Spring Cleaning! (or maybe more like emotional release?)

Of course, as my husband leaves for 3 hours, and my oldest is at her grandparents till tomorrow, and the baby is asleep, and I'm here alone - I could just attack the house. Do a whirlwind straightening. Our house could use it. It's a bit chaotic since I've had little energy to touch it or encourage my family to help touch it too this week. But no. I sat down with my water and decided to check in with "ye ole blog". Inspired by the lovely weather, and fun at the park this morning, I have the energy to clean some, but first I wanted to create an outlet for myself with some feelings inside - write them out, get the out, and then let them go. It's one of the reasons why I opened a blog in the first place. So, as I spring clean my house some today in the quiet and solitude of MIA family members, I think I'll do some "soul cleaning" here.

I thrive on social activity. I love being with my family, and seeing my friends! My weeks are blessed to have the time for that. When I was working, I had a social outlet at work, but once Lovely was born, and I started grad school, I never got out much. Even when I finished school and was just a working mom and not a student too, I still didn't get out as much. So, having moved to our current home, now being home with my kids, and having met some of the best people EVER, I am the happiest I've been. Yet....sometimes I can't enjoy it all the time. I am constantly over analyzing my words, conversations, flaws, thoughts. I remember WAY too much, and many times it is the things I don't need to remember LOL! Why can't my brain work when I need it too (like paying people back I owe). It annoys me. And, if it annoys me - think of the friends that actually notice me doing it! My friends are saints for sticking by me!

Today was one of those days. I forewarn you not all you read here will make ANY sense. This entry if more for me. I caught myself today jumping in conversations - then thinking to myself "why did I just interject there? Interrupt?" For example - one was a conversation about social networking sites and to join them or not. I jumped in kinda to help give examples of sites people can use if they DON'T want to social network to avoid the peer pressure of joining - but I worried later "did I just just offend the person that prefers to network?" Plus, I wasn't in the conversation!!! Another time I found myself in a quiet moment rehashing things of the past I can't change, yet bringing them up because I guess I wanted to air my flaws before I worried others would. That is a real issue of mine. I'll belittle myself or past mistakes because I "assume" you are thinking, judging, and remembering them, and I'd rather say them out loud first so you "know I know". (HAHA, so, did THAT paragraph make ANY sense???!!)

So anyways - I just wanted to write those down so they are released to the universe (especially before I write an e-mail to send to these people, or call them, and really....that is not what I need to do. I just did it the other night, and that just causes more attention/stress than needed. Hello...LET GO ViolinMama! And, lol my e-mails have not been well written and clear lately, lol!) I honestly know WHY I overworry, overthink, and lose security. I could share it here, but it would probably be too long for 1 or 2 entries. I will say I've been wounded. Much of what I feel developed as "survival instincts" for those times mostly from childhood, but some as an adult dealing with some 'unchanging variables'. I could go talk to someone about them, but I had a great thought given to me. I know why I think as I think, so why stay "stuck" in my past talking about my past with someone? (not that I'm knocking seeing a counselor - I think they are great. I've seen them. They helped me figure out "me" and gave strategies to cope/improve/survive). What I need for "me" to do is to reclaim my present, and free up my future. More like life coaching myself. I can't change the past - and maybe I can't change "me" in the present (we all know from being married how we can't change our spouse) but I can work hard on "rewiring" how I think and react in the present, so I can have the richest future possible in emotional freedom.

I always chuckle at myself. I am a woman of deep faith. I "feel" so much. I know I am blessed, and I know when times are down and out - my faith has sustained me (such as Hubby's illnesses). God has never failed me, and if I lost my family in some accident tomorrow, I know my God is there for me and for them and I would never walk away from His strength and love. So, why can't I tap into that faith and just "let go, Let God" more in my daily life? Let Him take these feelings and yoke(s) on his shoulders? I guess that just shows I have to keep on growing. We all are called to carry our crosses with Jesus. Everyday. Something that really reminds us around spring and Easter. So, I guess I'll add this to the couple dozen crosses I bear - HA! 2009 has been a year I've pledged to grow in many areas (physically, emotionally, spiritually) and this is part of that process. So I'll work on both "letting go" more, and "carrying" my cross. I need to accept I am flawed, but STRONG and loved. I can stretch myself, grow, and improve. I may revert along the way - overworry, overthink - but I'll try and catch myself. Help me, if you will. I hope I can help you too. We'll stumble and fall together with our crosses - but I know we'll make it. I know I will. I will.

You know what? I just remembered. Jesus stumbled and fell with his cross too. More than once.

He eventually got where he needed to be. I know I will too.

Much love!!