Yen and Yang

So, even with lots of hope and faith - this flawed world of mine can just stink. Today was a really cruddy day.

Marriage is not for the faint of heart.

Goodnight.

From a friend...

I got a response to my post from the day before yesterday from someone completely dear to my heart. It was sent to me versus posted, so it started a conversation. I was sharing that I was grateful I could be real and process my feelings while still trying to be respectful to my husband's feelings and I told her I was worried that blogging about our story would color him badly - because he is a good guy who made a big mistake, and I had my own role in that too.

She said something in response to my concern (remember how I wrote everyone has been so compassionate to my husband that knows the real story) that made me cry, and something she told me to really think about and tell my husband. It was:

"But ViolinMama, let me tell you... I know he is good because of you. Because of how you speak of him and love him. Let that sink in, because that should speak volumes for both of you."

I am speechless over both the generosity of that statement, and the truth in it. It is also such a helpful statement because when judgement or resentment want to creep in - it reminds me how good we ALL are, because God loves us. He forgives us every time we screw up. I am good because God is good. My husband is good because God loves him. I need to remember that when I let the hurt well up, and know that he, and myself, are more than our errors. 

The challenge is to keep going and make a change...commit to change. It is one thing to say "I can do better and I will do better." - it is another thing to live out the doing. That is where he is now, and me too.

Thank you, dear, wise, friend. I am good because of you too. All of you. I wish you a GOOD day today. 

Much love....humbly.

Something Upbeat

How bout a little recap from the last few months?

September gave us an 8 year old!!! Lovely, my original baby, grew another year older!! She wanted "arrrgh-uably" the most fun of birthday parties - A Pirate Party at a local playground with a pirate theme.

Complete with as many close friends who were able to come - some from a state away!

 

A fine spread of yummy snacks and treasure map cake!!

A happy little brother....

and a little sister and good friends to share the feast....

Make a wish!!!

Eat some cake...(or, a LOT of cake...)

Even Mommy got to see friends...

And Lovely got her birthday wish...

Teddy the Hamster!!! Welcome to the family!!!

This was such a high point of September. Dearest Lovely, we adore you. Simply. Your giggles, smile, generous spirit, sweet innocence, love of faith, and imagination make our days complete. We love you, and thank God for you every day.

Isn't she Lovely? :)

NaBloPoMo

Well - it is National Blog Posting Month (NaBloPoMo). It is when many bloggers attempt to post every day (posts or pictures, or both) in celebration of the creation of blogs! As you can tell, I have not been around much since school started, and then our move and my husband's sickness. So, I am hoping to try and do something every day so I keep a family record, and get back in the habit. Plus, writing is great when you are processing things!

We are finally passed survival mode. We are settling into our new life, but wow - there is so much debt with it along with all the emotional fall out. With my Hubby getting sick and having emergency surgery, we had to go on disability which has been slow to pay. It just mounts up and gets us further behind.  All I will say here, with HIS permission - is while there are things that hindsight has proven 20/20, and things I sensed or felt, or things I should have done - my husband did a very good job protecting me and the family from the sadness and fear of foreclosure. Especially since I do much of the daily finances. While he was trying to protect us, and handle the burden alone for his young family, the fall out from all this is that my marriage has much healing to do. Losing everything material in this world can affect relationships more than I ever dreamed it would, and more than I ever thought it SHOULD. Couple that with the realization we were not functioning as a team, I was kept in the dark, and he used smoke and mirrors when I suspected "something" was up, and I feel completely knocked down, lonely, and betrayed.

What I thought was a small cooling in our marriage (10 years - normal, I thought, for the "newness" to wear off with young kids. pregnancies, and babies and totally common) the last few years that led to more effort to get on dates, be together, etc - more effort than I thought should have been there - is attributed to him being weighed down by his stress and secret battles to keep us housed. He was distracted, tired, worried, and pulled away, in his reasoning, to protect me from what was going on. I have MUCH compassion for him to have carried such a burden, but I'm struggling with the weight of the lies.

That said, again, with his permission, there is a silver lining. One, I know (and will seek to find out how exactly) I was part of this problem. My issues with anxiety I know stemmed from what I sensed going on in our home (that I attributed to general anxiety coupled with PPD) could have made me seem a weak partner - one he assumed he could not tell or I would fly off the handle, etc. I need to take responsibility for not following up more on my feelings. I wanted to be a homeschooling mom, and willing to do anything to make that happen - but I should have questioned our budget more, called more numbers to check on anything I wondered about, etc. I should have branched out in my roles and been more aware of things. You can now bet I'm making sure we are a team now to figure out this mess we are in - even more of the boss of this train than partner (is that good, or bad?). I need to make sure our kids are safe and our family has a place to land on our feet and call a home as we figure things out. I have to make sure we can pay off our debts, rent, and other items that racked up before, and after, the move.  Because I can admit I was part of the problem, I am committed to figuring out how to improve myself as a partner so he doesn't feel like he has to hide things from me.  Obviously, he has a host of things to work on too!

