Biased...but....

Lovely's gone and done it again, making me choke up with her latest sculpture in art class. Her teacher tells me that Lovely is her "deep thinker."

Lovely told me the little blanket is supposed to be revealing the gender...hehe!

Presenting Lovely's sculpture: Pregnant Mommy and Big Toddler Sister

I just love how this *biased* mom feel like her sculptures have living energy. They just feel alive. Even expressionless, you know what they are expressing!! In this piece, you just feel the love, tenderness, and excitement.

I'm SO blessed to have Lovely on loan from God for a while. I am so blessed. I just love her sweet heart and soul.

I can understand.

I can understand the fear.

I can understand the shame. 

I can understand the pressure.

I grew up, where when I hit puberty, someone in my family made it VERY clear that if I was ever to get pregnant - this person would pack my suitcase for me and leave it on the front steps. A person who, while I was young, focused on the shame when "it" happened to other people. Their unmarried status. Their growing figure. How limited their life will be now. A person who would talk about easily this could have been prevented by abstaining or by 'making it go away' because this person had grown up poor with many mouths to feed and "no one deserves that". A person who talked about another relative who had adopted twice and both of those beloved adopted children grew into a life of drugs and trouble.

So, honestly, my abstaining from sex in high school was mostly built on the fear of being expelled from my home, the shame of others knowing what I had done if I did, and pressure of how wrecked my life would be if I raised a baby while I was still a baby or how mixed up my child would be if they were adopted.

Nope, it was not so much the beauty of waiting till you met the man you saved yourself for, that you would take vows with, etc. It was never mentioned how RARE, courageous and heartbreakingly heroic it would be to actually carry a baby to term and then give it up to be adopted if I choose to not wait for marriage. I never even got a safe sex talk. My birth control was fear, shame, and pressure. And, those things are not 98% effective at preventing pregnancy but, I can state with 98% certainty I would have sought an abortion first before feeling I could come to this person for guidance.

So while I don't know how I would have really felt, or what I would have chosen to do (I'd like to think I would choose life, but I sometimes really wonder), I can understand. 

Before I continue, I can't imagine how scary and hard it must be to have raise children and teenagers to adulthood with the best possible start. Can I really fault an anxious loved one who was probably so scared of something happening to a child they so desperately loved that they did what they thought was best to ensure the best life possible? As a mother myself, I lay awake at night wondering how would we survive if Lovely, Valiant, Gift or future children developed a terrible drug or alcohol addiction. How do I raise them to wait for marriage when I know the intoxicating power of true love and lust when you are in a wonderful relationship that can lead to marriage? I worry about these things as much as I do teen driving, sexual predators, and childhood diseases. How do I have those talks with my kids? So, I write this knowing that this loved one did what they did out of the love of being a parent. I do know that.

But, I can understand.

When you simply want acceptance, when you crave unconditional love in a conditional world, and appearance is everything -  fear, shame, and pressure can lead to secret keeping, concealing, and that there is only "one" option to "fix" everything.

My becoming married didn't stop this understanding. This same person has made it clear that having multiple children is a weight. While one grandchild per couple has been welcomed with the fatted calf, I somehow have become the only child to go on to have more, and be open to more, and those children have been welcomed with indifference until their birth, or with venomous reaction based on their prejudiced feelings until birth. I am the only to embrace NFP and I have to confess, I battle anxiety at times during my cycle because of the lack of support I would feel and get from certain family, and many friends for a surprise blessing. I am a married woman, and yet I feel fear, shame, and pressure constantly. I can understand. 

I shouldn't let others think for me, or impact me in such a way (I'm working on this), but I can't express enough how those feelings from puberty have permeated my married life. Yoke that to our current struggles, and the temptation to listen to the world and embrace birth control over family planning has been hard to resist. It sounds so much more acceptable and sympathetic and, dare I say, 'responsible' to tell people your birth control failed than "We use NFP." That has GOT to change. It is never a failure when new life is created. It is NEVER a failure. We have got to change our vocabulary and our feelings. To get sympathy for a hormone failing and being blamed for using "that NFP business" for a surprise blessing shows how warped our society has become. So yes, I can understand.

