Olympic Sized Feelings

So, like many - I'm escaping from my reality into the world of faster, higher, stronger - also called the 2012 London Olympics.  

Seriously loving this sweet girl - Missy Franklin, Team USA

Seriously, her smile and inner spirit RADIATING through the TV makes my day. I am a fan!!

It is so nice to lose myself in a moment that is unifying the globe for the next 2 weeks and isn't personal "first world" drama problems facing me, society around me, etc. I love seeing these athletes give their all and see their back stories, and the families standing beside them as they reach their goals. Every country is special.

I loved the parade of nations in the opening ceremonies and seeing the world really open its doors to each other in one stadium (notice I didn't say arena - competition was put aside for one night, guns put downs, swords sheathed in one place for one moment with 204 countries - many in the news for bloodshed and oppression). I wonder if God looks down on open ceremony night and remembers fondly back on Day 6 of creation and sighs on mankind getting it right on a global scale only ONCE every 4 years, not every day. The London Games' opening ceremony sure looked like an Eden...you know, until those smoke stacks rose (ha!).

Then, as the games commenced I have enjoyed getting lost in competition and thrill. It's been such a nice distraction when we are not doing family centered activities this week. It's been a nice distraction, because even though my family is all together again, I'm finding myself scared and down.

While I still have not revealed much on my blog, we had a BIG prayer answered (so thankful to God) and His timing seemed so right on. Since then, our lives have been turned around, but we are dealing with it all ok because of feeling God's hand in it all. This week was supposed to be a big celebration of this thanksgiving.

Then, I had a conversation with someone I barely know that really threw me. I'm still recovering from it.

Since that conversation I've been scared of what's to come in the coming weeks (meaning, can I get excited about our "thanksgiving"), can I start making plans, make arrangements, set my heart on a much wanted and needed respite from our past year of humble pie? Most noticeably, is how the peace and celebration I was feeling, especially toward my husband, has faded back into tense questions and a battle to trust his view of things (which was broken and in the process of healing since last September)  and God's plan for us.

Basically, I've become a doubting Thomas again. A Peter who WAS walking on water until I saw the wind, and doubted and sank.

I'm starting to blend this new person's comments into the fabric of the comment threads from loved ones who are hurt, angry, and fearful for me after this past year.

I feel like this fabric has become made of the most dense wool available, and is now soaking wet and dragging me down.

As we pray about a future new home to rent and I look at options (single family/multi family), I'm starting to see places through my families eyes - too rundown, too humble, not good enough for my children and damaging to their spirits. I'm starting to doubt staying home with my kids and wondering about working more full time so they get "more", even though we are assured by our financial advisers that as long as things stay as they are, or increase in my husbands work - we will be fine rebuilding, and paying off debt on one income. I've been fine this whole time living humbly, simply, and stunned how well my children have done in our transition condo - seeing it as a home, not a refuge. Where did those feelings go so quickly?

I'm honestly fine with the risk a family takes living on one income - I'd just like a break from bad news and a chance to restock the savings and take a breath first before tackling the next dropped shoe, you know?

The person I spoke with was sharing the rumors of a dropping shoe. Rumors my husband researched more after my freak out and swears are just rumors. But, it's been a little much on my heart on a celebration and home search week, and a bigger blow to trust in my husband (in keeping me on the same financial page) when I heard them from someone OTHER than him.

In discoursing and processing my thoughts and fears and what and WHY I feel them, and what would make me feel better, the obvious solution (besides turning my worry over to God) suggested to me was  the possibility of perhaps getting a more full time job for myself. While my internal reaction to this was not a happy one and I reacted as such - I was so thankful to the honesty as it confirmed a thought I've had in my head and I wasn't crazy. Isn't the root of my fear the need for financial security? I can't tell you how many times I've mulled over this the last few days since. What I keep clinging to is that we ARE ok as we are as a one-income family currently. What I keep clinging to is that working full time in a job that kept me from my family and had work that could not be left AT work, was killing my spirit worse than it is now. Thinking about being away from my kids makes me want to vomit. But I think about that Master's Degree I have....and wonder....really - am I fooling myself?

If I had to, I would "put on my big girl pants" and get it done. I would go back to work full time. I hesitate because I just don't know if we are at a "have to" stage yet, and since the idea is so unappealing to me, I don't act on it further. In fact, today, we are fine. Now. Currently. Today. This moment.

But what about tomorrow? What about illness or an accident that keeps my husband from working before we have restocked the bank account enough?

How do we live moment by moment, just today, as God wants us....yet not think about the future, and planning for it? The simple, and only, answer is by giving God your future, and being a good steward of the life He has given you, and accepting that does take planning and prayer. Living in the moment doesn't mean putting my head in the sand. I just think I am better at giving it over to God than the planning part. I need balance.

Thankfully, another friend reminded me of my love of kids, and the idea of opening my home as a day care service for income when needed, teach music, work at a prek, etc. I was grateful for the reminder I have more options - more personal gifts and talents God has given me than just the one vocation that stressed me out to the point of burn out.

But in discoursing, and then sleeping on it all, it struck me - and BOY - was it Olympic sized! I was not craving a comfortable life, or the stability of a second job to give my heart peace in these stressful financial times. I am craving security...in trusting my husband with trusting his job. In trusting my husband to keep his job, in trusting my husband with a big move. In trusting my husband to make a big decision for our family. The comments made by this newcomer stripped me raw (or, I allowed them too) of the healing I've been feeling recently in my marriage. All of the sudden all the 'rosey' went gray - and I saw poverty and felt depression where they had been plenty and peace.