I mentioned above there is more of a silver lining. Well - that is our faith and commitment. We took vows in 2001 that we take seriously. We may have been flawed when making them, and are flawed living them out daily - but we won't walk away from them. We will battle this through. We will work together, start couples therapy, and own up to our situation. While I have great compassion for what my husband felt, I have lots to process and forgive. I don't forgive easily...it is a daily thing for me to let go, and not let resentment take hold. It's easy for me right now to play the blame game. I need to remember to remove the log in my eye before hassling about the speck in another's eye. That is VERY easy to type, and a whole other thing to live. Also, there is a fine line I have to find between holding one accountable for what has happened so it won't happen again, and moving forward. I will need help figuring that out, and will get help to figure that out.

We are blessed with so much in this situation - especially with family and friends. Everyone has been so giving to my husband, gracious, loving, accepting, and supportive. What a gift! And, where do I start in how people have supported me and the kids? Wow. That is more for another day.

I don't know how people survive life's low moments without faith. In all the BAD and SAD of the past few months, there is so much GOD. He provided friends to assist me THE MOMENT my world collapsed, to provide a condo to rent, to still love us, pack us, move us, feed us, give to us, clothe us, and listen to me....God is in every moment, and I see Him REDEEMING this situation. I still say "Why NOT us?" Instead of "Why me??!" in the tough moments. God is showing His love, and is with us every step of the way. God IS Good. I wish all people could see God in the bad - what comfort there is when you can feel and see that grace.

Well, this rambled. I'm sure I'll be rambling a lot this month and beyond. I am sure my feelings and perspective will change - one step forward, 3 steps back. But, to close - Much love, Happy November, and I'm grateful this month for so much - I'm glad it is the month of Thanksgiving.

P.S. - For a dose of CUTE - see the below entry!!

Much love!!!

Halloween Recap

Well, Happy Belated Halloween, but Happy All Souls Day!!

I proudly present our family's Two Princesses and a Frog:

 

We have Princess Cinderella, Princess Rapunzel (after her hair was cut off) and our Frog Prince

And, of COURSE princesses need to kiss their frog.....even if for some reason the fairy tale changed, and the frog was resistant...

Still....so CUTE!!

The kids had a blast. We went back to our old neighborhood to trick or treat with our close friends. We even parked in our old driveway! The kids had a blast being together with their friends, and still were happy to come back home to our condo and be excited to enjoy our traditional family night on Halloween - homemade pizza, breadsticks, some trick or treating loot, and Halloween TV specials. It was a great, GREAT evening. Our family really needed a FUN, stress free evening.

I love our children....so much. What gifts from God they are!!

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

(Singing) "Are You Lonesome, Tonight?"

Spiritually, I feel very full and uplifted.

Emotionally, I feel lonely.

How is that possible to feel both at the same time?

I guess it comes down to the fact God is Good all the time, and the world isn't good all the time.

Sigh.

Rollercoaster Ride

I don't have much energy to type, but I could use some prayers. One of the reason I have fallen away from blogging is because of home schooling. I have so many things I want to record here! One day I will catch up.

I have two other reasons too. Two things I need prayers over.

1) We lost our house. Those words alone are hard enough to write. I will say it surprised me, and thankfully God worked His best to redeem a situation I still am grieving, but accepting.

2) My husband has fallen ill. He was rushed to the ER Monday, and was in surgery Tuesday. He had an intestinal blockage, LARGE hernia, and it was also discovered the lining INSIDE the abdomen that keeps our organs in formation was damaged beyond repair (from hernia). So, they gave him a pig skin transplant for new lining. They also had to completely redo his stoma. They created a new one on the opposite side of his abdomen, and had to rebuild the previous stoma location, muscle, and use pig skin to rebuild the lining. It was supposed to be a routine 2 hour surgery....that went 4.5 hours. He is still in the hospital. Not sure when he is released - no earlier than this coming Monday.

Thank you for your prayers. I promise you, while I feel many things about our recent trials, I do feel peace. God has been with us every step of the way - from providing a home we could move into to immediately (I learned we lost our house 2 weeks ago today, and was told we had to be out by the following Monday morning. We had a place to immediately go that we can all our own and rebuild from. We had 20 of our friends and family come move us immediately too, provide child care, food, etc) and prayerfully support us with great love and compassion. Hubby got sick AFTER the move. Think of what would have happened if we had to move now, while he was sick? God is Good! Then, right when our community of friends and family thought all was calm after our move, Hubby got sick, and everyone jumped back in - taking our kids again at night so I could be at the hospital, driving them to preschool, feeding them, etc. God's hands and feet personified. I don't know what I can say that can describe the beauty in this rutted period of time.I'm not sure how I can pay everyone back. I know I will be paying this forward....

I'll try to update more as I can. I'm at the hospital a lot, doing the night shift at the hospital with my husband, taking care of the kids during the day and trying to home school, unpack, and create routine for my children to feel safe in. I am tired, no lie. Sometimes I feel resentful I'm in these circumstances (this happens to other people, not me...right?) But, I am positive and saying "Why NOT us." instead of "Why us!".  Plus, I've never seen God so at work in our lives, more miracles, and more redeeming of broken situations. It's pretty amazing actually. When I feel too tired to keep going, simply pondering these things in my heart renews me to keep going.

Bear with me. Pray for me. I know I'll be processing here as I can. I'll update on Hubby's condition as things progress. Thanks for the prayers.

Much Love!