"Why I blog" and the "Friday Five!"

To preface this, I've walked away several times, saved as "draft," went to carpool, came home, got kids ready for quiet time, and such lol!!

Right now, as of 11am, I'm taking "me" time. Today is "extended" day for Lovely's preK and I don't have to be in the carpool line as early as usual. Instead I have another hour to sit here at the computer, on my bottom, open the window enough to hear the pouring rain and wind chimes, and just accomplish some things for me. Baby went down for her morning nap, and after "FLYing" around the kitchen and den in a quick pick up/straightening session (not deep cleaning mind you), I have set myself down by the window and have sat here at the computer for about an hour doing whatever the heck I want and not allowing any guilt. In fact, when Baby wakes up, I'll probably let her play on the bed beside me and I'll keep doing this before carpool and "reality" and enjoying her youthful energy and buzzing of her day. I've been looking up info on homeschooling, a website called "Saving Dinner" to see if I want to sign up for their freezer and Crock Pot recipes for a few months, reading blogs, processing pictures, e-mailing friends at work, and doing some meditative reading and thinking about faith (always running in my brain/heart). I could be reading my book club book, but I don't feel like it. I had thought about sewing more, but again.....no desire for some reason when I should take advantage of the "free" time. Oh yeah - the dryer is full of dry clothes. Nope...don't want to touch that either. I'm just listening to the rain in my PJ's, chilling, and even looking forward to naptime/quiet time this afternoon after carpool. Lovely will have eaten at school, so less work for me in the kitchen! We'll get home from carpool, and she'll head up for quiet time, and shortly after, the baby crashes for nap #2. I will embrace and enjoy that today!

(Baby is now awake, and happily playing on my bed).

I was just asked yesterday by possibly the one person I don't know how I've ever lived without lol how the heck I have time to blog, play violin, sew as well as capture and host family moments like picnics, etc and basically it comes down to this:
1) I feel compelled to do something for "me"and my family memory.
2) I type as fast as I talk - these novel entries don't take me long at all.
3) Often I write in a few moments, but save as "draft" and post on another day. Sometimes I'll have "banked" a few entries from those random moments I wrote my heart or brain out which makes for multiple entries.
4) The ages/routines of my children afford me random quiet time throughout the day. Lovely is in school 1/2 days, 5 days a week and naps after lunch or has quiet time. Baby Val naps in the morning and then when Lovely naps, so again - I have a short of 'routine dance' going on.
5) Hubby's work schedule. He works A. LOT. Luckily, from home in the evenings. But, after bedtime - I'm sometimes staying out of his way so I may have time to think and ponder. Again, that is where drafting and saving entries comes in handy.
6) And, I'm not perfect. When I'm trying to get chores done, or having a "me" break - if the kids can't be outside, napping, or reading - we do the TV. Yep....I can admit it. We LOVE movies and shows. All genres, types, classic, silent lol - all types!

Let me revisit #1 - I feel compelled to do something for "me". Selfish sounding, right? Well - I think it is all in how one prioritizes and then accomplishes that task. "Accomplish" is the word I'm picking, because that word implies action, not just some lazy decision on my end, with a needed outcome. And, I'm NO saint with this. I think I finally turned to blogging again in order to create order in making better decisions for both "me time" and needed "family moments". I write down my thoughts, my inspirations, positive thinking, or my struggles, and SEE it anew. I can make new plans, rethink, capture and record moments, gain perspective on what should be important in life. When I became a mom, I discovered how truly selfish I am. Notice I didn't say "was". I still have not gotten over my selfishness - but I embrace the growth and faith that come from challenging my innate nature. I'm called by my God to do this, while also embracing the gift of me. He does see me as a wonderful gift - to Himself and to others. When Lovely was born, I was a full time teacher and night time grad student. I felt like I was always having to do something for someone else - grade papers, cook dinner, change diapers, write a thesis paper, clean my home, drive to work drive to class, drive to day care, drive to parents.....while still making time to grow in my faith, live, and do what I'm called to do for me and my family. I got tired, I got forgetful, I couldn't see the forest because of the trees.

I craved "me" time, I craved "family moments and memory time" and then would not really document and prioritize those times. I'd look back and get depressed I had done nothing valuable. I felt we just existed in our home, not appreciating the time going by, and trying to SURVIVE the day. You know what I mean - normal humans NORMALLY spend much of their days overwhelmed, busy, tired, and full, focused on finding and keeping some routine, surviving till nap time/bed time and not "letting go, letting God" - I literally forgot the good things I/we did, or not take any time for me, or give myself any credit for the good things I did accomplish in that time for me. I'd start to think all I did was let Lovely watch too much TV so I could do one of my jobs or just rest (I need tips on how to accomplish more with the kids in the house and not under my feet when they can't go outside or be in another room. I also pass no judgement on families who watch TV. We do. We love TV. I admire those who don't and would love to know how they do it) Also, I had this idea that I took TOO much time for myself, or felt behind, procrastinated, rearranged, ignored my husband, daughter, friends, etc to do what I wanted or multi-tasked too much to get things done. I also took life for granted. Instead of cuddling Lovely every evening as a baby, she would bottle feed herself while I did other things, and all of the sudden - she was a big girl. Where did babyhood go? How could I balance out and record time for me, my family, my studies, while appreciating the steady beat of time - something I can not freeze and store. I started getting depressed on all I thought I missed with my schedule, and it hampered me remembering all the GOOD I did do. Yes, we did GREAT family things together - I just could not remember them. I think that is when my love for recording in pictures and words began, and I blogged for a few years. I eventually stopped because our lives changed in a big way, but the picture taking obsession with photography stayed with me.

