I need...

a vacation on a deserted island. Just me for a few days with some rum.  Then, my family will be allowed to join me for a few weeks. Then, the kids can go stay with family members, and Hubby and I can just have needed couple time. Then he can head back to work, and I might just stay on my island...I need some retreat time. Prayer time. And more rum....

More on my "Lost" Pride.

So, I posted the other day on being sad about my lost pride.

In talking about this, a point was brought up that I probably felt a loss of pride in my husband because others had (my immediate family). This was an excellent point that I could understand this person saw - but it was a rare moment of being wrong for them (*wink!*). It made me realize I had more to blog about to help myself, and others (including my husband who reads this blog and gives me his blessing on each post) understand my battle to be proud of him again.

While it is true I have some very strong extended family influences who don't like my husband currently for what he "did" to us - those influences have ALWAYS felt that way since we were married about 2 years. These family members loved him while we dated, and in the newly wedded stage. But, things started to go downhill after a couple of years of marriage. Some of my family didn't respect him because he didn't seem to be able to want or could provide a life of luxury in the corporate world (this was a joint decision on our parts!). I spent 8 years defending him at family gatherings or private discussions. In those 8 years, their words never had me feel any lack of pride in him, or our choices and goals for our family - be ever so modest as they are. In fact, lately I have spent ALL of the time defending him and the decision to stay married to him to them since the fallout in September. If I have a grievance with him, I don't tell the family members I can't trust or are too close to us to stay level headed. It just is not wise (is it ever?). So, I save it for the family members who can handle it, or our dearest friends.

About our dearest friends  - my husband has not lost any respect with them. I can't tell you the blessing of having so many people stand with him when it all came out. Certain family members made it real clear that  "MY" friends were the ones who came to pack us, shelter us, feed us, and move us. In reality - it was mostly OUR friends and his friends. Our male friends reached out to me to give a male perspective on how this could have happened so I would understand better and perhaps forgive him faster. The men in our lives "got it" - got how this could happen, while many of the females in our lives were left utterly confused and angry. No one excused my husband for it - but they understood how he dropped the ball and hid all his juggling. These people  - our friends, church and community, have never stopped caring or see him as less of a man. They are still proud of him. They are proud we are fighting for marriage. He is highly respected at work. He is an AMAZING hands on dad.

What I was trying to blog about in that post, was the fact that I'm struggling with feeling that romantic pride most wives feel. In some regards we are NOW dedicated, married roommates - trying to find each other attractive and flirty and all that stuff AGAIN. As we struggle (and this is a two was street, I'm sure my lack of pride translates to him and isn't a big turn on in the "dating department") I find myself seeing other people's marriages as pedestal worthy (when, I'm sure that I'm over romanticizing them..lol) and start to covet the actions I see sweet husbands doing for their wives - or how proud the women are around their husbands - witty/sweet banter, PDA, glances, etc. We ARE dating. We had never dated well once the kids were born so we are now making this our first priority -  getting out often for couple time. But we find ourselves very quiet while eating dinner, etc. I will say, this is when dialoguing (the technique from Retrouvaille) comes in REALLY handy, since it opens the door to communicating. I just covet the seemingly effortless marital dynamics from other couples. They just seem to have solid pride in each other....and I feel we (I) lack that. That was what I was trying to say in my last post. No one is coloring my view of Hubby - I just don't know how to word it. Maybe pride is the wrong word?

Maybe I just miss being a uncomplicated newlywed? And since this really broke us open, I miss how easy it is to just fall into his arms? Maybe he's still feeling shame and has a hard time opening his arms to me? Maybe it is less about pride and more about being able to trust?

I hope this clarified...I'm sorry I confused people with that post. It's hard to word complicated and FOREIGN feelings.

Much love, and thanks for the comments and prayers. I'm incredibly blessed - not just being married to a GOOD man, but being supported by an amazing body of Christ out there!

And...to you reading...thanks for loving and being proud of my husband. That carries him, and me. What a delight and a saving grace. THANK YOU!!!

I am better already.

It's amazing...

...how really worshiping in Mass helped my soul restart the journey 'to better' today.

... how writing is a release.

...how writing a letter of gratitude instead of dry humor can clear a foggy mirror.

