Also I'm seriously going to ramble here....and I promise, none of it makes ANY sense. I'm very complicated.
Also, I should note...these are our feelings, my feelings and perspective. Where I'm about to ramble can make people say "she's saying WHAT?!"
And
EDITED to add to something Blair said....if it sounds like I'm trying to explain/rationalize/justify myself...I am. I have had some doubters in my family question, and I just feel like I need to explain - though I should not - but I'm always seeking affirmation in my family (I shouldn't) so yeah....this was me vs the voices in my head....(plus being a former teacher, knowing so many teachers, I feel guilty (!!!??) in a way thinking what I feel.
So tonight was "Curriculum Night" at
Lovely's school. As nice as it was (it is a nice neighborhood school), Hubby and I kept making comments about nice homeschooling would be next year. Yes, faith is a HUGE factor for me...it's as natural as breathing to me, and I'd love to infuse it into our daily routine instead of just before and after school as it is currently. That goes without saying. It's also the fact that we (Hubby too) were feeling nudged just in things we were seeing and hearing academically. Again - great school, incredible staff, and we're enjoying the experience so far (her teacher is a dream and I could see our other kids doing K there, and boy do we LOVE walking there), and I have incredible friends who are and were teachers and made their classrooms incredible places (please don't ever think I'm not supporting their passion, I was a teacher too! My sister is an award winning public school teacher and a person I aspire to be - she's that awesome) - it was more in hearing music is one week a month, art is one week a month, recess is whenever they can squeeze it in,
Lovely's too young for choir or the running club (she's mentioned wanting both). I should add, of course in her K class they do art and music everyday....I'm talking about a focused class with its own teacher; time to be creative in movement, music, and hands on art and where PE does not replace recess. Also, we just kept commenting how fabulous it would be for us to see her do it all these discoveries and creations. The K program seems pretty well rounded, but where we got the nudges was from grade 1 and up - the standards get strict for math and reading, and science and social studies get alternated - they just are not done as much so they can focus on other things...HELLO!! How is that molding minds ready for the future? How is music one week a month, or art one week a month helpful? I mean, really, helpful, to older kids. Children need more. How is skipping recess remotely good? I started seeing us making music in our living room, and art with our friends, taking a break from a frustrating lesson with a break to the backyard swing...and it just kept flowing...
I want more.
When they talked in the meeting about us coming for lunch - I was thinking of how she and I could MAKE lunch - along with all the fun in setting the table, (very Montessori) etc. Maybe even share with other friends co-oping the journey with us! When they talked about using touch boards and technology to explore geography - I thought about how nice a nature walk could simply be, seeing and touching and then taking what we EXPERIENCED to the computer and make something technological to practice those skills....but keeping in mind we FELT it first, SAW it first, SMELLED it first. Same as a museum - being there makes it POP! I LOVE technology. I taught high school for 7 years and loved having projectors (LCD) and the use of labs and the
internet....it brought learning in the classroom alive, and yet, I loved escaping the florescent lights at the end of the day, walking to my car and feeling life outside. If given the choice, does one want to watch a lesson or experience it? Why make my lessons "come alive" if I can see them BE alive. I loved where I taught. I went there too...and I'd love it if my kids wanted to go there too - but to have a few years of learning with them, feeling the learning happen...wow. I pray I can do it next year.
Why? Even though it can be good....I just desire more.
And to top it all off...the freedom to just experience daily prayer, daily mass, or children bible stories in our day? That's awesome to me! That's awesome to Hubby. We get to do what we already do at home, and keep grooving with it. I love our teachers and schools, public and private, but I am saddened that the only time God enters
Lovely's school day is one word in the Pledge. I'm sure someone could say - "send her to a Catholic school" and that is great, but then we're back to the whole nudging I feel to experience schooling more full bodied in faith, diversity, and one on one learning than in a classroom with a school bell in her childhood. Also something for us to consider - cost. Paying for it and me still being able to work less so I can spend time with our family more doesn't work either for me personally or economically. I about lost it trying to teach and be a mom. For me, it was too hard. Keep in mind...I taught in a Catholic High School and loved it. Incredible...I had the FREEDOM to pray, talk about the world and topics of
all faiths and cultures that can't be mentioned in the public setting. I felt free to open doors in their minds all while ending the day with a Life Teen Mass. I'd go back there to teach in a heartbeat if I had to. I'd send my kids there if we could afford it, or I felt I could handle working and being a mom emotionally again. Great community, but I'm talking about the childhood years now and potentially beyond.
