Double Edged Sword

Emotions. Heart. Mind. Spirit. What miracles they are to possess as humans. With the gift of emotion, we feel. We can be compassionate. We can be givers. We can appreciate because we can both feel the highest of highs and the lowest of lows and never take life for granted. Having a heart makes us real. It helps us to really see others and ourselves. Just as emotions can make us givers and compassionate, a heart can enable us to receive, or even take, what we need. It allows us to love. It makes us vulnerable. It has the ability to make us unconditional.

The mind may not always agree with the heart - which is a good thing. The mind can be logical, decisive, conscientious. It is free will. The mind can also be very conditional. The mind is functional. It is as limitless as the heart and has so much potential for good - but can also be as limited as it defines itself. The spirit is our soul. You know I believe spirit as in the Spirit and thus is our life's breath and fruit. It is God. It is inspiration. It is faith. It moves us. The spirit compels us. It also lifts us. The drive in our hearts and minds is fed from the spirit. Emotions are born from it. It weaves it all together into our identity and calling. Superhuman actions, strength, and miracles spring forth from us in times of crises because of the Spirit in us. This shows we are not alone, even if we think we are. Even if our bodies are broken, if we are open to the Spirit within us, we can be so much more than our limited, aging, and weakening temporal homes attempt to allow.

What a miracle all four of these aspects of humanity are. How simple, yet complex they are. And when located in my body - quite the double edged sword. I lose my balance and think, or feel, or use, or rely too much on one of them - then trip myself up in the attempts for the others to catch up. Thank God that for me, the loss of balance drives me to my knees and reminds me of my need for a Savior, and how I can't look for other things or people to quench my thirst to fill a void. Anytime I feel unbalanced and cut by the sword, I know what priority needs to be at the top of my list again. It is just so hard to let go of that cross. I get lost in the web of my emotions, heart, and mind. They even detract from the purpose the Spirit lead me in doing in the first place. What first is a God given gift I'm compelled to use becomes an obnoxious flaw that others want to avoid, thus pulling them away rather than being bothered. I try to change, feel I grow toward change, only to fall a second and third time (or more).

My big mouth often gets adhered to my heart and emotions and my words and actions reflect a Spirit inspired movement - but so often I don't let my mind weigh in and rethink or soften my response. I then do things for others I over worry about later. I worry about being perceived as people pleasing rather than simply giving of my heart - which I feel is something I am called to do. I worry though in that calling I say too much, or do too much. Or, I see my flaws and want to fix them, forgetting that I'm in a flawed world surrounded by flawed people doing the same things I do. My gifts of emotion, heart, and mind trip all over each other and I can't take another step. I stumble in weakness to my knees needing to draw from that inner Spirit. I need its fruits. I need discernment on when to say yes, and when to say no. I need to remember I need to foster the same spirit in my family, not just for my friends and community. Some friends simply have become family that lines blur. Unconditional love is what makes a family. Unconditional is what comes from above. Unconditional is when emotions, heart, mind, and the spirit work together. United, they also forgive. I thank others for forgiving me for my mouth, insecurities, my "too muchness." I work daily on letting go of my flaws, and forgiving the mistakes of others who have hurt me.

I just wish forgiving myself was easier. I feel I'm almost way to unconditional on others than myself. I wish letting go and letting God was easier; that change was easier.

Emotions. Heart. Mind. Spirit.

What a double edged sword.