I can understand why abortion is viewed as a needed option. I can understand it can feel like the only option. When a clinic gives more compassion to a fearful, shamed, and pressured girl than those who are called to champion life do, I can understand why it is available. When "pro-lifers" choose to destroy the dignity of the mother by judging the pregnancy, judging her soul, the choice to walk around pregnant for 9 months alone while they stare and gossip,  I can understand why adoption seems to be the horrific option ("She gave it away..."). Why would you put yourself in that position after the fear, shame, and pressure? Shame on us for allowing that to perpetuate. I can understand the great divide between pro-choice and pro-life when I know 99% of those that are pro-choice do not think they are pro-death - they want to protect women, give excellent and free care, etc when "pro-lifers" carry terribly violent signs and dress as the Grim Reaper (BTW, FANTASTIC article on this by Simcha Fisher here on this topic). I can understand.

I don't have any idea what it is liked to face pregnancy after rape, the rationalizations for morning after pills, or face a surprise pregnancy outside of marriage. I can understand the temptation to use abortion as birth control.  But, with the shortage of domestic adoptions leaving infertile couples or families called to enlarge their families through adoption with empty, aching arms, 1/3 of all African Americans killed through abortion in the last 30 years of the 40 year legal history, and 1.2 million deaths of God's precious souls on earth each year - I KNOW we have to start changing our lingo from ending an unwanted pregnancy to supporting an unplanned pregnancy. We have to support those heroes choosing adoption. We have to keep supporting medical advances that are proving what we didn't concretely know in 1973 - how LIFE really starts at conception. I've been astounded at what I've learned through friends going through IVF  - IVF doctors know gender at cell division before implantation! So, how then is it not human?  We've come so far since 1973 and back alley abortions. Surely we can do more to SUPPORT now than terminate? That, I can understand. That I can pray for.

We can't end there. There are two victims during an abortion procedure - the child AND the mother. The fathers also face great loss. We need to do more in post abortion healing. We need to remind them of their dignity in a "pro-life world" of damnation and judgement. They are beloved, fearfully and wonderfully made, and so valued. Who ever WANTS an abortion? How is it the first choice on someone's list? Compassion and love are needed in heaps for healing for these precious souls. How can we forsake them?

So, until prayer and answers come, I can understand I need to march. I need to march for life, if not with my feet than with my heart. I need to speak up on days like today. We need dialogue, not debate. My family usually marches together, though we took off last year after I had a confrontation the year before with a marcher because they had a violent sign and was nervous about Lovely seeing it. Other than that one sign that one year, the silent, prayerful walk had always felt like a safe way to show our support and civic participation for our children (be a part of peaceful change). Our eldest knows we walk for babies that have not gotten to stay in the womb till birth, and that has sufficed for her and her sister. But this year, Lovely returned (the little ones and I could not attend). I knew she would be with a safe group, and DC tends to get the more violent signs than our state's walk. But, it made me VERY nervous when Lovely asked me if she could make a sign to carry (My thoughts..."Oh no! She has noticed the signs!! What do I say????"). I told her yes, and she made the following "sign":

Pretty amazing and touching image, don't you think?

I told her "Oh, Lovely! What a BEAUTIFUL picture of Mary and Baby Jesus!!!! I love all of it!!" to which Lovely replied, "It's not Baby Jesus, it's Mary with one of the babies."

Stunned, choked up silence. 

I'd say she pretty much sums it up correctly. 

My daughter makes a sign to march with, that depicts Mary truly being "our mother". Mary, in her glory and strength, will love and hold these precious souls that have gone back to God. Mary does so with love, grace,  loving arms, and a SMILE of forgiveness and acceptance. I would hope a mother or father who suffer post their abortion procedure days or years later can look at Mary's face and see the love radiating back at them that HEALS. She wears green - a lush color of LIFE and growth. I can't help but think the rainbow is a depiction of the biblical promise of Gen 9:15 "I will remember my covenant between me and you and all living creatures of every kind. Never again will the waters become a flood to destroy all life".

March on, sweet love, march on.