The big change came with our move to a house and my becoming and SAHM over a year ago. I then really wanted to figure out time for me/time for family/living out my calling and faith in a balanced way (HA - like I'm balanced) For the first few months, I went nuts with all my new freedom. I spent SCADS of time with Lovely bonding, playdates, parks, mom's night outs, trying to clean the house, do most of the chores...and still felt empty. I finally was not working, doing what I really thought would make me happy and what I should do as a mother and I STILL battled my inner depression and compulsion and voices that plagued me, even with a strong faith, when working for 6 years. I battled with my faith journey. I would talk to myself and pray saying "I'm Catholic, why am I Catholic, what about my faith am I in love with?" (And I can say I am in love with my faith and I'm never done figuring it out and my place in faith AND religion). The thoughts in my head did not stop. We got pregnant (yay!) and time then became about battling my fatigue, embracing the loves of my life (faith, family, friends) and still feeling like all Lovely did all day was PreK and then TV watching. I KNOW I did more....but I felt all I did was "me" related....or housework related - not focused on the moment and doing the best for my family. The lines were all blurred and muddled and my head hurt from analyzing too much.

(Can you tell what an OVERTHINKER I am. I talk too fast, too much, and type too fast and too much haha)

So, blogging helps to unblur and unmuddle. Currently my blog is colorized in black, white and grey (I love that type of photography). And seeing typed words in black and white helps me focus. By far, nothing in my life is simply black and white...there is LOTS of grey - but the written word is pretty clear, while my feelings make up the grey areas. I feel, I write, I channel positive energy, grace, the Spirit; whatever I can. I record the good, the difficult, the REAL, and use it to help me focus on stepping back some, and making family moments - picnics, backyard playtime, laughter - because life IS too short. I still catch myself every hour trying to "survive" and get through the day, but blogging helps me catch myself and make plans to do something more for my family in this life, so fleeting, before the next life. In doing that for my family, I also get "me" time. It is a two way street. Time for me to pray, reflect, capture, and record while remembering the bigger picture for others as time allows.

Well, with that....I hope I somehow answered the question. In making blog rounds, I've noticed many bloggers asking and answering the same question on surviving the day, making time for oneself, family, passions, etc. It is on everyone's mind - blogging or not. I'm glad to have pondered it verbosely here lol! You can always count on me!

(now, off to carpool. "Draft" time! Then nap time!)

*****

Friday Five

When I used to blog, one of my IRL friends, Kelly, had cool "daily" topics for the days of the week (like Small Successes, Thankful Thursday). She called it the "Friday Five". Just a quick list of 5 recaps, or even answering blogging questions posed from any readers who could exist. So, if anyone is reading this...fill free to jump in sometime - ask me some questions about whatever. I'll try and answer them. If not, I'll just do my Friday Five recap :)

1) I'm loving today. It's the perfect, God given, lazy day. I've had a blast listening to the rain outside, have no place to be, no self induced pressure to be doing something, and no guilt. Who knows if it will last....I can get highs and lows easily in my day!!

2) I'm looking forward to taking the kids and meeting our dear friends at the parish Fish fry! Here's your shout out M! HA! I have a craving for simple clam chowder and Lovely wants some shrimp and grilled cheese (what a combo....ewwww!). It is so cool to get together with the young families at our parish for a community meal!**EDITED to add it was so fun seeing D and her family at the Fish Fry! You looked lovely!

3) This weekend will be fun! Tomorrow is a 5 yo b-day party at an indoor kid gym, then we have our Supper Club group dinner (1st one of the season) tomorrow night. We get to meet a new couple, and spend time again with the ladies and their hubbies from my woman's group Michelle and I attempt to lead lol. Lovely will go to my parents, and sleep over as then Sunday I am helping Sarah co-host a shower. I can't wait to have girl time with dear, dear friends!!! I am BLESSED!!!

4) Baby Val is a 9 month old now!!! HUH? When did that happen? She's sitting up, babbling, no teeth, still content to not explore just yet by crawling or creeping, but does love to touch things. I'm kinda glad she is so content to sit around. I have a LOT of baby proofing to do. She's 15 pounds and a little peanut and joy in our lives.

5) Lovely is a hoot. So creative, talented, strong willed, and funny - but my relaxed parenting style (ok, relaxed may not be the best word cause I'm always worried about my actions) is catching up with me because I need to be more consistent on manners, voice loudness, actions, and follow through. We've hit an age of selective listening, making choices, and I'm SO TIRED at the end of the day parenting her lol. The other night she disappeared on me when we were outside. She went into the house, but how would I know that?? I felt like a failure. I want everyone to know the joy Lovely is, and when we are just us, she IS so great....I get all paranoid around other parents because their kids show their consistency and I question if I'm a good parent. That's a post for another day. When I feel good though, our days ARE good, and Lovely is SO good, and fun. She is so loving and deep. I'm not sure why I was blessed to be HER mother. She deserves so much more :)

So...what's your Friday Five? E-mail me, CALL me (*wink*), comment, or blog it yourself!! Just enjoy a quick list!

Much Love! TGIF!!!