I've allowed myself to see the glass half empty instead of full, dark shadows instead of the sunrise, and am forgetting to lean on God. The same God who answered a mighty prayer recently and knew before I did someone would tell me rumors. The God who makes good out of bad situations. The God who gave me a wonderful husband and father. The God who delights in my marriage. The God who wants me to see this as a test of faith, and pick faith and be courageous in my depression to live joyfully. One doesn't need to be happy in order to be joyful. Happiness is an adjective. Joy is a verb. It is a choice, not a feeling one can't help. Joy and love are decisions. I have to make the decision to be joyful.

I feel like this blog chronicles my successes and failures of choosing joy. One post seems to show me on my way to walking on water, and then another shows me drowning. Why have I not figured out how to just "be" in my walk with God? I seem to talk the talk well, but walking it is nothing but stumbles.

One bad habit I have formed since losing the house and my life going upside down is not waiting on the  Lord as I should - but waiting for "all better" to get here to live joyfully. I have not been doing anything really faith centered with the kids than the basics. I don't feel as if God abandoned me. I know He is there, and has us, and I tell the children that daily. But, do I LIVE out that knowledge? I'm not so sure.  Suspended are the fun ways we live out our faith: reading the bible stories more, liturgical teas, the Holy Heroes activities (summer faith adventure - we did Lent and Advent, but I was barely into it), the feast day celebrations. The little things I used this blog to document have ceased. I feel so trapped by waiting to live when the good comes and feeling fearful, I've forgotten how to make life good while waiting on the Lord.

I've had to really struggle to refocus this week on joy, even with the threat of uncertainty coming our way. I didn't have words for the struggle until attending Mass and reading the Gospel for this Sunday. In the homily, the pastor discussed how we have to be courageous to live in our pain and struggle. It may hurt to breathe every second, but we are called to choose to still live despite it. I heard him loud and clear. I need to choose to be present and joyful with my kids, with my husband, and wait on the Lord prayerfully, joyfully, and trust in the wait. I can't suspend in animation until His Will is done. I can't waste the time on this earth I have been given. Waiting is an action too.

In reading John 6: 1-15 closely this past Sunday, a few things popped out at me. I bolded or italized them below.

5	Lifting up his eyes, then, and seeing that a multitude was coming to him, Jesus said to Philip, "How are we to buy bread, so that these people may eat?"
6	This he said to test him, for he himself knew what he would do.
7	Philip answered him, "Two hundred denarii would not buy enough bread for each of them to get a little."
8	One of his disciples, Andrew, Simon Peter's brother, said to him,
9	"There is a lad here who has five barley loaves and two fish; but what are they among so many?"
10	Jesus said, "Make the people sit down." Now there was much grass in the place; so the men sat down, in number about five thousand.
11	Jesus then took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated; so also the fish, as much as they wanted.
12	And when they had eaten their fill, he told his disciples, "Gather up the fragments left over, that nothing may be lost."

In reflecting in prayer, I felt some of what was happening to me this week (and this year) was being asked to me in this reading, and I was Philip. In verses 5 and 6, Jesus is asking me a pretty blunt question about the situation in my life, completely knowing what He will do about it. But, you know...to teach me and all...he asks me my opinion in the matter and my observations on the situation.

I answer much like Philip does in verse 7 - human 'logic', depressed, fatalistic.*

Then, blessedly, Jesus chooses to teach me still, and work in my life by the basket full! He takes what little is there in my heart versus an overwhelming horde of stress in versus 9 and 10, and in verse 11 takes the meager amount and gives thanks, and increases it, and it meets and exceeds what was needed to assist me in overcoming my problem.

Then, in verse 12, he instructs that all the leftovers be collected and not wasted, to further bless and sustain me.

What an incredible God I have, that we have, if I let Him "be". Sunday's Psalm 145 further spoke to me in versus 15-18:

15	The eyes of all look to you, and You give them their food in due season.
16	You open your hand, You satisfy the desire of every living thing.
17	The LORD is just in all his ways, and kind in all his doings.
18	The LORD is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth.

So, while I don't feel 100% peace yet in my Olympic sized feelings, I have been given my blueprint this week. I'm going to try to call upon the Lord in truth, know He is near, know He will satisfy me if I let him, and it will happen in DUE season - not now.

I'm also going to help Him gather the leftovers in my life, so they are not wasted.

Last week, at church with friends, we reflected on the story in 2 Kings 5:1-3, 8-15. In the story of the healing of Namaan, we reflected on how Namaan "thought" and "expected" how his healing would work out (verse 11). He stormed away when it didn't go his way. Thankfully, he had friends who challenged him to let God have His way. When he did let go and do it God's way, he was humbled to see how God worked and healed him despite himself. In essence, he learned obedience.

I need to stop expecting what I think. "I am in this situation for HIS timing to glorify."

We were asked to commit to act and to obey God and do __________. I think I know how to fill in the blank now.

I'd better go get working on that. I'm blessed to be able to see all the "fragments" in my life. Thank God for so many blessings that exceed what is needed to be on this earth!! I can't allow them to be lost.

Much love....blessings!! Thank you for your prayers!!

* You know..a basket case. Get it? HAHA!  I'll work really hard on not being a "basket case" anymore....hahahah... ;)