So. Tired.

I haven't REALLY blogged/journaled in a few weeks. I'm relatively ok with it as I am a mom to three now, with one being an almost 2 month old, and another being 2, along with the 6 1/2 year old I feel very compelled to be fully present for. It is very tiring at this point. I'm super happy, feeling relaxed about it, and blessed, but underneath it all, I'm tired. It pops up in funny ways.

My mother also had her first (of two) knee replacement surgery this past week. So, my sister and I have traded nights with her at the hospital and then at home. When I stayed in the hospital I pumped and left Gift and the girls with Hubby, and returned home to him by 6am so he could go to work. I feel for my mother, because if I barely slept because of the constant care they came into her room with, then the poor woman in pain certainly didn't sleep. At her house on my night to sleep over it was a bit comical - she and Gift (I could bring him this time) slept better than I did. She SNORED and I watched the hours tick by - then would feed Gift, put him back in his bed, then mom would wake for the bathroom....it was so funny! I came home and crashed. So. Tired (but again, think of my mother - but she's doing so well - walking with a walker, doing her rehab like a champ...she's awesome!).

Saturday also found Hubby and I back in the "gig" circuit since Gift was born. We played background music at a swanky party. I barely fit into my dress (I'm trying to embrace my post baby curves), and I forgot what it was like to pump or nurse around an event like this lol. Lovely's Godparents babysat for us at their house, and it went well for them - ASIDE from the fact that in my sleepy, tired state I packed needed items AND dinner for the girls and FORGOT breastmilk/bottles for Gift. How can I forget the one child who is entirely dependent on me for nourishment? LOL. They saved the day though - they told us to go on and make our gig, and one of them went back to our house with our keys to retrieve a bottle and pumped milk. How awesome is that? Gift was JUST FINE in the meantime. The girls had a blast playing with their godsister and Grammy (the mother of Lovely's Godmother J) and Grammy and J had a blast cuddling with Gift. We got home to our house by 8pm with our kids and I was SO. tired. I pumped another bottle for Hubby, told him he was in charge of all 3 kids, and went to bed. I vaguely remembering hearing bedtimes for the girls, and Hubby giving me Gift for a post consumed bottle feeding a few hours later and then the on and off nursing all night with the co-sleeper. Today came, and found us at my parents again helping out and visiting.

I'm about to head to bed. I'm typing this while pumping again (Hubby does an evening bottle for me, and I feel cleansed for the long night - I'm always worried about mastitis, so I like making sure I'm tapped out before the long night and feedings I refill for), but I feel like I haven't captured life here in a while. I'm doing really well, so happy (even my mom said today - and it was a compliment from her wonderfully - that I seemed really happy as a mom of three, and so relaxed). I was yawning as she said it - ha! But, she's right. I am happy, and I love my brood of 3 kids. I try to stay upbeat, even when stressed (like forgetting milk for Gift last night, or dealing with a 2 year old tantrum while my 6 1/2 year old glares at me for saying no to the TV, and the baby is crying which triggers let down and a stained shirt as I head out the door to mom's all at the same time) and most of the time, I forget I'm tired. I hide it well because I am so proud and happy. It doesn't always bring me down - but this week, with the surgery, I have been more over-tired, and I break down into toddler moments much like my 2 year old. I save it for my husband though.

So..... I'm aiming to go to bed after pumping and getting some extra rest (the baby and I tend to go to bed at midnight or later). My over tiredness has shown it's head to me privately, and anyone who knows me in real life can probably tell in other ways - I'm insecure again, overly talkative about my worries or family issues, apologizing to friends, etc. and I'm famously over thinking again. I have some good posts in my head about my thoughts - but who knows if I'll find the time to write them down. My time is spent napping, or surviving waking up to lunch time, to nap time, to when Hubby gets home from work. Blocks of time. I'm living my life on "block scheduling" (the former teacher in me). If we're out (which is when I feel my best, because we're OUT and off our butts away from TV or movies, or the Wii on while I doze off. I'm not anti TV, but with it being so hot, I can't send my girls outside as much as I'd like to off set it) I'm happiest. But, getting out makes me tired later as a price, and I get more emotional and tired. It's a hard pattern! I'm like a computer that never gets turned off - always on, always ready - processing, searching, repeating. I need to REBOOT (don't thank me for this comparison, I stole it from Rachel B's blog lol!! See link below).

I will say when I got on to pump and read up on blogs this evening (I have not been on Google Reader lately...I've either been napping, doing stuff in the house or with the kids, or GASP! Reading BOOKS again....wow!) I saw another mom with a newborn and 2 year old (Rachel B.) wrote something that worded my feelings correctly...I DO need routine again, I do need to try to refocus, etc because I am getting down about the free schedule of summer, or sleeping, or too much TV or Wii to pass the time as I recover from nursing and sleep deprivation. Yes, I deserve to slow down and do what it takes to survive, but I'm totally getting over this feeling of "getting by". I wonder if I can do that this week some - "rebooting" myself. I know we'll be doing some home summer camp (Summer Adventures) and lots of library time this week, as well as I'm trying to lesson plan and order books for Lovely's homeschooling (which is currently a huge headache for me) and doing some math placement activities with Lovely to see if she is a year ahead in math like I suspect she is so I know what math level to order. I love the planning part, but not the ordering and book finding part. YUCK (Kris...can I pay you to do this for me? HA!). But...it is a change from "getting by". Let's just see if I can balance rest with a little more action, shall we?

I bet adding more meditation time, or quiet time, or praying time would help too, right? I'm sure!! That would help me down to my foundation and make the rest better, no?

Ok - so I have NO idea where this post went to, or if it was clear and made sense. I started with a theme - So. tired. I guess that is pretty clear under all that verbage, isn't it? I'd better wrap this AND pumping up, and go to bed an hour earlier than usual...SCORE.

Much love! You are NOT alone in your trench. I'm here too!