morning, I feel redeemed, with forgiveness granted.....but when the sun sets, I feel I am wanting his atonement before bedtime. Redemption becomes a daily cycle, 'on repeat' until we get it right. I'm praying this year of living our word - Redeem - becomes a healing balm that did not come in 2012.

So, these are my January thoughts for 'atone'. May this bring me one step closer in this 12 step year to 'redeem'.

Biased...but....

Lovely's gone and done it again, making me choke up with her latest sculpture in art class. Her teacher tells me that Lovely is her "deep thinker."

Lovely told me the little blanket is supposed to be revealing the gender...hehe!

Presenting Lovely's sculpture: Pregnant Mommy and Big Toddler Sister

I just love how this *biased* mom feel like her sculptures have living energy. They just feel alive. Even expressionless, you know what they are expressing!! In this piece, you just feel the love, tenderness, and excitement.

I'm SO blessed to have Lovely on loan from God for a while. I am so blessed. I just love her sweet heart and soul.

I can understand.

I can understand the fear.

I can understand the shame. 

I can understand the pressure.

I grew up, where when I hit puberty, someone in my family made it VERY clear that if I was ever to get pregnant - this person would pack my suitcase for me and leave it on the front steps. A person who, while I was young, focused on the shame when "it" happened to other people. Their unmarried status. Their growing figure. How limited their life will be now. A person who would talk about easily this could have been prevented by abstaining or by 'making it go away' because this person had grown up poor with many mouths to feed and "no one deserves that". A person who talked about another relative who had adopted twice and both of those beloved adopted children grew into a life of drugs and trouble.

So, honestly, my abstaining from sex in high school was mostly built on the fear of being expelled from my home, the shame of others knowing what I had done if I did, and pressure of how wrecked my life would be if I raised a baby while I was still a baby or how mixed up my child would be if they were adopted.

Nope, it was not so much the beauty of waiting till you met the man you saved yourself for, that you would take vows with, etc. It was never mentioned how RARE, courageous and heartbreakingly heroic it would be to actually carry a baby to term and then give it up to be adopted if I choose to not wait for marriage. I never even got a safe sex talk. My birth control was fear, shame, and pressure. And, those things are not 98% effective at preventing pregnancy but, I can state with 98% certainty I would have sought an abortion first before feeling I could come to this person for guidance.

So while I don't know how I would have really felt, or what I would have chosen to do (I'd like to think I would choose life, but I sometimes really wonder), I can understand. 

Before I continue, I can't imagine how scary and hard it must be to have raise children and teenagers to adulthood with the best possible start. Can I really fault an anxious loved one who was probably so scared of something happening to a child they so desperately loved that they did what they thought was best to ensure the best life possible? As a mother myself, I lay awake at night wondering how would we survive if Lovely, Valiant, Gift or future children developed a terrible drug or alcohol addiction. How do I raise them to wait for marriage when I know the intoxicating power of true love and lust when you are in a wonderful relationship that can lead to marriage? I worry about these things as much as I do teen driving, sexual predators, and childhood diseases. How do I have those talks with my kids? So, I write this knowing that this loved one did what they did out of the love of being a parent. I do know that.

But, I can understand.

When you simply want acceptance, when you crave unconditional love in a conditional world, and appearance is everything -  fear, shame, and pressure can lead to secret keeping, concealing, and that there is only "one" option to "fix" everything.

My becoming married didn't stop this understanding. This same person has made it clear that having multiple children is a weight. While one grandchild per couple has been welcomed with the fatted calf, I somehow have become the only child to go on to have more, and be open to more, and those children have been welcomed with indifference until their birth, or with venomous reaction based on their prejudiced feelings until birth. I am the only to embrace NFP and I have to confess, I battle anxiety at times during my cycle because of the lack of support I would feel and get from certain family, and many friends for a surprise blessing. I am a married woman, and yet I feel fear, shame, and pressure constantly. I can understand. 

I shouldn't let others think for me, or impact me in such a way (I'm working on this), but I can't express enough how those feelings from puberty have permeated my married life. Yoke that to our current struggles, and the temptation to listen to the world and embrace birth control over family planning has been hard to resist. It sounds so much more acceptable and sympathetic and, dare I say, 'responsible' to tell people your birth control failed than "We use NFP." That has GOT to change. It is never a failure when new life is created. It is NEVER a failure. We have got to change our vocabulary and our feelings. To get sympathy for a hormone failing and being blamed for using "that NFP business" for a surprise blessing shows how warped our society has become. So yes, I can understand.