That said, I do love where Lovely is now (see, I'm complicated!). I simply feel called to take the reins (if I can...a whole other post would be my worries about pulling this off for my family) for the primary grades more so than
preK and K. I have friends who have done amazing things in the public school realm. I also think in public school there is a richness of diversity that more matches the world our kids live in. Things that could be more fully experienced if the focus was not test scores, reading levels, and math achievements. Lovely doesn't even get handwriting lessons anymore, so where is the time to enjoy the beauty of what's around us, who's learning with us, what makes us the same, what makes us different and that we are together for a reason? The pressure on teachers to get them "ready" for a short term goal outweighs the bigger picture. My sister and friends who teach, or taught, public school I know were and are incredible! I think I did a great job the year I taught in the public realm and I wish I had done more years in the public realm for myself. Teaching is a vocation, an incredible, underestimated, and undervalued vocation. We're planted where we are needed and called for a greater purpose, so I'm not debating public vs private in terms of teachers - I'm just embracing the freedom I had when faith was allowed in the equation for so many discussions, topics, history, questioning, embracing the last 6 years I taught than the first. I'm also embracing the call to be the primary teacher for my children - which we are ALL called to be as parents, at a public or private school, and
home school.
I just want more.
I just AM - I'm who I am, one who thinks about faith, loves spirituality in so many forms, delights in the innocence of the young and their blossoming faith as something so pure, something to be cherished, and I want to see those moments more. So we feel called to
home school. I want to be there for the academic, and the spiritual. Plus, I want to be able to say Halloween, or all Soul's day, and not just "Fall Festival" while learning! I want
What (Who) inspires us to be a part of our day.
That said, I love
Pre K's, I love Kindergarten. I'm glad Lovely has had them and I want our future kids to enjoy them too. Moms need to trust that inner voice and follow the path that they are called to. I don't feel called right now for the early years (maybe cause of my background?) I think my friend Kris said, "you take it year by year, child by child." I know we'll do book based learning - probably a curriculum to help me out as well. I'd love to co-op! I want to blend
Montessori (Lovely will be starting one aspect of that that I want to adapt at home as well by starting our parish's Montessori program, the
Catechesis of the Good Shepherd, in a few weeks) and
Suzuki learning (both are incredible). It's just that having the opportunity to give it a try and be there for their learning - and the freedom to infuse our day with our faith - is my dream. And that dream was bolstered even more tonight.
I like what is, I like the different choices to learn, I like where I've taught and where Lovely currently is. I just want MORE.
Now, if I can just get past my worries about pulling it all off...
hmmmmmmm. I need to put my $ (and *cough* a little
faith) where my rambling blog typing fingers are. I just want to do and give MORE. I can't figure out how to say it succinctly and more clearly than that.
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These stars are for new additions to this post, especially as I read comments. Melanie had two thoughts that rang with me, and I wanted to say 3 things:
1) I agree - when one hears their teachers say "you have a great kid" or "we love having them in the classroom" or "they are the class motivator" it makes me want to be the one who sees that on a daily basis. Lovely is not usually grumpy after school, but I hear comments like this a lot and I wish I could see them unfold. Also, when she and I have done one on one learning before, she shows a whole new side with me...and really loves it. It makes me feel good about aiming to do this. That and the fact she asks to do it every other day or so. Her best friend does it, and she has seen it in action, and even at almost 6 - she can state it. We'll see what she says closer to 1st grade, but right now, she does love the idea even as she loves going to K.
2) I do hope my teacher friends know that I am totally supportive of the work they do. One day I may even go back to teaching high school. When trying to organize thoughts it can look like I'm dissing a system, or them. I'm trying to say that each part (public, private, Catholic) contributes to an incredible "big picture". I just want to have a shot at bringing all that together and having the big picture at home. And of course, schooling at home can seem like just another part of the big picture - and I'm trying to figure out how to word my feelings and goals to show how I see homeschooling bridging a lot of those areas and creating a lot of freedom and faith growing and incredible moments for us both.
3) I do have fears. I want to balance out her social experiences, I want to keep our relationship safe (not fighting each other when we learn). I just want to give it a try and see where it goes.....year by year...step by step.
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