...how fitting into an outfit for Mass I previously could not made me feel good!

...how flying kites with my family today fed my soul, and the wind helped blow away many of the cobwebs I had inside of it!

...how a four hour (!!!) nap does WONDERS for reclaiming one's emotional compass.

...how having a God given gift take you out for a surprise mani/pedi boosts your self-worth.

...how having your best friends drop everything and pray for you for over 24 hours. Wow. Wow...

...how big you smile you receive a very belated birthday gift that is just hysterically perfect, and came on the perfect day.

...how God's timing is always perfect (why don't I remember that??). Especially in the above happening this weekend.

What's amazing in your life?

Let's go fly a kite!

My surprise mani (pedi pics to come lol)!

Are these glasses not a RIOT??!! Mason Jar wine glasses!

CHEERS with my fancy mani/pedi and wine glasses! Bottoms up!

Thank YOU for your prayers and your patience, and encouragement. Thank you!

Sarcasm

Just a warning - this post may not make sense. I'm just writing to process about something I don't want to be too public about. In essence, it is about the price of sarcasm. When I'm stressed, I jest. It's a coping mechanism. And honestly, it works for me - if you can laugh about a situation, all of the sudden it is not overwhelming anymore. The load is a little lighter.

If you've been reading since Easter, I'm in one of the more stressful spirals again. Things were really "up" since Retrouvaille started in late January. But, since Easter, I'm obviously in a bit of a funk (yes, I'm getting help for that too). I'm trying to use humor and sarcasm to deal with:

A) The HEALING of my marriage.
B) The now current lack of job promotion directions for Hubby.
C) Discernment on moving to someplace in our area versus out of state.
D) Some interesting new neighbors.
E) Who I can talk to about all this, without tiring them out or pushing them away.

Tonight - my sarcasm and coping went awry. I'm not really sure what happened - it happened so fast. But I think I ended up hurting someone else rather than helping myself. And, what is heavy on my heart tonight is I think I've been doing it for months without realizing it. And, now that I do know - I am not in a good place tonight. I feel terrible, and I pray for forgiveness, but I'm afraid to bring it up since (if this makes ANY sense) I think I'm hurting more than the other party is by my actions. What was pointed out was done calmly and probably with little dramatic thought. So, I'm not really wanting to put more focus on it. So, I'm choosing to process some here, and then letting it pass. The bottom line is that it was all meant WELL I believe. In fact, it was a courageous move by one person to protect another from stress. I wish more people were like that in taking care of each other. I found myself, with all the emotions I felt in the moment, a bit jealous of that protection.

I also found myself feeling as much hurt as I felt apologetic for my 'not thinking' for months. I also am feeling confused. Confused in how I should live my life during this test of character and faith. I'm trying to figure out how to deal, how to be authentic, real, and honest when so often I want to build a wall of cheer and faith. Yet...that honesty can be too much for people (perhaps this is why I use humor or sarcasm to smooth things over?). One of my biggest fears is driving loved ones away. While I know I did not do that tonight (what a blessing!!), the method and words chosen to translate their feelings to me stung. I was shocked as much as saddened. I felt guilty for my hot tears of anger as well as my hot tears of shame. In their action to end stress, I got VERY stressed (ironic). It all seemed unfair....here I'm in the most stressful time of my life in the months following September 2011 and I'm told (gently!) that I need to not cause stress! Ouch!! Humbling. But, don't we all need to be humbled?

All of this CAN be a fantastic lesson in the making in that I can make myself more aware of the need to watch what I say, listen more than talk, and work on turning to God more than turning to people. I can't keep leaning on others too much or I could just break them. The only One who can really handle my pain (next to a professional, ha!) is God. I HAVE to remember that. I also need to remember that while I can't help my feelings, I can help my reaction. I can choose to process this learning experience, and then let it go. I am bad about the letting go part - but I am hoping to use this experience to work on improving in that area. I also need to choose to accept the fact that most likely, they have not thought about this for hours like I have, as SURPRISE (sarcasm!), the world just isn't all about me! I think God also wants me to see what amazing, AMAZING, people He has put in my family's life that feel safe enough to be honest towards me, as well as love me. It sometimes feels like a delicate dance, but the dance is a gift. I just have to keep practicing to get my moves right.

