To make good {fulfill]

I'm going to post date this for February, to make this count for my "Word of 2013 - Redeem" series. I'm breaking down the definition into the 12 parts in Webster to actually study the word better, and hold myself accountable to it each month.

I'm really sorry for the lack of posts here. I wonder if I have any readers left. I see some of you often (Kris, talk to S a lot, and some on FB) and others of you I try to read your blogs when I can (Karen, Blair, Mary, Maria, Kate, etc) but I've had so little drive to come here and blog anything.

So let's talk about finding a way to make good, to "fulfull" in the quest to redeem.

When you see me each day...I'm cheerful, EXCITED to be out of the condo, with you at school, jogging, etc. But at home...I'm pretty much a bump on a log. I homeschool and then my energy is gone. I have to remind myself to be present for my kids. I was trying to avoid using our insurance to get some medication to try (didn't want it on my record) but, after being pointed in another direction by a friend's therapist she had recommended, I am thinking after this week I need to not wait any more. Interestingly, I noticed that I get the darkest when I'm done ovulating in my cycle on my chart. While still living in quicksand during my fertile part of my cycle, I'm still more upbeat, fall asleep with less thoughts detracting me, etc. The moment I'm in my 3 days post O - I wake up feeling impending doom, go to sleep feeling impending doom, and am tempted to eat my feelings "away". Thankfully, I have great friends getting me out, helping me workout, and I'm hoping to see the scale decrease and my energy increase. Thank GOD I'm a positive person....infectiously so (a gift FROM Him). I think that tank is what keeps me going. It's totally situational, part chemical...not total clinical. If I wait to make a call to see a doctor and my cycle starts over....I'm less inclined to make the call. Then days like today hit, and I'm mad I haven't called sooner! I obviously need to be evened out.

I just miss feeling my spiritual connection with God. I know He's there,  I know we are in Lent...but if it wasn't for Holy Heroes kid videos that come into my inbox daily, I wouldn't be delving in more of the great parts of this season with my kids. I try to model prayer, sacrifice for Lent, being mindful - but honestly, their faith formation is coming from Holy Heroes every other day, Catechesis of the Good Shepherd once a week, our Friday co-op and Sunday Mass. I feel like I'm wasting valuable and precious days of childhood to point my children to their Savior and opportunities to fall in love with Him.

Marriage wise, we are up and down. Not in terms of fighting, but feeling the love. We either are working as a team and on the same page, or we are going through the motions of being married and parents. It depends on the stress level in our day. It takes effort to do our therapy homework. The desert of our marriage is what brings me down the most. I miss the pride I used to have. I miss feeling "normal". But, at the end of the day,
I'm grateful we both have gumption and our 'sticking to it-ness'  toward our marriage. Thank God for the Word and the sacraments! Last month's word, atone, is something we are still working on this month, and I'm sure, next month. We will fulfill our marriage wows. We will.

So, how to make good? How to fulfill this life I've been given? How to redeem what I'm struggling with? First off, I would think admitting where I'm weak is a start. Being honest when I'm not 100%, when I need to let go and take a nap, and to start thinking less about me, and more about others. It's easy for me to become a hermit if I don't have to meet someone or meet a deadline. So...I need to fulfill obligations with a happy heart, a grateful one. I need to make good by falling on my knees....fulfilling that call to prayer. I need to embrace the talents God has given me to SHARE and fulfill that gift, that call, that obligation. I need to play the violin more, sing, read, run, breathe, and in every motion glorify my Creator and bless others.

I need to let God's Word fulfill me. I'm in a 'Romans 8:26 season' and am not praying as I ought, but the Holy Spirit is groaning for me, praying for me, lifting me, interceding for me, filling my weakness.

I need to remember in order to make good, I have to remember I AM good. I am good because I am made in God's image, and he said I was good. I'm good enough because Jesus was sent to pay the price for me...keeping me good. I need to show God my gratefulness and be more faithful to him. That is how I fulfill my purpose. I make good by living FOR God. I fulfill God's promises to me by vanquishing the voices telling me I'm not good, that I'm a failure. That I'm not enough in this current season of struggle for my children.

It takes baby steps. I think I'm overwhelming myself trying to get back on the right path, when it needs to be smaller steps. I know I'll be praying on this in the coming days to see how I can live my life more like a well paced marathon, not a sprint.

So, as I try to make good...to fulfill, I keep in mind my season of Romans, and cling to my Father, my faith, my Savior, my community. I have not lost sight of my blessings. I may be feeling more numb these days, but thank God I still see the the blessings, and know they are there. We have so much to be thankful for. God is fulfilling His promises.

And tonight, I pray on the following. God is go Good. I will make good:

Romans 5: 3-5:
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

Amen!