I pray we can live up to the covenant too, even if it only seeing these lost souls as citizens that deserve civil rights in a secular sense, if we can't be united in the eyes of God and see life made in His image.

I can understand.

Can you understand me?

Love a leaf

The tragedy of the world is that so many are unloved. Roses always look beautiful and smell sweet, and hence they are a prize to be possessed. Sweetbriar, however, has fragrant leaves, and they are never so fragrant as when it rains. The common people of the world are like these leaves; they have something fragrant about them, particularly when the days are dark and clouded and rain falls in their lives. Anyone can love a rose; but it takes a great heart to love a leaf.

- Archbishop Fulton Sheen

After a bunch of negative posts....

I'm going to take the best advice I've ever been given from a TRUE lady!

No more being defeatist!! Because.......it is the 3rd Season PREMIERE of DOWNTON ABBEY!!!!!

Time to get the kids in bed....break out the wine....and get lost in someone else's DELICIOUS drama!!!

See you there! 9pm, PBS!!

Epiphany Eve

Lookie lookie....the camels came and non nom nom'ed, leaving crumbs and....

The Three Magi left 3 gifts for each of the kids in the spirit of what they gave Jesus:

• something for the body (lotion)
• something scented (bath fizzers)
• a treasure/family faith builder (Audio CD from Glory Stories about Blessed Miguel Pro - a secret agent!! - and chocolate gold coins)  

Excited for the morning and their discoveries. More importantly...the conversations about this important detail in Jesus' Christmas story. Priceless! 

Blessed Epiphany to you!

Been up a while

Argh. Just venting. I've been awake a for a couple of hours, and gave up tossing and turning. I'm still recovering, but maybe this insomnia means I'm getting better to not need rest? HAHA.

I finally got up because darkness/insomnia/tossing and turning turn my cozy bed sanctuary into a breeding ground of anxiety. Oh, the thoughts in my head about homeschooling concerns and planning, family strife, marriage progress, being a check-in mother, finances, future plans...you name it, I thunk it.

It seems my UNPLANNED Christmas day afternoon nap was because I was getting sick. I have been sick since the day after Christmas until/including the day that is breaking as we approach 7am. I got one day at home to rest after my stressful Christmas, then we turned back around and headed back, as extended family was arriving for a 3 day visit.

I was nervous. This side of the family holds some tension. I was so out of gas from the 25th, that I was so nervous. But, Day 1 and most of Day 2 were FANTASTIC. It was so nice to be together. But, oh...was I getting sick - hoarse, throat cold (not sore, more like laryngitis). I was so. tired. I made sure I did not nap. I set my alarm when I would lay down with my younger kids for their nap time so I would rouse when we fell asleep together.

Then, came the evening of Day 2. The men of the house were gone, my parents gone, so the ladies left behind poured some wine for some girl talk. At first the conversation centered around the one family member that stressed us all out and how to deal better with it. It seemed to open the door to some bonding (such needed bonding if we COULD get it). When it was my turn to share, I shared things I had loved, and struggled with growing up. We all had shared stories of our not so great youth moments - and I linked mine (since my sister had joked about my crazy ADHD self as a kid - ooooh, I had some issues!) to how I couldn't fully fault my bullies in school too much if I really had such control issues. I probably made myself an easy target. This lead to questions, and I was excited to share. Up until this time, I always felt my FRIENDS knew me better than my family. That felt wrong to me...I've always dreamed/hoped my family would be closer, would be bonded, like so many families seemed in my circles, or in books, movies, or TV. So, I shared (we all did) but my stories were so surprising to my family that I felt stupid for sharing them. I felt embarrassed finally opening up. My sister was fine...but...anyways...I just regret sharing now.

Maybe that is why I overshare. Looking to be heard? I don't know, I feel I talk too much about myself in the past 2 years. I try not to, but I'll relate something someone said to me, trying to make a connection. But I fear it isn't a good "listening" technique and leaves others feeling I stole the train. Maybe I don't - but I've been told by one I do. I know blogging helps me find a release for my thoughts, blessedly. But I sure felt I did that with my family - even though everyone shared. I just felt so raw and exposed and embarrassed for trying to shorten the age gap and share with them. Their stories were so different because of their ages.