Seriously...you know what was the biggest joke tonight? In clicking into Blogger to make this post - I found they changed EVERYTHING. I have no idea if I'm even posting this correctly. The one post where I come to process a joke gone wrong...and I find the joke's on me! Har Har Har.

Did I mention the title of this post is called "Sarcasm"? Cause I could barely find where the title entry bar was. Niiiiiiiiicccceee. Any delusions I had about becoming a published writer one day just went out the window with my technical skills. I need to put the potted plant back in the space on my mantle I emptied for my Pulitzer. Wait, I don't have a mantle anymore because.................  .

Yes, this post isn't sarcastic at all. *Wink*.

Bragging

This should really go on my homeschooling blog (see link on sidebar), but I just felt like bragging.

I just picked up Lovely from art class, and look at what she created this week, and last week. It is a mother mermaid, nursing her baby while her daughter looks on.

I swear, it just flows and has life! I adore it. What a treasure. I teared up. The nursing is just so tender! And I love how the mother and daughter's "eyes" meet...or seem to!

Sorry...I just had to brag!!! :) Much love!!!

Pride

I am SO thankful for Retrouvaille. It really helped to recover our marriage (Like they say, we'll always be in recovery with our marriage) since everything came out to me in September. We have such great tools to rebuild, rediscover, and strengthen our marriage.

But, I'm still missing something. I'm missing pride. I see my friends walking around with such pride of their husbands. I sit at church and judge that so many of the women in my parish have secure and wonderful husbands. I say "judge" because that is a perceived judgement - not a fact! But, it is is interesting how many temptations arise (temptation to leave, separate, or even divorce so you can find someone to be "romantic" with again) when you don't feel proud of your spouse. I realize pretty fast that I have MY work cut out for me so I don't spend my time coveting other people's marriages. This lack of pride in my husband can get dangerous pretty fast if I don't work (and do the work) at rebuilding us, trusting him, and let him know I am proud of him. Men, especially men who are the main providers, need to know we are proud of them. It matches the woman's typical need for security. So, I know my lack of pride in my husband translates to him. I try to be honest and dialogue with him on my feelings. Visa versa. But still, I long for feeling proud of my husband again.

I know pride can quickly become a bad thing or sinful. But, I must admit, I miss being proud of my husband. I miss being proud of our marriage. But - I am proud of the hard work we are doing. I know marital pride will come again. We can do this, and much of the work falls on me - not just my teammate for life.

I should add...

because it was not clear enough:

A) Thank you for so many of the private emails checking on me. I appreciate it so much! Thank you all for the comments too!

B) I definitely am battling moderate/situational depression. I forgot to be more clear on a blog, when people who see me daily already know these things. I'm on medication, and getting therapy. I'm really only down when IN our current residence. When I am out and about, I am free and happy. I'm hoping a better residence can become "home" and I'll be less depressed - but I have no idea. So, I have to do the work too, to overcome it.  But of course I've been depressed since September. I also have battled PPD too. When at home, I'm weighed down, and battle those hopeless feelings. That's why getting out is so important. But I wanted to share just how weighed down I feel when at home and why naps can tempt me as an escape.

C)  I just want to post the good, the bad, and the ugly of this journey - especially if it helps anyone else. So often, we only blog the good in our lives - and I want to document all I am feeling and dealing with as I process this huge life change. I'm sorry for not being more clear....but I'm ever so glad at the comments and personal emails of concern. I feel so much less alone!!! I love you dear friends.

D) A few people worried about me feeling judged by them sharing their concern for me. I'm touched!! NO judgement felt! Please post things below - especially when they can help others! Rebuilding a family, finances, and a marriage is overwhelming. I need my village, and I hope I can create a village too. I moderate all comments, so if I am wary of a comment you want to post, I won't post it. I just want this blog to be a place I can really process, and perhaps, help another reader if they need it. I've gotten so many wonderful perspectives privately today. I thank you all!

Thanks for letting me honest, and thanks for also caring about me beyond this blog page. I have so much to pay forward.

Much appreciation, love, and prayers.