Crosses

It was funny. I was walking to my bed to take a nap, and as I was complaining to myself about not being able to breathe, again, even with Claritin D, and frustrated my Dr. couldn't see a bigger problem and sent me home, and how I'm not sleeping well again or napping well and yada yada yada I tried to snap myself out of it by saying this was a SMALL cross to deal with. I'm so lucky, as it could be worse. Yet, why am I complaining so much when I don't complain over bigger crosses. I started thinking....

I think it sometimes is harder to carry a bunch of small crosses, than one big cross. Well, in the case of a fallible human. Sure, my constant sinus issues are one small cross, but it is happening on top of a lot of other crosses going on at the same time - juggling family, carpool, lessons, parenting, activities, prayer, all while pregnant, etc. It's like trying to carry a stuffed, bulky bag. I keep wanting to drop it, and find myself wishing I could grab one huge beam that while I can barely lift it, I could find a way to hold on to it tighter, balance it on my back more, or attract a kind Simon to come and grab a piece with me. Bigger, obvious crosses scream out for surrender to help from others, from God. Smaller "bulk" seems to make me want to just keep doing it on my own...complaining, venting, but little action past that - or faith.

With the smaller crosses, I just can't let go of the control. Our small group talked about how women really feel the need to control and create the space around us to bring us peace, while men can just let that go. While I am an advocate for communication in marriage and for husbands to help us "help them" so to speak (being "wired" a certain way doesn't always fly in my book as an excuse, and I'm blessed with a man who agrees) lol, I also know I need to meet my spouse (or God) halfway and release my control on things. I need to let go a little, have some faith, take some grace, offer my suffering up, tell someone what I need - but man, it is hard with those smaller crosses. I just want to do it all by myself.

So, I'm going to go crawl back into bed now... also I'll try to surrender this frustration at my nose issues, and try to trust that while this small cross is certainly making my load bulky and cumbersome....there is some grace waiting for me to help carry it - even if I fall under the weight more than 3 times....

Maybe say a prayer for me? Thanks...please know praying for you empowers me and makes me feel better. I'm here for you!