So, the conversation turned to homeschooling. This family member is one I've suspected hasn't loved our family's choice in homeschooling, and even though they assured me that was not so, the conversation turned to more of me defending why we do it. I should have ended it, after my sister chimed in to defend me saying that she knows we check with the national/state standards, etc and homeschooling is such a stronger option than it was 15 years ago. She was AWESOME (and I don't think she fully loves what we do, but she embraces and supports our passion for it)! My sister eventually dosed off in her chair. I should have walked away, but in the moment, I wanted to try to share the experiences that changed my mind on homeschooling (I used to be against it!). Dare I say, I wanted to bond with my family. Wrong move. I was hoarse, tired, and losing the battle to 'their reason'. After I described our schedule, my family member said, "So, basically, you are not really homeschooling, but creating a private school atmosphere with these art classes, Good Shepherd class, and co-oops and LEGO class." Sigh.

I told her she could see it that way, as homeschooling parents tailor education to their kids, which goes beyond what a public school can do....but more than a private school, especially the early years. I went on to tell her how the scene was changing, and if a child chose not to do traditional high school, that there was dual enrollments in local colleges, great ways to learn, save $, etc. But that was reasoned off by them, in a very negative tone. They questioned not letting certified teachers for ANY grade teach children, how did parents know enough, "SOCIALIZATION" and "what about the high school experience?". I told her that she had good points/questions, and every family decides what works best for them, that it was just nice to see the options unfold. It was a down hill discussion. For all their pledges they supported what we were doing....the tone and facts and reasoning they used was very anti-homeschooling. I was glad when I finally realized and could switch topics...with my sister waking up in her chair and that helping me bring up how late it was and we all should get to bed. I wish I had done it sooner, I REALLY was hoping for a light to go off, and some bonding to occur. Instead, I went to bed anxious, worried about our choices, etc. Darn it! And that's on me...how I let words affect me.

Anyways...those events popped up in my mind. Is Lovely really learning and thriving this year? I made big goals to improve 2nd semester...do more writing, reading....enrichment. But I'm battling feeling defeated.Then I thought about our new 2013 budget, marriage stress, how alone I feel lately, etc. Toss and turn, toss and turn. At least I'm not coughing as I have been. I can see big improvement in my healing.

When I started feeling too gloomy, I got up. I read some funny things online, and then thought some prayer time would help. There is nothing better than 3 Minute Retreat.

Ironically...this was today's featured meditation (You can click through the many they have - but one is featured). I'd say God never speaks to us by chance.

So, that meditation speaks for itself. I will rue over Psalm 85:9 and the questions the meditation asks me to consider...where in my life am I most in need of peace? How can I make room in my heart for God's word in my heart? How can I share it with others? 

Pray for me. Please leave any prayer intentions you have. You have no idea how it helps me to focus on something for others. It keeps the Body of Christ more alive in my heart. Much love.

It's a new day dawning. 

3 reasons to read

I literally took these two pictures before posting. They were playing this "limbo AND the rolled map is a roof of our house" game as we veg around the house (I am sick - been sick most of break):

And as they played, I was weeping, reading this blog post I want the share, because I kept looking back at my kids playing at my feet as I read this entry, and could not imagine ONE of them missing from the picture.

While many of my obvious items are secure in my home, this gave me a new reason to glance around my home. I encourage you to grab some tissues, and go read. I also can confess when we only had one child, we never gave such security thought. Our one child never did anything crazy, was never a climber, etc. I had friends and family with more kids, busy, inquisitive kids. They needed to do more things, not us. I thought we were ok "as is".  I was totally naive, and realized that as we had more kids in our old house. Once reality hit us, we really started securing the obvious pieces as the babies were born - in their rooms, and the house. When we moved, we had lots of unlatching to do. In our condo, we've secured the big pieces, but this blog entry give me pause. I think we have some quick projects to do this weekend...even in a rental that we don't want to mess up the walls for. We'll just have to spare the expense later...and I bet it won't be that expensive. Not as costly as this family paid.

I have three reasons for you to read this entry. How many reasons do you have? 0? 1? 9? You need to read regardless.

Blessings.