Monday, February 20, 2012

Lessons on Forgiveness "Myths"

Thank GOD for Retrouvaille! I got these great insights this past Saturday session on forgiveness:

Myth #1 of Forgiveness - "I forgive, I also have to forget." We actually need to forgive precisely because we have NOT forgotten what someone did; our memory keeps the pain alive long after the actual hurt has stopped.

Myth #2 - "I just don't 'feel like' forgiving." - If I wait until I 'feel like' forgiving, I'm actually choosing to feed resentment and bitterness. Forgiveness isn't really about feelings. It's a DECISION, and act of the will. The choice to forgive does not deny our feelings, but allows us to express them so that forgiveness comes from a healed heart.

Myth #3 - "Forgiveness means acting if nothing has happened." To forgive does not mean that we enter into a sense of denial about what happened or its impact on us. We need to confront the issue, deal with our emotions, communicate effectively, and seek and grant forgiveness.

Myth #4 - "I have to forgive immediately." Forgiveness may be a long process. The error we make is refusing to enter the process.
Wow. 
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5 comments:

  1. KatherineFebruary 21, 2012 at 4:37 PM

    Wonderful insights. But it leaves me wondering, if it doesn't include feelings, forgetting or acting as though nothing happened, just how would you define forgiveness or know you have done it?

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  2. ViolinMamaFebruary 21, 2012 at 4:54 PM

    Hey Katherine!

    Let me know if you read this - but you asked the same question I thought of - but their explanation worked so well, I forgot to add it.

    Forgiveness is a decision. It is outside of feeling/forgetting/etc. Feelings may follow, but loving someone and forgiving someone goes beyond feelings. If we only love or forgive someone because we feel like it, or feel peace, etc - then we won't always do what God calls us to do. Feelings fade away, so deciding to forgive is the first step. Deciding to love is the first step. Healing will follow in the process of forgiveness.

    The goal is, in time...we will FEEL that forgiveness and peace, or love. It's like going to church when you don't want to - deciding to go gets you there. Over time, God willing, you will feel the love and energy in your soul from worshiping God. It is like forcing yourself to work on a day you want to stay home, or do something you doing want to do. You decide to go, and the decision is enough. You'll think about it, process it, and hopefully gain healing.

    Forgiveness is the start of a process, not the end all, be all. Sometimes we can forgive without it being hard, or being a process. But other times, the decision to forgive is the FIRST step, and the decision is enough. God absolves us from our sins....we just forgive and start the process of healing ourselves from another's wrongs. Absolution will come from God for them if they seek it. We're just called to forgive.

    I hope that helps? It makes for a good discussion!

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  3. KatherineFebruary 24, 2012 at 5:59 AM

    Sorry it has taken me a while to respond. I think I have another cold.
    I understand and appreciate the explanation that it is an act of the will and hence feelings are, in a sense, irrelevant. But, I guess my follow-up question is, if forgiveness is not a physical act, like working or going to Church, how do you know if you've done it? I mean, you can say it, but that isn't the same as doing it either. How do you know you've made an act of the will to forgive someone if you don't feel it and there is nothing you can *do* with regards to it?

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  4. ViolinMamaFebruary 29, 2012 at 10:20 PM

    Hey Katherine!

    I'm sorry I'm late responding to this.

    I guess to answer your question - from what I feel I understand - forgiveness may not be a one time thing. Meaning - because it may not be an easy decision or feeling - you may have to make the decision daily, perhaps hourly. When it comes into your head...you make that decision to forgive. And yes - making the decision is ENOUGH. Even if you don't feel it, or are sure you have done it. God knows you made the decision. If you continue to struggle with it, a spiritual director could be of great help.

    I equated it with how I sometimes struggle to feel forgiven/absolved after confession. Sometimes I feel so elated. Other times, just relieved, and sometimes I come out really wondering if I really was forgiven because I don't feel healed. Seeing forgiveness from the flip side made me relate to this "problem." I will need to work on deciding 'I am worthy.' And to embrace that yes, I am forgiven.

    The same comes with choosing to forgive. It is never going to be easy, and it won't always feel good. But the decision is really enough. The choice to TRY is enough. To answer your last sentence - if you daily DECIDE to forgive, than in that moment - until the next time you make the decision again - you have forgiven. Saying it isn't enough...but making a DECISION is an act of the will. You just have to decide to trust yourself. Doing nothing and being stuck in anger or regret is worse than not trying at all.

    Again - it was easier for me to be at these talks and hear what they had to say. You may want to ask your priest or advisor if you have one. And, keep asking me questions - maybe we can find the right way to describe it for you?

    Appreciatively and Blessings,
    VM

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  5. KatherineMarch 6, 2012 at 4:23 PM

    Sorry it took me a week to read this. Everything seems to take me longer lately.

    Actually, your description makes a lot of sense. Thank you very much!

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Thanks for stopping by and leaving me a message. I hope to get better about commenting back directly (I get so busy with the kids!) but I appreciate you very much!! I wish you a GREAT day!

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