The Rediscovery of our Marriage

I am so sorry at the lack of updates here. Be glad in a way - it means your prayers for me, hubby, our family and most importantly our marriage are working!!

I've been too busy to write here because we are busy working on our daily dialoguing. Let me repost three emails we sent out to people for prayers that will help explain how this week we are rediscovering our marriage thanks to Retrouaille (the word 'Rediscovery' in French).

* EDITED to add -  I should have added that NO couple is turned away because of inability to pay. You can either pay/donate what you can - or the weekend and followups are their gift to you and your marriage. FREE! I will be honest and let you know we could NOT pay the entire fee, or most of it. We are now giving what we can each week. 

**Also, I don't understand why my letters below are not indented or spaced correctly. Sorry!
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Dearest Friend,

     I hope this email is finding you well before the weekend (TGIF!). As we head into the weekend, Hubby and I wanted to ask you for a prayer request.
 

     You know that life has been pretty “interesting” for Hubby and I (and the kids) since September. I won’t lie – we have lots of faith, but our energy has taken a hit in rebuilding and healing our marriage. This weekend Hubby and I will be attending a special marriage in depth workshop/retreat (called Retrouvaille) that lasts until 5pm Sunday. It is local, and we will be staying all weekend at the hotel it is held in. Gracious friends and family have offered to take our kids so we could make this happen. After this weekend, the next 6 Saturdays will be more in-depth workshops to help us rebuild on what is “planted” this weekend. We are also in marriage counseling. 

     We ask for prayers – prayers this weekend renews us, challenges us, rebuilds trust and motivation (motivation in all areas – I would like to not hide in my PJ’s so much), acceptance, forgiveness, and gives us peace and grace to be the spouses we pledged to be in June 2001, and the parents we have become; ready to meet our children’s boundless energy and needs. Family begins with Hubby and I - strong and together with God, and we need to nourish our marriage before anything else. I would love to leave this depressed state behind and feel some fresh air and hope (I am tired of being tired).

     We’re going to make it – but we owe it to ourselves to make “us” the best “we” can be, and our focus sharpened and our priorities in the correct order. God is totally with us, and is The Redeemer. We have never doubted Him being there for us, and getting us through this. We just need to meet Him (and each other) halfway. 

     Thank you for your incredible support. We appreciate you and thank you for the prayers. We will be praying for you this weekend too!

     Love and Peace.

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Later in the week...after our Retrouvaille weekend.

Happy Evening!

     I am behind on thanking you for the prayers this past weekend. I hope to write you personally of more details when I can – but it has been hard to even put this first weekend (we have 6 more Saturdays to attend) into words as we came back utterly wiped out. But in a good way. The BEST way. Your prayers helped birth a miracle.

     Hubby and I had incredible healing over the weekend. There is so much left to do and work on, but we can’t say enough about the Retrouvaille experience. It was a weekend on communication. It was a weekend on accepting feelings first, with discussion of the issues those feelings cause later. As they taught over the weekend, we don’t have control over our FEELINGS, so they are neither right nor wrong. It is what we do, as a result of how we feel, that is good OR bad because we have control over our ACTIONS.

     What was also beautiful was seeing the other 33 couples in attendance. While the couples never worked together or had time to interact much, one could plainly see so many were worse off than Hubby and I, with their own anonymous baggage, but evident in their body language. Some spouses were vocally ready to leave Friday, but somehow stayed. Couples that could barely look at each other Friday night were holding hands, or at least shoulder to shoulder on Sunday, each expressing some sort of healing, or understanding to keep dialoguing in the future sessions. Their faces were not taunt, and their shoulders more relaxed. It blew Hubby and I away to witness these things and helped us try even harder to be open to the private dialogue techniques they were teaching us.

     This weekend was not a cure-all – and it was STRESSED by our leading couples it was not a magic fix. We all still have a long way to go to grow. But it was a weekend of healing and a reuniting. We left with PLENTY of homework to do too. 

     Keep praying for us, and thank you for loving us. I feel joy again in what 2012 can bring us if we remain open to all the amazing potential the year holds and work our tails off. 

     Thank you!!! Bless you!

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More reflection to a friend (I shortened it in parts).

     Hubby and I found ourselves finally understanding when people say “I love my spouse more today than our wedding day!” We get it now! :) 

     Hubby and I – well...mostly me – really could only ever say I was deeper in love with him than our wedding day up to year 5. After year 5, I just didn’t feel the same feelings, though I was grateful for him, loved him (this weekend helped me figure out my feelings and timing). It was around the time he lost his job for those months and we were really affected by that. Then with 2 kids so close together, we had some natural coolness and tiredness. And I think falling for him deeper and deeper [in love] stalled. 

     Then I doubted everything with the surprise foreclosure. 

     But, this weekend led to REAL understanding and communication and acceptance. When we can accept the feelings that caused these things to happen, forgiveness can bloom. True love also blooms – and I was hit by backlogged years of stunted love. I mean that - Each dialogue process made me fall deeper in love with Hubby  – the way he opened up to me finally. He was making up for all those years he was pulling back. It was really unbelievable. 

     The dialogue process involves many things. One of my favorites was a letter. You write a letter – written with a certain formula to truly capture your feelings, not judgments or thoughts. It is not long [YAY] Then you swap the letter, read it twice (once for the head, once for the heart) and dialogue equal time...until you both can agree you both understand the feelings each wrote the letter...Sunday we did a special letter. This letter could be about feelings and the opening of all dams – to let it all out. We then read and discussed our letters. We were given a lot of time for this therapeutic conversation. 

     That was heavy. That was beautiful. It was passionately honest and free, and we shared our weaknesses without fear. We fell back in love there. We’ll have to work to stay there, and fall even deeper in love that is peacefully communicated and protected. [ I can't write this without crying].

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We have a LOT of work to do in the next 6 sessions and beyond. But we have a start, and we have hope. We start our 1st and 2nd post session(s) tomorrow morning. God is GOOD!

Thank you for your prayers! They worked. Keep them going! 

Much gratitude....

****EDITED TO ADD!*** I should have added that NO couple is turned away because of inability to pay. You can either pay/donate what you can - or the weekend and followups are their gift to your marriage. I will be honest and let you know we could NOT pay the entire fee, or most of it. We are now giving what we can each week.  I just wanted to add that in case anyone reading this post needed this program!