I can understand why abortion is viewed as a needed option. I can understand it can feel like the only option. When a clinic gives more compassion to a fearful, shamed, and pressured girl than those who are called to champion life do, I can understand why it is available. When "pro-lifers" choose to destroy the dignity of the mother by judging the pregnancy, judging her soul, the choice to walk around pregnant for 9 months alone while they stare and gossip,  I can understand why adoption seems to be the horrific option ("She gave it away..."). Why would you put yourself in that position after the fear, shame, and pressure? Shame on us for allowing that to perpetuate. I can understand the great divide between pro-choice and pro-life when I know 99% of those that are pro-choice do not think they are pro-death - they want to protect women, give excellent and free care, etc when "pro-lifers" carry terribly violent signs and dress as the Grim Reaper (BTW, FANTASTIC article on this by Simcha Fisher here on this topic). I can understand.

I don't have any idea what it is liked to face pregnancy after rape, the rationalizations for morning after pills, or face a surprise pregnancy outside of marriage. I can understand the temptation to use abortion as birth control.  But, with the shortage of domestic adoptions leaving infertile couples or families called to enlarge their families through adoption with empty, aching arms, 1/3 of all African Americans killed through abortion in the last 30 years of the 40 year legal history, and 1.2 million deaths of God's precious souls on earth each year - I KNOW we have to start changing our lingo from ending an unwanted pregnancy to supporting an unplanned pregnancy. We have to support those heroes choosing adoption. We have to keep supporting medical advances that are proving what we didn't concretely know in 1973 - how LIFE really starts at conception. I've been astounded at what I've learned through friends going through IVF  - IVF doctors know gender at cell division before implantation! So, how then is it not human?  We've come so far since 1973 and back alley abortions. Surely we can do more to SUPPORT now than terminate? That, I can understand. That I can pray for.

We can't end there. There are two victims during an abortion procedure - the child AND the mother. The fathers also face great loss. We need to do more in post abortion healing. We need to remind them of their dignity in a "pro-life world" of damnation and judgement. They are beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made, and so valued. Who ever WANTS an abortion? How is it the first choice on someone's list? Compassion and love are needed in heaps for healing for these precious souls. How can we forsake them?

So, until prayer and answers come, I can understand I need to march. I need to march for life, if not with my feet than with my heart. I need to speak up on days like today. We need dialogue, not debate. My family usually marches together, though we took off last year after I had a confrontation the year before with a marcher because they had a violent sign and was nervous about Lovely seeing it. Other than that one sign that one year, the silent, prayerful walk had always felt like a safe way to show our support and civic participation for our children (be a part of peaceful change). Our eldest knows we walk for babies that have not gotten to stay in the womb till birth, and that has sufficed for her and her sister. But this year, Lovely returned (the little ones and I could not attend). I knew she would be with a safe group, and DC tends to get the more violent signs than our state's walk. But, it made me VERY nervous when Lovely asked me if she could make a sign to carry (My thoughts..."Oh no! She has noticed the signs!! What do I say????"). I told her yes, and she made the following "sign":

Pretty amazing and touching image, don't you think?

I told her "Oh, Lovely! What a BEAUTIFUL picture of Mary and Baby Jesus!!!! I love all of it!!" to which Lovely replied, "It's not Baby Jesus, it's Mary with one of the babies."

Stunned, choked up silence. 

I'd say she pretty much sums it up correctly. 

My daughter makes a sign to march with, that depicts Mary truly being "our mother". Mary, in her glory and strength, will love and hold these precious souls that have gone back to God. Mary does so with love, grace,  loving arms, and a SMILE of forgiveness and acceptance. I would hope a mother or father who suffer post their abortion procedure days or years later can look at Mary's face and see the love radiating back at them that HEALS. She wears green - a lush color of LIFE and growth. I can't help but think the rainbow is a depiction of the biblical promise of Gen 9:15 "I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life".

March on, sweet love, march on.

I pray we can live up to the covenant too, even if it only seeing these lost souls as citizens that deserve civil rights in a secular sense, if we can't be united in the eyes of God and see life made in His image.

I can understand.

Can you understand me?